[loveajax]

So I was on a work retreat this weekend. Not one, but two (highly educated and actually very nice) people asked me (in front of DD who is almost 2 years old): "When did you GET her?" I then launched into, "she was adopted at birth, etc. etc."

I really wanted to ask them to use "better language." My other "point" is why would you ask this at all? If I said, at birth or at 1 year old, what difference would it make? Will people still talk like this when she is old enough to understand? It makes me shudder.

OY VEY!

[bajj]

I am asked this ALL THE TIME! Or, if someone knows the boys are adopted but doesn't know that it's from birth, they will sometimes not tell if they've acted up. it frustrates me so much. I'll find out when they tell on themselves and I'll call and ask (one time was 2 years ago at Mother's Day Out, my then 3 yr old wasn't behaving) why I wasn't told and the answer is, "Well, I know he's adopted and I wasn't sure if he was adjusting to his new family."

[loveajax]

OMG, Bajj!!! What do you do?

[bajj]

Well, that time I mentioned I honestly felt like I was a horrible mother so I just left! Later, after talking about it with dh and then another friend from church, I decided I needed to talk to his teacher. I let her know that first, I have had him since birth and second, even if I hadn't, i need to know if he's misbehaving because he is, after all, a normal 3 year old and he will try adults around him.

I noticed a huge improvement in him after that. I think they were expecting him to misbehave. And well...let's just say that particular teacher doesn't teach teach there anymore!

If it were to happen now, I think I would say, "It doesn't matter how long he's been my son, the point is, he is my son and I have every right to know how he's behaving."

If someone is just innocently asking me how long, then if he's not around I say birth, if he is, I ask him if he wants me to answer or not (he's 5 now). It does get tiring though. That and the, "where did they come from?" I guess since dh and I are white and our kids aren't people assume they are from another country.

[Linny]

You know...this is something that's never bothered me a bit. Our family is known in the surrounding area as one that's adopted many times; and many have known our horror stories in older child adoption. I'm not sure that's the reason they've asked; but people think it's so nice to be able to adopt an infant....and I can understand that. (No offense to anyone who's doing the older child route; but adopting an infant....for someone who's never given birth, is pretty exciting as far as I'm concerned.)

Sooo, it's not uncommon for us to say, 'So and so came to us at X amount of days, so and so came to us at X amount of months, etc.' The kids know this is part of their story and to be proud of it. But then again, all of our adoptions are transracial, so it's pretty obvious they aren't biologically ours.

Sincerely,

Linny

[mommmmy]

Yah this one doesn't get to me so much (that may change depending on the moment)

When did you get her and how long have you had her don't really get to me so much. Usually the question is how old is she, just as it would be with any of my biological children.

I don't know if it helps or not but I really don't have people asking when bio kids were born...they ask how old they are.

For us the adoption is transracial and we know we are a conspicuous family and there are things that come along with that. With most things...it's more about how something is asked though. And then how I answer depends on how I'm feeling at the moment.

I've found that it's often times people wondering about adoption and not knowing the right things to say.

But hey look in the "adoption world" there are still plenty of people saying the wrong things!

And maybe I have a little different perspective because as an adoptee I grew up with all sorts of bizarre questions. Truly it was usually more that people were not knowing how to ask rather than they were being rude.

[mom2sam]

When people find out our our ds is adopted, they usually ask, "Where is he from?" (and we are NOT a transracial family)....to which I reply, "Nebraska!". I think they expect it to be a foreign country...I like to watch the look on their face when I give my answer.

[2manyks]

i think people just ask the question for something to say. just conversation. it only bothers me with my kids as they get old enough to understand. since i have so many children people cant believe i could *get* to adopt an infant. not special needs or anything else, just an infant. they assume he must be foreign. when they ask where he came from i say *heaven*.

[kimmom]

I have heard a lot of people where we live say that someone got a baby just to mean that their baby has now joined their family and usually through birth. Example conversations:

"Joe and Sue got their baby."
"What did they get?"
"They got a girl."
"When did they get her."
"They got her early yesterday morning."
or
"When did you get her?"
"Lulu is four now."
"I didn't know you had more than one child."

