[MrsAmyLiz]

After almost 2 years of trying to have a baby the old fashion way and the Last 3-4 months of DH and I being poked and proded by various professionals.

We finally got the final word today.. on Friday the 13th...

Our Doctor recommended adoption. I have always loved the idea of adoption, since I was about 14 and my Dad's girlfriend had an adopted Daughter (she was practically my stepsister for a few years),

Until the last 8 months or so I never thought I would think about adopting a child, now here we are...

I am not really upset about never getting pregnant. I just keep thinking how I always wanted a family and now here is this HUGH overwhelming and extremely expensive bump in the road.

How the heck do people adopt? How do they afford to do it? How do you deal with watching your friends and family with their kids while we wait for another couple years hoping to get lucky enough to have a family of our own someday?

My DH and I have talked about adoption as a definate possiblity but the hardcore planning and serious reasearch has yet to get started. It seems like such a long road.

I guess this news is all very fresh in my mind and we both need time to take it in.

Does anyone have any words of advice or wisdom on how to start? How to deal with all this? I keep finding website after website... how do I know which one(s) to trust?

Thank you.

[shellydm]

Hi-
I just wanted to say hello and tell you that adoption is the best thing that ever happened to us. Our daughter is such a joy. She has been home a little over a year now, and has changed our lives for the better.

Yes, the adoption process can be long and overwhelming, but its sooo worth it in the end.

I would first start researching the types of adoption. There is domestic and international. There is also a domestic fostercare/adopt through the state. Read through the processes and see which feels most comfortable to your family. I checked out a bunch of books from our library and bought some on adoption. There is one that really helped us called Adoption for Dummies or the Idiots Guide to Adoption. (I can't remember but it was one of the two I named If you decide Intl or want to read about it there was a book called Adopting Internationally or something like that. I know both books I mentioned really helped me at least get a summary on the different types of processes. For sure the general adoption books I mentioned will outline the types of adoption so you have a start to know where to research more.

Then after you think you know where you want to adopt, then start researching agencies, lawyers, or talk to a rep for state adoptions. There is a yahoo agency research group that can help you with references and stories from a bunch of agencies. You can post on the yahoo group and ask about an agency and see what feedback you get. This is also a great place to post for info on an agency. On here all specific adoption agency info must be done via PM messaging, but you can post a simple post asking if anyone has experience with such and such agency please PM me the info. And you will get lots of feedback.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any other questions. I can try and give you a summary of the types of adoptions and the process of each to the best of my knowledge.

I wish you the best. It is a hard wait, but sooo worth it in the end.

Best of luck-

Shelly

[mommy3]

One of the best articles I ever read while waiting for our first adoption was that infertility was the best training ground for adoption you could find. I totally agreed as I went down the adoption road. You want me to write a 25-page adoption questionnaire, yes. You need a home study and you'll interview us in our home, etc., no problem. I need to write a paper profile and create a website (and I never had created a website), you bet. I began to regain the will power that infertility drained from me and I knew that THIS time, our baby would come. Yes, adoption can be overwhelming, but try to take each step as the one you'll have control over until your baby is born. It is clearly a journey down an unknown road, but it is done by thousands of us every year -- and it's really the best journey ever, in reality. It's the only way my children could become MY CHILDREN, so amazing.

You asked how to do an adoption. . . my advice is to research which path seems right for your dh and you. Private, fost/adopt (typically via your county), agency, facilitator. We decided we needed the security of a strong agency and found one we felt so right about. For our second adoption, we went back to the same agency and also ended up contracting with a facilitator when we'd waited a while, which was highly successful. Feel free to pm me if you have questions and I'll gladly help a little. Best of luck! susan

[rredhead]

Hello!

The adoption process is very different, depending on the type that you choose. Also, some countries have higher fees than others. All domestic agencies seem to have different fee structures. Foster adopt is usually free, but emotionally "expensive" - I read (and believe) that one shouldn't do foster/adopt unless one is on board with being a foster parent. I had so many people tell me how easy it is to adopt from foster care! Of course, none of them had actually done it.

