[PWRWAGN]

Looking for some input on a few things

Our baby Sadie is almost 10 months now and things could not be better! I love having a daughter and am so wrapped around her finger - My wife says I was never this way with our boys and thinks its funny. Our adoption went very smoothly without problem. Our Birth Mother was (is) great and has always been very considerate of us. At first my wife and I were a little nervous about an option adoption but have found it to be great and a little interesting as well... We talk with Birth Mom via email and phone a couple times a week - I get myspace messages from her all the time! We have met with her about once or twice a month since Sadie was born and recently even spent a day at the beach with her. We really like her as a person and are so thankful that she chose us as the adoptive parents for Sadie.

Now to my questions....

*This relationship with Birth Mother is not what we expected at all. I did not anticipate this much contact and wonder if over time we should try to reduce the amount of contact we have. Right now it is comfortable but what about when Sadie is 2, 4, 6 etc.... I guess these things just work themselves out over time? The interesting thing is that when we get together our Birth Mother won't hold Sadie much. It almost seems as though she just wants to hang out with us. She often wants to pal around with my wife and do things that friends would do together. Has anyone else had this kind of relationship with their Birth Mom? How did the relationship evolve? What did your child think of it?

*Since we have adopted, we have had people tell us how great we were for "doing this" and how brave we were - bla bla bla... We just wanted a daughter, plain and simple. Some people have a hard time understanding that I guess. Right after we adopted, my wife's brother and his wife asked us to be God parents which we expected since they were God parents to our kids. What we did not expect is for other couples to ask us to be God parents to their kids! Have any of you had this happen to you? I am wondering if it has something to do with our adopting. Obviously it is a huge honor but could also be a HUGE responsibility should something ever happen. We were asked again last night by some friends who are both back country pilots and are trying to decide what to do. Saying "no" will be really hard. Anyone have experience with this?

*Once in a while a friend or family member will ask us questions like "how is Sadie's mom is doing", or "what color of hair does Sadie's father have" (referring to our Birth parents). Do questions like this bother anyone else or just us? I usually try to correct them and say "birth Mom or Dad" even though I know what they mean. Maybe we are just being to sensitive - but we think of ourselves as Mom and Dad so it always sounds strange to me when someone asks questions like that.

Sorry for the long post - but I would really appreciate any thoughts on these. Thanks.

[Leigh131313]

To your first question - regarding ongoing open contact with visits - We also have this - and everyone enjoys themselves!! M is 3 1/2 and when his birthmom is here, she's just another adult visiting me. Sure, she pays attention to him and tickles him and stuff - but in M's world, she's just another friend. I do explain to him that he was in her belly and that she chose us to be his parents...but that stuff doesn't seem to interest him too much yet.

My thoughts are - as long as this works, we will continue. I don't anticipate things getting difficult for M, his birthfamily is very kind and very respectful and don't make him feel like they expect anything from him. I also know that if we have other children, they will be just as kind and involved with them as they are with him.



Godparents - yup! We have a few godchildren. Most of them were during the time we were waiting to adopt. Not sure if our adopting had anything to do with it or not. What I did find more than the god parent thing was the babysitting thing. I think people thought because we wanted kids, we'd want THEIR kids...lol



I ALWAYS correct people when they say things like How's his mom, or What does his mom look like. I say " I have red hair, but if you are asking about his birthmom she has xxx" I was once asked if we knew his parents...(by someone who adopted btw) and I said, well, I'm his mom and my dh is his dad - so yeah. But if you are referring to his birthparents, we do have contact with them.

I think this is important - especially in M's presence. I don't want people saying things like that around him.

