[mom2justynsarah]

I have sort of heard this "rumor" through a fairly reliable source. However, I haven't heard it from the horses mouth (so to speak). In fact, Dee hasn't called me in a few months. Now I think I know why.

Although I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to adopt again (especially a birth sibling) we are not finanially or emotionally ready for a third. I think my husband would die right there on the spot.

If Dee IS pregnant, I don't know if she will want to keep the baby or place again. Even though she is currrently not homeless, she is still having the same issues she had before.

I don't think I am going to say anything to her. If anything, I will wait for her to tell me. After all, she could potentially NOT be pregnant.

I am just a bit annoyed at her. She was supposed to have her tubes tied after she gave birth to Sarah. But she didn't. Let's pray that whatever decision she makes will be the right one.

Thanks,
Julie

[HappyTwinsMom]

It's so hard when our children's birthmoms continue to make unhealthy choices for their lives. Our girls' birthmom went on to have two more children after placing them. She did call each time she got pregnant to let us know she was expecting. We never anticipated that she would place again - and she seemed happy each time. But her life is still really chaotic and I often find myself wishing I could help her "get it together."

I try to just pray for her and the kiddos - and hope for the best!

[loveajax]

Julie, it's very emotional, isn't it?

We have a pretty open relationship with DD's birth family. DD's birth mom sort of "dropped of the face of the earth" for a while...I thought it was because she may need some space. Well, I found out she was pg when she was 6 mos along....

It hit me like a ton of bricks (she never "insinuated" she planned on placing, but she hadn't told her family -- something she did when she was pg with DD).

I was kind of angry about it (it was irrational, I guess). Not because she shouldn't have and parent another child (DD has an older sib). I think it was just that I felt that she got pg so quickly after DD was born and now DD is a placed "middle child" and I worry that that is going to hurt her some day. (There were circumstances that led DD's birth mom to want her to place DD). I guess also I had a "niggle" of hope that perhaps we could adopt this sib. Maybe it was also tough for me because of my history with IF, I dunno.

In any event, for some reason the "separated siblings" thing really breaks my heart. DD's birth mom and her sisters are doing great now. And once I met the baby, my heart melted. But it's tough, I know (if it is, in fact, true). I hope everything turns out OK for everyone...

[joelynn]

I take it she's had multiple pregnancies? I'm sure all will work out for the best for all of you.

[Emberbit]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

She was supposed to have her tubes tied after she gave birth to Sarah. But she didn't. Let's pray that whatever decision she makes will be the right one.

Did she not want her tubes tied or did her OB refuse? It is all too common to have an OB say no because you're too young or don't have enough kids. I know one woman who has had 4 pregnancies, 2 kids of her own and 3 more kids in 2 pregnancies as a gestational surrogate. Her OB wouldn't do the tubal when he delivered the twins because "you're only raising 2 kids and you're only 25...surely you'll want a few more...

I guess just a little perspective...

I hope everything works out...

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

Did she not want her tubes tied or did her OB refuse? It is all too common to have an OB say no because you're too young or don't have enough kids. I know one woman who has had 4 pregnancies, 2 kids of her own and 3 more kids in 2 pregnancies as a gestational surrogate. Her OB wouldn't do the tubal when he delivered the twins because "you're only raising 2 kids and you're only 25...surely you'll want a few more...

I guess just a little perspective...

I hope everything works out...

Thank you. No, she lied to me. She told me that she had a scheduled appt with the ob/gyn shortly after giving birth to Sarah. But then admitted she never did. She kept telling me that she was going to do it. But alas, it was never followed through.

It's not really "my" business what Dee does with her own body, her life, etc. But if she truely is pregnant, all I can say is how disappointed I am in her. This would be her fifth baby (8th or 9th pregnancy).

[kakuehl]

I read posts like this and I have really mixed emotions! Sometimes it feels to me like adoptive moms want the birth mom of their child to live in ways that are best for their child, regardless of what the birth mom wants to do or believes is best for her situation. I firmly believe that a child needs/deserves to be part of a family that is prepared to parent him/her (well); that's why I placed D for adoption. I still believe that I made the right choice. That did not keep me from grieving the loss of D or wanting more children. At the same time, I made as certain as I could that each of my other children were planned (although I have to admit I spend the first couple years of marriage trying to convince my DH that it was time!). I would definitely have been unhappy if D's amom were second guessing my choices. (I already had a mother... I didn't need a second one!)

At the same time I recognize that often it seems that bmoms don't seem to turn their lives around and continue to make poor choices. I recognize that you do care about her and the choices she makes. (I told you I had mixed emotions!) I hurt for them and I've never met them.

I also recognize that regardless of how many other children D's adad and I would have had, D remains the oldest (although his adad did acquire several older stepchildren when he married for the second time.)

BTW, as one who had her tubes tied, tubals aren't necessary a simple fix either.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'd like to point out that James L Gritter states in chapter eight of his book Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption that if regret is not properly acknowledged and dealt with, it can turn to a "special" form of repudiating regret which manifests itself in a desire to continue to add children to the immediate family even if the situation has not improved.

