[BethAF]

My DH and I have been presented with a unique situation. Bmom is signing papers today. Her family did not know that she had a baby and she didn't even let the bdad to know she was pregnant. Bdad was a fling. He is a college student (an American citizen) who is studying abroad in Europe this semester. The agency attorney began trying to contact him early this week to inform him about the pregnancy, the birth, and bmoms plans for adoption.

So, here's my question... Has anyone dealt with bdads being out of the country? How does it work if he wants to relinquish his rights? Can it be done through fax or mail?

Thanks,
Beth

[Stormster]

There is soooo much to learn about this subject. It is very tricky and different in every state.

You should both educate yourself by reading the consent laws of the state in which your PBM lives and then talk to both your attorney AND call the state body that handles adoption consent.

Don't take it for granted that your attorney knows more than you do esp. if the adoption is out of state.

I can't tell you how many different stories we've heard and our heads are spinning. If you want to PM me and tell me the state I might have some good contacts for you.

In some ways the PBM situation is more clear! I have heard that father's rights are sometimes terminated in less than ethical ways. Make sure you do it right A. because it might come back later to haunt you and B. Doing the ethical thing always looks better in front of a judge if god forbid it comes to that.

[ab_gonna_adopt]

I can barely imagine the unspeakable horror of finding out that you have a child but (a) that fact was hidden from you, and (b) your child is being, or has already been, given away.

Maybe he's an upstanding guy who would love to father his offspring? Fling or not, he's just as much the child's birthparent as the mom, and he's been treated shabbilly by being left in the dark about his paternity. Who does this woman think she is making arrangements to give this man's child up for adoption without consulting him first?

No wonder there father's rights groups forming.

[BethAF]

We spoke with the agency a couple of hours ago. BDad is not out of the country. He was studying abroad last semester. Bmom signed papers today and the court date is set for 2 weeks. The lawyer has hired a constable to track down the bdad. They're very confident they'll find him b/c they know where he's going to college (out of state) and that he lives in our state (when he's not in school). When they find him, they'll inform him (by serving him papers) that he is a father to a 1 month old son. They'll inform him that bmom signed relinquishment papers. He'll be told about the upcoming court date. If he wants custody of the baby, he'll have to go to court and state that he wants custody. If that's the case, he'll be given custody that day. If he doesn't show up, then he'll lose his rights. He can also go to court on that date and officially sign relinquishment papers. In both cases, the baby will be legally free for adoption at that time.
However, if they can't locate him through the constable, they'll have to publish the adoption hearing in the newspaper. They'll set a court date for 3 weeks from the publication. If he doesn't show up for the hearing, his rights will be terminated and the baby will be free for adoption.

It's such a crazy situation. I feel bad for the mom b/c she has kept the pregnancy, birth, and the pending adoption from everyone. Obviously there are reasons for that.
I also feel bad for the dad because he has no idea that he's a father and is going to be informed in a very dramatic way.

However, I can't help but hoping that everything works out and we can adopt this baby. We've been waiting for so long and have gone through a lot of heartache.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I kind of can't help it.

[loveajax]

BethAF, I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Good luck!

[StorkWatcher]

Oh Beth. PLease keep us updated. Am wishing the best for you! This has to be hard on the bmom, too.

[MlynnBrrtt]

I think that it is horrific that fathers rights will be terminated after a publication in a paper. If he doesn't even know or suspect a pregnancy due to a womans deception how or why would he be looking for a publication in any random paper?

I think that is absalutley unethicle & should be made illegal. I think that no child should be made avaliable for adoption until a father has been identified, has been given the option to parent (if he is fit), & choses of his own free will to terminate his rights after being provided an atty & counseling like a pbmom would be offered. I think it is malicious and self serving for agency's & in some cases paparents to behave in such a way. This coming from someone who wishes to become a foster/adoptive mom in the future. That poor father.

[joskids]

I hate to burst anyone's balloon here, but sometimes there are very good reasons why a birthmother does not give the birthfather's name or inform him of the pregnancy. In a perfect world, there would never be a reason for doing that, but this is not a perfect world.

Josie

[AwaitingBeloved]

It is a tough situation, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason.

Good luck, Beth. Try to guard your heart for now. I can imagine how difficult that must be. This could be difficult for everyone, for sure.

Hang in there.

[browneyes0707]

I hope you don't mind me chining in but Josie is right. Without knowing the whole story it's hard to judge why the b dad wasn't told.

