[gottahavehope]

Adoption has been on my mind constantly lately. I've been all turned around. I'm questioning why I feel the way I do about things. Another post frustrated me, but ultimately got me thinking...

We all have our feelings and opinions about adoption, right? But, where do our strong convictions come from...What are your adoption truths?

Here is what I came up with. (Be warned. It's not pretty)

I'm threatened by my son's birthmother's role. I don't want to be one of two mothers. I realize this because even though she has acted terribly in the past few months, I didn't really work hard enough to understand her grief. I just got hurt and angry and started to close off. Would I have done that with anyone else? Probably not? I'm generally a really compassionate person.

Okay, it gets worse. Now that we no longer talk, I finally feel like my son's mother. I'm shocked that I'm writing that but even as I do, I know it's true. Her presence makes me feel less. Why do I have to feel that way?

I thought at first that the real problem was that she kept telling me I wasn't his real mom and that she hated me..granted that was not fun at all and totally inappropriate on her part.... but it was a manifestation of her intense grief and a mirror of my own insecurity. If I had been sure of my role in the first place, I shouldn't have been so hurt by that. I'm not saying it was right what she did, but I think my reaction to her was based on my fear that in some way she was right to call me out as the "fake" Mommy.

So, I walked away and I walked fast. Heck, I sprinted for the nearest exit sign. What I mean by that is even though I kept calling, writing, sending pics, I distanced myself emotionally and already had one foot on the threshold when she told me she wanted to end it.

I'm not proud of any of this and what might be worse is that truthfully right now, I don't even want to go back. I just want to own up to what I'm feeling because I want to do right by my son. Figuring out why I am doing what I'm doing is the first step.

I say I want him to be happy but the truth is I want his happiness to mean that he doesn't want to know her. I hate myself for feeling this. I'm a hypocrite. I've criticized her for screaming at me and telling me that she hopes my son grows up to hate me and that she can't stand him being happy with me as his mother...but even while I was comforting her and trying to get her to work through it with me, in the back of my head I was terrified that her wish would come true. Terrified I wouldn't be enough. Terrified that adopted mommy meant less of a mommy and so while on one hand I was telling her we could work through it, the other part of my brain was saying get out, get away, run, run, run from this woman.

And then, she ran first and I had the gall to be angry with her. She got pregnant and shut me out. She said she never wanted to talk to us again...and I don't know how to feel about that.

I don't know how to feel about any of this.

And, to make matter worse..if I tell my family or my friends or basically anyone outside of this board all of this they will tell me that I'm lucky she cut and ran. They'll tell me that I shouldn't care for her. They'll hurl stereotypes that will make me cringe and start defending her. Me...the person who couldn't even get the courage to make our friendship work. I suck! I really suck.

Still, I'm angry at her for not being different. I know..how dare I say that. But, I am. I read the posts from birthmothers here and I wish that she could be more like you all~willing to do the work. Yet, how willing have I been? Still, I read about your open adoptions and they scare the life out of me. Why?

Where am I going with these new thoughts? I really don't even know. I just want to clear the slate and really start digging.

I love my son so much. I want to do right by him.
I look at this boy, this little ball of light and love and energy and I am so afraid of failing him. I'm so afraid he'll grow up and hate me for getting it all wrong.

Sigh....So that is my truth right now, bare bones and ugly as can be.

Care to share yours???

[loveajax]

First of all, the fact that you are writing about this is great. I think sometimes it is easy to get "deluded" about your real thoughts/goals, etc. To tell you the truth, I have the exact opposite situation....my DD's birth parents are kind, respectful and loving. My "ugly truth" is that I say that we have a great relationship and we do to some extent, but I feel incredibly guilty that I know that DD's birth mom would love to see her more and I am not really prepared for that. I have been a total coward and said that my DH does not want more visits (this is true...btw, we never "signed up" for an OA, and it kind of just happened). So I sort of hide behind him and make him the "bad guy" -- it's very cowardly and wrong, I know.

To be honest, I would have done the exact same thing that you did in that situation. And you never know what the future will bring -- life is very long and things could definitely change. You seem like a very kind and compassionate person and I think you need to realize that you are not responsible for DS' birth mom's pain. I have the worst case of adoptive mom guilt...it's extremely hard to know that you have benefitted from a choice that was extremely difficult and painful for someone else. One of the reasons that I don't want to have more visits right now is that, after the visits, I am emotionally drained. They are incredibly tough. I want everything to be "happy sunshine" and seeing DD's birth mom crumple when she says good bye to her eats at me for weeks (and frankly, I don't think it makes me a better mom to be torn up like that).

