[lakin11]

Amazing thread......and just great that people have been able to lay it bare w/o judgement! Something not always available here.

I'm coming from a foster/adopt situation. We have a sibling group of 3 and a 'singlet'. With the older 3, their bio mom left them in a motel for days before someone 'found' them and took them to CPS. She has not made any contact since the days she walked out on them. She chose drugs and a new baby (guessing just past a year old) over these 3 precious children. With her, I feel such anger and confusion and frustration. I do not know HOW she could do what she did. How could she just leave them? How could she not look back? How could she not even try to get them back? Yet I know that her walking out has made the transition of DH and I being parents easier. No visits, no torn liberties, no badmouthing the foster parents, etc. Their emotional health at this time is probably better off w/o her toying with them. But then what does that hold for them in the future. What will they think as they grow when they know she didn't come back for them? How much do we tell them?
Their bio dad has a lot of issues and we are currently waiting for his rights to be terminated. He had DV issues and had spent time in jail for abuse against mom. From the little the kids remember, he probably was the one who took the better care of them. Yet he has his criminal past, a drinking problem, has been deported, they would be sent to a life in Mexico with nothing if they were to go back to him. They haven't seen him in almost 3 years. He hasn't done anything DCS has asked him to do to get them back...so why do I still wonder if we are doing the right thing? I see them and I know they feel as if they are part of our family, w/o any thoughts of not being 'blood'. I wonder why he hasn't signed over his rights and has continued to fight this by holding up our adoption petition (w/o doing any part of a caseplan). Then I get mad b/c mom just walked out. So do I want him to fight or walk out too? I know they are as much my kids as any I could have given birth too. The older two 5 and 6 remember bios, and know they are 'mom and dad', but if you asked them who their mom and dad were, their first response would be DH and I. So we wait and pray we can make them forever ours.
As for their future...........I do worry they will have this fantasy of bmom especially. I do worry they will want to find her and go 'back' to her. I feel this fear more about bmom than bdad. Maybe DH feels the this way about bdad.
To make my story even more dramatic.....
Our 'singlet' just turned 2. She's been in foster care since 11 mos old. Bio mom hadn't seen her since the first week she was in care and then just disappeared for over 10 months. She was in another foster home then, but placed with us as a preadoptive placement. One day I get a phone call from the CW saying bmom AND bdad were back and wanted visits, and that judge granted them. My heart sank. Bdad we've found out hadn't seen her since she was a week old. They missed all the visits set up for them in June, missed 2 court dates, then decide to show up at the visits their lawyers made sure they got set up again in Aug. So now they've seen my FD 5 times. She is hysterical at the visits. Cries, kicks, screams, and tries to get away from bmom and back to me. She only knows me as mom, and DH as dad. The bios laugh while she screams and is in obvious distress. I cannot stand to watch their reactions. My heart breaks b/c I know she is confused and scared, and they laugh.
I know about the neglect she suffered those first 11 months.....and knowing bmom is pregnant again, I worry like crazy for the life of that baby. Yet I pray she signs over her rights to MY daughter and then disappears with her new baby.

I've made a big long dramatic story here, and its way past my bedtime, so may not be coherent. But it does feel better to just lay out my fears, frustrations, and anger.

No matter how you adopt.....privately, internationally, foster/adopt, there is pain.

My prayer is that God lets me wake up each day to be the best mother I can to these kids for however long they are here. For a day, for a weekend, for a month, for a year. I'm meant to be a mom, I know that. God will decide to how many, and for how long. I pray for strength to make it through it all.

[portlowski]

Bajj, thakns so much for your kind words about my post.

Stormster, I was once where you are now. My son is now 8 months old and I love him completely and he is my son 100%. I have stopped telling total strangers he was adopted when they comment on how much he looks like me. I have stopped second guessing myself. I have stopped wondering if I will ever feel the unconditional mother-love that moms say they feel...because I feel it now every day. But it took time. As another poster said, about 3 months and then it kept growing.

But I also have come to terms with the fact that he has a birthmom who carried him and who loves him as much as I do. At first, I was threatened because in my heart I knew she loved him more. That was what scared me...not that he would love her more than me, but that she would love him more than I do. but now I am not afraid because my love knows no bounds, and that means that I am finally able to welcome her as a sort of partner...not in parenting, but a partner in the spiritual world of motherhood.

I knew I had finally "arrived" in a good place one day when I was fretting about the fact that my own mother died young and I am rapidly approaching the age she was when she died. And then I beathed a sigh of relief that at least my son wouldn't be totally motherless like I was...he would still have S, his bmom. I told her this story and she said, "but it wouldnt be the same, cause you're his mom." And we agreed that neither one of us could take the place of the other, but it's nice to know that Little Guy has so much love in his life.

The first few motnhs were so much harder than I expected. I had waited so long to be a mom and then this wondeful little baby was dropped in my lap and I felt too conflicted to enjoy it.

My advice is to read Sleepy Dream's post 10 times! She is right. You did not create the circumstances of your child's birth so your guilt is misplaced. Yes, your child's bmom is in pain. Honor her, and work to have a good realtionship with her. But put your child first.

Sorry this is so long. I totally understand where you are coming from. Best wishes to you and your little one.

[mommy3]

I feel like everyone here has bared their souls -- thank you for your candor and your non-judgmental words. We each have so much in our hearts when it comes to adoption and the journeys we took along the way.

My truth is that I feel totally my children's mother. I have fully open adoptions with both of our children via adoption and am very open about adoption but don't put their info out there -- it's there info and *I* am their mother. I'm comfortable with sharing the mother role with their birthmoms and enjoy visits. I know that the political version is that we give a family to our children, but for me, it was completely two-way. I was ready, deeply emotionally ready each time for my babies and they came to us as our son and daughter just as much as we were "giving them a family".

