[poohbear1208]

We were blessed to bring home our baby boy 2 weeks ago. Although I am thrilled we were blessed with this little angel, my attachment to him is not the same as it was with my 2 biological daughters. Can this be normal, or should I be concerned? I keep feeling like my bond with him should have been instant, but it's not. Am I a terrible mother, or is this just going to take some time? FYI, bmom hasn't signed papers yet due to a one month wait our agency imposes, so maybe in the back of my mind this is preventing me from truly bonding. I am just feeling so lost, and this is the only place I knew to come to. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[loveajax]

PB, although I did not experience this, I have heard that it is incredibly common (both for a parents and even for bio parents not to feel an immediate bond).

It may be a mix of different factors -- you don't have the "hormones" that you did with your daughters. You may be still a little afraid of bonding due to the wait between placement and signing of papers. Maybe it's exhaustion?

Do NOT feel like a bad mom.....If you find that you still do not feel "attached" soon, though, maybe it would make sense to talk to someone (a counselor thru your agency, etc.)?

Good luck and congrats!!!

[linda512]

I don't have bio kids, but from what I've read that is normal. Don't beat yourself up. What I've heard others say is that you have 9 months to bond with your bio kids and no time with the adopted kids so it may take longer.
Also, from my standpoint, you may not remember well how you felt when your bio daughters came home. I'm sure it was all a blur of sleep deprivation. And you are analyzing this relationship more closely.
I know I didn't bond right away to my son and although I loved him quickly, my relationship now is so much stronger. Relationships take time.
Good luck! I'm sure things will be okay.

[court5505]

I have a friend who swears that she didn't bond with her bio son for the first year of his life, so I think it can happen to anyone and is normal.

[ContactChar]

I can relate to how you feel. I haven't had any bio children, but I have been concerned about my attachment to my ason, whom I brought home 6 weeks ago. I definitely love him, and think he is the bees knees, but I still don't feel as attached as I immediately felt to my Snugglebunny (whom I lost when her mom revoked consent). It feels a little awkward when people ask if I'm on cloud nine, because I am. . . and I'm not. I'm still waiting for birthfather's termination (which may not come for 6-8 months), so that could be a part of it.

Just wanted to say. . . I don't know if it's normal, but you're not alone!

Char

[susanandgrace]

I too have heard that this is normal to feel this way. Of course some can instantly bond, others may take a while.

I will pray that you start to bond more. Also, you may be holding back because of bmom having a month to "finalize" and sign her rights away.

and hugs.

Susan

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by poohbear1208

We were blessed to bring home our baby boy 2 weeks ago. Although I am thrilled we were blessed with this little angel, my attachment to him is not the same as it was with my 2 biological daughters. Can this be normal, or should I be concerned? I keep feeling like my bond with him should have been instant, but it's not. Am I a terrible mother, or is this just going to take some time? FYI, bmom hasn't signed papers yet due to a one month wait our agency imposes, so maybe in the back of my mind this is preventing me from truly bonding. I am just feeling so lost, and this is the only place I knew to come to. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

You're not alone. When I brought Hanna home, I felt like I was babysitting. I was so happy-yet I didn't really feel like I was her Mom. I kissed her and rocked her-and I liked her a lot. I thought she was fantastic. But I still didn't feel this overwhelming love like I had for my older daughter. My social worker doing the post-placement said this was completely normal. I remember it being a while before I said "I love you" in a spontaneous way and really meaning every word. It comes in time. Trust me. And I'm sure that waiting for the TPR of the birthparents rights is part of it. Waiting for the word that he is completely and 100% yours is hard. And it's normal to have that worry in the back of your head that you will fall in love and have your heart broken. You'll fall in love, anyway.

[jaenelle]

I was in love with Yuna from the moment I saw her photo, so I can't relate to your feelings at all. It seems VERY odd to me that you wouldn't be attaching, but everyone else has chimed in saying they felt the same as you, so I must be the odd one in how quickly I attached to Yuna.

ANYONE else out there who didn't have any attachment problems? It's making me feel very strange that I didn't.

[mommamarci]

Originally Posted by jaenelle

I was in love with Yuna from the moment I saw her photo, so I can't relate to your feelings at all. It seems VERY odd to me that you wouldn't be attaching, but everyone else has chimed in saying they felt the same as you, so I must be the odd one in how quickly I attached to Yuna.

ANYONE else out there who didn't have any attachment problems? It's making me feel very strange that I didn't.

I am with you. Attached immediately. However, if I had been waiting for revocation or rights to be TPR'ed, I might not have let myself. I have heard it is normal not to attach immediately. Don't worry about it. It will come.

[court5505]

I didn't have any problems, but I think every person and every situation is different.

