[luvmylittlegirls]

Yesterday my 4 yo DD and I were talking about babies and how every baby grows in a lady's belly until it's ready to be born and then you go to the hospital and a doctor helps take the baby out.

I told her that she didn't grow in my belly but another lady's belly. I told her how her bmom took good care of her while DD was growing in her belly and after she was born she lived with bmom for a little while. Then mommy and daddy went to pick her up and we all flew on an airplane to come home together.

This was the first time I've really gone into any detail about her bmom and DD growing in her belly... and I wasn't prepared for DD's response. She got a big smile on her face and said, "Can we visit her?"

Um.... NO. (I told DD her bmom lives very far away and we can't visit her right now.)

Right now our adoption is semi-closed. We each have full identifying information on each other and we occasionally send pictures to bmom, but there's very little contact overall.

DD's bmom is a chronic drug addict (not sure if she's using or not right now or not - she cycles) who neglected DD prior to relinquishing. I still feel physically ill when I think of what DD went through. So, I'm sure my anger about the past colors my decision to not allow visits NOW.

DH is 110% opposed to DD and bmom visiting. He's terrified that she will say or do something to hurt or confuse DD or undermine our role as her parents.

So... all that to say, I feel GUILTY for not allowing DD to visit her bmom (or vice versa). But I *know* DD and she adores people and opens up her heart to them so easily, which makes her really vulnerable to being hurt. I don't know for sure that her bmom would say or do anything hurtful, but, then again, I don't know that she *wouldn't.*

And, maybe I'm just projecting my own stuff a little. Because what I fear happening to DD happened in my relationship with her bmom. I trusted her and it came back to bite me big time.

BUT... people can change. So, am I being unfair holding the past against DD's bmom? Shouldn't DH and I at least *try* to give her the benefit of the doubt?

But what if, as has happened before, the positive changes (if any) are only temporary? What will that do to DD to have her bmom bouncing in and out of her life with all the drama and craziness that drug addiction brings?

And maybe all this is pointless because DH is absolutely opposed to any direct contact between them right now.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I'm just scared. I don't want to make a mistake that will hurt DD - either by allowing or not allowing visits. Do the risks outweigh the benefits? I just don't know.

Help.

ETA: It's just hard telling DD no when I'm not sure "no" is the absolute right answer for such an important request.

[Leigh131313]

I think a no - at least for now - sounds like the apropriate answer. We do have to say no to our children, it's hard but we as parents need to make the right decisions for our children.

If your child asks why - you can tell her age apropriately. No, we can't visit XX because she lives very far away.

You can always let your daughter write a letter to her and send it with the next update you give.

If you decide that you may want to entertain the idea of a visit, i would strongly suggest you meet with the birthmom without your DD first.

The bottom line is, not every adoption should be fully open. Do not feel guilty about protecting your daughter.

[loveajax]

I think Leigh has nailed it on the head.

To tell you the truth (and my DD is younger than yours), I don't think asking to meet her is unexpected....I don't think that request should really factor in to your decisionmaking (even though I'm sure it's quite emotional). On the other hand, if it has prompted you to rethink whether opening up the adoption makes sense, then that's OK too. Maybe you could "feel out" how DD's birth mom is doing, etc.

It sounds like you handled it appropriately. I know this is tough....Good luck.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I, too, think you handled it just right. Explaining to your daughter that visiting isn't possible "right now" isn't the same as an outright "no." Over time, things might change to the point where you would feel comfortable in having more openness.

Good luck to you!

[luvmylittlegirls]

Thanks everyone. The question I'm really puzzling over at the moment is, how do I know when a direct relationship with her bmom would be a safe, healthy, positive thing for DD? What are the signs?

[crick]

Originally Posted by luvmylittlegirls

Thanks everyone. The question I'm really puzzling over at the moment is, how do I know when a direct relationship with her bmom would be a safe, healthy, positive thing for DD? What are the signs?

Maybe you should take a couple of steps back first and just open up letter contact, a phone call here and there to establish a relationship between YOU and her first. See how that goes and then as you both adjust and are feeling comfortable, things are positive etc, having contact with dd and her would be the next step. Maybe start with letters/emails and progress from there.

