[swcg]

Hi all,

I wasn't really sure where to post this but thought this might be a good place to start.

For some background, my husband and I first started investigating adoption 3 years ago. To the best of our knowledge we are able to conceive, but adoption is something I have felt heavy on my heart since I was a child and seemed like a wonderful way to start the family we dreamed of.

After much research and discussion we had planned to pursue international adoption. 2 weeks before our first scheduled homestudy, DH was struck with a bad case of 'cold feet'. He could never explain why he had such a change of heart, just that he didn't feel ready to be a father (note he was 36 at the time, we have an otherwise stable marriage and household). Our adoption plans were put to the back burner. I was devastated, betrayed and heart broken.

Fast forward to a year and a half later. This past week has been the first time I have had the gumption to bring up the conversation of adoption again. The topic arose as my brother and his gf are considering reliniquishing their baby when he is born in 7 weeks' time. (We are obviously not prepared to pursue this as a-parents, but this is how the adoption subject came about after being dormant for so long).

The tension in the household has been almost tangible. I finally asked my husband 'why' he was not interested in adopting and got the brutally honest answer out of him that I have been waiting for... He would prefer to have his 'own' biological children and wants to try to conceive before pursuing adoption.

I am struggling with this all over again. I want children desperately but have always invisioned a diverse, multi-cultural family that I assumed would stem from adoption. I have no interest in ttc, but the 'biological clock' is ticking loud & clear.

Is it unusual for me to want adoption over bio children? How can I show my husband that he will love his son or daughter regardless of genetic ties? I am sure most a-fathers deal with this to an extent when experiencing infertility, but what about those who choose adoption first?

I will not manipulate or force my otherwise-wonderful DH into an adoption he does not want. I want no resentment harboured toward me or our child, but do not feel ready to give up my hopes of adoption. It's all rather confusing. Appreciate any thoughts you can share.

[susanandgrace]

Hi there!

This is something that you obviously need to discuss the two of you together. I believe you have to go into adoption either both wanting to move fwd or not at all. I mean, I can understand being nervous, etc...but if he truly does not want to adopt, then maybe (if you feel ok with having a bio) you should TTC for a while first. If that doesn't happen, he would probably be more open to the idea of adoption.

I do hope that you and your husband can come to an agreement that makes both of you feel at peace with.

Hugs.

Sue

[swcg]

Hugs muchly needed & appreciated, Sue.

I decided long ago that we would not pursue adoption if we were not both 100% committed to the process. Same would apply to bio children if that was a route either of us were interested in (and honestly, I'm not there yet because my heart is so tied to adoption). Still, I would rather live life with no children than to barge ahead with mediocre/mixed feelings.

What I find so hard to wrap my head around is that he seemed genuine about his intentions to adopt up until the homestudy. There was never mention of bio kids until today, largely because he knew I only wanted to adopt. Lots of lengthy talks coming our way...

I am probably voicing more thoughts here than necessary since he is not home to discuss this with at the moment and I needed to 'unload'. Thanks for listening.

[1971.mom]

SWCG,

Unloading is good-when thats what you need to do. The whole of examining your OWN feelings is very hard-then factor in DH feelings and you have a whole different story. Marriage is such a conglomerate of benefits and compromises on every level, wonderful and miserable at the same time-sometimes.

Myself and my DH went through our own "what if's" for about 3 months before we became engaged. Then Drs appts and information overload about our options for a BIO child.

We too could probably still pursure that as an option with very little rate of success. We flirted around, just having partial conversations for a long time, about
what we had learned. Then finally when the time was
necessary due to the tension in the air-sat down and
finished the conversation. We could try other things-like extensive surgery for me to reverse tubal and
then medications and treatments-or IVF which could result in multiples-yikes! But then what if no success
-all the money gone and still no child. We agreed
adoption would be out best route. Five years in the
planning -we find ourselves here-reaching out for support-as we move forward.