Sometimes I think it is "funny" when I read of others' experiences and go, "Why can't mine be like that!" But the reality is is that every situation is unique...every person is unique, etc. Adoption is not for the faint of heart (for anyone in the equation).

Hang in there!

[BrandyHagz]

I wanted to add, in addition to Loveajax posts, I think you're post is so amazing!

It takes a strong person to put themselves 'out there' like you've done.

I also want to tell you that, no matter what anyone else says, you own your emotions and feelings - doing what is best for your family will ALWAYS be ok. Always.

In the end, that's what it's all about...doing what works best for your family!

Thank you so much for sharing!

[court5505]

Your post was amazing!!! You are so brave to share your feelings like that. I'm too afraid to do that. Heck, I'm still at the point where I'm too afraid to admit them to myself! Thank you for sharing!

[portlowski]

Thanks for sharing your feelings and experiences. I think your post is an act of true bravery and will open up an important discussion.

Part of my journey as an adoptive mom (so far) has been coming to terms with the fact that in reality my son does have another mom. And that nothing will ever change the connection he has to her and to her family. I however can only be a mother through the act of mothering, so when she gets very involved in mothering "our" son I do feel as is she has stepped onto my territory. But I have also come to understand that watching me mother her child is very painful for her, yet she bravely supports me in my role. We have been able to reach a place where we respect each other's role...and that has involved letting go of the idea of being the sole mothering influence in C's life. I know this has been more difficult for her than for me, because she has given up more.

I cannot compare our situations because my son's bmom is, like you described, like the bmoms who post in this forum, incredibly thoughtful and kind and loving. I am so sorry you are going through this challenge, and that she does not have the ability to join forces with you rather than against you at this point in time. You are doing what is best for your son, and at this point, you need to be fully empowered in order to be the best mom you can be FOR HIM. I also see from your post that you are willing to work through issues, and I hope and pray for you and your son and his bmom that you are able to achieve some sort of workable relationship in the future.

One of my early issues in our adoption was that I was not feeling "entitled" to parent my son. I felt guilty. But then my son's bgrandmother sensed this and told me in no uncertain terms that the family NEEDED me to parent her grandson and that they chose my dh and me for a reason, and that my guilt wasn't doing anybody any good! (yup, she is an amazing woman) After that, I really began to delight in the daily business of being a mom.

Bless you for speaking up. Putting voice to your feelings will help you to figure out where to go next.

[bumblebeeskies]

Gottahavehope,

I hope you don't mind an adoptee stepping in here. My truth is that I think a lot of the parts of adoption just plain suck! I have to say that you are incredibly strong! Honestly, from reading some of the birth mom posts on here, I don't know how'd I'd emotionally handle a birth mom's grief. I know personally, I am incredibly weak and wouldn't be able to handle it. I would probably give the baby back. Sometimes I get upset that my amom has no idea what relinquishing me did to my birth mom or does to any birth mom. Of course 29 years ago, few birth moms and amoms ever met.

Like you, I feel guilty a lot of times, but for other reasons. I feel guilty that beyond my immediate family, I don't really claim the rest of my afamily. I feel guilty that no matter what my amom ever did or could do, she could never make up for my bmom not being in my life. I feel guilty that if she called and said "come" that I would run and maybe not look back.

I am angry that my bmom can't see beyond her own life and see my need to know her. OTOH, I feel guilty that I NEED her in my life and can't figure out how to go on w/ out her.

I feel immense guilt for the pain that she went/continues to go through. I'm terribly sorry that she never got to hold or see me. I'm angry that I was inconsolable in the nursery and that the nurses didn't just take me down the hall to my mother. I'm angry at the attorney who set up all the rules/arrangements. I wonder who he thought he was to govern the beginning of my life? I am angry that my aparents just listened to whatever he said.

I better stop now. LOL!!

[devildogwife]

Wow~thanks for sharing. I agree, an amazing post.

