[polkadotghost]

Hi, I haven't posted in a long time mostly due to my frustration and disappointment with the relationship with my daughter's birthmom "K" falling apart. DD is almost 5 and we have had a rocky relationship (introduced through a now mutual former friend who loved drama) but have always worked through it. I adore her and we've developed a good relationship or so I thought. We've tried to keep it extremly open, frequent visits, emails, pics, phone calls etc. In the last year after her two children were born (she has put herself through community college, got a good job, married her love(not birthfater), and has a great house) I've noticed a big change. She would rarely ask for visits or come when I invited her. It was usually always the same thing "I'll ask hubby and call you back" and then never does.

I'm busy with 3 so I'm not guiltless either. I lose track of time so fast I forget what day it is and suddenly 3 weeks have passed. I have always said if she want to just take out DD then just call and check if we're busy. I've always tried to keep that open but she's rarely ever asked to take out DD. I've also struggled with post partum depression with my second child and am fighting through it now with my 8month old. I have talked extensively with her about it and how ashamed of it I am.

Her hubby was once extremly involved and friendly and as they have had their gorgeous kids I've noticed that he's not interested at all in our daughter or us. The last get together he brought a friend along and ignored us completely which is fine but he totally ignored our daughter who adores him.

Last Oct we got a email out of nowhere from "K" saying she wanted to partially close the adoption, it was too hard to see DD and watch her little ones grow up knowing she missed out on all of DD's milestones. She still feels tremendous guilt over placement and I think its eating her alive slowly. She is upset she's taking it out on her family and she doesn't see DD as much as she wants so she feels no connection to her due to lack of visits (they went from every few weeks to every couple of months). She has never gotten counselling or any kind of help despite my providing constant suggestions, websites, counsellors, support groups. Her family (except for a one member) has refused to even acknowledge DD's existence so minimal support there. She promised she'd never just disappear (which we've always talked about as being the worst thing that she could ever do to DD) and she'd always be there if DD needed her and I should phone her and finialize everything before she removed herself.

Well I tried to talk to her on the phone about it, she refused to speak to me on the phone, said I wasn't allowed to call her anymore and only emails. So I respected her wishes and tried to set up a more concrete visit schedule and talk about her concerns about feeling distant from me and my hubby. After a brief period of silence she finally emailed us and we got together and she emphasized she just went through a rough spot and to ignore the oringinal email and she wanted us to work on our relationship and now wanted to get together weekly. Maybe I wasn't as receptive to weekly as I should have been. I mentioned that I was insanely busy with 3 different playschools, new baby, etc but I did want to getogether more often maybe every other week or see how it goes. She was also talking about moving to our suburb and enrolling her kids in DD's school. I said I loved the idea of her being closer but was a little concerned with the kids being in the same school as we all know how cruel other kids can be.

I wasn't really worried about it just overwhelmed by the sudden switch from wanting no contact to constant, "we looked at a house 2 blocks from you" contact. Maybe I wasn't as enthusiastic as she wanted, I didn't shoot it down was just surprized. Well a month or so later the last email I got from her was a reply that she'd get back to me about setting up a visit and nothing for now over 4 months. She's always sent joke emails, etc. but now nothing. I've kept sending updates and pics, even setup an account where she can view pics, videos of DD without dealing with us if she wants but she needs to friend request first and she is ignoring us. I've also forwarded all my emails to her hubby in case there is soemthing wrong with her email. I'm just so frustrated and angry.

I have no idea how to explain to my DD why "K"won't visit or come to her sports games or call or anything. I know I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes in this I'm just so upset she'd just disappeared from our lives. She won't try mediation, nothing. She's disappeared before for periods of time when she's upset but never even close to this long and with absolute no contact. Sorry, I just needed to vent, I just keep questioning if open adoption was the right thing to do or we've just messed up DD(she's almost 5) with all of this. Just angry at "K", angry at myself mostly for this not working. Feel like I've failed my daughter. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Leigh131313]

First of all - you cannot control the actions of other people. You have reached out and expressed your feelings and concerns - the rest is up to K.

As for your daughter - I don't know....I think you just need to be honest with her. There's nothing more you can do. If your dd asks, just explain that K can't come right now, or can't make it to her game or whatever.

Your dd will be ok. We all have family members that are a stronger presence in our lives for a while and then disappear for a bit....and hopefully come back again. This is just a part of life. A part of her life.


I know it's difficult - but remember she will pick up on your feelings about this. Try to stay as positive as you can.

[Hadley2]

I'm sorry you are having to have this concern for your daughter. I hope you don't mind a little different angle on it.

Your sentence about not knowing how to explain it to your daughter rang in my head because of something that happened this weekend.

One of my SIL mentioned that she had spoken with fd's older half sister. She asked the girl if she had heard from her father (SIL's brother) lately. The girl said no, she had tried last June, but never heard anything. SIL then volunteered to her that, "oh, well, he is very busy, he is in a program now." He is in jail and has been for the summer. When I asked why she would say he was "in a program," she said, "well, I didn't know how to explain it to her. What would you have said?" I said that I wouldn't have explained anything to her as I can't read her father's mind, so I don't know why she hasn't heard from him. I said I wouldn't make up an explanation just to have one. I also sure as heck wouldn't say he was in a "program" when he was in jail. She asked, "would you say he's in jail?" and I said, "if asked a direct question, of course. Lying isn't kind."

That's the long way around of saying I think this is a little bit of a boundary question. I don't think you do need to "explain" it to her. You don't know. You can't honestly speak for this other person. That is your daughter's reality and the reality of her relationship with her birthmother. I know a lot of people think they need to cushion truth, and it is nice to put it as kindly as possible, but IMO, it still needs to be the truth. Even saying "she couldn't make it" implies a lot of things you don't know or simply aren't true--that the woman knew about the event, that something else was more important to her, etc. If it were me and the child asked, I would simply say I don't know why we haven't heard from her. There have been other times when time went by and we didn't, then we did. Sometimes it is like that. After that, I would just deal with her feelings about it, not try to explain other people's actions or predict the future.

In my case, I know my SIL meant well, but it will out in the long run, and there will be a price tag on her kindness--one that I will probably have to at least partially pay. One thing I've learned on the foster road is that parents--bio, foster and adoptive--don't have all the answers and my fd and her half-sister, at least, respect us and trust us more when we admit it. They are also able to deal with their lives better since they have a better understanding of what it is and is not.

I hope your situation resolves itself in a way that everyone is comfortable with. Clearly you are a loving and conscientous parent and person, so it is hard to see a situation develop that could be distressing to your child.