[loveajax]

I was showing my DD her birth book the other day...Her birth sister "S" in the picture is about the same age as my DD "J." J looked at the picture of S and said, "Mama, that's J!" (they do have an uncanny resemblance). My other "ugly truth" is that i feel so guilty that J and her two sisters are not being raised together. I am sad for all of them about that. (also, i feel this desperate need to have a sibling for J because I "worry" that she would rather live with her siblings than as an only child with us).

(WOW! As a lapsed Catholic, I feel like I am in the confessional again! haha!).

[bajj]

Originally Posted by lonni

This thread is wonderful.
For myself, I have always had trouble reconciling the fact that my joy comes on the back of another familie's devastation;~((

Amen sister! I have always felt this way too. It's so hard being so happy knowing how devestated someone else is. I have to remind myself that my children's First Mothers did not choose me because they wanted me to be sad for them and feel sorry for them for the rest of their lives. They chose me because they thought I would be the best parenting choice for their child. That usually helps, but it is hard!

[bajj]

Originally Posted by joskids

My daughter met our 9 year old son's birthfamily and saw photos of his birth siblings and met his Aunt (not birthmom). She said it just hit her so hard that her little brother really belonged to another family and, even though she has always considered him to be her brother, to see his first family was very overwhelming to her. She was just shaking when she left them. These are powerful feelings. Again, my point that adoption is not ideal for anyone in the triad. Loving and functional biofamilies are ideal but we just don't live in an ideal world. It's nice to be able to voice our truths on this post.

I can imagine the emotions. It is hard and such a complex set of emotions, at that!

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by bajj

Amen sister! I have always felt this way too. It's so hard being so happy knowing how devestated someone else is. I have to remind myself that my children's First Mothers did not choose me because they wanted me to be sad for them and feel sorry for them for the rest of their lives. They chose me because they thought I would be the best parenting choice for their child. That usually helps, but it is hard!

Add another Amen over here!! This was SO hard for me at the last visit because it was the first time I saw his birthmother in pain....the first visit she was cheerful. Whew the emotions...you read them in a book but there is no preparing you..

[browneyes0707]

I'm reading through all these new responses, and I have to say, it is really amazing to me. Some of these posts I can see my DD's a mom writing, one I actually could have SWORN she wrote!!!

It just really gives a better understanding for me this side of the triad, especially in a situation like mine where there is an obvious affection and mutual respect for eachother and their role, but there is so much insecurity and fear underneath. I could never understand from my standpoint why that was, I was struggling with WHY a-mom would feel threatened when I 've tried and done so much to assure her of the opposite. But to see how many of you share these "truths" (which are not ugly BTW, in fact the expression of it makes it beautiful) makes me realize it is part of the experience, and not something that I did or said to provoke it. It just gives me more patience and more understanding when things don't go the way I would like. And this has started me to sort of shift through my own feelings as a birthmother, and evaluate my own situation and be able to see it in a new light.

And it gives me a new respect for all of you to be able to be so honest and so self aware. Thanks again for sharing!!!!

[loveajax]

Browneyes, thanks for that!!!

[gottahavehope]

I'm toying with the idea of sending my son's birthmother an e-mail and sharing some of my feelings with her, but I'm scared, scared, scared! What will it mean if I do? Will the cycle of constant calls and e-mails where she pours out her pain and anger return . Can either of us bear it as I fluster and flub my responses. Will we both be left as before...exhausted and angry at each other? I don't know...Isn't this what I wanted deep down, us not to talk so I could have Jackie all to myself? Why let her back in? Maybe because thinking I can make her disappear just because we don't talk is such a stupid thought anyway.. knowing full well I can never take her out of the equation~she is his birthmother. I write the word mother and it makes me sad. How can I get past this fear? I really don't know what to do. I feel I have a responsibility to my son to contact her, but I don't want to...or at least I don't think I do, maybe I do. Will he want a relationship with the baby she is carrying, his brother or sister? How will his other sister, my daughter Molly, feel about all of this? Will Molly and Jack be close? Will Molly be angry or jealous that Jack has another sibling? If I don't contact my son's birthmother will he hate me for it? Is that the only reason I'm thinking of contacting her. My mind is swirling these days. Is it fair to contact her when she said she didn't want any more contact and I don't know what I want? Did she just say she never wanted to talk to any of us again because she was hurting? What will my dh and my parents, who are all against contact, think if I reach out to her? Is she really a threat? Would she ever try to do the things she said she would do, kidnap, convince Jack to hate me? Would she try and manipulate and undermine my relationship with my son if she was in our life? Will she show me honesty if I show it to her? UGGGG!! I'm so frustrated. I think I'm going to just go and read a book and try to put all this out of my head for awhile. My little ones are so at peace as they sleep in the nursery. I wish I could be.

