[mandht]

I'll try to make this short and to the point.

Past: My Dh and I became parents to the best boy in the world two years ago. Connor's birthmom and I spoke almost daily for almost 4 months before he was born. She and I spent Connor's first night together in the hospital room with him. I was there when his birth grandmother and great-grandmother came to the hospital to meet him. My husband drove the two of us while we followed the ambulance carrying Connor to a Children's Hospital (he spent 9 days and is fine). I can not express in words how much I love her and we pray for her and her family each and every day. When we had to leave 3 weeks after Connor's birth, we met one last time to say goodbye and have a beautiful picture to give Connor, in the future, of the two of them together. When we left, she reiterated she did not want any contact and if Connor wanted to contact her later on in life, that she wanted me to reach her first so that she could let her family know (she has 2 other children). Of course, whatever she wanted I would agree to.

Current: Although it has been hard not to reach out to Connor's birthmom, I have respected her wishes. Last week, I received a call from birthmom's best friend - no message was left. I called back when I noticed the missed call (3 hours later) and left a message. Her bestfriend called me back and we chatted for 21 minutes. I was thrilled to get an update on everyone but was very saddened to hear how Connor's birthmom was doing. She no longer see's her daughter - who is now living with her dad. Her son's father had him removed from her - which broke my heart. Her son was her life and she told us if she hadn't spent so many months alone with him she would have asked us to be his parents as well. I was also told she was involved, for a period of time, with a guy who was doing crack. She was arrested for fighting with someone and lost one of her two jobs. She now has pins in her knee and is still recuperating.

Question: I was asked to send some pictures of Connor, which I readily agreed. (I again cannot tell you how much I love Connor's birthmom and her family and best friend - they were all so good to me when I went out to visit and when he was born). When I told my husband, he was not as enthusiastic. He believes we should not share the pictures and that it may depress Connor's birthmom (who btw, is young enough to be my daughter). I explained her best friend (who is my age - mid-40's) is wise enough and told me they were solely for her and she would only share them if Connor's birthmom's ever asked about Connor. I also trust her maturity and know that she was there for Connor's birthmom. She wants to see how happy he is and a picture of us as a family. I went through all our pictures and settled on 20 (it was tough). I am ready to send them but out of respect for my husband I thought I'd come to you. The feedback I've received in the past from you has always been helpful. Now I reach out to you again for your thoughts. (sorry ... in the end it wasn't so short).

MandHT

[pwheatle]

I say no to sending the pictures to the best friend. The bmom did not ask for them and your arrangement with her is for a closed adoption. You have to honor your agreement with her. In all honesty you have no idea what real motives the best friend has even though she appears very credible.

Tricia

[gracetoyou]

I'd have to agree with pwheatle. If your son's birthmother wants pictures, she should let you know. Did you ask the best friend to have Connor's birthmom contact you?

[mandht]

Gracetoyou... interesting question. Best friend stated she never placed the initial call since she was at work. We discussed whether or not Connor birthmom placed the call. I reminded best friend I told birthmom I would keep the toll free number for as long as possible _ when I think back I mentioned that we pray for her every day, I think of her every day but did not specifically ask her to have birthmom call me. I didn't do so on purpose because I want to respect her wishes and do not want to push myself on her.

Now I am perplexed. Both of you agree with my husband, but I did give her my word I would send something. I did explain to her that birthmom did not want any contact. She asked for a picture and said it would be for her. How about just one recent picture vs. 20 or so covering the past two years.

Regardless of who made the call, best friend requested the pictures. I will also let you know we spent many hours at best friends house before Connor was born and after, sharing both laughter and tears. Best friend was / is like a mom to her.


MandHT

[timni]

I say call teh best friend back. Tell her your concern, to honor your agreement. Ask her to have bmom email or call and leave a mess if she doesn't want to talk to let you know if she really wants them, then you can rework your arrangement, and your rear end is covered as well

[maviskat]

I wouldn't send anything, not even one. Your agreement was with your birthmother, not her best friend. I feel you have to honor her wishes, not her friend's.