We still encounter difficulties in processing input from other family members-and the mixed feelings we sometimes get of -for example- we went shopping last night and purchased a baby bed-walking among all of the protruding bellies with proud papa's alongside. We
got no "funny looks"- but did have funny feelings-we
were different-and thats ok.

Maybe you guys need to sit down and re-hash your
own possibilities. Does adopting now mean to BIO
child later? Does a BIO child mean no adopted child
later? Are you even capable of having one later?
Maybe with that reassurance hubby will be comfortable
moving forward with the adoption. TALK TO HIM.
As his wife you should know when the time is right to
approach him-GOOD LUCK!

[Linny]

Like you, I always wanted to adopt..and having bio kids was something I couldn't have cared less about. Dh knew this while we dated, and felt the same way...and for awhile, we just figured we'd not have kids at all......but then when there was a 'scare' of being pregnant a couple of years into our marriage (and I wasn't pg)........we talked about adoption again.
We've always figured we could have had bio kids....but this wasn't our thing. In fact, after our second adoption, we guaranteed to not ever have bio kids.

At any rate, this kind of thinking (adoption over bio) is usually NOT the norm...and there are some places and people who will have a hard time understanding your choice for this, because bio is such a big deal to them.
I say all of this, because these are the same types of ideas and comments that can/could cause your dh to re-consider the option of adoption. And, going through the steps to adopt---are MUCH harder than getting pregnant and giving birth.
Now someone with fertility issues may not believe this, and that's something else, but going through a homestudy, going through the constant scrutiny of 'whether you'll be good parents' from a cw'er or agency or whomever. Having to often give write ups to agencies annually, etc......and listening to people talk about 'how adopted kids never feel complete' or that 'they'll never feel like yours', etc.....
ALL of these things can seem a bit overwhelming...and could easily lead anyone to thinking, 'Gads, I'll just go ahead and have kids biologically, and I won't have to deal with all of that stupid stuff!!!!!"

Like the others have said, talk to your dh...get to the bottom of this. You've said that you won't force the issue with him, and that's good--as you already know. As far as your dream? Keep talking to him. You really can't go any further with either option, until you both know how you honestly feel.
But, in those honest conversations, will come out the final decision of what to do. Adoption may very well be something you'll want to consider down the road, if biology is that important to him. But, I'd also explore the idea of the intrusiveness of the adoption procedure. (Frankly, I find the process INSANE in some ways....)

But of course, once you talk and come to an agreement of which direction to take, the road will become much clearer and you'll know what to do.

My best to you.....

Sincerely,

Linny

[akcskye]

I think it also depends upon the type of adoption you're pursuing, as well.

I know you said international...is this still your same invisioned path?

In my husband and I's situation, foster to adopt, we were drug along wondering if we'd EVER get matched...as we were not biological parents...and a lot of children in the foster system NEED people who HAVE been moms and dads first.

I can see both points of view, honestly.

However, the one thing you both agree on is that you want a family.

So...perhaps offer a compromise. Explain to your husband you'd be willing to TTC, and you'd like him to be willing to pursue adoption at the same time, and go that route as well, and whatever comes first, was meant to be.

Just seems to me to be the logical conclusion with what you've said here.

Best of luck!

[rtsmom]

Originally Posted by swcg

I will not manipulate or force my otherwise-wonderful DH into an adoption he does not want. I want no resentment harboured toward me or our child, but do not feel ready to give up my hopes of adoption.

Why not both?