Not at peace,
K

[bajj]

Gotta, maybe if you choose to open up contact you can set up some boundaries and say you are there for support, but not for threats and anger, and if that is what will happen you will not be able to remain in contact.

Browneyes, I too, thank you for your post.

[portlowski]

Wow! Those are a lot of thoughts swirling through your head in that last post. You have my prayers and (((hugs)))

One thought would be starting very simply and verrryyy slowly, not trying to renew the whole relationship at once but just simply acknowledging that you are facing many emotionals hurdles and you understand that she is too. Perhaps assuring her that even if you don't see her she will have an honored place in your child's life becasue she gave him life. And then ending it by simply saying that you hope you will both be able to eventually move beyond the hurt and have some type for realtionship for your son's sake. Then wish her and her (new) baby well and put the ball in her court.

These are just my thoughts...hope I don't seem bossy and like I'm telling you how to handle things!! You are so thoughtful and your intentions are honorable so cut yourself a break and realiz eyou can only control your half of the equation and not how she responds. You are only responsible for your feelings, not hers.

Good luck to you, Gottahavehope.

[Vogi2002]

Gotta - If you are anything like me, it's sometimes harder to have no contact than have some contact. You are probably left with a feeling of unrest and no closure. You worry about your children, and if they see thier bmom down the line, what will the bmom say happened? Will they become bitter with you for not trying more? We have not been through nearly what you have, but I imagine that you WANT what open adoption benefits...you want this for them.

I think the best thing for you to do at this point is maybe find a mediator. Someone that can help you and can be there for visits. Tell her you WANT this but she needs to find some counseling and hold up her end (which means no anger). My agency is working with the bmom and I right now and I'm so thankful for that. I don't want to be her social worker, I don't know how to tell her what is and is not appropriate behavior. Go slow, give yourself time...sort of "ease" into visits. Start off with just a lunch...and maybe a weekly email or monthly.

I would be cautious and tell her while you want to be honest with each other, sometimes there is such a thing as TOO honest also.

As far as YOUR fear as the mother...well that is a cross that we have to bear and try to get over (right there with you girl). I expect that if the openness goes well you will be surprised at how that helps things. Funny how ONLY Cooper's bfamily can make me feel less validated as his mother. Noone else can. So when they ARE accepting of me as his mother...and things are good...it is great for me. Right now I have to learn to seperate the two feelings. Two NOT depend on them in order to validate myself. This will take time also, but at least I have a plan.

It's sad for us to think of our children having another person out there that they will care about (most likely) and that person not being a part of thier life. Sometimes, this IS for the best...if that ends up being so, don't less this consume you with guilt. You didn't control her actions or choose them.

((((((hugs))))))) None of this may apply to you either, but just know I am right there with you and you are not alone in your fears and thoughts.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by portlowski

Wow! Those are a lot of thoughts swirling through your head in that last post. You have my prayers and (((hugs)))

One thought would be starting very simply and verrryyy slowly, not trying to renew the whole relationship at once but just simply acknowledging that you are facing many emotionals hurdles and you understand that she is too. Perhaps assuring her that even if you don't see her she will have an honored place in your child's life becasue she gave him life. And then ending it by simply saying that you hope you will both be able to eventually move beyond the hurt and have some type for realtionship for your son's sake. Then wish her and her (new) baby well and put the ball in her court.

