[PastorStephanie]

I am a 29 year old adult adoptee in reunion with my bmother and family. I am very confused about how my aparents are handling things and was hoping some of you could shed some light on the situation.

Here are the cliff notes: I have always known I was adopted. My aparents were pretty much the best parents ever. Nearly perfect... it was almost irritating=) My aparents were very open about my adoption until I was a teenager. Then everything suddenly became a secret. Stories became conflicting and everyone (my aparents and I) got anxious. I was first contacted by my bfamily when I was 18. This was something I always wanted. This was something they had always claimed to be comfortable with.

Right from the beginning of contact things were tough. My aparents insisted on the first meeting on their terms- that they be present the entire time and that it take place in our home. Even though I was now living 5 hours away in the college dorms. I was 18 and felt trapped so I agreed. It was too much. Too crowded. Too emotional. I felt too watched. My aparents wanted EVERYONE there- so they invited about 10 other people without my permission or knowledge. My bmom was overwhelmed too.

My bmom and I developed an "on" then "off" relationship for the next 9 years. My aparents would always ask if we were in contact. If we weren't they would say things like, "Hmm... some birthmother! Why can't she make up her mind. She is so flakey..." If we were they would act overly pleased yet abruptly end our conversation. I often cut off contact with my bmom because I felt that their behavior was a silent request to do so...

About a year and a half ago, my bmom and I made a commitment to not have any more "off's" in our relationship. I shared this with my aparents... they seemed ok with this development... acted sort of disconnected from it. I was slow to share much about my relationship with my bmom with my aparents because they immediately stopped asking about my bfamily after I told them about the whole commitment thing.

Things are going extremely well with me and my bmom. I occassionaly try to share stories with my aparents and they change the subject or end the conversation. I have tried to lovingly suggest that they may feel hurt by my relationship with my bmom and they admately deny that. None the less, my relationship with my aparents has changed A LOT in the last year and a half. I try to be extravagent with my affirmation towards them but they continually withdrawl. I feel like I am losing them. I have brought up the topic of "how are you feeling about my relationship with bmom" so many times it is awkward: Sent letters, brought it up over the phone, even flew back to my hometown to discuss it face to face. They insist they are fine but they are becoming more and more distant all the time. I don't believe that they would ever "abandon" me or "cut me out of their lives" but the withdrawing is really hurting me...

Does anyone have any sight into how bridge this gap?

[mom2justynsarah]

I am an adoptive mom in an open adoption with my daughter's birthmom. However, my daughter is only two. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your aparents obviously love you very much. It's apparant that they feel conflicted over this aspect of your life.

They probably feel like they are losing their child (even though you make every attempt to assure them that is not the case). It's just raw emotion.

I'll be honest with you, sometimes when my daughter's birthmom calls, (and I know she is at peace with her decision to place), I get a twinge of annoyance/jealousy. I don't want to "share" my daughter, she is MINE!

But that's not truley the case. She not only has a birthmom, but a bdad and three FULL BLOODED siblings. They all love her tremendously. They all want a relationship with her.

I recommend you write your aparents a letter. Sometimes it's easier to read something concrete, than to absorb abstract emotions.

In the meantime, continue to forge forward with your relationship with your birthmom. Your aparents WILL eventually come around.

Please let us know how things progress.

Julie

[ocracoke]

I think you are in a difficult place. You have no intention of hurting either your bfamily or your afamily but it seems to be happening anyway.

I am also an adult adoptee who searched and reunited. It honestly never occured to me that doing so would threathen my parents. A bit niave of me I guess. My amom was very open but my adad seemed to try to block my efforts subtly. My reunion was a disaster because my bmom refused to stop lying to me and refused to responsibiltiy for her actions. But during that time my amom kept encouraging me to see it through. I do not in any way regret searching even though it did not turn out well.

