[powderpiggy]

As I continue to pursue adoption and research adoption, I have been amazed, confused, and discouraged by the number of very anti-adoption blogs and websites on the internet. Its also very hard to find blogs by birthmoms/firstmoms who are happy with their decision. I am really not sure how to interpret this, but reading them makes me feel bad for wanting to adopt a child.

Is this just a few really vocal people or is there really a big problem with domestic adoption these days?

[Leigh131313]

I don't know - it's tough to say. However, In my experience I find when people are upset, they are the most vocal. I know there are some that are very upset about their situations, however I also know that some are very content. I just think we tend to hear more from the squeaky wheel - kwim?

I have found it best to just stay away from those types of places. I can respect that there are hard feelings involved with adoption, but an outright anti-adoption stand does me no good.

[nikkianni]

When I was doing all my research I ran into the same thing. I agree with Leigh. Regardless of the issue, those who have had bad experiences or are not satisfied for whatever reason are the most vocal.
Plus, I knew that there were people out there who were satisfied with their decision and at peace with it. I have met them.
Don't feel guilty for wanting to adopt. As long as what you do is honest, there's no reason to feel guilt.

[fauxgina]

Powderpiggy,

It must be daunting for you to find so much anti-adoption material. I agree with Leigh, though, that the people who are speaking out against adoption are in the minority, and are much more likely to be vocal than those happy with their decision because they are hurting.

It is important to acknowledge that adoption is--initially--based on loss; the birth mother loses her child, the child loses his or her mother. Perhaps you have suffered infertility, and that too is a kind of loss. It is unnatural for a child to be separated from the mother--but that does not mean that adoption can't or shouldn't work, or that the issues arising from that separation are impossible to resolve. An adoptive mother may never replace a child's biological mother in the child's eyes, but the two can form a deep, lasting bond that will last for the rest of their lives. My adoptive mother may not mirror me, but she is the one who raised me, and no one else can take that away. My point is, there are very few issues in adoption that are too great to overcome; those types of issues have to do with abuse, neglect, and cruelty--all of which play a part in only a minority of adoptions.

If you can do some research and learn what to expect, and learn how to help your child(ren) (and yourself) through the rough patches, I believe it is entirely possible to work through some of these issues as your adoptive child goes through them. By no means should you feel guilty for wanting to adopt; the birth mothers speaking out so vehemently against adoption are the ones who feel guilty, and are trying to project their feelings onto others so they don't have to deal with their decisions. In a way, their relinquishing their children cut off a vital part of themselves, and that hurts; but it does not help them deal with their pain to make others feel guilty for wanting to share their homes with children who are not biologically related to them.

Adoption is certainly a complex matter because human emotions and psyches are involved, but at the end of the day, the majority of birthparents make a decision in the best interests of their children at the time, and the majority of adoptive parents give those children a loving home and the support and nurturing they need. There is nothing to feel guilty or bad about. If you want to adopt, do some research, learn about what to expect, and adopt!

Best of luck to you,
Gina

[AwaitingBeloved]

powderpiggy, I do think it's really a handful of people. I used to think it was this widespread epidemic, but after going to numerous adoption sites, I've realized it really is just a handful of people who are very angry, mostly rightfully so as they've had some of the worst case scenarios, and that the majority of domestic adoptions are positive for everyone, bparents, aparents, and the child involved.

Hang in there.

I had a very hard time when DD was born because some of the stuff I was "learning" about domestic adoptions. I wasn't really learning it, I was being force fed to think all things domestic adoption are evil, etc. And it came from the same handful of people that are still very active in the anti adoption world.

But a year and a half into my parenthood and I feel that I've done a complete 180.. and that much of what I needed to know about adoption, I already knew. There ARE some things that I have learned and value having learned from forums, and that's what keeps me coming back.

[enerad]

I agree with the other, I think you will find many of these birthmom perhaps were forced in placing their children at young ages in the days that was done. Today... when you are in an open adoption, and the birthmom makes her own choices it's a different picture.

What the anti-adoption or the negative comments did for me while we were in the process is to understand and be compassionate. As we were involved in a situation, I ALWAYS reminded myself that the baby belonged first to his/her birthmom and until reliquishment did I have rights. So many times while we were in the process I heard prospective adoptive parents make comments that can make situations difficult. This is where I think birthmom have right to be angry. The worst we heard, a man asked the pediatrician at the adoptive babycare class how he could MAKE the birthmom breastfeed the baby before they took the baby home. I think every women in the room wanted to slap him.