[knewengland]

Gottahavehope, thank you so much for an incredibly brave posting and for opening this door to discussion. DH and I are still at the beginning of this journey and our truths have had more to do with grappling with honest feelings about transracial adoption and defining the parameters in adoption that felt right for our family (e.g. what we can and can't accept).

For example, when I began considering breastfeeding and in my mind saw a darker skinned child against my white skin, the emotions were all over the place. Is this right? Is this okay? These followed by guilt that I even wondered. I'd always considered myself a very open, non-judgemental and racially unbiased person. But I was beginning to realize that no matter who we are, we all have biases. That was tough. It was difficult to acknowledge and work through. But I feel good about where I've landed after the work and I think it will make me a better mom.

IMHO I think by acknowledging your feelings you're taking steps that will make you an even better mom, too. Clearly, you love your son enough to work through your emotions to ensure he has a good life. What more can any of us do as parents than be willing to own up to our own feelings, especially those that aren't pretty and work through them? I believe doing that sets a great example for our children and demonstrates a love that goes beyond our own egos or pride.

Thank you again for your incredible post.

[joskids]

This is possibly the most heartfelt and honest thread I've ever read on this site. GottaHaveHope, your words at times echo mine and the guilt that goes along with those feelings is overwhelming.

With our last adoption, we wanted it open. This coming from years of raising our other adopted children, one not even having a photo of his first mother. I have friends in open adoptions that work very well, we hoped for the same. And initially it was all rainbows and sunshine. Our first meeting was incredible, we met her extended family, they loved us and we loved them. It seemed like the answer for birthmother, her family, the birthfather and for us. But that's not how it turned out. Birthfather contested the adoption with the help of birthmother when baby had already been with us at least 4 months. She never got the counseling she needed (even though we would have paid for it and she still needs it). She's never gotten past the hurt. She wishes she would have parented and I feel partially blames us. Recently we heard she doesn't want to visit us because she doesnt want to see us as "one, big, happy family." Really? I thought that's EXACTLY what she would have wanted for her child. She was not sure initially after baby was born, whether she wanted to place. We gave her more time, totally understanding her feelings, and really thought she should have taken the baby home at that point. But she didn't, we cared for her as a foster placement and would have returned her in an instant (with much grief, obviously) because if she wanted to parent, she SHOULD HAVE parented. But months later, well, I'm just sorry but that's not what parenting is all about. Parenting is about "I will do this, no matter what, no matter how difficult, I will make this work, even without help, because I am committed to parenting."

So MY truth is that we are still working on a relationship with her but have lost trust. Birthfather is out of the picture as far as we are concerned. He wanted her to abort, then to place, and then was just trying to "fix a mistake." We are told "they would not want to hurt your family." Really? Then maybe they can take back those months of sleepless nites thinking we would lose our precious girl, and maybe someone could reimburse us for the vast amount of attorney fees (not that money was an issue but we are middle-class and gave up much to fight this). Even aside from all of that, we have concluded that open adoption is not the "happy ending" for everyone. Adoption is not ideal. Loving families are ideal. But we don't live in an ideal world. I hear a lot on this site about birthmothers blaming others for having to place. And I seriously feel for them at a time when they may have felt there weren't a lot of options. But my truth is that we were there when called, we parented when we were asked to parent. We did not steal a baby and I am tired of the guilt that I feel every day knowing our daughter's birthmother regrets her decision. I'm just not sure what anyone would like us to do about that. So if that sounds harsh, heh, guess this is the place for our real feelings and those are mine. I am more compassionate than anyone reading this will ever know but when my family is hurt, to the point of our other 3 adopted children having their security and love for their baby sister threatened, then my compassion wanes. GottaHaveHope, thank you for your honesty. I'd like to give you a great big hug right now . . .

[SamIAm2]

This is the single best thread I have ever read on this message board.


Gottahavehope, thank you for your honesty and for sharing your thoughts. My guess is that many of us have felt some or all of what you are feeling. Adoption is hard. Worth it, but so very hard to always try and guess what is right or best for all involved, especially the child/ren.

[browneyes0707]

Gotta have hope:

You SOOOOO don't suck!!!!

As a b-mom, I want to applaud you for the raw honesty and truth you shared with us!!!! It was incredibly brave of you to post that, especially in an atmosphere that "sometimes" can get a bit critical!

