[BrandyHagz]

For adoptive parents or adopting parents who went through extensive ART, do you ever worry about how your child will feel when/if the topic of your ART comes up later in life?

As an adopted person, I never felt odd knowing my parents ‘tried for years’…but I wonder if parents instinctively worry about this – or if its something that just never crossed your minds.

Again, I asked that everyone participate in a respectful manner – this isn’t a debate about ‘right or wrong’ – its simply a discussion on the thoughts and feelings someone has regarding their experience.

[court5505]

It has never crossed my mind and I really don't worry about it, especially since there was a lot that we could still try but chose not to. Even if we had exhausted all efforts, I really don't think I would be too worried about it. Hopefully the conversation won't come up until she's old enough to understand that our fertility treatments have NO impact on how much we love her.

[BrandyHagz]

Thanks for sharing Court, I'd love to hear from others

[enerad]

I always think of adoption as our first choice. When we discovered our infertility issues, we dabbled a bit to get pregnant, then chose to be childless for several years. When we then decided we truely wanted a family, we knew our choices, and chose adoption.

[mom2GRLC]

This is sort of a current topic for me as we started off with both fostering/adopting and infertility stuff at the same time. Then took a break from the fertility stuff while we adopted our 3 kids (still waitng on the 4th) and now we are back to fertility treatments again.

My concerns at the present are...

Right now my kids are excited at the thought of us trying to conceive. But what happens later if we never conceive. That will be a HUGE loss for me that I will have to come to terms with. Will they ever understand WHY it's so importnat to me to concieve? Will they think they are not good enough, or not enough to make me happy? That's a hard thing to explain to a child.

[mommy3]

This is a great question. My children each know that I tried to conceive seemingly forever, but our babies always died, except for my oldest, who was my only perfect pregnancy. They know that my oldest dd grew in mommy's tummy (or are learning that, in the case of our youngest dd) and that our younger two children grew in their birthmothers'. We are very open how babies came to us, and how we waited a long time for each child. They know we loved them long before we knew them and that we love their birthparents.

Yes, they know we tried for a long time, such an important issue. They also know, more importantly, that we decided that it was time to wait for adoption and ONLY because we did, our ds and youngest dd are part of our family. Still, the time we waited for bio children will always be part of my children's stories. For us, the big issue is telling them (age appropriately) how lucky we all feel that we waited and prayed for them. susan

[Poleczech]

I worry about it sometimes. Since DS was born though, I realized that HOW I became a mother was so much less important than the fact that I AM a mother -- I cannot imagine loving him any differently then had he grown inside me. We plan on telling him when he is old enough (he is only 11 months old), because it is part of the history of how he came into our lives, but if it weren't for our infertility, he may not have come into our lives and I cannot imagine life without him -- we are so blessed and lucky to be his parents and we love him more than words could ever say.

[loveajax]

It's funny because I really would like to have a second child and have considered ART treatments again (I went thru them for a long time), because we are broke. I don't worry so much about DD knowing about our IF, or our "herculean" efforts to conceive BEFORE she was born. But I have decided not to pursue ART treatments (at least I am 99 percent sure) b/c I would never want to have to explain to her why we chose to go back to that route instead of adopting again (I don't want her to think we are dissatisfied with adopting/with her, etc.).

Of course, this is probably an "excuse" because I really don't want to put my body thru that horrible stuff again!

Good question, Brandi. I think wanting to conceive/be pg, etc. is just such a "natural" desire that I hope I can explain that stuff to DD in a way that makes sense, without her feeling like we "settled." (I can't imagine NOT having her, and exactly her, as my DD now, but it's hard to "know" that until you adopt).

[ourdreamcametru]

I guess I might be adding a twist to this question here but we never had fertility problems. Since we had two bio children first my worry is that they feel somehow not good enough. Since they are older, 10 and 14 when Castle was born and they are boys and we adopted a girl, I am hoping this is not the case. They have never acted like this bothers them but I sometimes wonder if they think maybe they were not good enough being boys or something.

[ajjhmf]

Yes, I've worried about it. But then I'm a worrier...lol.

Adoption was something we always knew we wanted, but we decided to go the 'easy' way first. When it didn't happen, my doctor tried me on a 6 month course of clomid before referring me to a fertility specialist. We opted to stop there and proceed with our adoption plans.

My biggest fear is that J will not feel like one of us becuase after his adoption, we did end up having 2 surprise pregnancies which gave us H and M. I probably over compensate because of that as well.

[HBV]

No, not really. We tried, we went as far as we were comfortable with the treatments, learned we weren't even good candidates for IVF, and decided that adoption was the right way to build our family. Yes, I was disappointed at first, but being parents was more important to us than being pregnant.

We couldn't have biological children and we can't do anything to change that. Neither of us feel a lot of anxiety about it, and I hope that H follows our example there.

[gottahavehope]

I don't really worry about it. We tried for three years and in that time lost three babies. We were told we would never have a biological child without serious help and medical intervention. We decided to adopt at that point rather than go through the medical processes available. Those losses were so hard back then but now I see them as a blessing because they led me to my son. I believe he was always meant to be my son. I believe our souls have always been connected throughout time. And, that God always had this plan for our family. Now, I am 3 weeks away from giving birth to my son's sister (without any medical intervention.) It was a complete shock for all of us, but it confirms what I believe in my heart....

I was meant to adopt my darling boy first and that all those miscarriages were a test of my strength and believe. Adoption and my son were the miracle God granted me for not giving up hope on being a Mother.

I hope to share that with my son and daughter one day.

Great Question.
Love and peace,
K

[bajj]

We discussed adoption before we got married, so we knew we would adopt someday. I don't worry about how my infertility will affect my kids. I know I wouldn't have them had I been able to conceive, and I can't imagine life without my beautiful boys.

[HOPEFULINPA]

I'm going to go the "we tried and it didn't work BECAUSE we were meant to have you" route.

that's how I feel. I just desparatley wanted to be a mom. I didn't care how that happened.

I tell him every night I waited for him for a long long time and I'm so happy he's mine.

[dlhall]

About a month ago, my dd (age 5.5) asked me if I had wanted a baby in my tummy, if I was sad that a baby didn't come from my tummy, and why couldn't I have a baby from my tummy. I really struggled with how to answer those questions. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I know I said something along the lines as God had a plan that didn't include me having a baby in my tummy since He knew our children were waiting for us in Russia. She seemed satisfied with the answer, but I was a wreck for about a week. I didn't tell her the despair I went through and the tears I shed when I couldn't get pregnant and I never will tell her that; I tried to focus on how happy I am to be her and her brother's mom and how I couldn't love them any more than I do, but in the back of my mind I always worry if my love is enough.

Liz