If we treat our children's birthmoms with respect and compassion, follow through with our promises, and not be judgemental on their situations we create a better adoption world. Despite our daughters' birthmom isn't involved, and she requested we send picture and keep in touch with her sister. I write HER letters, address things to her, call her sister with updates, send her sister baby clothes for her new child, and work toward creating a relationship. Hopefully, in time we can build a relationship.

Hang in there, the process of adoption is a long difficult journey full of emotion. The end results are wonderful.

[crick]

I think it's really important to differientate between anti and "not happy" when looking at this varied topic.

Meaning, I believe there are those who are anti adoption for various reasons, not necessarily all bmoms (adoptees and even just people in general not personally connected to adoption) and then there are people who may not be "happy" with the adoption but are not against adoption as a whole. kwim?

I think too, "happy" is the wrong word to associate with it all. If I placed my child for adoption and was even "content" with that decision...knew it was the right decision...I'd still have a loss. I'd still be sad, angry or whatever emotions that would come up, but I don't know that happy would be one of them. I think one can be happy to have found the right family or happy to have made the right decision...but happy overall at the loss of their child? I don't think so. (obviously I'm not a bparent, but just looking at it from the pov that it's a loss, that's my take) So for me, with this mind set, I think I look at it differently. I can read blogs or even talk to bmoms in person who are angry about some things without personalizing it to adoption in general. At least I try to! lol! I don't think being angry or even bitter about decisions to place, circumstances around it, the loss etc. makes an anti adoption stance.

The anti folks though...the truly anti ones who think that adoption in general is the greatest evil in the world...those I don't necessarily pay attention to. Depends on how they voice their opinions and the circumstances behind it all. I will say though that I have learned some things from people who are anti adoption. Doesn't mean I think they are right in their views, but some have made me think about things too. Specifically in adoption reform and education.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by crick

I think it's really important to differientate between anti and "not happy" when looking at this varied topic.

Meaning, I believe there are those who are anti adoption for various reasons, not necessarily all bmoms (adoptees and even just people in general not personally connected to adoption) and then there are people who may not be "happy" with the adoption but are not against adoption as a whole. kwim?

I think too, "happy" is the wrong word to associate with it all. If I placed my child for adoption and was even "content" with that decision...knew it was the right decision...I'd still have a loss. I'd still be sad, angry or whatever emotions that would come up, but I don't know that happy would be one of them. I think one can be happy to have found the right family or happy to have made the right decision...but happy overall at the loss of their child? I don't think so. (obviously I'm not a bparent, but just looking at it from the pov that it's a loss, that's my take) So for me, with this mind set, I think I look at it differently. I can read blogs or even talk to bmoms in person who are angry about some things without personalizing it to adoption in general. At least I try to! lol! I don't think being angry or even bitter about decisions to place, circumstances around it, the loss etc. makes an anti adoption stance.

The anti folks though...the truly anti ones who think that adoption in general is the greatest evil in the world...those I don't necessarily pay attention to. Depends on how they voice their opinions and the circumstances behind it all. I will say though that I have learned some things from people who are anti adoption. Doesn't mean I think they are right in their views, but some have made me think about things too. Specifically in adoption reform and education.

I was coming back after seeing this post late last night to write my thoughts. Crick did it so well (thanks Crick, for reading my mind... now maybe I can get my kitchen floor mopped after all, since I don't have to spend time answering this!) that I just second what she said.

I have been at times, quite offended by the approach or comments of some of those who are against adoption. I do believe that there should be respect in how we speak to each other or we won't get anything done. And I do believe that we have to be careful to watch the over generalized statements, the ALL or NONE statements made on all sides.

But in the end, in the reading I've done, I really worked to examine my attitude about and part in our adoptions and whether or not something could have been handled better, etc. It is important that we don't just shut others down and don't listen to their experiences or viewpoints just because the disagree with how we see things. Is there something of value they might offer, even if it is between the lines? Don't take it personally unless it is something that in your heart, you need to personally examine.

There are many things about adoption that could be done better in places ... including changes to increase the amount of time in some places given to eparents to make their decision after birth, more independent counseling for eparents considering, to name a couple.

[BrandyHagz]

Thank you Crick and Tammy.