You'll know the signs after you do the beginnings first I would think.; seeing how bmom is, how dd responds etc.

[ddhuab]

I think you are getting good advice. I did want to mention though, with possibly opening contact up slightly, perhaps you might be able to start showing pictures of her birthmom (or ask bmom to send a pic) and maybe a description of what kind of job she has, etc., so your dd can fill in the blanks a bit (and perhaps have niether anxiety worrying about birthmom nor blown up fantasies about birthmom).

D.

[TexasPuppy]

I am a bmom from the closed era. I believe you were given this child to love and protect while raising her to be a healthy happy person. I do not believe your child is ready to make these kind of choices on her own. There is a reason that agencies (and laws) do not allow or recommend that adoptees or their families access to identifying information until the child involved turns 18 or in some cases 21. Children need a stable environment to grow and with all they have to go through just to make it through puberty, throwing any extra parents that are unstable into the mix is just asking for trouble.

I am not saying that open adoptions are wrong. But from what I have read, and from those that are involved in open adoptions that I have talked with, relinquishment was voluntary and drugs and alcohol were not involved. The openness was discussed in advance and boundaries were set. Still, the parents have the ultimate call. Child safety is the issue. Physical as well as mental.

I am just reuniting with my child and we have been lucky. She tells me she was raised by a good family and is not resentful that I relinquished her. She seems to understand that is was a decision that was best for her and for me. I gave my child as a gift, to be loved and cared for by her parents and family. I wanted them to protect her, care for her, and do what they thought best for her.

Understand that I believe that adoption should be talked about and not hidden from the children involved. But as their parents you need to make the decisions that will be best for them and for you. Just because you don't want her to have contact now, doesn't mean that you won't let it happen in the future. You need to make contact first though. You need to know that when and if they meet (before she turns 18 and you have no control over it) it will be beneficial for all involved. You are not wrong for wanting to protect your child. You are being the parent you agreed to be when you signed those papers.

I agree with the other posters here that you will know when the time is right. And to get to that point you could gather information (pictures, letters from bmom) to help prepare your child for a "meeting/reunion". You are Mom and you will know what is right for your child. Have faith in yourself and your decision making.

[akcskye]

I also support what the other posters are giving you in the way of advice.

And, no, don't feel guilty over your birth mom's past choices being a factor on your current decision.

Myself, if my kids ever want to RU with their birth mother...I swear, on the first visit, I will go with them...for support, for mediation, and just to make sure they're not walking into a "land mine"...per se.

My kids are 10 and 11 now, but their mom was in a pretty bad state when they seperated, and not doing much better now.

So, that would mean allowing my children (at 18 or older) to see a registered sex offender with a history of perpetration on minors? I think not...not by themselves...at least not until I saw her and got a "vibe"...

So, chin up, you're doing good, moma.

[tobeafamily]

Just adding - I do think you have to work through your own anger and hurt about your relationship with her bmom, because you're smart to see it is coloring your world and affecting you negatively.

It's OK to be hurt when you've been betrayed.

It's OK to be angry when you've been failed.

It's almost spooky though how your child picks up on the most buried of emotions - I swear their minds and senses are wired differently in this capacity. And in a 4 year old's world, it's all about them, so they attribute everything they sense to themselves - Mommy gets tense and upset when I ask about Bmom, I must have done something wrong or said something wrong. Daddy makes that face when I said Bmom must be a princess, uh oh I'm bad for saying this.

The tough part of adoption is that like it or not, she is a part of your daughter. Because of that, you've got to teach her both in words and actions how to handle and negotiate bmom (and those with similar traits).

Some day bmom may show up on her adult doorstep and say "I'm your mom, you have to take care of me and do what I say" and your daughter will need skills to negotiate having her in her life and on what terms.

So yeah, a 4 year old isn't going to get the manipulation or other behaviors that caused a rift here or the use of drugs that play a role as well. Introduce though the concept of managing loving relationships with firm boundaries - doing X is not acceptable, you can't be in my life if you're behaving this way - so she has the skills as an adult to cope with whatever comes her way.

Make sense?

JMHO

Regina