[Anna76]

Hello everyone...
I have been a member for a long time here, I very rarely post, but read here everyday. I have a long story but I will try to just keep it short.
I have a 5 yr. old DD that was adopted as an infant, we have a very open (family) adoption with her. Her 1st Mom and I are first cousins. I also have a 6 yr. old DS that is mine and Dh's bio son, and I have an 8 yr. old DS that was conceived while I was "separated" from my husband for a short time (when I was 22 yrs. old) We were married at 19 (both of us)! My husband has always known the Ds #1 was not his biological son, but it has never mattered to him, he treats all three the same and is an awesome Dad!!! Since we were married when he was born, DH was the assumed father and was put on the BC. We didn't say any different and we moved and I never told the bio dad I was even pregnant. I know... very terrible!!! I was 22 and scared to death! I have always felt bad about it, especially since my DD's adoption is so open and she understands and is not confused at all. I feel like we have done a great job with openness in her case. Meanwhile, I have "lied" to my firstborn all this time... My DH never wanted to tell him. Finally I let it be known that I was not going to keep this from him forever. DH agreed that I could tell him, but he is worried and not very happy about it.
My DS is very mature for his age! I decided to tell him this past May. He has taken it amazing well! Since his sister is adopted the whole concept of having another mom or dad (in this case dad) is not something unfamiliar to him.
Now my problems... so far... I have not told DH that DS knows... DS is waiting to talk to his dad about it after I do. I feel badly about this also, but I wanted to see if telling DS would affect his relationship with his Dad. It hasn't seemed to. I also wanted to be able to tell DH that DS has known and it hasn't changed how he feels about his Daddy (DH's big worry!) My other problem is DS wanted me to contact his bio-dad. I did tell DS that bio-dad does not know about him. So... I found him on myspace (gotta love myspace). I made contact with him two days ago for the first time in over nine years. He contacted me back and even called me. We had a nice conversation and he seems very nice. I didn't know what to expect. He was also 22 at the time. I did NOT tell him about DS on the phone!!! He thinks I just looked him up as an old friend.
Ds asked me if I had talked to him yet, and I told him I have. DS has now asked me if he could meet him sometime. It seems exciting to him. I did tell DS that I haven't told him yet though. I just need some advise... I feel like I am trying to do the right thing, but I am afraid I am going to mess this up in some way. DH still knows nothing except I intend to tell DS sometime. A little "outside" prospective" from anyone, Aparents, 1st parents, adoptees, would be great! Thanks so much for reading this long post!

Anna

[joskids]

ooh, don't want to give any advice here. I would, though, consider that your husband is a wonderful father to all of his children. Do you think it would be best for you to be as honest with him as you have with your son? Sounds like he deserves your complete honesty and respect. I'll keep you in my prayers. Life sure isn't easy, is it???

[blc2002]

Well, I've got to say that in the end it will all eventually come out. So, you probably should think very seriously about talking to your DH. He should know what's going on.

However, I think that it is great that you are allowing your son's father back into his life. That is not an easy spot to be in for any of you.

My next thought is to talk to your EX and make sure that there are clear expectations of what kind of relationship you are looking for. Some men think that when you come back to find them that you are looking for romance. I would be VERY VERY clear what your expectations are and make sure he understands that you are doing this so that your son may know his dad.

Best wishes to you. It sounds like that you are opening up a complex chapter in your life and I wish you all the best.

Bridget

[MotherInWaiting1969]

I'd talk to DH, not only about telling DS, but about contacting the EX. Keep that a secret too long and he could feel threatened. But now your asking DS to keep that secret, too, PLUS, the secret that he even knows. I think it's time to have a sit-down, with everyone.

B

[MaryannsMiracle]

First of all I think it is great that you realize that this secrecy and lying is wrong. I think it is wonderful that you finally told your son too. However, the longer you wait to tell DH, the harder is might get. Ask yourself, how would you feel if DH contacted an old flame that he had a child with and did not tell you? I think you know the answer to that one. Not only that, but how long do you think DS will able to keep this secret of knowing to DH?
First thing I would do is come clean to DH as far as telling DS. Then you both can talk to DS about things. Also, how do you think the Ndad will take the news? Will he want some kind of relationship with DS? This is another thing that must be considered. What if the Ndad is not as excited about meeting DS? DS will no doubt need both you and DH to help him cope. either way. While DH might be totally cool with the whole thing, the fact that you are communication with someone of such significance from you past might cause some problems.
As an adoptee, I cannot tell you enough how important honesty and truthfullness is. Secrets and lies eat away at the soul and can taint the best of relationships. Again, I believe that you know the importance of honesty and perhaps you are just overwehlmed with having to come clean. From what you say, DH seems like her woulduinderstand and is a wonderful loving father and husband. Who knows he may even be able to help you talk to the ndad or at least be supportive.

Good Luck and God Bless,
Your on the right track

Maryann

[alinev]

Although you are clearly trying to do the "right thing" I think you are unwittingly going to do far more damage by not just coming out and telling your husband. Now your discussion with your DH is going to have to include the fact that your son already knows and that you have made contact with his bio dad without DH's knowledge. I am sure your DH is amazing but this is a tremendous amount of change and deception for anyone to swallow even in the name of sparing their feelings.