These are my favorite adoption books:

• Is Adoption for You: The Information You Need to Make the Right Choice by Christine Adamec
• The Adoption Resource Book, 4th edition: 4th Edition by Lois Gilman
• The Essential Adoption Handbook by Colleen Alexander-Roberts
• Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year by Randall B. Hicks
• Reaching Out: The Guide to Writing a Terrific Dear Birthmother Letter by Nelson Handel
• The Complete Adoption Book by Laura Beauvais-Godwin
• Adoptive Families Magazine

As for how people afford it, well, some people are able to set and stick to an adoption budget. There is a woman named "Linny" here, and she has an excellent list of lower-cost, reputable agencies. There are also loans, grants, fundraisers, and employer benefits (sometimes - it never hurts to ask).

Most of the people I know IRL and online have adopted within 1 year of choosing their path. Our process was May to January - 8 months, start to finish. We did a domestic, open adoption through an awful facilitator. Our son is black & white - if you are open to races other than Caucasian, your wait will most likely be shorter. There are many resources on transracial parenting, if you think that's a route you might like to explore.

I would be happy to share some of my bookmarks with you, if you'd like to PM me.

Adoption was our first choice. However, I have a number of friends who have struggled or are struggling with infertility issues. I would take adoption over ttc anyday. Statistics indicate that most couples adopt within 1 year of beginning the process, and almost all adopt within 2 years (Adoptive Families magazine). The ttc statistics aren't that good (I don't have those memorized, but I believe it's something like 1 in 4 couples will actually birth a baby).

Each adoption journey is different. I hope that yours goes well.

[mom2justynsarah]

The best advise is to talk with other adoptive parents. You will get a wealth of information about adoption from this forum. Don't be afraid to ask a lot of questions. I would also check out an adoptive parent support group in your area.

How do people afford it? Well, we were prepared to get a home equity loan. However, my brother ended up loaning us the money.

I would also say, take one step at a time. There are not set rules as to which avenue you take (whether international, domestic or foster). It's something that will feel right to you, and will resonate in your heart and soul. Just remember, whichever way you go, your baby will lead you.

Best of luck!
Julie

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by MrsAmyLiz

After almost 2 years of trying to have a baby the old fashion way and the Last 3-4 months of DH and I being poked and proded by various professionals.

We finally got the final word today.. on Friday the 13th...

Our Doctor recommended adoption. I have always loved the idea of adoption, since I was about 14 and my Dad's girlfriend had an adopted Daughter (she was practically my stepsister for a few years),

Until the last 8 months or so I never thought I would think about adopting a child, now here we are...

I am not really upset about never getting pregnant. I just keep thinking how I always wanted a family and now here is this HUGH overwhelming and extremely expensive bump in the road.

How the heck do people adopt? How do they afford to do it? How do you deal with watching your friends and family with their kids while we wait for another couple years hoping to get lucky enough to have a family of our own someday?

My DH and I have talked about adoption as a definate possiblity but the hardcore planning and serious reasearch has yet to get started. It seems like such a long road.

I guess this news is all very fresh in my mind and we both need time to take it in.

Does anyone have any words of advice or wisdom on how to start? How to deal with all this? I keep finding website after website... how do I know which one(s) to trust?

Thank you.

One step at a time. THat is the only way. You have to first and foremost decide what you want your family to be and what your resources are to get there. Contact your local Children's Services office for guidance of what the process is to adopt through them. Find out what the laws are in your state/provice regarding using lawyers/agencies/facilitators or independent adoption. Find out what international programs might be available for your family.

And if it were me and I was starting on the adoption journey again, in the process of searching for our adoption route, I would seek out independent counseling to talk about your emotions about taking this fork in the road.

And as for waiting longer while everyone else seems to have a family easier, well, I won't kid you, it is hard. Hard. Often, it is just one day at a time. But since there's nothing you can do to change it, the best thing is to move forward with the best route for your family.

On picking an agency (or lawyer, etc) get references from the references. Question whether or not (for domestic) the expecting parents who make contact considering adoption have independent counseling available to them. Determine what you are willing to do before hand regarding support for expecting parents pre-birth. THese issues and so many more can determine the route you will go.