As an adoptive mom I can understand the threat the bfamily can seem at times. I remember when I was waiting for my daughter I kept thinking "this is my child -- not somebody elses child that I am just going to raise." When I found out who my child was going to be and the circumstances of her relinquishment I realized that this was "our" child. She was going to be affected by her bfamily just as much as me and even though I would never meet them we would always share a child (international adoption - bmom died and bdad is dying).

There could be any number of reasons for your aparents pulling back. Maybe they are thinking in a traditional way -- there is only room for one set of parents in your life -- so they feel you have picked her so they must take a back seat. While this is not true it does not mean that they do not think or feel it. Maybe they feel hurt or that they did everything for you and you are picking bfamily. Again this is not true. Maybe it is a control issue.

I am not sure exactly what you have tried. I tend to be a blunt straight forward person. I would likely sit down with them and explain how I was feeling, how things appeared to me, what I was willing to do about bfamily (remain in contact in your case), but that you felt like there was work to be done on the relationship with afamily. Tell them that you are willing to do it because you love them and respect them. But you will not sacrifice one part of your life for the other. And then ask them point blank what they are thinking and feeling and willing to do. Tell them you love them and the you love bmom. Tell them you have enough love, time and energy for all the parents in your life and you would really like them to accept your life for what it is.

I wish you luck with this.

Samantha

[jigger]

Although it's hard for you to be in the middle, I very much understand your parents reaction. I'm not sure under what circumstances you were adopted, but in my case my son was not treated well in the home with his biological mother and was removed by the state. As a result, I have very mixed feelings about her and would have a hard time trusting that she would look out for the emotional best interests of my child in the case of a reunion. As parents, it's our job to protect our children from all that might hurt them. It's really hard to turn that off even when you know it's what you should do. I liked the above idea of writing a letter. I think it's a great way to get your feelings out there. Then I'd follow up with a "family conference," and talk with them face to face. Obviously, you are very loved and should feel lucky. I think it will just take some time for your parents to get used to the idea.

[HBV]

Like most things in life, it's pretty easy to say how things ought to be in the abstract, but much harder when you're actually made to deal with the situation. They may have always thought they'd support your decision (and perhaps in their minds they are being supportive) but your perception of what's supportive isn't the same as theirs. If you aren't a parent yet yourself, it may be hard to understand just how painful this may be for them----just as it may be hard for them to really get what you're going through.

One other thing occurs to me---is it possible that your aparents know something about your bmom that you don't know at this point in your reunion? The reaction you describe from your aparents sounds almost more like fear or trepidation that you'll get hurt than anger or jealousy over the relationship with your bmom. Was there some other contact earlier or some incident that could be causing that? I don't want to imply that must be the case, but it seems a question worth asking.

[akcskye]

HBV,

I kind of agree with you here.

I too felt, from the OP's post, that perhaps there is something more to this adoption than they know about causing this behavior in the adoptive parents.

As another person replied to on this post, I am also in this same light...

My kids' birth mother has made some pretty poor choices for them (we too are in an adoption through the state), and I have mixed feelings toward her as well.

So, from my own "gut" as well as what the OP said...WITHOUT knowing their WHOLE situation, I just feel that there's "more" and that perhaps they feel this behavior is either protecting THEM or the OP.

[PastorStephanie]

Hello everyone! Thanks for your insight. I appreciate your thoughts! In regards to whether or not something else is in factoring in for my aparents... I am not sure. I was an infant adoptee. My bmother reliquished on her own, without state involvment, because she was a young single mom, with a 2 year old son already. There was no abuse or accusations there of. My aparents have never implied anything of the kind nor do I have any reason to suspect anything of the sort based on reunion. My older birthbrother and I have a very honest relationship... I feel like it would have come up... but anything is possible.

I appreciate the letter suggestion. I have done that already. I poured out my heart in it and flew home to hand delivered it, along with an airplane ticket for my amom to fly out to spend time with me... My aparents said nothing about it. Although my amom has mentioned she is excited about her trip out to Colorado.

