[poohbear1208]

We have an issue with our birth mom that we are unsure what to do about. Birth mom wants to continue getting together 3-4 times a month, which we have been doing for the last 3 months. However, our contact agreement only states a minumum of once a month, and we want to back off to once a month visits. We adore birth mom, but it is getting to be too much seeing her this often. I am not getting to see my family or friends as much as I would like because all of our spare time seems to be scheduled with birth mom. She just signed the paperwork for our son 3 weeks ago, so I don't want to come across as "gee, we only saw you this much to get you past the paperwork signing", because that really isn't the case. It's just that there aren't enough days in the month to continue seeing her this much without neglecting our other family, and I also think there needs to be some sort of separation here. She still seems so attached to our son, refers to herself as mommy Corey, and when we get together she wants to do a whole day event from morning until night. It is just getting to be too much, but at the same time we care for birth mom a great deal and don't want to hurt her. Any suggestions?

[lonni]

It sounds like she needs YOU and your family!!!Some Moms do need to feel the love of a family and it is hard to scale back.Maybe pick 2 dates in advance next month.Place them early in the month and late in the month, giving her a stretch of time in between to learn to begin her life post placement.See how she does. Eventually, maybe one of the 2 visits can be a "working" visit where YOU get things done (errands,housework ect..) while she helps.She can watch the baby or whatever.Because that is more realistic than the "on vacation fun fun fun" type visits.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by poohbear1208

She still seems so attached to our son, refers to herself as mommy Corey, and when we get together she wants to do a whole day event from morning until night. It is just getting to be too much, but at the same time we care for birth mom a great deal and don't want to hurt her. Any suggestions?

How about still having the same number of visits, but make them shorter. An all day visit is tiring with anyone.

[ourdreamcametru]

We don't have a written agreement but we see Castle's birthmother and her family once a year for Castle's birthday. This is an all day, usually from 12:30 PM until 6:00 PM or so event. Other than this we might meet for lunch in a restaurant or drop in for Bmom's surprise bday party. I think three times a month would be too much for anyone. You and your baby need time to bond and your friends and family need time to get to know your little one. For now I wouldn't say anything , I would just try the one long visit and then maybe meet for lunch one other time outside of your home so there is not so much contact to be made. I would then try to meet out somewhere a couple of times the next month and not have the long visit and then take it from there.

[timni]

we went through this same thing. It was tough to keep up. I got out my calendar and jsut started counting days. I spaced out the visits gradually until we got to once a month. When the spacing became noticable to DD bmom she asked why the visits were getting farther apart and at that time I was able to explain to her that as much as we love her and want her around, every week was too much for me and that I needed things to regulate to once a month. I also let her know that I knew she was hurting so I wanted to do it slowly and methodically. We actually had a few set backs where we had to add afew visits in, but by a year we were down to once a month. It was hard but worth it to tke care of dd bmom heart in the situation.

[gottahavehope]

I believe the best thing to do is be gentle but honest. I don't think a relationship can work without that. It sounds like you are close. Maybe you can sit down face to face at the next visit and talk this all over. Reassure her that you care but be honest about your families needs. Before your son was born, did you ever discuss what she would be called? I would do that as well. If you are uncomfortable with her calling herself Mommy-she needs to know that. If you keep it inside, it will only breed resentment down the road.
Good Luck and let us know how it goes.
Peace,
K

[loveajax]

Poohbear,

If you agreed to once a month/visits and that's what you feel comfortable with, I think you should talk to your son's birth mom about that. I am sure it will not be an "easy" conversation...I set some boundaries when my DD was about three months old, and I felt terrible about it, but I am glad that I did. It is only fair to be honest about what you can handle, and obviously you both agreed to a visit per month.

Re: the "mommy" thing, I think I would be uncomfortable with that myself. Did you ever discuss this with your son's birth mom? If not, maybe you can gently have a conversation about that too. It's too bad that there are not "how to" books for all this stuff...it is very complicated! Good luck, Karen

[HBV]

We've had exactly this same problem, though it's been more from the extended family. I did pretty much what timni is suggesting above, just gradually started spacing them further apart. I do try to e-mail photos or a quick message in between visits, maybe an update from the pediatrician's checkup, something funny that H did, etc.

I also have started making the visits more like dinner out or meeting in the park when we have plans later so that there's a finite end and they are shorter in duration. I found when we let the family come to our home they would kind of hang around all afternoon. For instance, I will offer a visit: Would it be convenient to have a visit next Saturday morning? We will come out to you and meet at X for coffee and a bagel, then we'll need to come home so we can get ready for (our dinner guests, a baby shower, etc.)

It's better now---we're at about 1 visit every 4-6 weeks, which is still a little more than I'd like, but it's doable. 3-4 visits a month is not, and you should not feel guilty about scaling that back, especially if it's not what you agreed to.

[court5505]

I was just about to respond to this but then I read HBV's response above and decided not to type it all over again. This is EXACTLY what our SW suggested we do when we talked to her about long, frequent visits. You have to be able to balance your life in all areas and you can't do that if you are visiting anyone, bfamily or otherwise, 3-4 times a month!

[ABWY]

We also have an open adoption and my advice is to just be honest and upfront. In an open adoption "honesty" is best because if you let things go they will tend to get out of control and then you may have some resentment because you didn't say something earlier. If you are gentle and explain things to her - I'm sure she will understand.

[mommmmy]

I would agree that you really need to talk with her and just be honest about it.

It's really ok if you want to stick to the agreement. It's also ok for you to want/need your family time together to deal with the adjustments you all are going through.

We had to have a rather tough discussion with our daughter's birthmom early on. Basically we told her that we didn't realize how things would be for us and all the adjustments that would go on. In our case we really were so focused on her and what her needs were and what her emotional/mental state might be, that we didn't think that we would have our own needs too. I feel rather stupid in saying that...but it was true. Also something about how prior we had agreed upon a certain amount of contact and that we just really felt more comfortable with sticking to that as quite frankly we were feeling rather overwhelmed with it all.

It was a tough conversation, but I think it was a good thing to do. I think she ended up respecting our being honest with her too.

I also would definitely make the meetings more specific, at a location and for a specified amount of time.

I can't imagine even trying to fit 3-4 short visits into the month, let alone long ones!

[Leigh131313]

I think the amount of time she is seeking is probably unrealistic for most families. I doubt I could do once a month - so kudos to you!

Just be clear and honest. It's not that you don't love her or want her around....it's just hard to find that sort of time for ANYONE.

Next time you set a date - tell her you need it to be between X and Y time. All day is not always doable, and she does need to be considerate of your needs as well.

[poohbear1208]

Thanks everyone. All of your suggestions will be a huge help. Birth mom was over yesterday all day again for the 2nd time this month, and brought up a wierd request. She asked if she could take Aiden down south this summer to meet her grandpa. We are okay with us taking Aiden down there or her bringing grandpa to us, just not her taking Aiden down there alone. I was just so taken aback by her question I didn't know what to say- I told her I would talk to my husband. I think it is time to have a big heart to heart with her and explain our feelings and needs. We do love her a lot, so I think honesty is the best policy.

[loveajax]

PB, it sounds to me like your son's birth mom probably did not get "great" counseling before his birth. This happened with DD's birth mother too (I said I didn't care that they treated us like poo, but it infuriated me how LITTLE they did for her).

I hope you can address this gently....You may not get a "great" reaction, but as others have said, in the end honesty is best.