[Stormster]

Have any of you guys in private placements needed a visit before being chosen as adoptive parents?

I have heard of post "match" visits but how often are they required as a pre-requisite for being chosen?

Just curious. And I"m talking about a cross country visit!!!! We are happy to do it if our attorney says everything is in order but I was just wondering how common it is!

Thanks!

[kelceesmom]

Gwenn,
That is a new one for me. I guess anything can be done. There are no rules against as far as I know. Now would I want to do this??? Not sure. Good luck. You never know how it will happen for you.

[ses1230]

A meeting with the expectant mom before you match with her? Yes, we did it. I don't know about it being required, but DDs bmom wanted to meet us in person, and we wanted to meet her. We spent a weekend with her.
Stephanie

[Vogi2002]

I have heard of this and think it's actually pretty common. I think if I was placing I would DEFINETELY want visits with the aparents. Oh my, lots of them too!!

Good luck!!

[mumofone]

I agree it is quite common. Having said that, we met our baby's mom on the day of placement.

[loveajax]

I think it's how you define "match" really. We were "matched" with DD's birth parents but we met with them three times before she was born and had several phone calls. I guess if they didn't like us, we would not have "stayed matched," kwim? So I don't think it is strange for an e mom to want to meet you.....GOOD LUCK!!!

[kelceesmom]

Originally Posted by loveajax

I think it's how you define "match" really. We were "matched" with DD's birth parents but we met with them three times before she was born and had several phone calls. I guess if they didn't like us, we would not have "stayed matched," kwim? So I don't think it is strange for an e mom to want to meet you.....GOOD LUCK!!!

We too matched at 5 months along and met our bparents 1 months prior to the baby being born. So, technically we met.

[Stormster]

When I see so many matches being made based on phone calls and profiles and THEN a visit being organized....

I guess it depends how much you want it to happen (and how much money you have left...) to do it first.

Thanks!!!!

[BrandyHagz]

We met, in their home, and visited all day - and even then I think it was 2-3 days before they knew if it was a match.

But, yes, I agree - its pretty common.

I thought you were matched with someone? Are you continuing to move forward with other contacts, while being matched - or did that match not work out?

[loveajax]

Stormster, I hear you....I am sure you would feel more comfortable doing this/spending the money if the e mom said she wanted to match with you. The reality though is that the word "match" is so sort of silly anyway because e mom could say, yes, meet you and say no (not that I expect she will!!!).

Is there more information that you could find out before heading out there that may make you feel more comfortable about heading out for the visit? (Our DD's birth parents were local which made visiting easy).

Anyway, GOOD luck...keep us posted.

[Stormster]

I think it is unethical to work with two or more EM's at the same time.

[mom2sam]

We traveled out of state to meet our bmom, she had asked us to come for a visit and we went, not knowing if she had actually chosen us or not. At our visit she told us we were who she wanted to raise her baby. Our son was born 2 1/2 weeks later.

We also flew across the country to meet with an emom who we'd come into contact with through a mutual friend. We traveled down at our expense and then didn't end up being chosen. Both of these situations were private adoptions. We didn't think twice about going either time!

[DebCsMom]

With DD#1, we met before we matched. She read our profile & then met with another couple & then us. She chose us, obviously. We then maintained non-physical contact until the birth when we met again.

With DD#2, they chose us from our profile. We never spoke to the Birth Mom until they day we met her. Which was the day she was discharged from the hospital. We did speak to her father the day of the birth. She then confirmed choosing us after meeting us. We picked up our DD 1 1/2 days later.

With DS she chose us from our profile. We talked several times after that on the phone. Because she lived 9 hours away we didn't meet until the day he was born. That was at the hospital when he was 12 hours old. I had never even seen a picture of her! LOL So when I walked into her room, I had to ask which one she was! LOL

But I do think it is very common to meet face to face if you are able to prior to the birth. I feel it makes it easier for everyone. Face to face is MUCH better than seeing each other on paper.

Deb

[dutchgirl2]

With our youngest daughter we met her first parents in a coffeeshop they like to hang out at. Our CW was there too and they had set up appointments with 2 other couples and a single lady, all in the same day.
Later that week they emailed us and asked us to come for dinner. A few weeks after that we had a pizza/movie night at our house.
It wasn't until 2 months after our initial meeting that they told us that they had chosen us.
We continued to meet with them right up until the birth and were with them when our daughter was born.
I truly think it has made us all very close.
We get together all the time! They just came to our older daughter's 3rd birthday last weekend laden with gifts for her.
So yes, lots of visiting before they wanted to commit to being matched with us. They were extremely careful in chosing a family for their baby and have said many times since placement that they are so glad they found us because it has worked out better than they (and we!) ever thought possible.

Simone

[mommmmy]

We worked with one woman and we planned to go out and meet prior to the birth. However she had "chosen" us and it was more of a formality. We ended up having to say no to the situation (for other reasons).

We talked with another woman who wanted to meet very early in pregnancy (something most adoption professionals would not recommend) and we did. She ended up parenting her child. We still keep in contact with her....she's wonderful! We felt comfortable going with the meeting so early on because we thought if nothing else it would be a good learning experience and maybe we could be of some support to her and her family. It was also a situation where it was just a couple of hours driving. She has told us several times that we were the only family she talked with (the only one that fit what she was interested in) and if she had placed it would have been with us.

Our daughter's birthmom lived across the country. We very well may have gone to meet her prior to the official match however her dates changed drastically. Instead a SW out there met with her for us. We ended up going out right before the birth. We spent 5 days with her prior to the birth. But she had chosen us before that point. Of course she could have of course changed her mind at any point. We didn't see any photos prior to going out....she had seen many many photos of all of us.

I certainly can understand someone having reservations about flying out somewhere to meet someone. I also can certainly understand emoms wanting to meet the people face to face prior to "matching".

I would definitely make sure that the attorney does have all of her information and has verified everything before going to the extent of flying across country and all that!

You absolutely have the right to pass on the situation too and set up parameters that you feel comfortable with as far as these things go.