[ess922]

Our son is 3 1/2. We have had an open adoption w/ bmom since the beginning. Pictures, phone calls, letters and some visits. We live many hundreds of miles apart so visits have not happened for quite a while now - mostly because of logistical issues. Not because we consciously decided to stop them.

Anyway, on ds's birthday this year, he asked to call bmom. We did reach her (miraculously as she normally has no phone) and he was really excited to tell her about his day. He talks about her and other b-family members often.

After many months with no word from bmom, we got an email saying she's wondering if she should end our contact for our son's best interest.

Gasp!

I don't know what to say or how to respond. I wanted our son to always be able to be in contact with her. But if she is going to be inconsistent and unreachable a lot of the time, is that going to hurt him worse?

I genuinely love bmom and reading her email broke my heart. Please... I'd love some thoughts on this. What to do???

Thanks.

[bajj]

I can't help but wonder if she's going through a hard time right now and just needs to pull back some. She might need a break.

I really don't know what to tell you to do. I hope someone has some advice for you.

You might try opening your heart to her and letting you know how you feel. She may be afraid she's just a burden and not realize how much you do enjoy contact with her.

I hope you are able to work this out!

[court5505]

Did she say why she thought it was in his best interest.

[bromanchik]

I would also find out why she feels it is in his best interest. She may feel it is confusing to him, or she may feel that she is not "worthy" of his admiration. There is a lot of shame associated with placing a child. It is rarely talked about but it really can be this black cloud that envelopes us and distorts the way we see ourselves.

[mumofone]

I encourage you to speak with her. She may be going through a difficult time emotionally and needs time to worth through everything.

My older son is 9 1/2, and we have had no contact with his mom and dad in close to 8 1/2 years. They wanted a semi-open adoption with letters and pics because they just found it too emotional. Although they made the decision to place their child for adoption (no coercion from anyone), they still had a difficult time.

Fast forward 8 1/2 years, and we just received word that they would like to regain contact with us. Now, how wonderful is that? I was crying tears of joy, and my/their son is so very excited.

I did up a long beautiful letter and 2 photo albums, and my son wrote a letter as well. We cannot wait to hear back from them.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to let you know that sometimes things are not always as they seem. She could very well be struggling and feels that closure for now might be easier for her emotionally.

Good luck.

[browneyes0707]

I would absolutely try to talk to her to see why she feels that it is not in the child's "best interest". A lot of it may very well be perception as she figures out/processes the adoption and her role in your childs life.

I went through a very similar situation as a b mom when my DD was a little younger than your son. It's such a very confusing time especially when the child starts to become a "person" (talking on the phone with her was what triggered it for me) with a mind and a voice as opposed to the newborn you last saw before relinquishment.

She may need reassurance of her place in your lives and the benefits to being a part of it. I did not have that as I did not speak up about my fears when I pulled back and the adoption closed. I realize now that it had been the wrong thing to do.

PM me if you want any advice. I'd be happy to share my experience with you. I hope that it all works out

[crick]

I don't have experience with an open adoption, so take this with a grain of salt if you wish.

I think she's looking for reassurance from you that you want this to stay open, because she likely knows she isn't keeping in touch as much as she might like to or "should". I'd respond to her email saying you don't think you should end contact and encourage her to remain in your lives.

As far as it being "worse"...just my personal opinion, based on my experience with my children (closed), I think it's worse to not ever know if she's alive or not. To wonder for years and years if she loves him or not, and to have your child hold the weight of the world on his shoulders wondering "what did I do that made her leave?" "what's wrong with me?"

So while the alternative of sporadic contact isn't all that good either and wondering "when will I hear from her again?" can bring on it's own pain and "issues"...just my personal opinion that it's still better than nothing at all and never having the true answers to give your child if there is a complete drop off in contact.

[ess922]

Thanks for your thoughts!!!

I would love to speak with bmom but I have no way to reach her by phone (she has no phone right now). She had checked email at a friend's house and said she had no idea when she'd get to check again. I will send her a snail mail letter. Thats all I can do in the way of reaching out to her.

She said in her email that she thinks its unfair to her son that she is in contact so inconsistently. That she thinks maybe being in and out of his life is worse than just being out of it.

I agree with what you said, crick, that worrying what happened to her would be awful for our son! I just also worry about how to help him understand a relationship that is so sporadic and lacking in any kind of consistency.

If he told me today he wanted to call bmom, I wouldn't know what to do since she's not reachable by phone right now. I guess, I'd just have him "write" her a letter (draw a picture -- he's only 3.5) and involve him in the process of mailing it.

When we talked last in Feb, she asked to start planning a visit. I started the research but then was unable to reach her to talk through the details of the visit. How can we plan a trip (she had asked to come to us) if we cannot even speak with her?! She'd sent one brief text message by phone saying she was ok, by borrowing a friend's phone in April and then one email in May. Then the email just this past week.

I'm just including all this detail to give the picture of how the contact from her just appears all of a sudden and then disappears just as quickly.

We have always told her we want her in her son's life! We always tell her how much we all care about her and how much she is coming to mean to her son as his understanding of the situation grows (slowly)...

Recently some kids in the park were talking about a mom who is pregnant and our son shocked us by telling the kids his version of his story (he was in bmom's tummy, came to live with us., he even told the kids he has a sister who lives with bmom! -- all accurate info. he's really starting to get it now)! I think this is such an important time for her to be involved in his life! (not that there's a time thats NOT important... just that all the more so as he is starting to put the pieces of his story together).

I think there is a lot of shame on her part. And though we always tell her that all he needs from her is to know she loves him, she always feels like she cannot live up the to the ideals she wants to for him... she has not changed her life for the better since she placed him with us and she constantly brings this up feeling as though she should have been able to by now! Thats not coming from us. Thats pressure she puts on herself! She has said she needs to make him proud of her. So sad!!

Sigh.

Sorry to ramble on and on. Thanks again!

[2manyks]

my sil and brother had an open adoption and have 3 albums full of photos of their son. but after they had a daughter 4 years later, it was too hard, emotionally, to keep getting those pictures. so they asked to not have any more pics sent. just an idea of why she might not want contact right now.

i would tell her to do what she wishes, but you will always be open to having her call or send letters when she would like. just be understanding of her, you have no idea what she is going through and have no way of talking with her.