My other truth is that I hate (honestly, I think I really do hate) it when I get questions about "what is she?" or "where did you get him/her?" I care so much about adoption and explaining openness, but I detest it when I get hammered with questions about my children's identity or "where we got them". My littlest dd is part Chinese and everyone things she is from China -- I laugh (sometimes) and explain that her family has been in the U.S. longer than mine -- and she's not Chinese. People look at me dumbly - - and then I usually stop talking. I don't want to turn this thread into a "what a the dumbest things you've heard" thread, so I'll stop here -- but that truth is real to me.

One of the aspects about open adoption that I love is knowing that my children can know their stories, simply and naturally -- I so hope that helps them be less conflicted. Their visits with bfamilies and our openness can foster what I deeply hope for -- just a natural feeling about who they are as centered, healthy children.

I put up with a fair amount of intrusion and enjoy most of it with open adoption, but the wonderful part is that, for my children, the truth is comforting. When I can tell them that I'd go through anything for them, I know and they know, that's also true -- susan

[joskids]

(((Stormster))), as honest as you are being with yourself and with those on this thread, I have no doubt you will bond to your child. The more you guilt yourself about how you are (not) feeling, the longer it will take. Let go of the guilt, know that you are so normal, and it will happen. I don't know how spiritual you are, but it helps me to know that all 4 of my adopted children are here because GOD wanted them to be here, not because WE wanted it or because their birthparents did anything wrong to make it happen or because their birthparents chose us and then decided they should not have placed. I really do believe it was a GOD thing and on my difficult days, when I'm feeling guilty, I just have to remind myself of that. Best wishes, honey. You deserve so much happiness.

[Sleepydream]

Originally Posted by gottahavehope

I love my son's birthmother for who she is and do not feel threatened by her. I do not romanticize her or worry about what the future holds for their relationship. That is up to them to work out, and really has no bearing on my relationship with my children.

I wish I was as certain as you. I want to be where you are emotionally. May I ask you a question, does your son see his birthmother? If so, what is it like? What role do you play in them having contact ect.

Thanks,
K

Yes my son does see his birthmother and 4 half siblings. He usually spends the majority of his time playing with the girls and not paying a whole lot of attention to what T and I are up to. She does not push him or smother him at visits and if she did maybe I would feel differently. I usually have to talk to him privately before we leave to get him to give her a hug and kiss. I remind him of how much she loves him and how it may be a while before he sees her again. Generally he compromises and gives her a hug and lets her kiss him on the cheek. My role at visits is the same as my role all the time. I am his mom. I get after him for throwing sand, I comfort him if he gets hurt, etc. as things come up.

Sometimes after visits he will say "Mommy, I love "T". I always respond with "I love T too". Generally this is followed by difficult questions like -Why doesn't she give the baby a bath? - or - Why don't M, H and B have pretty clothes like P (my daughter)? - or - Why can't YOU take them to the doctor, they are sick! - or - Why can't we bring M, H and B home with us so YOU can be their mommy since T can't take care of them like you take care of us?

My point is, it's not always easy. I mean, he is just 4 years old and is able to pick up on the above issues and see the difference in how he and his half sisters are living. Basic things, like a Daddy, a doctor when you are sick, a bath when you are dirty....things most children take for granted or even balk at, he sees them do without.

I just tell him we don't have to agree with or like everything T does (or doesn't do) in order to love her. We can love her and still hope that things will get better for her and the girls at the same time. He has expressed feelings of sadness for T and the girls and I make sure he knows that is ok, and that sometimes it makes me sad too. He has not yet expressed anger, but I think it is just a matter of time if the situation gets worse or does not improve. We pray for them at bedtime and send P's hand me downs to them, give practical gifts (such as diapers, sippie cups, baby shampoo, etc) instead of toys on holidays.

So, it is complicated and I am dealing with it the best I can. Am I making mistakes? Almost certainly. Is it enough? I hope so.

[Juliana13]

I cannot tell you how much I love this thread! it does the heart good to feel the raw emotions and thoughts of those around us. Even if we don't share all the same thoughts, it helps us process our own and feel a sense of real community. Thank you for sharing!!

I totally echo, if I am being truly honest, what some of the posters have said:

I want to be enough. Sure, if they want to develop a relationship with their pirthparents, then great... as long as it is because they WANT to, not because they NEED to, does that make sense? (And a secret corner of my insecurities hope they have no need...)

And I think it is great that my children love their birthfamilies, as long as they love me more. (Just being honest.) And they can honor their place in their lives, but I want them to always think of me and DH as their REAL parents. Our family as their REAL family. They can love their bfamily, but more like extended family, like cousins... (Not that I have any control over that, but that is how I see it.)

I truly love their birthmothers, and even their birthfathers, though the contact is very limited. They have done nothing but support us as the parents, but do I feel threatened? Sure. Sometimes I do. I don't like that I am not the only mommy my children have ever had. I don't want to share that role. But I have to. I am their only mommy now, and I have to be satisfied with that. But the role of birthmother is big, - and beautiful, - and I also have to be prepared to accept and support my children in whatever way they want to pursue that relationship.

Some days I wish they hadn't been adopted, but had been born to me. Not so much for me (I don't know - maybe it is for me) - but so they won't have those tough issues and emotions to deal with as they grow. Of course, then they wouldn't be them, and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

[MrsD]

I just want to express my gratitude and admiration for all of you who have been so honest and willing to share. So many of your truths are thoughts that have run through my head. So many of my fears and anxieties about placement have been talked about. It's so helpful to me to see that these are normal emotions and that it's okay to feel them.

Thank you so much. You are all an inspiration.