These are just my thoughts...hope I don't seem bossy and like I'm telling you how to handle things!! You are so thoughtful and your intentions are honorable so cut yourself a break and realiz eyou can only control your half of the equation and not how she responds. You are only responsible for your feelings, not hers.

Good luck to you, Gottahavehope.

IMHO, this is an excellent post!

[Sleepydream]

I should probably not even post this, but at the risk of sounding harsh....

My adoption truths are:

I refuse to feel guilty for being a mother to my children. The way I see it, my desire to have children and the circumstances that led to their adoption are completely separate and totally unrelated. It's not like my longing for a child affected either of my children's birthfamily's circumstances or had anything to do with choices they made, their available options or lack thereof. I am neither responsible for, nor obligated to share their grief. I wish that adoption did not have to hurt birthfamilies, but it is what it is and I can not change it. The best way for me to honor them and respect their pain is to love my children like crazy and give them the absolute best childhood and every opportunity to have a headstart on life that I can.

I love my son's birthmother for who she is and do not feel threatened by her. I do not romanticize her or worry about what the future holds for their relationship. That is up to them to work out, and really has no bearing on my relationship with my children.

I do not expect myself to be a perfect parent, nor my kids to be perfect children. Of course I am going to screw some things up, I am human. No one gets it all right, no matter how your child joins your family....I certainly will be no different. I do the best I can with what I am given. Sometimes I hit them outta the park...sometimes I strike out and that is ok.

I will always be honest with my children about their adoption stories. I will handle the difficult parts of their stories with compassion and respect, but I will not make excuses and I will not lay blame.

I wish my daughter's adoption was open. Even with all the drama, at least I have answers and I am armed with information to help my son deal with things as they come up. I have nothing but a stack of blacked out paperwork for my daughter that offers little beyond the cool raw data from her apgar scores and shot records.

I respect the fact that my children will grow up different than me. In fact I embrace it. Nature vs. Nurture...who cares? Does it really matter how these two little miracles became who they are? Not to me, they are who they are and I love every inch of them. The good and the bad, just the way they are. It all combines to make the two most precious miracles in my life, something I will never question and will never take for granted.

Maybe all this makes me selfish, unrealistic or even a bit naive. Someday it may all come back to bite me in the butt and I will find myself alone, abandoned by the children who have stolen my heart. However, I honestly can not imagine that ever happening. If that happens, I will likely die of shock anyway so it will only matter for a minute, lol.

[gottahavehope]

I love my son's birthmother for who she is and do not feel threatened by her. I do not romanticize her or worry about what the future holds for their relationship. That is up to them to work out, and really has no bearing on my relationship with my children.

I wish I was as certain as you. I want to be where you are emotionally. May I ask you a question, does your son see his birthmother? If so, what is it like? What role do you play in them having contact ect.

Thanks,
K

[Stormster]

I don't know how one can be human and not feel for a mother who has to give up her child. It is one of the most unnatural things imaginable.

I used to speak to my son's first mom every day preparing for the birth and now she doesn't return my calls. I miss her so much.

I still haven't bonded with him and won't let myself off the hook. I see him as a beautiful child. A child I am entirely responsible for ...but not as MY son.

It's like I'm depending on her forgiveness in order to really be his Mom.

My truth is I can't seem to find joy during another woman's pain and I'm guilty when the baby needs me 100% heart and soul.

I have it BAD huh.

[Vogi2002]

(((((Stormster)))))

It's so hard at first huh? Remember it takes time. Did you work with an agency? I would suggest talking to a social worker there. Not because you are crazy...but because the feelings you are having are SO normal and they might be able to help.

It's hard when you think the bonding will be instant and it's not...he is still so young and everything is so new... I know with Cooper it took a while before I fully embraced him as my son...maybe 3 months or more even!! Not because I didn't want or love him...but because I just couldn't imagine this beautiful thing being my son. I was also SO overwhelmed with the whole "new mommy" thing!