I know because for the first 4 months of my pregnancy, dealing with b dad was nearly impossible. One minute he was going to be "there" for me, the next he was accusing me of lying about the pregnancy, lying about paternity, etc. Then he'd apologize. Then he'd refused to take my calls. There was no real rational reason for his behavior, it was probably just that he was a very scared teenager in denial. After the last encounter with him, where he told me he never wanted to see me again and called me some choice words, (because I had to track him down, I was doubting my original plan to terminate but was too scared to tell him) I realized that I had to make a pregnancy plan without him. I just couldn't take the emotional roller coaster.

I never planned to keep the adoption from him, I originally was going to tell him after the birth, only so I had undeniable "proof" that he had a child (OK, I was a bit naive too) so he had to face it. But I was told bythe SW that I had to tell him, or they would. So I sucked it up and told him myself. Once the papers started to arrive, he had no choice but to believe what was happening. But it was the single most frightening moment to have to pick up that phone and tell him that I did not go through with the termination as I said I would. At the time I had no idea if I could have emotionally handled what his reaction would have been. I would have loved for him to have made the decision with me but you can only lead the horse to water. Sometimes there is only so much you can do, in the end it's up to that person to take action.

I know it's a bit different because at least I told him the pregnancy existed, but in his mind at the time I'm almost sure it didn't exist for him. And I don't condone my actions, especially since it hurt him very deeply (it was a rude awakening) and the ramifications could have put the adoption in jeopardy (something I did not realize when I first made my decision) As a result, I am very much for father's rights and honesty, But we don't really know this PBM's situation, so it's hard to judge her reasons why.

Beth: I really really hope this works for you. Everything does happen for a reason. Hang in and please let us know how it goes!

[DavidKed]

When they find him, they'll inform him (by serving him papers) that he is a father to a 1 month old son. They'll inform him that bmom signed relinquishment papers. He'll be told about the upcoming court date. If he wants custody of the baby, he'll have to go to court and state that he wants custody. If that's the case, he'll be given custody that day. If he doesn't show up, then he'll lose his rights. He can also go to court on that date and officially sign relinquishment papers.

Essentially, they are going to sabotage him in such a way as to make it very difficult for him to keep his child - ie. "Quick. Make a decision! Simply don't show up and your life stays the same. Otherwise, your life is instantly flipped upside down with zero time for you to plan. And, if possibly want to keep your child, you must come to a court and fight for these rights, which we hope intimidates the heck out of you. So buddy, what do ya say? Why dont we just make things easy on everyone? Who needs the hassle? "

The bmom should be incredibly ashamed of her behavior.

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by DavidKed

Essentially, they are going to sabotage him in such a way as to make it very difficult for him to keep his child - ie. "Quick. Make a decision! Simply don't show up and your life stays the same. Otherwise, your life is instantly flipped upside down with zero time for you to plan. And, if possibly want to keep your child, you must come to a court and fight for these rights, which we hope intimidates the heck out of you. So buddy, what do ya say? Why dont we just make things easy on everyone? Who needs the hassle? "

The bmom should be incredibly ashamed of her behavior.

David,

I completely agree with you, BUT I am also going to say that EVERYONE who benefits and goes along with this scenario should be ashamed of their behavior. I think it is appalling that the agency and any prospective adoptive parents would go along with this. Adoption is SUPPOSED to be about finding homes for children who NEED them, not finding ways to make children available for adoption to fill someone's empty arms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This man is being completely blindsided. Yes to all those who said we don't know all the facts and it is hard to judge, but what we know doesn't matter! The fact is this man doesn't know he is going to be a father, and if they even bother to find him, he will be completely blindsided and almost effectively coerced into relinquishment.

I am appalled and heartbroken for this man and HIS child.

[DavidKed]

Hi Isabo,

I have some thoughts on the subject but I don't want to hijack the thread or to use someone's difficult situation to make social commentary. I probably could have chosen my words better in my last post.

Speaking only to this specific situation - I hope the OP realizes that a man is about to get blindsided and that she treads very carefully. He is not an obstacle.

[sadiegirl]

To David and Isabo,

All I will say is that you have NO IDEA of what this pbmom's reasons are, so you have no right to judge her.

[DavidKed]

All I will say is that you have NO IDEA of what this pbmom's reasons are, so you have no right to judge her

Just curious, when do you think it is not shameful for a bmom to use deception to deprive a father of his child and to deprive a child of his father?