[waiting4amiracle]

So we're truly counting the days before we head to Michigan. At this point we can get that call any day now and be on our way. DW and I were just talking over the weekend and she posed an interesting question: "What do we say to "T" when we see her and our baby boy for the first time after he's born? What do we say to "T" and b-father when she places him in our arms?"

Now being one who's rarely left speechless that's exactly where I find myself. What can one say that is appropriate without sounding trite? "Thank you" hardly seems right....and "congratulations" seems totally out of line too....yet we feel this deep gratitude toward "T" and b-father for the love, trust and faith they have put into their decision and in us.

What can we possibly say .... anyone???

[lovemine77]

My opinion write them each a letter, try to find the words for your gratitude, and your love. They will be able to see the gratitude and love when you are hold the baby, but all you will really be able to say is thank you. If you take a few minutes before anything happens and your world is turned upside down by a new arrival, because that is what happens when babies come...lol.. Find your thought, find the words and write them down. Congratulations!!!!

[itsamiracle2007]

I am struggling with the same concept. Due to our semi-open adoption terms, I am to write a letter to the bmom once a month. What do I say in my first letter? There has to be more than just a thank you. She struggled after giving up the baby, and caused a rift in the adoption. Now that everything is ok, and the adoption is almost finalized, what do I say without sounding upset that she put me and my husband through the stress?? I don't want to sound angry, I want to be grateful.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by waiting4amiracle

So we're truly counting the days before we head to Michigan. At this point we can get that call any day now and be on our way. DW and I were just talking over the weekend and she posed an interesting question: "What do we say to "T" when we see her and our baby boy for the first time after he's born? What do we say to "T" and b-father when she places him in our arms?"

Now being one who's rarely left speechless that's exactly where I find myself. What can one say that is appropriate without sounding trite? "Thank you" hardly seems right....and "congratulations" seems totally out of line too....yet we feel this deep gratitude toward "T" and b-father for the love, trust and faith they have put into their decision and in us.

What can we possibly say .... anyone???

I would (and did!) say "congratulations!" They just gave birth to their child after all. I feel that even with the hard things that might be ahead for all of you, regardless of their decision to parent or place, it is important that they first feel like parents, that their parenthood of the child is acknowledged. We said congratulations, sent them flowers because that is what we would have done to anyone who just gave birth.

And really, I wouldn't worry about what you will say. Anything you plan will sound trite and well, planned IMO. Sorry, you cannot plan any moments in this type of situation. You have to just let it happen, and take it one step at a time. Let them lead the conversation. Let them speak about how they are feeling about what has happened/is happening. Don't assume anything. Be grateful that they let you in on this precious time with their child. Give them time alone, as much as they want, as long as they want. Make excuses to leave even if they say they don't want you to, so that they can experience time with their child.

We just talked to the new parents about the birth experience (we were present and the main support the first time; we were invited but didn't get there fast enough the second time), how she is feeling physically, making sure there was nothing she needed. DH made a fast food run so she wouldn't have to eat hospital food. We spent time talking about who the baby looks like in their various features. Treat them like parents and you can't go wrong.

Really, from my experience, there is nothing you can say to let them know what you are feeling. We spoke of our commitments to them, to make sure their children know as much of who their First Parents are that we know, to always honor them in our conversations with our children and that we intended to keep the adoption as opened as possible.

Bottom line... just live each moment as it comes. And remember that they are parents first and foremost. You'll get to have time later to celebrate and be parents to this child.

[MichelleL11]

Rob:

Just going by what we did and said -- we really thought we weren't going to meet our daughter's birthmom, so didn't have time to prepare (which is actually good in some ways).

We said "thank you" and "we promise to take good care of her." It was extremely emotional -- I think everyone was crying. We also emphasized how she would always know how much her birthfamily loved her and cared about her -- right from the start. We took pictures of her with her birthmom and her birthgrandma and some with us, too. We told her birthmom that she would have those pictures in her room. And that's where they are.

Since this was our only chance to know more about her birthfamily I also asked some "get to know you questions" about her birthmom -- her likes and dislikes, what she does for fun, that sort of thing -- so we can tell our daughter some things about her as she gets older. It was also a more comfortable place for the conversation to go after all the initial emotion.

As for the letters, I tend to make them newsy and upbeat but always include health stuff like height and weight. I've thanked her birthmom only in the first letter -- I didn't want it to become a running theme -- maybe at the one year letter I'll do it again. I really hope that the pictures tell the story of how much fun we are having with her and how happy and thankful we are to have her in our lives.

I close with the reassurance that I'll be sending another set of pictures in a month (our agreement is monthly pictures/letter for the first year, quarterly until age five and then a renegociation). I do hope that what I am doing helps and doesn't hurt too much. We might see them at finalization (we've invited them but not sure if they are coming yet), maybe I can find out then.

Good luck with your first meeting and your letters. Go with your heart, I think it reduces the chances that you will be misinterpreted.

[mom2samuel]

Our ds was born in Dec., after being matched for only 2-3 weeks. We met the mom in person when we got to the hospital, and finding the right words to say is really hard!

