[Mrsps704]

Let me first say that I have done much reading and have heard from many open-adoption situations so I know their thoughts and feelings on it. And I’m not new to adoption, I was adopted myself though it was a closed adoption. I am looking for thoughts, opinions, and experiences on your semi-open adoption or blogs to look at etc. Wanting to see all sides of things. Thanks so much!

Renee
Waiting since Feb 10, 2007

[HappyTwinsMom]

I found it awkward, honestly. Because we met the girls' birthmom before they were born, we all had to be so careful about not revealing last names, etc. She knew what state we lived in, but not what city. During the first year, we sent all our pictures and updates through the agency - without including our return address. It was just strange. I mean, she placed her babies with us and we didn't even know her phone number (and she didn't know ours).

Anyway, on the girls' first birthday, I called our social worker and asked if she would call their birthmom to see if we could call her directly. She called back just a few minutes later to say yes, that C would love to talk with us. From then on, everything's been completely open. We don't have visits, mainly because of geography, but we have each other's phone numbers, addresses, emails, etc.

It's much more normal now!

[mommamarci]

We did not meet Cameron's birth mom until he was already 2 weeks old. (She had signed TPR's and he had been placed in an agency foster family.) I was not comfortable at firts giving her all info. However, the agency was NOT careful and told our last name and she knew the general area where we lived, so I knew if she really wanted to, she could find our address, so I just gave it to her. We now have a fully open adoption, however, I think it is closing. I am still sending letters and pics but I am getting no repsonse from her.

I have heard others in semi-open adoptions say that it is frustrating because it takes a lot longer to send stuff, costs more because postage has to be paid to agency and then again on to bmom, and they never really know if bmom is receiving everything.

Orginally, we left ourselves open to anything. However, we said if there were any drugs (or other illegal activity) involved we would not be willing to share personal identifying info.

Whatever you decide, good luck with this decision. It is a hard one!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Mrsps704

Let me first say that I have done much reading and have heard from many open-adoption situations so I know their thoughts and feelings on it. And I’m not new to adoption, I was adopted myself though it was a closed adoption. I am looking for thoughts, opinions, and experiences on your semi-open adoption or blogs to look at etc. Wanting to see all sides of things. Thanks so much!

Renee
Waiting since Feb 10, 2007

Sadly, I would have to say that our adoptions would be considered semi-open. We wanted open, including regular visits, and have worked hard to keep that a possibility even through some pretty difficult circumstances. But it hasn't worked very well since both First Mothers of our kids have chosen not to respond.

We met both First Mothers before they gave birth. We exchanged ALL information with the intention (at least on our part) on keeping things fully open. Since Bug was born (3 years) we have lost touch with her First Mom who has moved around lots. We have been blessed to have two visits (three with Bug's sisters) although our intention was four visits per year. We do send updates ~ including pics and letters ~ and packages for special occasions through her parents, who pass them along. Her Mom and I email quite often just to keep in touch. Bug's First Mom no longer has our direct information due to some dangerous choices in the last couple years. It's wierd and hard... I would rather it be a healthier relationship.

With Roo, we have not had any visits in nine months. We've scheduled four but his First Mother has canceled them all. Most recently, she called to say she wasn't sure if she wanted contact at all. I got her address in the end and will continue to send updates but she wants no visits for now. I am sad about this as Roo has a bio brother as well.

Wish they were more open. Working hard to keep them open. But that is our story...

[loveajax]

I think it may depend on how you define semi-open.

We met with DD's birth parents before the birth a few times and have met with them twice since her birth (we will have another visit in 2 months).

I had hoped to keep our identifying information private (DH and I are very private people), but at the hospital, our names came out (and so did theirs -- they had hoped to keep theirs private too!). We know where DD's birth family lives, but they do not have our address (we send updates thru the agency). DD's birth mom has my cell phone number, but not our home phone number or email. I have her phone number too and we chat every few months or so.

Is that open? Semi-open? I don't know. I feel like it is pretty open (we provide quarterly updates and pix thru the agency), but some people may think it is not really open at all since they don't know where we live? I'm not sure.

It really can be whatever you and the birth family agree to make it....I will say that at least at our agency, the "default" was a semi-open adoption (providing letters and pix thru the agency).

GOOD LUCK to you!

[Ela]

Our adoption is semi-open, sort of. We know our son's bmom's full name, and though we didn't reveal our info, it turns out that she's related to a former student, so she probably knows as much about us as the student does, which is quite a bit (last name, workplaces, etc). That wasn't intentional, but it hasn't been a problem. Bmoms are not stalkers; I don't know why everyone is so paranoid (in most cases) if some info gets out.

We don't communicate through the agency unless I'm sending "hard" pictures. We set up an email address for her, and we communicate almost entirely online. It's easier than constantly going through the agency. Still, we don't do visits or phone calls, at this point, and I don't anticipate that changing right away.

