[KristineM]

My daughter is almost 4 years old. I want to start discussing adoption with her but I am really confused as to how to go about doing it. DO you have any good suggestions?? Do you know of any books that would help?

THank you!!

[KristineM]

By the way, we have n open adoption and my daughter has visted with her birthmom several times and knows her as mommy and daddy's special friend and she calls her by her first name.

[Lilly's Mommy]

I am certainly not the expert in this as my daughter is just 17 months, but will jump in and share my thoughts.

I'd say run, don't walk to find some children's adoption books. A few I've heard recommended are A Blessing From Above, A Mom For Choco and Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born. There are lots of books to choose from if you check out the Tapestry Books website. They specialize in adoption related books.

We are in an open adoption, and by the time my daughter is 4 I definitely want her to know that she grew in her birth mom's tummy, that her birth mom wasn't ready to be a mommy, and that she chose us to be her parents. I think getting this information to your daughter VERY soon is important. She needs to know the role this special friend plays in her life, sooner rather than later.

Maybe she has seen pregnant women and knows that babies grow in tummies. Perhaps that could start a discussion? She doesn't need very much detail at this age, just the facts that I mentioned above. As she gets older and has questions, you can add more.

This is my opinion. I hope others will have more to contribute. Best of luck to you as you share with your daughter.

Edited to add: I made an 8X8 photo album for our daughter and read it to her even now. It starts with pictures of DH and I, our house, our pets, etc. The text reads generally... "This is mommy and daddy... our house.... our dog Sadie... Mommy and Daddy always wanted a family but mommy couldn't grow a baby in her tummy... Somewhere else ___ had a baby growing in her tummy (pictures), but she wasn't able to be a mommy yet... She wanted to find a family who would love the baby as much as she did and be her mommy and daddy after she was born... God helped us to find each other (pictures of us together), and we were so happy when she chose us to be your parents... This is you when you were born (pictures), a tiny baby that we all loved very much... Mommy and Daddy were so excited to bring you home from the hospital... Here we are on the day the judge made us a family forever (pictures)...

It's obviously very basic, but introduces the ideas. Not sure if you like the idea, but it might allow you to "practice" telling her the story without feeling like you have to memorize what you want to say.

[ddhuab]

Our adoption is closed, because it is international, but this is a question I think about a lot, as we always want to be open with information for our daughter, but we want to strike a balance so that she doesn't always define her self by the fact that she is adopted (although I am sure at times she will).

We have some adoption storybooks we read her. We read lots of other books, too. One of her favorite stories right now, though, is Little Miss Spider, which is an adoption storybook. (although Little Miss Spider seems abandoned, which is very different from your situation -- different from ours too, actually -- but it can be a starting point about talking about adoption and asking your dd what she thinks about it... like what if Miss Spider were able to find her birthmother after she started living with Beetle Betty.. what if she continued living with Beetle Betty, her mother, but was able to visit her birthmom and maybe even her brothers and sisters?) Again, this book may not be the ideal for you, but this is an example of how you can maybe start edging into a conversation. By the way, this book, and many others, do not even use the word "adoption," so you may for sure have to introduce that concept.

Another idea to follow up might be that Jamie Lee Curtis book, "The Night you were born." Since you have a domestic adoption you and your daughter's birthmom can both share your versions of the night your dd was born.

D.

[jodybird511]

I agree with Lilly's Mommy. I'm surprised that your daughter is as old as she is in an open adoption but you haven't yet discussed it with her. My daughter is also 4 and we have used adoption language since infancy with her. I think in many ways, this makes it much easier, b/c it's not like some big "coming out" about it but rather something she's always known. As I said, though, I agree with Lilly's Mommy that you should get to a book store asap and start getting some of this stuff out in the open!