And hang on... it's a wild ride! I am blessed to be a Mom to two amazing Miracles who came to us through adoption.

[gottahavehope]

I remember so clearly being where you are. I knew how to do the trying to get pregnant thing, but I had no idea where to even start with adoption. It seemed so scary and overwhelming. We heard all these myths that it was too expensive, would take years and years, and so forth and so on.

I am an A type person so I jumped right in. I bought a ton of books. My favorite were The Idiots Guide to Adoption and How to Adopt in America in Under A Year. I also started calling Agencies I saw online and eventually decided that I wanted to use an adoption lawyer and do an independent adoption.

We had a consultation with a lawyer who walked us through the steps we would have to take. That made us feel much less overwhelmed and truly exctied. We hired him two weeks later. 10 months later my son was home in my arms.

Getting adoption certified was the easy part. We only had one homestudy visit with this awesome social worker pre-adoption and one post adoption. We had lots of paperwork to fill out, and we had to go infront of a judge in our county pre-adoption and once post adoption to finalize. We were fingerprinted, and had an extensive background check done on us. The lawyer guided us through all of this.

After we were certified (it took about a month to do that part), we were given the okay to start advertising. We did newspapers at first with little results. We then went on ParentProfiles. Our son's birthmother called us two weeks from the day our site was up and running.

She was really early in her pregnancy, so we were hesitant. She wasn't. She called our attorney that night and said she wanted to get the ball rolling. He advised that we just get to know each other.

We talked for two months via phone then went to visit her. We went to the doctor's and saw the baby that would become our son on ultrasound. She formally asked us to be the parents at that time. So, we stopped all other advertising and went for it.

We were at the birth of our son. My husband cut the cord. I was the first one to hold the baby as per his birthmother's request. I spent the night in the hotel with her and him.

He is now 10 months old and the light of my life. It was so worth the emotional stress and worry.

We did spend about 25 thousand, but that was because we decided on having a HUGE advertising budget and hired a lawyer who was really expensive. We did not pay anything up front but there were lots of small bills as we went along that just added up. These included, travel and lodging in the state my son was born, advertising, 20% medical for our son and his birthmother, lawyer's fees, and court and certification fees. The good news is due to the adoption subsidy that the government provides we got 18 thousand back in our taxes this year (around 10 of that was for the adoption). You really don't have to spend as much as we did. I think our adoption was on the high end. If you do domestic independent you can have total control on your own spending.

There is so much to think about, but know that if you decide to go the adoption route there are so many people here who will give you their time and support.

Good Luck!
Peace,
K

I remember so c

[Linny]

I think you've been given a lot of good advice. I just wanted to throw my hat in the ring to say that I would be happy to give you any hints or suggestions into the adoption process.
My dh and I have adopted a total of eight times: Internationally, through the foster/adopt system of our state (which we would never do again), and privately through an agency/attorney. We have adopted primarily transracially, dh and I being 'seemingly caucasian' and our children being Asian or Black American babies. The children through the foster system were adoptable when they came, being ages 3, 6 and 7 when they moved in at their separate times.
All three of the older children adoptions have been 'failed' in one form or another. (Long story for other posts....of which you can find in other forums here.)
Our children now range in ages 26yrs to 4 months of age.

Adoption was our first choice; and infertility was not an issue. But I assure you, it takes time to do your homework and well worth the 'studying investment' to figure out what you want, who's basically honest and who's a lot of flash and dash in the adoption world.

My best to you in your pursuit; and like the others before me, please pm me if I can be of any help to you.

Sincerely,

Linny

[ajrl]

It is great that you are looking at your options. I wish I would have known then what I know now...

We have been through 2 failed adoptions and 1 adoption, just finalized on Thursday. Plus we have one biological daughter.

