[readyfor1]

Is it better to have biological children then adopt, or is it better to adopt then have biological kids? Or does it matter? I don't know if it matters but my dh is very concerned. He wonders if, for the childs benefit, it would be better to adopt after we had a biological child so the adopted child does not feel like we are trying to replace them.

What do you all think?

[StacieGates]

I think there are benefits and risks both ways.

Adopt first and the adopted child might feel replaced. Adopt after bio kids and the bio kids might feel like they're not good enough.

I don't think it really matters which order as much as how you handle things as a family & make each child feel like an important and vital part of the family....no matter how they came to the family.

God bless,
Stacie

[Persephone76]

Originally Posted by StacieGates

I think there are benefits and risks both ways.

Adopt first and the adopted child might feel replaced. Adopt after bio kids and the bio kids might feel like they're not good enough.

I don't think it really matters which order as much as how you handle things as a family & make each child feel like an important and vital part of the family....no matter how they came to the family.

God bless,
Stacie

Ditto! I agree

[joskids]

I have 4 birth children and then 4 adopted children. Neither is "better". All of my children are mine, fully, in every way possible (except for looks and that's not by any stretch a negative impact). They are all bright, beautiful, loving and on their way to becoming successful in life. It's not the children that make it "better". It's YOU. What kind of parent will you be? Will you teach them to be responsible for their actions or will you spoil your children into thinking the world owes them something? Will you truly BE THERE for them or will you be more worried about having the best house on the block? Do you have the ability to love unconditionally, because ALL children deserve that most in life. Those are the more serious questions I would be asking myself before I had children, birth or adopted. Just my 2 cents . . . for what it's worth.

[loveajax]

It sounds like you have a "choice" as to whether to have biological kids. Many (though obviously not all) women here suffered from infertility, and believe me, that is tough! I spent many years trying to have a biological child.

Now that I have adopted, I feel pretty strongly that it may affect DD negatively if I had a bio child now (there are situations with our adoption that make me personally feel that way). Not that we couldn't work thru that....But I would have to go back to infertility treatments to do so, and that seems to me sort of "herculean" efforts at this point (and obviously with no guarantee of success).

I personally had always planned to have a bio kid and then adopt (DH is adopted).

As others have said, life sometimes hands you really strange situations, and it's all about how you handle them. I wish you luck!!

[DianeS]

I thought the same question, years ago.

My decision was that it seemed as though youth was an advantage in birthing bio kids, but that age was an advantage in adoption.

For instance, younger joints to carry pg weight, stretchier skin for the pg belly recovery, younger in general for the physical stress and recovery from birth, etc. But the older you are, the more mature perfect strangers are likely to assume you are, most states/countries have lower age limits that can be quite high (25 or 30, for example), etc.

That said, then we found out we couldn't have bio kids after all, so it became a moot point.

[gottahavehope]

I adopted my son and now I'm surprisingly pregnant with his sister(I was told this would never happen.) I hope neither child ever feels that one is better than the other. My son is an adoption miracle, my daughter is a fertility miracle-both just gifts from God.

They are both very wanted and will both be loved with everything I have. Adopted, biological-those are just words to me. They are both my children, my everything, my greatest loves (along with their daddy of course)

Interesting thoughts though.

peace,
K

[readyfor1]

Thanks so much every one for responding. I am personally the oldest of three adopted girls. My parents never had any biological children. But I remember when I was around 12 my parents were looking into a new fertility treatment (I am guessing IVF) and asked us how we would feel about them having a bchild. I cried myself to sleep for days. So despite my parents best efforts to assure me that they would love me just the same I feared that they would love there bio child more.

But I don't know if it would have been better if they had had any biological children then adopted because maybe I would have felt like an outsider. I really don't know.

It is true that most of it will depend on how I make all of my children feel loved the same, but as an adoptee there are feelings that aparents can't control. I want to minimize those variables as much as possible. KWIM?

Becky

[ourdreamcametru]

We have two bio and then one adopted and there is no "better way" all of our children know they are special no matter how they bacame a part of the family. I agree with what everyone else has said. Although we talk about adoption and how wonderful it is, we also talk about bio children and how wonderful that is as well.

[allanacw]

Our daughter's adoption was finalized in 2005 when she was 5. She had been living with us for almost a year. My biological son was born last September.

My daughter handled getting a new sibling rather well. There were some issues because I had rough first 8 weeks, health wise, that she will always remember (Mommy crying a lot, etc.). My son looks like a copy of my husband...he's like a little mini me and we get comments about it all the time. Just the other day my daughter asked who she looks like. Because we have a semi-open adoption and have met her birth mom I was able to answer that she looks just like her birthmom.

If anything, her brother coming is bringing up questions about her own background that weren't there before. I had been anticipating they would come up soon and I think her brother coming pushed that along a little bit.

Now she's asking for a sister, but is specifying that she has to be younger. I love that she knows families can form in many different ways and children don't always join a family as a baby.

Looking back, I'm glad we adopted first. We knew we wanted an older child and my daughter came with some behavioural issues we had to work through. I'm not sure I would have the energy to work through those the same way with other kids in the house, but that's just me. For us, adopting first and biological later was the perfect choice.

Best of luck!

Allana

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by StacieGates

Adopt first and the adopted child might feel replaced. Adopt after bio kids and the bio kids might feel like they're not good enough.

This could just as easily be true for any new kids, bio or adopted, regardless of whether the existing kids are bio or adopted - those already there could feel they're not good enough or are being replaced.

I think you're correct that it's how you treat them that's important, not how they got there. And for the kids already there, it's not a bad idea to answer the question "What's in it for me?"

[cmdunn1972]

I agree with what you said! There is no better order, there are only better ways to discuss the "whys" with your children.

FTR, I don't feel DH and I "suffered" from infertility. (I prefer to say we "dealt with" infertility.) Sure, it was a lot to deal with emotionally. I had to grieve the thought that we could never conceive at will like some people can. Looking back, though, the whole experience made us stronger, and we are parents via adoption.

I guess it's just my way of looking at the whole fertility issue. I try to emphasize the positive, by thinking about how we might never have had the pleasure of parenting our son had we conceived.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by readyfor1

Is it better to have biological children then adopt, or is it better to adopt then have biological kids? Or does it matter? I don't know if it matters but my dh is very concerned. He wonders if, for the childs benefit, it would be better to adopt after we had a biological child so the adopted child does not feel like we are trying to replace them.

What do you all think?

Truly, I don't think that it matters the order in which you build your family. I guess practically speaking, fertility is time-sensitive so that has to be respected. Either way though, there will be stuff to deal with, just like any other family. I believe no matter how your kids come to you, each of their stories is different and they will view their place in your home differently depending on their perspective. The most important thing is to make sure that all your kids are treated the same, loved the same.