We had two bio kids before our two adoptive sons came into our lives. I don't think either of you have to give up your heart's desire. :-)

Janet

[rredhead]

Hi,
I know this is late (I was experiencing technical difficulties), but I wanted to reply because I too chose adoption first.
I knew I wanted to adopt when I was 13 and saw the Romanian orphans on 20/20. I decided I had no desire to be pregnant, especially when there were babies and children who were already here and needed parents.
Now, one of the books I read (Is Adoption for You? by Christine Adamec) said that this was a BAD reason to want to adopt. However, I wanted to have children, I just didn't want to birth them from my body, so, I disagree with that part of the book. This book is a really great read, and useful for discussion. I highly recommend reading it, and then giving it to your husband to read. Really. There are some great discussion questions, and it will help you to learn more about the invasiveness of adoption, as Linny put it.
(BTW: Linny, I never knew you adopted as a first choice too!)
DH & I dated for almost 7 years before he proposed, and I know one of the reasons was I was adamant about not having bio children. I just didn't see a reason to do it, didn't want to, began researching adoption at an early age, etc. Ultimately, he decided that having me as a wife was more important to him than having a bio child.
Now, as "luck" would have it, I ended up hurting myself in such a way that I have a minor disability and am on meds that would make pregnancy inadvisable anyway.
If you both want children, and you both think that you would be good parents, then I think you should talk about this and find a solution. I have very good friends where the wife is so passionate about having kids, that she fears talking about it with her husband because she doesn't want to unduly influence him. Thank God, their ttc for 5 years finally produced a beautiful little one. Still, she wants a little girl...
While I do think it is easier to begin the process biologically - that is, to say "Hey, let's be parents!", have sex, and conceive a child - I think that pregnancy and birth are very analogous to the adoption process in terms of stress, emotion, and to a certain extent, invasiveness. Of course, birthing your own child I do believe is easier than waiting to find out if the child you just saw born will really be yours... I don't know of any experience that compares to that. That's rough, to put it mildly.
I hope that I've somehow helped.
Good luck!

[nikkianni]

I guess I'm coming late to this one too.
I too have always wanted to adopt. I told my Mom when I was six years old that my babies would be adopted and I've always felt that way. I have just KNOWN, very strongly that adoption is what is meant for me.
DH not so much. When we met, I was honest about my plans. Single or married, I was going to adopt. The poor man thought I'd change my mind and I know he had to do some soul searching when after four years I hadn't. When he proposed, I accepted but privately worried that the issue of children would be a mountain of a problem.
Not long after we got engaged, DH sat me down and explained that after a lot of thought and prayer, he'd come to realize that what he wanted more than anything was to marry me and have children. Not to marry me and have me give BIRTH to children. He says to this day he doesn't know what took him so long to realize that.
Now when our adoption phone rings, he's the first one to jump up. He's also the first person to explain to people why we've decided to adopt. It warms my heart to hear him tell someone that our baby will be our baby, biology is just genes.
They do have changes of heart, but they have to come to it on their own.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by swcg

He would prefer to have his 'own' biological children and wants to try to conceive before pursuing adoption.

You may succeed in changing his mind, but you're not only bucking a million years of gut instinct that's driving his choice, you're also bucking thousands of years of cultural norms.

I think that maybe men think about this differently from women. A lot of men I know feel that things like carrying on a family name and bloodline are important. A big part of what they want from having children is the sense of immortality that comes from knowing your genes will live on after you die. It's one thing to give that up involuntarily because you're unable to have children for whatever reason. That can be blamed on fate or random misfortune. To choose not to have bio children when you want them - that's a much bigger leap.

In any case, as others have said, you could do both, if you're both willing. I hope you can find a solution that makes both of you happy.

[akcskye]

You know, Joe brings up a good point.

Perhaps your husband is pushing for bio because perhaps in the recesses of his mind, he feels he will be viewed as "inadequate" or a "failure" in being able to "create" a baby.

Men do think differently about this situation than we ladies do.

I am fortunate that my husband couldn't care less...I wanted children, and eventually, he came on board.

For us, though the trying was fun *wink* at first...after you experience miscarriage after miscarriage...well...you begin to focus on what's important...the child, not the pregnancy.

For your situation, wanting adopted first...perhaps he's feeling that his associates will automatically assume he can't make a baby, perhaps making him appear as less of a man to him, and that's why he wants bio.

Food for thought, anyway.