One of the reasons I wanted semi-open is that I felt that we are actually forming a relationship between the adults. Some of the things that people have posted on here about open adoptions have bugged me. Relationships with adults take time. It's all very well to say that open adoption is joining two families, but unlike your birth family, you don't have years with the other family, and you certainly don't have the time and information you'd have before marrying someone. This way, my son's bmom isn't a stranger to me, but she isn't suddenly an intimate friend, either.

That being said, our relationship is cordial, and I can't help but love this young woman (who is a lot like me at her age). The time may come when we decide to open it, but we didn't want to commit to something that maybe none of us were comfortable with.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

We have a semi-open adoption. This consists of 2 visits and 6 letter/pictures a year. So far it has been OK...although the visits have been a 3 ring circus with every family member wanting to show up in the 2 hour time frame we are there. Honestly, it is not very comfortable. Also, we are a foster/adopt family and I feel that some of these situations are not always ideal for open adoption...even if it is only semi-open.

[mommmmy]

I do think it depends on what the actual definitions are and they seem to change along the way.

I consider ours to be semi-open...because we don't have regular visits and may not have visits at all. We all know each others full information. We emailed and spoke on the phone quite a bit prior to the birth. We spent a great deal of time with the birth family the week prior to the birth and then after the birth.

Things have changed over time. Unfortunately there has been an issue with boundaries at times.

The agency considered "open adoption" to be photos and updates at specified times and we could send them directly or through the agency. I've always sent everything directly and copies to the agency. I did have a website thing set up where I would post photos and little updates very frequently.

There have definitely been some struggles for us. Especially in the beginning and figuring out what everyone's expectations were.

I tend to want to see everything as being really great and workable. Sometimes I've had to come down to earth and realize that it's important to be realistic too. And in some situations structured boundaries are very important. Recently some things came up and it's been necessary to go back to what the agency recommended.

I think the biggest thing is to only agree to the minimum you are comfortable with. It's always possible to do more. I also think it's really important to spell things out well.

[gottahavehope]

Our adoption is semi-open in the fact that we met prior and exchanged info, but now only do e-mails, pics, and letters. We have agreeded not to meet unless our son expresses an interest in it. For us, it is great. I love the fact that my son will have access to that part of his history if he is interested. If he turns out not to want to meet her, that will be fine too. It really will be up to him.
Good Luck with whatever you decide.
Peace,
K

[joskimo]

We met our daughter's bmom over the phone and talked several times before our daughter was born. We met her in person at the hospital. It was ackward, but I wouldn't trade that single experience for anything. Watching her say goodbye to my daughter was very painful but when my daughter asks me aobut her bmom I can tell her that she loved her and she was sad but she was happy and she picked us out of all the parents in the whole world, just like Cinderella.

My husband is adopted (closed) and was adamant against an open adoption. Ours is semi, so after our daughter was born we send letters and pics a few times a year to the adoption agency. I sent them frequently the first year but found out she wasn't picking them up so now I send them twice a year. She may also send us letters, pics, etc, but doesn't - which is her perogotive.

In addition to my daughter's regular babybook, I also am compiling her adoption book, I guess like a lifebook, I don't know, but in it I've got copies of all the letters I sent plus notes on the conversations I had with the bmom and/or the adoption coordiantor listing things about the bmom like siblings, grandparents and stuff like that.

Good luck --

J

[rtsmom]

We have two semi-open adoptions. We're not supposed to know their full names and address, and vice versa, but sw screw ups changed that. Though none of the parties involved have ever used direct contact, we each know the other would have figured it out.

Anyway, our agreement was to send one written update with photos per year and to have one annual face-to-face visit. In both adoptions, both sets of birthparents have stopped contacting us. We wrote them and told them we didn't want to make assumptions about where their comfort zones were re: contact and that we would await their cue on how to proceed. One set of birthparents hasn't been in touch with us in about 8 years and the other set we haven't heard from in about 2.5 years.

We use a liaison service for delivering letters and we're confident that the bparents will get in touch with us when and if they want further contact.

Both of our adoptive sons are significantly mentally challenged and so they do not comprehend adoption or consciously understand that they had parents before us, so I suppose we are fortunate in that lack of contact with their bparents will not impact them the way it could impact a 'typical' child.

That's our story, at this point in time.

Janet

[traceyk]

In our semi we have never met her and she has never seen our pics by her choice. She had the agecy pick. Our contract says to send two letters with 6 pics a year for 18 years. She is not privy to our location, not even state. After saying all that, we were just told by our agency yesterday that since she hasn't called them with her address and hasn't inquired about the letters in the 2 years we no longer have to send updates unless she calls them and asks.