My advice to you if you are going to use an agency... That was the way we wanted to go as it was supposed to be "safer" and less scams or failures.. depending on the way you look at it.. I would give you the advice to find an agency that you pay at placement. Do not pay upfront or a small deposit and a big chunk at match some are now charging a rematch fee (this is horrible as if it's not bad enough that you lost lots of money to them then at the heartache you have to pay another fee to get rematched) ... This is the way we went and once you have a failed adoption you are "stuck" with that agency till your baby comes or till you bite the bullet and pay another fee at another agency/facilitator/or attny.

There are more agencies out there that pay at placement but you have to look for them. Or know someone that used an agency like that since most of these agencies do not advertise that much and have many more successes they do have failures but you are not held liable for the failed adoptions.

Also, read your contracts with a fine tooth comb and compare them to other agencies and see what they really offer to you and the the bmoms.

AJ

[dkadopt]

You have gotten some excellent advice here! I think that talking to other adoptive parents and to adult adoptees themselves made the process easier for us to digest.

The myth out there is that it is nearly impossible to adopt a newborn domestically (which is the route we chose)...all of the posts on this board are proof that adoptions happen every day.

I found myself saying "it's not fair" whenever I saw my friends with their instant families. This was so unlike me. I battled cancer and never once said that my illness wasn't fair...thinking about it in those terms always helps me get my head back on my shoulders. As I sit here today with my son in my arms, nothing about adoption feels unfair anymore.

In terms of expense, yes it does cost 20-30K or even more...how much is a new car? Loans are there for a reason, and the tax credit you receive the following year can replenish your savings account or become the fund for your next adoption!

[AwaitingBeloved]

I haven't read all the replies, so I apologize if I'm repetitive.

First, I wanted to say, that I'm sorry for all you and your dh have gone through already. I was there only 3 years ago. We went through IVF for 3 years, ending in Feb 2005........... when we received our answers, too.

I was ready to consider adoption at the time. DH was still in shock over the news we'd received. I wasn't though. I kind of always "knew" it would be this way. After the first couple of miscarriages, I knew something wasn't right, for us. He came around within a couple of weeks.. it helped when we had our homestudy, that process actually helped him embrace adoption.

About a year before we had our last cycle, I contacted Resolve in my state for a packet of info on how to get started. I knew no other way, and their info was all over my RE's office.

They sent a great packet, on affording adoption as well as legit agencies.

I picked one in the book, we'd called a few to get more info.. and there was only one that seemed to meet the needs we were looking for. So we went with them.

We really didn't research as much as we should. There are ways to adopt that are economical that we didn't find out about until I found forums, which was after we'd already financially committed to our wonderful, but very expensive, agency...

We had a fundraiser in Aug 05. It was a really fun time and more like a family reunion. It was great. And our families were very happy to help in our process. Everyone asked how they could help, and we'd tell them, come to our fundraiser. And they did!

My advice is, figure out what kind of adoption you're comfortable with. (open/closed, foster/domestic/international, what you're open to regarding race, health issues, etc)

When we started, I was more comfortable with open than DH, but we were both still quite hesitant about it. We have a very open adoption, we've been to her bparents family's house, and her bmother has been to our house, and now that they're out of state, we email to each other and occassionally call each other. And, it's comfortable. There were definitely "growing pains" but things are really all we could have hoped for, and more.

We were not comfortable with foster adoption, although now, we would be, after learning more about it online from forums, but at this point, we're actually a little nervous about bringing a child into our home, all bonding with the child, and having the child reunite with their family... it would be one thing if it were just DH and I, but with DD, we're not really sure the impact that would have on her... so we're not really sure about going there.

International was appealing to us, but what we'd looked into, wasn't any cheaper than the agency we used. AND, we're both afraid of flying. So that wouldn't have worked out well for us.



Our little girl is 13 months. We were there (watching from the hallway) as she was born. I roomed in with her birthmother (at her request) in the hospital. She's the light of our lives.

We had concerns that we wouldn't love her the same as we would love a biological child. Well, I have nothing to compare this love to, but I can tell you, I never knew I had the capacity to love the way I love her. I never had been brought to tears before with gratitude for just giving a child a bottle, or singing a child to sleep.