Originally Posted by Chapter Eight of Lifegivers

Repudiating regret sometimes seeks to undo the loss of a child by generating another baby. A replacement pregnancy does not threaten adoptive parents, but it is of great concern to other observers. Obviously, the effort to replace a child, whether undertaken consciously or unconsciously, is a false form of undoing. It does not bring the lost child back into her custody, but, for some birth parents, it seems like the next best thing because another child can fill at least some of the persistent emptiness.

From the ways that you've spoken about your deteriorating relationship in the past, it does sound like you daughter's birth mother is dealing with some serious forms of regret (or, I should probably say, NOT dealing). Instead of the wistful variety, which the majority of birth parents deal with at one time or another, she has skipped over to the unpredictable repudiating form. Until she acknowledges the grief and loss in her life and begins to move forward, decisions like these will continue to be made.

Originally Posted by kakuehl

I would definitely have been unhappy if D's amom were second guessing my choices. (I already had a mother... I didn't need a second one!)

Thanks for putting your finger on the pulse of why this post was leaving me with this awful feeling in my gut. Not anger. Just an awful feeling!

Originally Posted by kakuehl

BTW, as one who had her tubes tied, tubals aren't necessary a simple fix either.

Gosh, my Mom has had a hellacious time with her tubal. She has advised me never to get one, for any reason, because of the problems she has had since hers (1989, after the birth of my brother).

[thanksgivingmom]

Julie, I completely understand that you want what's best for your child and that a part of that is manifested in her bmother.

Having said that, AS a birthmother, it can be hard enough to answer to yourself sometimes (trust me!) without worrying about how your childs aparent will react...

[browneyes0707]

I do know a girl I worked with who had 5 children at 25. She said she asked her gyno for a tubal, and he said no because of her age. Shortly after she left my job, she was pregnant with #6.

Just to share my story, I found myself pregnant with a full bio sibling less than two years after I placed DD. I beat myself up over that but good. It did distance me from DD's a mom, because I was so scared to tell her, and I think the one time I did talk to her, the guilt was tremendous. She always wanted to adopt again, she even used to tell me that if I knew of anyone who was looking to place to think of her. I was so afraid that a) she would pressure me into placing the child with her, she didn't even HAVE to say it, I knew she would jump at the chance to adopt a bio sibling and b) I did not want her judging me for being pregnant more than once under the age of 21 with the same boy nonetheless. I was having enough issues judging myself as it was, and forget about b-dad, the two of us were so hard on ourselves.

It took me a little over a year to be able to talk to a mom again. By then the distance between us had grown enough that that was the last time I spoke to her in 12 years. It's still hard for me to talk about it.

[mom2justynsarah]

Thanks for putting your finger on the pulse of why this post was leaving me with this awful feeling in my gut. Not anger. Just an awful feeling!


Jenna- Am I missing something here? I am confused by the awful feeling in your gut..I am not sure what that's about. Thanks

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Julie, I completely understand that you want what's best for your child and that a part of that is manifested in her bmother.

Having said that, AS a birthmother, it can be hard enough to answer to yourself sometimes (trust me!) without worrying about how your childs aparent will react...

I can understand that. But if she really is pregnant, (again, she may not be) I would just be so disappointed in her. It hurts my heart to know that abortion is definetly a strong option. I know that she had thought about that while pregnant with Sarah. But THANK THE LORD ABOVE she had a change of heart. But regardless, I am not going to be critical, judgemental or make her feel bad about whatever she chooses to do. KWIM?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by mom2justynsarah

Jenna- Am I missing something here? I am confused by the awful feeling in your gut..I am not sure what that's about. Thanks

I said what I meant. The post gives me an awful feeling in my gut in general and Kathy's post helped me understand why! Not an angry one. Just one of sadness.

[thanksgivingmom]

I understand and do think that you're coming from a good-hearted place about this. Your intention doesn't necessarily change the feelings that bmothers may have about aparents being disappointed in us and our actions.

I'll one up Brown and admit that I had a serious pregnancy scare (too scared to take the test but was VERY late) only seven months after DD was born and NOT with bdad. (Too be honest I had been too scared to even bring it up on here for fear of judgement until now! Thanks for getting me to say it Brown) I was safe (multiple ways!) and was doing everything I could to not repeat the past...well, not quite everything I guess.

I was so worried about how I would react, how everyone would react (I couldn't keep this a secret again) and especially how DDs aMom would react...honestly, it's a lot of added pressure.

[MamaS]

Okay, I will be honest here. When I hear/read about mothers who continue to have baby after baby and place them, I get angry and exasperated. Having an unplanned baby and placing that baby, i can respect. Placing a baby and being in a position to keep and parent subsequent children, I can respect. Having too many children or a change in family circumstances that requires placing an unexpected child, I can respect. I can even respect surrogate mothers who plan a placement and sign contracts.
BUT, when women have child after child that they cannot care for and the children end up taken by DCS one after the other, to experience neglect, loss, foster homes, and maybe -- if they are lucky -- placement in a forever home before they are too emotionally damaged. THEN I just want to shake the birth mothers and say " this is not a third world country. Birth control is free! Use it until you are in a position to BE a mother. And if you don't want the job, stop producing babies!"