[ecs5298]

Hi,

I can't understand why, as time goes on, I can't stand the birth grandparents. I am not ready to have them around all the time. The birth mom and birth dad are just now coming to terms with open adoption and haven't even seen her (the birth father has only seen her picture). I feel like a victim everytime they visit. My husband and I made the dumb mistake of letting the birth family celebrate my daughters birthday before we did. We keep accomodating them. I don't want to go out of my way just yet. I have gone out of my way for other people in the past and I have found two common threads: they A don't appreciate it and B take advantage of you. As time goes on I have found that I resent my husband and feel like he'd rather be with these people sometimes then me because he seems so accomodating. I am not happy.

Thanks, K

[bajj]

I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now. I'm afraid I'm not real clear on what you are asking, or maybe you were just venting? Is there something we can try and help you with?

[Vogi2002]

Are they not respecting you as your child's family? Is there TOO MUCH contact than what you wanted?

I would talk to them...I know how hard that can be, but let them know what is wrong. Of course before you do that you really have to sit down and think about what exactly it is that is bothering you and what you would be more comfortable with. Please also remember to keep in mind any promises made before the placement.

First thing though...sit down, find someone to talk to or some time to think, and figure out exactly what it is that is stressing you out. Is it them? Is it you? Is it your insecurities as your chld's parents? Does having them around SO much make it hard to bond and truly feel like the mom and dad?

I know for me I needed some time to build up that "mom and dad" bond and security / confidence...so it may be as easy as backing off of the visits for a couple months or so...

Good luck!!

[sugarbabysmommy]

I can't understand why, as time goes on, I can't stand the birth grandparents. I am not ready to have them around all the time. The birth mom and birth dad are just now coming to terms with open adoption and haven't even seen her (the birth father has only seen her picture).

What does it mean to "have them around all the time?" What is "all the time?" Maybe this can give some of us a better idea of how things are working.

I feel like a victim everytime they visit.
Interesting, how do you feel like a victim? What happens for you that you feel this way? Do you feel this way with other people who you see? Does it have anything to do with visiting out of obligation and not choice?

My husband and I made the dumb mistake of letting the birth family celebrate my daughters birthday before we did. We keep accomodating them.
How do you accommodate them? I'm just trying to get a clearer sense of the details, because what might be too accommodating to me might be different for you. Why do you feel it was bad to celebrate first with bio family? Have they outright said they have certain expectations you can't fulfill for every birthday, or do you feel they have them?

I don't want to go out of my way just yet. I have gone out of my way for other people in the past and I have found two common threads: they A don't appreciate it and B take advantage of you.
I get the feeling you feel crowded and that you can feel crowded easily. Is that possible? I can feel crowded very easily by people, especially if I feel I have no say so in the relationship. Often times it's because I "think" I have no say so in the relationship, when really I have just as much input as the other party, I just choose to not exercise it and let myself be pulled along- and gripe later about it. I tend to react afterwards to being pulled along, instead of stating kindly and simply from the beginning what I can and can't do.

As time goes on I have found that I resent my husband and feel like he'd rather be with these people sometimes then me because he seems so accomodating. I am not happy.
Do you feel it's because of your husband that you visit as often as you do? Was he more interested in open adoption than you were?

Like a previous poster, I also wonder about your sense of being mom. Do you have any doubts about your role? If you do, do you worry those doubts transmit during visits? No judgement here, I've had my share of adoption guilt and fears of entitlement to my role.