[knewengland]

Our agency contacted us today about an emom whose baby is the result of rape to see if we'd be interested in having our book shown to her. DH and I are grappling with the ramifications and I'm wondering if anyone else has gone down this road and can give us "food for thought" from their own experiences. Many thanks in advance.

[BrandyHagz]

What are your specific concerns?

[knewengland]

So many-not knowing anything about the bdad, was he violent due to mental illness which could affect the child, being prepared to tell the child later are just a few.

[jaenelle]

We were open to conception by rape, along with a lot of other awkward things, but I can't say for sure what we would have done had we gotten one of those situations... we didn't.

I did want to wish you good luck. Only you can know what is right. We just tried to tell ourselves... If it feels like you can handle it, you can. If it doesn't, then it's not meant to be your child.

[court5505]

This was one circumstance that we were not open to from the beginning.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Being foster to adopt we were open to many more situations given the fact that these children come into care for many different reasons. Bear and his mother were in foster care together and he was conceived thru the rape of his mother by a level 3 registered sex offender. His mother was 13 at the time and the man was 22.

I don't worry about how HE will turn out because I believe parenting and environment can overcome many things. My concern is how to approach the subject as he gets older and starts asking the tough questions. My heart broke for his mother...but more so for him...when the case worker called and asked us to take him. His mother did NOT want him and had proven so in her inability and lack of want to nurture and parent him. He was malnourished and did not respond to human touch for a long time as he had never been held, cuddled, or unconditionally loved in the first 8 weeks of his life.

We still see the same pediatrician who called for the removal of him from the care of his biological family and she is amazed every time she sees him at how much he has flourished. I hold the topic of child born of rape dear to my heart because although Bear was brought into this world under circumstances that were less than ideal...I couldn't love him more if I had given him life myself. He will always know that he is my blessing.

[mommy3]

One of my former coworker' adopted a baby girl at birth via open adoption. She had been conceived due to rape. Because they had an open adoption, they agreed to have her birthmom share the reasons for her birth at the "right" time, which ended up being when she was 13. I think an adoptive mom could also share this info but it was special coming first from the girl's birthmom. She said that her birthdaughter was supposed to be here so much that as her birthmom, she was meant to go through this harrowing experience for her. . . that she was so blessed because the birthmom knew that she couldn't be the one to raise her but that her adoptive mom was chosen special by God. The birthmom told her birthdaughter that she'd never have aborted her, that she knew she was special and that she was meant to be here, with her adoptive mom. The birthmom also shared that she'd go through more for her, only if it meant her birthdaughter would be safe and sound. I thought that was a great way of sharing very difficult info in such a loving way. susan

[knewengland]

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I'm talking to the sw again this morning and your comments have been most helpful.

[HBV]

Karen, there's some good information on this in one of Lois Melina's books---it's either THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE or RAISING ADOPTED CHILDREN, I can't remember which.
We had a potential situation like this and would have been open to it, but she wound up choosing another family.

[shy_bear]

Baby A who we are hoping to adopt is a product of rape. I have NOT thought at all that he might be violent etc due to his bf's history. Our concern has lied in how will he feel knowing he was a product of rape. We will be there for him and guide him, but I know it will be hurtful. It is the reason his birthmom delivered and left him; she wanted nothing to do with him. The whole situation is very sad, but I would have never turned down a child due to it being a case of rape. Good luck

[BrandyHagz]

My son is also a product of rape.

He'll be 13 this year, we've still not discussed the circumstances of his conception...I'm not sure I plan to. I have told him that his biological father and I never dated and were never married (he asked)...but beyond that, I've just left it alone (and I realize many wont agree with me on my decision).

While I have no proof that my son has issues that are a result of his paternal parentage, my son does have mental health issues. He is currently diagnosed with Aspergers, Bipolar disorder as well as ODD.

Regardless of the 'rape' situation - accepting an 'unknown' situation leaves a lot unsaid. Any number of medical conditions could be there...

[knewengland]

Thanks again to all who've shared their thoughts. Brandy, thanks also for sharing such an intimate, personal experience.

[joelynn]

Our dd was the result of a date rape. Bmom had just met the guy...no info...don't even know the real ethnic background...she thought Italian but could be Hispanic. Agency thought hispanic. Bmom didn't receive any prenatal care...total denial of the situation. She already had 4 at home she was solo parenting. Anyway...she went into the hospital...gave birth and walked out 6 hours later! Hospital called agency and it took them almost 3 months to track her down and get her to fill out heritage info. Still don't know much. All of this info to say...we have a very beautiful healthy daughter that we got when she was almost 4 months old. She is now a bright and active well adjusted 3 1/2 year old.
Go for it! Don't let the unknowns scare you away from what may be the child of your dreams!

[knewengland]

Originally Posted by HBV

Karen, there's some good information on this in one of Lois Melina's books---it's either THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE or RAISING ADOPTED CHILDREN, I can't remember which.
We had a potential situation like this and would have been open to it, but she wound up choosing another family.

Thanks for this referral. I'll add it to my reading list regardless of what we decide. I figure the more info the better!

[court5505]

Our decision to not be open to a situation like this didn't have anything to do with the possibility of violent behavior. It was more that I don't think we would be equipped to handle the explanation and the issues that will go along with it, further down the road. People have strengths in different areas and this would not be one of mine.