We all have our truths that are "not so nice" to the other sides of the triad. Lets face it, adoption is not a "truly selfless" act. Very few acts in life are.

Last year, I had gotten an email from my daughters a-mom, in which she admitted to me without provocation that she is not ready to handle DD and I having contact right now and does not want to allow it. She apologized for sounding selfish, but it was how she felt. My answer? Do not apologize for how you feel. You are entitled to it, we are all entitled to how we feel, and we all will have selfish moments in out adoption journey!

Lets face it, do I WANT to hear that she is not allowing contact? Um, no! But you know what, that statement made me so happy in the sense that this woman felt comfortable enough to be that honest and share that with me, instead of making excuses. I felt a closeness. There are times when I get on my own selfish kicks and I have my pity parties and sulky moments where I question her sincerity, I TRY to use that statement to put things into persepective. But while we are baring souls, I can tell you its not always that easy, and part of my truth is sometimes I dont want to be so darn understanding!!!!

I just want to hug you for being so open with us!!! Thanks for sharing!!!

[alinev]

My truth is that although our adoption is "semi-open" photos, updates, occasional phone calls outside of agency supervision. Our bmom never wanted more, her family does not even know about the boys and they live in a remote state. We have historically had a pleasant relationship I'd send cards and gifts for her children's bdays, X-mas and Mother's Day etc.

Recently, things have changed and our trust is broken. Now I am angry about her continued bad choices because of the legacy they leave our boys and the impact they may likely have on their siblings.

I was always certain, because of who I believed bmom to be, that an eventual meeting of our families would be at worst just okay and at best a really positive thing. Now I am truly fearful about where she and her children are going to be in the near future.

Her life is not mine to run but whether open/semi or closed, it is part of my children's history and I very much want her life to be successful for bmom, her kids and mine.

[Mom2Max]

I just wanted to add my adoption truth. I am very close with my dd's birthmom. I love her and ,in a way, feel maternal towards her. It is amazing to me that I can love someone and also feel threatened by them at the same time. It is such a conflicting emotion.

She is one of the most important people in my life. She changed my life forever. But she, through no fault of her own, makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy every time she reaches out for contact with dd. I feel horrible that I feel this way. I think with motherhood, comes guilt. Adoption or not. It is easy to feel guilty about these feelings of insecurity and to wonder if you are "doing it right". I worry that I am going to get it wrong. The way I deal with these feelings is overcompensating. I send more pictures than I normally would have. I email more. I am more agreeable to visits. It eases my conscience. I feel less guilty when I look dd's birthmom in the eyes. But then.... by having more contact the cycle starts again and I start feeling uncomfortable. It is tricky.....

[rsbg]

Wow! I have to echo what has already been said here...... What an amazing post. We are "in the process" and I have wondered how I would feel once matched. So your post touched my heart, as well as a lot of others, I am sure. I wish you the best. And thank you for sharing your experience.

[jigger]

Your post is wonderful and very very brave. I think we all have these feelings sometimes. I have posted before (on the foster board) that while we were fostering my now adopted son, I hated that I wished for his birthmother to fail. I'm a nice person. I don't like wishing that someone will fail a drug test or mess up their lives. But, my ultimate goal was to adopt him and I really didn't think she could get it together and be a good parent and in the end, the state agreed with me. That didn't make the feelings any easier to deal with.

I was also surprised that even though we fostered for almost a yeat before we adopted, it was hard to adjust from foster to adoptive mom. I had some PAD just as if he had been placed in my home the day before.

I think this process is really hard for everyone involved. My mom gave me some really good advice one one of my bad days that I have taken to heart.

Whether you're dealing with your biological, adopted, or foster child or your birth mother or whoever, sometimes the best you can do is pretend and that's okay. Pretend to understand. Pretend to be a mommy. Pretend to care about whatever is going on. Eventually, you make it happen. But there's no shame or guilt in the pretending.

My son had issues that made him pretty hard to deal with in the beginning. I was not his mother then, just his foster mom. I didn't always like him very much because of the huge issues he caused in my life and the very real guilt and inadequacy I felt as a result. BUT, I pretended and it was good for us both.

We adopted him in December and I love him dearly. He is my son in every way. I still have some issues and guilt related to his bio-mom but I work through them day by day and when he asks questions, do I lie? No, I just pretend. . .