Being a mom is making me learn so much about myself and make some really healthy changes in my life... and it doesn't matter that I became a mom through adoption.

The journey was definitely bumpy. It was NOT easy. But, there were a couple of women online, who are still on this forum, who would encourage me when it got rough and remind me that I would eventually be a mom if I hung in there and saw it through, but if I gave up, then I was making sure I wouldn't become a mom. It was just what I needed to hear. And it kept me going.

And don't be afraid to be honest with yourself and your agency (or facilitator) about what is comfortable for you and DH. They will be your right hand. They need to know your thoughts so they can present you with possible matches that you would be comfortable with.

Adoption doesn't take forever. There ARE some that still take a very long time. Even international adoptions.. but there are many that are pretty quick.

We started our process Feb 05, and DD was born and in our arms Mar 06. It was right in our agency's "average" range.

Good luck.. the info is overwhelming, but take your time and ask questions... it's worth it.

[StevensMama]

For us, the most important thing was talking to parents who had actually adopted. I read so many books because I had no idea what the various types of adoption were. We're very open about adoption in everyday conversations and you would be surprised how many people you come in contact with who have adopted and are willing to talk to you. Also, here on this forum people are very responsive. I know it seems overwhelming at this point. We're finishing our homestudy right now, so we have some waiting in front of us, but I'm so happy with the process so far. Good luck to you no matter what you decide!

[time2grow]

Hi Amyliz
In all honesty, adoption is quite a journey! For some it can take years, others months, but whatever the time line is I'm sure all will agree with me in saying it is the most fulfilling and rewarding experience you will have in your life!
When we decided to adopt, we researched all areas of adoption. (domestic, international and through our gov. agency) If you can find information sessions or adoption support groups, I would recommend attending. We ruled out domestic quickly because DH and I both agreed that we didn't want the risk of a child placed with us and possibly losing the child if the BP decided they would like to parent. So we narrowed it down to international or gov. agency. We attended an information session that our local gov. agency and found out that in our area the average age of children adopted was 6mos to 1 1/2yrs. It was around the same age as a child we would adopt internationally. So we decided to go with our gov. agency. You can see in my signature when we stared to how long it took for placement. I was completely shocked when we got the call to adopt a newborn who's parents chose us exclusivley to adopt their child. Our situation was rare, but they do come along.
Joining this forum was a great place to come as well. I can't begin to tell you how much support I received from everyone here throughout our journey! This bunch is truly amazing!

[ps2005]

We found a little book called Yes You Can Adopt that was so helpful to us. It outlined the many different kinds of adoption and gave great resources for doing further research as you start narrowing your options (list of websites, adoption organizations, etc.) It is a wonderful starting point if you are just beginning this journey and need to know which specific path to take.

Adoption is a MIRACLE, truly! You will be so thankful that your path led you here!

[MrsAmyLiz]

I wanted to Thank everyone for all your wonderful words of hope and advice!

In the last couple weeks I have done a bunch of research and thought dh was onboard until about a week ago when it finally hit dh. I thought he was just taking the news well... but now I know he hadn't really accepted any of it yet. I guess it takes time...

I just want to move forward with Adoption and I thought he did too.

We would ideally like a baby that wasn't obviously not naturally our child. When you adopt a child of a different race do people ask you if it is your child? I would hate that question, of course it is your child - I just wonder if I would have to keep explaining myself to people. YA know.. I think I have a lot more to research on that.

DH now wants us to go to practically any means necessary to try to have his child or get a donor.. which I really do not want a donor and they said it is extremely unlikely he could get me pregnant any which way. I do not want to spend tens of thousands of dollars for him to understand this then find $$ to adopt. I just want a family and I don't even care if the child is biologically ours. I am scared of wasting $$ trying something that most likely won't work then once all our funds are exhausted trying to find more money to adopt.

So.. as of now.. I am calling various doctors for their take on our "options" or more like lack thereof.

I am assuming at this point it will be another 6 months + before DH will be happy with the idea of adopting like I am.

Thanks again ladies. You all gave me some great advice and hope that eventually.... we will have a family like we dreamed of..