[ddhuab]

I also wanted to echo Lilly's Mommy's idea about your child's own story book. I am planning on putting one together for our dd using photos and scrapbook materials. You can actually find some stickers and such at scrapbooking supply stores. (And of course, you can make everything up yourself with a pen and some photos). I would definitely write it down though so that you can use the same words. It may become a favorite story book for her. Before adopting, I read many books, and a couple mentioned that while it was the best idea to continue mentioning adoption to the child from the very beginning, they really don't "get it" until they are about 7 or 8 years old, and then they will have a sort of "aha" and a grieving period. I am sure "7 or 8" is a very general average, but at least don't beat yourself up over just really getting into this now... as long as you start. For instance, I read a story about a kid that had always heard about how he grew in another mommy's tummy, etc., but did not understand that his daddy adopted him, too.


D.

[jodybird511]

That's very true about not really "getting it." I mean, if you think about it, you really have to understand the whole "where babies come from" thing in at least very basic terms in order to truly understand what adoption means, so...

[loveajax]

KristineM, although I have talked to DD about adoption since she was a baby, obviously she doesn't "get it" (she's 27 mos). I was just trying to get comfortable with talking about it!

DH is adopted and said he never remembers "Finding out," he just always knew. I think if you start talking to DD about this as soon as possible that that will be her reality too (I don't think "aha!" moments are too good).

I love this book, "A Blessing From Above" about a kangaroo with an empty pouch who adopts a baby blue bird whose mom cannot keep it in the nest. It's simple, but it may be a good jumping point to talk about being "born" and being "adopted." I also like "Tell me Again." Maybe after reading this you can say that your "special friend" grew DD in her tummy and loves her very much but wanted you to be her mom and dad. (I'm working this out in my own life, sorry!).

GOOD LUCK!

[KristineM]

We have used positive adoption language in our family since we brought our daughter home from the hospital. I read something recently that talking about adoption with a child as young as 3 or 4 can traumatize them. I simply want to do what I can at this point to truly start the adoption talks with her.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by KristineM

I read something recently that talking about adoption with a child as young as 3 or 4 can traumatize them. I simply want to do what I can at this point to truly start the adoption talks with her.

Really? Where did you read that? I guess I don't see how age appropriate information could traumatize. That's how we plan to share. We really discussed this in depth in our homestudy.
I think books sound like a great way to start.

[Boulderbabe]

Talking with my son about his adoption sure hasn't traumatized him. It's actually been surprisingly emotionally neutral---just a fact of life, like the sky being blue.

We've talked about his birthmom and birthdad since he came to me at age 21 days. He's four now, and seems to really be at peace with it. Talking about it has desensitized a lot of it.

[Emberbit]

Originally Posted by jodybird511

That's very true about not really "getting it." I mean, if you think about it, you really have to understand the whole "where babies come from" thing in at least very basic terms in order to truly understand what adoption means, so...

Kids can "get" more than you'd think. At 3, my daughter could tell everyone about the kittens growing in a cat's uterus (because her first thougth was that mam cat ate the kittens!). And at 4 could explain that the reason her cousins look exactly the same was because they started out as one baby and when they were growing in their mommy's uterus, split into two...

Now at 6, she can explain that one of my friends carried twins not related to her to help another couple because that woman got very sick and had to have her uterus taken out. She understands IVF in basic terms. (Part of mommy and part of daddy combined to make an embryo and placed in a woman to grow into a baby.)

Kids can understand more than you give them credit for...

[KristineM]

Okay, it is not as if we have totally shielded my daughter from knowing about where babies come from and about adotion. I simply wanted some advice on how to go about further discussing it with her and possibly some good books to use as well. Believe me my daughter is not slow in understanding new concepts and she will be taught about open adoption and will know where she came from.

[jodybird511]

Also, just because children understand the facts of a concept does not mean that they "get" the emotional underpinnings of it.

[Rainbow mom]

Videos of Ms Spiders sunnypatch are great to teach adoption and interspecies adoption. Ms Spider adopted alot of different bugs like a dragonfly etc. Very basic but shows the love of an adoptive mother.

Link: N O G G I N: Miss Spider