It is possible to be at peace with your decision - but still be angry. Often, I find, those who are angry (and vocalize as much) are considered 'anti-adoption' and that just isn't the case.

I would encourage you to read and 'learn' what can be done differently.

It's similar to all of the blogs where adoptive parents share bad experiences - it's just an effort to educate/teach others where things went wrong and advise them what they can do to avoid the same issues.

[lahdh4]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Thank you Crick and Tammy.

It is possible to be at peace with your decision - but still be angry. Often, I find, those who are angry (and vocalize as much) are considered 'anti-adoption' and that just isn't the case.

I would encourage you to read and 'learn' what can be done differently.

It's similar to all of the blogs where adoptive parents share bad experiences - it's just an effort to educate/teach others where things went wrong and advise them what they can do to avoid the same issues.

Thank you Brandy.
Like everything else in life I have good and bad days. My blog reflects that.
Yes there are some out there that are "anti" and "angry" and then there are the rest of us who tell the good with the bad.

[SchmennaLeigh]

You can learn a lot from people who have been hurt by the adoption system.

And yes, there's a big problem with the way that some agencies are treating some expectant parents and birth parents AND adoptive parents. Our family, both sides of the adult triad, is a witness to that fact. We ARE vocal about it and won't stop vocalizing that hurt and pain. We are using our anger to promote awareness and change instead of sitting silently and stewing. That doesn't foster change. We WANT to see a change. We WILL see a change.

[Lilly's Mommy]

As an amom, I know what you're saying. I've learned a great deal from several birth parents, and am thankful for the different viewpoints which served to make me more sensitive to many adoption issues. However, there came a time when I had to stop reading certain things because it was no longer informative or helpful. Just negative.

P.S. Our daughter's birthmom is very content with her decision to place, and can't relate with a lot of the anger that's out there from other birthparents. She had excellent support though (to parent or to place), and I believe that's the point of many who voice thier anger... to help make sure that other adoptions are done more ethically than theirs were.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Lilly's Mommy

to help make sure that other adoptions are done more ethically than theirs were.

Ding, ding.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by powderpiggy

As I continue to pursue adoption and research adoption, I have been amazed, confused, and discouraged by the number of very anti-adoption blogs and websites on the internet. Its also very hard to find blogs by birthmoms/firstmoms who are happy with their decision. I am really not sure how to interpret this, but reading them makes me feel bad for wanting to adopt a child.

Is this just a few really vocal people or is there really a big problem with domestic adoption these days?

I joined a web site about 10 years ago, for about 1 month.
I thought it was just a place where I could talk to others, and post my poems. The poems were my feelings at the time. I wasn't anti adoption, just anti my son's adoption.

So it took me about a month to realize this site was anti adoption. Then I lelft it.

The point is that birth mothers can on any given day feel adoption is bad, as it relates to their own lives.

But adoption is old as humans kind it self. There has always been a child in need of a cave or shack, or abode of some kind. A child without parents, abandoned, taken away from bad parents or taken from someone too young.

Anti adoption doesn't really make sense. Adoption isn't going away. We need to make it safe and honest.

[wlbooklady]

Well, I've been visiting some of those anti-adoption websites, and feeling badly about my choice to adopt, when it occurred to me that I should see what others have said on this forum, which has been very helpful to me over the years. I have to admit, I didn't really think about the ethics of adoption before I adopted -- I just took it as a good thing to do, in my mind, better than spending a lot of money on in-vitro that might or might not produce results. So my thinking has come a bit late.
Bravo to those of you thinking before making the choice!

What got me started today was wondering whatever happened to Allison Quets in Florida, who gave birth to twins, relinquished them, changed her mind within hours of signing the papers, could not get them back because Florida has some ridiculous law which gives birthparents something like 2 days to change their minds, fought the adoption and had visitation, and kidnapped the children to Canada. I had a lot of sympathy for her; I think it's ludicrous that some states only give a few hours or days for birthparents to change their minds. But when I checked out her website, she was, understandably, very anti-adoption and had links to a number of anti-adoption websites.

It's easier, for me, to write off the extremists, but I read a paper by a social worker in Australia, where they have practically outlawed adoption, that was far more disturbing. Many adoption practices which we think of as good practice, like meeting between potential parents before the birth, she thought of as horrifying because they would manipulate potential birthparents. There are no private agencies in Australia, but also very few domestic adoptions. Anyway, it got me thinking. I do believe we need reform, but how do you do that when each state sets their own standards?