For some people it means the date that your addition came to you. Your co-workers could have been asking what the date was that you first got to take her home was since the day she was born may or may not have been the same. You know like asking a woman when she gave birth to her bios, trying to share what they thought that your big day probably was. They should have put more thought into what they were saying though.

[loveajax]

I guess the problem is my coworkers aren't paying enough attention!! I work in a small office, so I would hope they would remember the most momentous time in my life..haha!

I usually am not "offended" by adoption questions (we are also a transracial family) and I know they weren't ill intentioned. It's just "get" is such a crummy word!! Thanks for all the responses.

[joskids]

I agree with Linny. It really doesn't bother me that people ask questions about our adoptions. Our children all know their adoption stories and are proud of our family, just the way we are. My husband and I aren't the youngest parents at open house and, although he "matches" in skin tone to our children, I don't. I use the questions (when asked appropriately, even if totally proper adoption language is not used) to educate people on adoption and have had many people say to me "you know, I thought about adoption (or foster care) at one time." I encourage them by telling them that so many children need the commitment of a forever family. If I've even pushed just one family to call about adoption or foster care, it will have been worth the time it took to answer those questions.

[blessedbybug]

I can imagine it is frustrating when people who hope would be paying attention don't know these kind of things. It's a big deal to you of course! I guess I've learned that no one except us really think about these things, as in how something sounds when a question is asked. To me, it would be a matter of understanding that they might be trying to start a conversation to get to know me and my family better, or trying to remember the details of that important time in your life. I'm not sure that I would be that offended at their interest but I would take an opportunity to use good language in response to them.

[Inkscrblr]

Oh yes, they will continue to ask the questions in front of them at all ages. I've heard some stunningly insensitive comments in front of my kids. Most common is: Are they sisters?

I want to yell at people who ask this: Of course they are sisters! But instead I gently use it as an opportunity to teach them the proper language: "Do you mean are they biological sisters?" They are sisters. They are not biologically related."

Even relatives use the wrong terms sometimes, eh? Don't you hate that! And even insensitive comments on their differences (not intended to be insensitive.) Wow, you have one child with green eyes and one with beautiful brown almost black eyes. Yes, this is true, but how does it make them feel to hear how different they are all the time?

Inkscrblr
(I like to use: why do you ask? if I am sensing someone being rude and nosy.)

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Inkscrblr

Oh yes, they will continue to ask the questions in front of them at all ages. I've heard some stunningly insensitive comments in front of my kids. Most common is: Are they sisters?

I want to yell at people who ask this: Of course they are sisters! But instead I gently use it as an opportunity to teach them the proper language: "Do you mean are they biological sisters?" They are sisters. They are not biologically related."

Even relatives use the wrong terms sometimes, eh? Don't you hate that! And even insensitive comments on their differences (not intended to be insensitive.) Wow, you have one child with green eyes and one with beautiful brown almost black eyes. Yes, this is true, but how does it make them feel to hear how different they are all the time?

Inkscrblr
(I like to use: why do you ask? if I am sensing someone being rude and nosy.)

I get asked if my boys are brothers, or if they have the same parents all the time! I usually say, " yes, they have the same parents and yes, they are brothers. There is no biological connection, but yes, they most definitely are brothers."

I know it's just people not knowing how to ask...I also wonder, why do people ask? It usually doesn't bother me, but I can't imagine people getting that personal with bio kids...or maybe they do?

[mommmmy]

I think people ask invasive (and often stupid!) questions whether children are bio or not.

Think about people touching pregnant women or telling them horror stories about pregnancy and birth. Then it becomes things about children sleeping, eating, potty training, whatever.

I think some of it is also if you allow it. A friend of mine seems to get every rude comment or ridiculous question that comes along. I really don't. And in so many ways I would think I would get it more - we are just so much more visible.

I remember sitting in a gymnastics class when one of the moms said to another OMG I didn't realize your boys were so different in height (2 young teen boys with their mom picking up their younger sibs) isn't the shorter one OLDER?! The mom was just mortified and turned around and said yes you're right and that's something that he's not overly thrilled about! (the older boy actually had a chronic illness and some of that and the meds he was taking caused him to stop growing)

I think for some reason there are just all sorts of insensitive people out there who are very inquisitive.