[StacyKelly2]

We have an adopted beautiful little 2 year old boy, who we have had since birth- He is just our little miracle and blessing!! We still communicate with our son's birth mom, and she is wonderful- We send pictures and updates through the email. It is scary however, the thought of visits. At first we decided together no visits..The birth mom thought this was way too confusing for a child which I do agree, depending on the age. After the delivery however, I told the birth mom if ever she wanted to see him she could. Witnessing all she went through that delivery day and the sheer love and courage we saw that day..completely changed my mind. I could never think of telling her she could never see him...Soon we are having a party for his final adoption and baptism..We invited his birth mom- I asked her how she would feel and she is more then welcome to come, so she is coming to the party. We are so excited. Our son will grow up knowing of adoption and the love and courage it took from his birth mom we will be more then proud to tell him of his wonderful birth mom!!! We are just taking this one step at a time. Our son's birth mom is just thankful that we still keep our promises of pictures and updates, but honestly we want to do that. If anything just be honest and truthful...work together- always tell your feelings..that is what we did - and so far things are going fine. We respect the birth mom always have, and always will...We are just so thankful that we have our angel and know if not for his birth mom this could not have happened for us. We have always respected each other and have just been honest on everything. Every adoption situation is different, we found working together and respecting one another's feelings is what makes this all come together and work.

[nikkianni]

Contact: We only have contact with Eve's bparents through letters and pictures, so I'm not sure on that one. I would think that whatever level of contact feels comfortable for everyone is the "right" level.

Godparents: We were asked while we werer waiting and are godparents to my two young cousins (sisters), but that's it. I think you should definitely take it as a compliment. And if you feel that you're at your max. capacity, you can always just say something like, "Wow! We'd have to buy another house and hire three nannies if we agreed to one more godchild!"

The Mom and Dad issue: I find my reaction to those questions depends on who's asking. No one in my family or DH's has EVER adopted before. Eve is a first in many ways. So when they ask if we know her mom and dad, I usually say, "you mean her birthparents?" They've all been pretty quick to pick up the lingo.
When your average rude stranger asks, I respond in a little less friendly way. But I always correct the questioner.

BTW, I can't believe Sadie is 10 months old!!

[crystalp]

Those are some really good ideas on how to respond to the "mom and dad" questions. I'll have to remember those. We are expecting to get an AA baby, so we will have to come up with some things to say to people who make comments about us being caucasian and our new baby being AA. Any ideas?

[gigigeorge]

We have a similar relationship with our oldest sons birthmom, we call, email and visit but she rarely will interact with him or even ask about him. Mostly she just *i think* wants someone to talk to who won't judge her. I told her in the beginning that I don't care what she does in her life because she is an adult, I want her to be safe and be smart in her decisions but they are hers to make BUT if her actions or decisions ever put our son in harms way that would be a whole other story - which she completely agrees ! plus she never would. But I can totally relate to her just wanting to hang out with you guys, that's exactly how A. is... We are just happy that our son will grow up knowing them because they are a part of his family and therefore a part of our family. As for our youngest son we have a pretty closed adoption, photos & letters through the agency only but we've told the birthparents the door is always open so someday we hope they will walk through it. As for how it evolves, our son is now almost 4 and his birthfamily is honestly like any other part of our family, if we have plans to be nearby we visit. If not we call and connect. One constant is that they have a family reunion every summer which we attend (except this year because of our youngest sons birth), I do realize that at some point our son will be faced with the choice of visiting for that holiday weekend or maybe going away with friends but at that point that he is old enough to make that choice, it will be his to make. And we will adjust and be fleixble always.

More so with our youngest son who was in foster care because he was a preemie and they had trouble placing him do we get the 'you are so wonderful for taking him in' comments from people. Both my husband and i have explained that it was purely selfish, I mean we wanted a kid !!! lol. I think everyone pretty much gets it but like friends of ours make comments about how much better he is doing now that he isnt in foster care etc etc... The fact of the matter is his foster mom was/is an asbolutely angel and loved him greatly... We adopted him because we wanted another child not because we thought that we were saving him... I mean his life would be different if we hadn't adopted him but not better or worse just different. I think people have a hard time with accepting the desire to adopt as a purely selfish act... (not always of course but in our situation)

As for asking about the parents, everyone in our extended circle knows we are the parents, mom & dad etc - we made sure from the beginning to use our birthparents names with people, so we could say "we talked to A. today and she is moving into a new house" or whatever. Or they ask "Have you talked to A lately? or what does A. look like?" For us it was just easier this way...

good luck and congrats !

gina.

[PWRWAGN]

Great comments - thanks everyone! It is always nice to hear from other adoptive parents. Oh - I could not resist, I had to attach some recent photos. Keep the comments and advice coming.

[tinktink]

Oh my goodness! Is she ever beautiful!