[123diamond123]

Hello,

I agree with everyone here and including your DH. I think that if you explain it to her the reason you can not send them, then she will understand. That is not fair to Connor or his birthmom. What if this goes on and on, and then she may want to see him, and then she may mention it to his birthmom. That would be violating her wishes and also not keeping your word on the close adoption. She placed her son in your lives, the least you can do is honor her wishes.....sorry : (

[Leigh131313]

Here's the thing with open adoption....they aren't all the same.

I've heard on here many times the whole "your agreement was with birthmom and no one else" comment, but that is just not always the case.

In our situation, we have been just as involved with Birthmom's sister and mother as we have with m's Birthmom. I would not hesitate for a second to send updates to them if T asked for no more contact.

Open adoption CAN entail more than just the immediate birthparents. It sounds like in your case, you were quite involved with this friend. It is not fair or realistic to think that you have to now just shut these people off.


If you are comfortable with sending pics, send them. If you aren't, then don't.


I don't think a birthparent has the right to dictate relationships just because she is the one who brought you together.

[rtsmom]

I do not feel it is appropriate to send the photos to the best friend. Maybe tell her that, because of your agreement with C's b-mom, that you have reconsidered and feel that you're not comfortable sharing photos without b-mom's permission. You could let the best friend know that you would welcome contact from b-mom, if she wants to okay the photo-sharing.

If I was a b-mom and had asserted my desire for a closed adoption, I would be very hurt to learn that my child's a-mom had been in touch with my very best friend and had shared photos.

Just my opinion... Janet

[kimmom]

I say send them if you can trust the best friend not to share unless she is asked to. Be sure to tell her how very important it is that she respects the agreement you made with Connor's bmom. Connor's bmom may be embarrassed about some of the things that have happened in her life recently. She knows how much you care about her and that you are going to ask about her and connor's bsibs and she might just be embarrassed to tell you the truth about it. It may help her to see that she made a great decision in choosing you and your husband to parent, and she might just be more comfortable asking her best friend to see the proof of that.

[mumofone]

I wouldn't send the pics to a friend. We only send pics to bmom and birth grandparents...and no one else. I would have to respect your sons bmom's wishes.

[devildogwife]

I see your point Leigh. But this is not an open adoption; she made it pretty clear in the first paragraph of her post. The birth mom stated she didn't want any contact from them, only from her son when he was older if he so chose.

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Here's the thing with open adoption....they aren't all the same.

I've heard on here many times the whole "your agreement was with birthmom and no one else" comment, but that is just not always the case.

In our situation, we have been just as involved with Birthmom's sister and mother as we have with m's Birthmom. I would not hesitate for a second to send updates to them if T asked for no more contact.

Open adoption CAN entail more than just the immediate birthparents. It sounds like in your case, you were quite involved with this friend. It is not fair or realistic to think that you have to now just shut these people off.


If you are comfortable with sending pics, send them. If you aren't, then don't.


I don't think a birthparent has the right to dictate relationships just because she is the one who brought you together.

[sadiegirl]

Well, I'll be blunt; even if the best friend SWEARS she won't share the pix, I still wouldn't do it. It's not her child and situation to deal with.

IMHO (and I said I'd be blunt), I would consider it very disrespectful to send something to the best friend. It's like "going behind bmom's back". She asked for a closed adoption and you have to respect that.

I know Leigh said she keeps in touch with extended family members but she also has an open adoption.

This is closed and you have to honor that.

Just my .02

[BrandyHagz]

Can I share how I'd feel as a bmom? I hope thats ok...cuz I'm gonna anyway

I would be BEYOND ticked off. You would be disrespecting my desires (and our agreement) by stepping on my toes and doing things behind my back.

Want to share pictures? Want to be available? Call her. Write her a note. Tell her you just wanted to see how she was doing...maybe she has changed her mind - maybe opening that door will create the opening she needs to move forward towards that.

So, my vote is for NO - don't share. If bmom wanted friends/family to have pictures, she'd give them - if she doesn't have them to give and hasn't shared, there is a reason and that needs to be respected - or it could do far more damage than you may ever know.

[loveajax]

If it were my kid's bio grandparents/aunts and uncles, etc. asking for the pix, I "might" consider it. i also think it is a little "odd" that a teenager's best friend is much older???? I don't know, I really don't think I would share them. I know you are kind of in an awkward position now, but I think I would call back and just explain that you think it is best for the time being to honor your child's birth mom's wishes. JMO. Good luck.....