I tried to ask as many questions as I could think, because I valued birthmom's opinion. I told her I hoped we honored her in the way we will raise our son. I also told her I was happy she decided she wanted phone calls and visits. I explained I NEVER wanted her to worry about him or what was going on in his life. I"ve never had biological children, so I can only imagine the DEPTH of love she felt for this beautiful baby and I thank her for the miracle she gave us. Not only is the baby a piece of our heart, but so is she.

Goodluck finding the right words. I agree with the above, write down what's truly in your heart. When the moment comes, you will be speechless!

Michelle

[DebCsMom]

Say how you feel! When we saw the birth moms right after the birth we first asked how THEY were. Was the labor okay, ask if she needs anything. Make it about them right now. Comment on how beautiful the baby is! If the baby looks like them, say so.

Once the ice has been broken, the conversation will flow.

GOOD LUCK

Deb

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by itsamiracle2007

I am struggling with the same concept. Due to our semi-open adoption terms, I am to write a letter to the bmom once a month. What do I say in my first letter? There has to be more than just a thank you. She struggled after giving up the baby, and caused a rift in the adoption. Now that everything is ok, and the adoption is almost finalized, what do I say without sounding upset that she put me and my husband through the stress?? I don't want to sound angry, I want to be grateful.

What do you mean by "she struggled after giving up the baby and caused a rift in the adoption?" What kind of rift? I am sure it was upsetting and stressful to you if she was struggling with her decision, but really, can you imagine how hard that decision might have been? I would reconsider holding any negative feelings toward her because in the very basic part of her, she had a hard time making the decision in the end to place her child. That is a part of an adoption placement. Anger at her IMO is misplaced especially if now, you say everything is OK (or is it okay only because in the end, she did decide to place with you, no matter how much of a struggle her decision to place was). Obviously it isn't over on your part. YOu are still angry. Yes, it may be hard and stressful on you but if you want to have any sort of a relationship, respecting her need to make and re-make this decision is vital.

About the letter... I would speak about the things babe is doing, what he/she is like, how your days goes with babe in your family. Ask how she is doing, what is going on with her life. ALways be truthful. Speak from your heart.

[tomandcate]

Rob,

I know when the time comes you will know exactly what to say, from the heart, as you always do on this board.

Ask her how she's feeling. Ask about the labor (if you aren't there in the room for it yourselves).

Tell her how beautiful and strong and sweet baby boy is...I bet she will be so proud of him. Don't be afraid to show your happiness...I am sure she would not want you to feel anything other than pure joy and excitement that you are adopting this precious baby. Tell her you will take good care of him. Thank her for putting her trust in you to love and parent him. Tell her that holding him in your arms is the best thing you've ever done. You can communicate in a way that expresses that this is the best day of your life without disrespecting her and without forgetting that this is probably one of the hardest days of her life.

Given those suggestions, just don't assume anything...don't "preplan" what you will say to any extent...take your cues from her and you will do just fine!

Cate

[SchmennaLeigh]

D wrote me a letter. I, personally, didn't like being told "thank you" because it made me feel strange (I can't put it into words today). For me, a simple "congratulations" from ANYONE that came into my room would have been gladly welcomed. Not one person said it.

Re: a mother who is struggling with her decision: doesn't that show a character quality in that woman/mother that you would HOPE for your child's biological parent? Love so strong that even though you know it might be right, it still hurts? Sigh.

[kelceesmom]

I think a letter is a beautiful way to let them know your feelings. As for the moment, all we could say was that we will love this baby until our last breath.

Rob, we are so excited for you.

[itsamiracle2007]

I am new to this forum, and with that said, I was able to write my letter to the bmom today. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry with her at all, it has just been an emotional roller coaster since she was "making up" stories to try to stop the adoption. I completely understand where she was coming from, and unfortunately there are so many emotions involved on both sides. If there is a way for me to post my letter so you all can see, please let me know. I feel I did a very good job of expressing my graditude towards her, it is a very heartfelt and emotional letter, and I would love to share it with all of you.

[maviskat]

I wrote a long and very heartfelt letter to our birthparents the night before we brought our DD home from the hospital. I knew I would never have been able to say what I wanted to that day...I am too emotional and I knew I would be a crying mess...and I was!!! It took me a long time to write that letter...I wanted it to be perfect...to say everything in my heart. I was very happy with it in the end and our birthparents later told us how much the letter meant to them.
I also made a copy of the letter for our DD to read one day.

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!

[itsamiracle2007]

Thank you. I think the hardest part in writing the letter was trying to be as sincere as possible, and not let the technicalities of the adoption process get in the way. I had my sister read the letter, and she loved it. It was a perfect way of expressing my graditude to her, as well as letting her know how well the baby is thriving in our family.

[loveajax]

Rob, it is soooo surreal, and I felt that way even after DH and I had met with DD"s birth parents a few times before her birth.

It is so trite to say, but I think you will just KNOW what the right, best thing to say is. GOOD LUCK!!!