[sweetpea_mom]

My adoption background in very similiar to yours so I won't bore with history

From personal experience (both my asister and I are in reunion with our respective bmom & family), the only way to bridge the gap is time.

You have done everything you can to reassure your aparents, and it is up to them to meet you halfway. It might not get much better.

My bmom and I only communicate via email and the occasional gift, and my amom is quite pleased about this. Amom never asks about my bmom. Amom and I have never been very close, we are so different from each other, and she is always so afraid of rejection she couldnt' be happier that bmom and I are taking our sweet time to get together.

My asister, on the other hand, is in full reunion with her lovely bmom and extended family. My amom has *tried* her best to be positive but she feels threatened, and like your aparents, adamantly refuses to admit it. Amom is ALWAYS asking me why my sister is doing this, has she seen them, did they talk recently, etc etc. Amom is always trying to interject drama where none exists. My sister only tells amom minimal info now, as it was getting ridiculous. She was wanting almost weekly reports! Amom and sister's bmom met early on in reunion and it went well, both moms wanted to meet the other.

I think what really annoys my Mom about our respective reunions is that asister and I are so much like our birth families in personality, looks, behaviours. I know my amom feels left out b/c of that - you can't override genetics no matter how much you try and it is *the* thorn in my mother's side.

[snaps]

As an adoptive parent I can also relate to what your parents are going through. My daughter is only 16 months right now, but I can understand how your aparents feel. I am not sure what their circumstance was that lead them to adoption, but for many it was infertility and/or multiple miscarriages. A lot of times this leaves woulds and fear of loss. They may be afraid of losing you (even though you have assured them). In reading your post I also get the sense that there may be some kind of other info about your bmom that they don't want to share or are nervous about. They may be afraid of her hurting you emotionally and are trying to protect you. I think it will take time. If there is anything that your aparents have not revealed with regard to your bmom they may need time to develop a sense of trust in her as well. Hope this helps.

[crick]

I have no reunion experience at all....just my personal observation here on your posts...

You've done your part, kwim? You've assured them of your love, kept the door of communication open, respected their feelings etc. What more can you do? I have no idea of course why they are reacting this way and wouldn't presume to know, but honestly...it's not your battle to fight. You shouldn't have to be on eggshells with them or try to make them feel better.

I know they are your parents, and any kind of strain on relationships is difficult. But the bottom line is, in ANY situation, there's only so much a person can do to reassure someone or try to make a situation easier for someone.

I think honestly, I'd leave it alone for a bit. Call them as usual, talk about things you normally do, enjoy your visit etc., but not make the reunion a focus of things right now. Not to say you want it like the "elephant in the room" either, just saying that maybe if you kind of take a break from the reassuring, it'll be less stressful....for YOU. You deserve to be happy and all you can really do is what you've already done. Hopefully your parents will see that whatever emotions they are feeling, they have a right to feel, but as your parents...they need to deal with those separate from you and be there for you.

[loveajax]

Stephanie, I just wanted to say I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

My DH is an adult adoptee. He has "located" his birth mom but has not made contact yet. I think he has feelings of guilt, etc.

His parents are wonderful people, who have always been totally open about adopting/encouraging if the kids want to find birth families, etc. But I can tell you that my MIL seemed kind of "hurt" when SIL contacted her birth mom. She still refers to SIL's birth mom (who sadly has died) as "when YOUR mom was here" and SIL has to say, "MOM, YOU are my MOM."

People are human. We treasure our children. We want to think that we are the end all/be all for our children. It's selfish, but I think it's a reality for a lot of people that you have to try to "check."

I am sorry that you feel like your parents are "slipping away" a bit. I can say, honestly, I have had "slipping away" periods with my own (bio) parents, and we are back in a good place. As someone said, you have handled this very well and should be proud of yourself. GOOD LUCK!