[tomandcate]

I felt the same as Kati did with my first son - instant attachment from the second I laid eyes on him, and I couldn't imagine any parent not feeling the same immediate strong feelings.

With my new precious baby boy (who has now been home for almost a month), it has not been quite the same. My feelings for him grow stronger every day, but they were not the same immediate, all-consuming, earth-shattering feelings I had with the first adoption, and I too wondered if something was wrong with me.

I hope it helps you for those of us who understand to share our stories. In my case I think there are several reasons why attachment/bonding may not have been quite so instantaneous this time...(1) We got the call about him WAY before we thought we would...only days after getting approved and we had convinced ourselves that a second child would not come for 9-12 months at least. (2) We had to stay in a hotel/alternative living for almost 3 weeks awaiting ICPC, so it was difficult not being "home" and able to start our new life. I think this affected all of us more than we thought it would. (3) Having already adopted before, we were already "believers" - we knew that it would happen, that we would be parents again. The first time, it was all so unbelievable to me, as soon as I saw our first son I was just taken over by the miracle of it all. Ironically, back then, I wondered if my instant feelings for him were normal, because it almost didn't make sense how crazy in love with him I was! There are other factors too, things that I believe can affect how long it takes to bond/attach, but I just wanted to share a few of the ones I've been thinking about personally.

The bottom line is this - each of us is different, each of our kids is different. I'm not sure what "normal" is anymore, but what you are going through is common, and it's okay. Your feelings will grow day by day and pretty soon you will look into that beautiful face and you will not be able to fathom not loving that baby with all your heart.

Cate

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by mommamarci

I am with you. Attached immediately. However, if I had been waiting for revocation or rights to be TPR'ed, I might not have let myself. I have heard it is normal not to attach immediately. Don't worry about it. It will come.

Maybe this is partly why I was able to attach so easily. Not that there's NO risk even when TPR's have been signed, but I'm sure it's a lot less risky than when they aren't. We specifically wanted a situation where the baby was already born and the TPR's were already signed, and if we adopt again, I imagine that's all we'll be open to. There aren't too many of these situations around but they DO exist, as Marci and I are proof of.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by poohbear1208

We were blessed to bring home our baby boy 2 weeks ago. Although I am thrilled we were blessed with this little angel, my attachment to him is not the same as it was with my 2 biological daughters. Can this be normal, or should I be concerned? I keep feeling like my bond with him should have been instant, but it's not. Am I a terrible mother, or is this just going to take some time? FYI, bmom hasn't signed papers yet due to a one month wait our agency imposes, so maybe in the back of my mind this is preventing me from truly bonding. I am just feeling so lost, and this is the only place I knew to come to. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

I have not had any bio children. But with DS (#2) I had a harder time bonding with him for several reasons. First, the first few months were tough because he was very sick. He took LOTS of attention (not that any baby wouldn't but more than normal) and to me, he felt like a stranger (he was!!!). And because he needed all this attention, it took time away from my DD, who I was very bonded to (she was 27months when he was born). It felt like this "stranger" was keeping me from my DD. Everything literally changed overnight, unlike others who have lots of time to prepare. We all struggled.

Not only that, but the hospital experience was tough with his Mom struggling to make this very hard decision for her son. We just stayed out of the way, behind the scenes so when she decided in the end to place with us, again, it was sudden. She left and there we were, with this baby to care for. It was all just a shock I guess. And we really didn't breathe until the revoc was up because we knew what a struggle the decision had been for her. We weren't sure at all that she would decide to place in the end.

BUT even though the instant bonding didn't happen, my mother bear instinct was good to go from the beginning. He needed care and he got the best I had to give. As I look back, I can see how much over time, we willed ourselves to bond, did the extra hard work to make it happen. There is no doubt in my mind that he is my son now.

Be encouraged. Each experience is different.

[poohbear1208]

Thanks for all of your input. Your responses make me feel a lot better, that this really can be normal and does not mean that I am destined to be a terrible mother with this precious little boy. We have also been visiting with his birth mom on a once weekly, if not twice weekly, basis since taking him home, which I think is getting to be a bit much in these first few weeks. Every time I am with her I feel like I am the baby sitter and she is the mother. I think we just need time and a chance to come together as a family. Thanks so much for all of your responses. This whole experience is just so new to us- so many unexpected feelings, etc. Take care, Mandi

[akcskye]

My attachment is still getting there.

We have 2 wonderful children, ages 9 and 11 now...and I'd fight 'til the end, but many days, I still feel like a babysitter vs. mom...but then some days, I feel like a growling moma bear.

Ask yourself this...when you met your partner, you didn't attach to him right away (I know I didn't, it was "love at first sight", but the attachment came after months of dates and visits)...so, when you think of it that way, then how is it any different with a child with whom you've just been placed?