[mommy2b...again]

Posting our shame here for all to comment...

Our homestudy was denied by our social worker based on one 1.5 hour interview in her home and collection of $900.00. She didn't even call to tell us; we called her when we hadn't heard from her in almost 4 weeks.

Background:

My husband had 2 duis 15 yrs ago, did not show on our court documents nor on our fbi prints. He has been sober ever since, went thru dui education/support thru our state as mandated to obtain his license. The social worker would have never known had we not be up front and honest about it. We gave her copies of the class notes and waited and waited, no call from her. I had my husband call today to see if we could go on with the interviews. She stated that she couldn't proceed with the approval and she had dreaded to call us to tell us. She didn't like the comment my husband made during the interview that he was under alot of stress at the time and that was why he drank and unfortunately decided to drive. She stated she was afraid that he would drink again when he was under stress. She said she knew that she wasn't going to approve us from the initial interview.

What makes me mad is that she didn't have the professionalism to tell us that day. And she collected her $900.

I'm so sad that I'll never have a daughter and to think of the many children who are abused day in and day out that I see; I guess we will be paying forever for our past. We will never be good enough.

Thanks everyone for the support.

[oleson1]

I guess I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Being sober for 15 years is a pretty big feat -- we have all made mistakes in our youth.

The part that makes me the most uncomfortable with the situation is that she knew that she wasn't going to approve you, but wouldn't tell you so. She made you wait and call her after such a long time. I would ask to talk to a supervisor, if for no other reason, you need clarification and to know what protocol is in situations such as these.

[joskids]

I agree. How can ONE social worker decide you're not fit to parent. Generally, in cases like this, and they DO come up more than rarely . . . the person with the "issue" in your case, DH with a past history that does not reflect on his current situation, would be asked to write a letter of explanation if the DUI showed up on fingerprints. Otherwise, I can't agree that you should not be approved. I'd first go to a supervisor at this agency and then check with other agencies what their policies are (without identifying myself, obviously). 15 years ago is a long time. 15 years ago I was doing things I wouldn't want people in my life today to know about either. Geesh!!!!

Josie

[knudsons]

We went through 2 agencies before finding our third and they thought that that all our past stupidities over 10 years old were learning experiences. Move on sorry about teh $900 ours was $1500 each but save up some funds and find another agency. Tell your husband to rephrase his honesty next time. I was young and stupid and learned a lesson and that's why it hasn't happened in 15 years and won't again. PM for more advice

[rsbg]

I agree with the prior posts, 15 years was a LONG TIME AGO! I think you should try another agency as well. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are good enough so don't give up!

[dawnrenee58]

I know someone who is a convicted felon and just finalized an adoption. Don't ask me how, because I have NO CLUE but I do know they had a heck of a time finding someone to approve a homestudy. Your situation seems to pale in comparison! Call other places and inquire about their acceptance/denial qualifications. Some may even have them listed on the Net.

Where there is a WILL there is a WAY to your baby! Don't give up!

[kelceesmom]

I believe that what happened 15 years ago was a huge learning lesson for you all. On top of it you were honest when it wasn't going to show up on any documents. Good for though you needed to be. I hope you can move on to another agency to get a homestudy done. I know there is one out there who will approve you.

[time2grow]

Can you not appeal the decision??? I wouldn't give up just yet. Request a meeting with the SW and her supervisor to discuss the situation at hand. Like others have said if you don't get anywhere with this agency, move on to a different one.

[mommy2b...again]

Thanks everyone for the positive comments.

The sw we were using owns her own business, therefore, she is the only one. Her direct comment to my husband and I is that her "gut instinct", before she met us, was to not approve us and, therefore, she won't. I feel that she made up her mind before she ever met us.

As I said, we provided all the paper work, never heard from her, and she told us at the first interview that her final decision woud be made after interviewing each of us individually, including our children, as well as our references. She did none of this. She never bothered to tell us until we called her after 4 weeks of silence and her only comment was that she dreaded to call us and tell us. She should have had the professionalism to make that statement at the first meeting; not four weeks later when put on the spot.

We weren't sure if we could go to another agency since this sw denied us. I'm glad to hear the positive comments from everyone. We are going to try to find another agency.

Thanks.

[sunflower1220]

PErsonally, (though I don't know if it's proveable or possible) I think she basically scammed you and should be reported to the BBB after all she said she pretty much knew she wasn't going to approve you even before she met you, there, IMO, is something majorly wrong with that.

[DebCsMom]

My Husbands sister & her husband were also denied a homestudy approval. They used the same Agency we used & even had the SAME SW! The SW told her that because of her childhood she felt she had "issues" that needed to be resolved. My husband lived the same childhood but he had it worse. We were approved with NO PROBLEMS!!!

SIL & her DH went to another agency & were approved. Within a couple of weeks they were matched & a couple weeks later had a beautiful Daughter!!!!

DOn't give up because of one person & her "gut feelings"! That is ridiculous!

Deb

[Linny]

I think the suggestion Sunflower gave you is a good one. Seems this woman scammed you, by taking the money and basically---running!

Don't hesitate to find another agency. We were turned down by our past agency because we had had a failed older child adoption. (The kid was arrested and convicted for his behavior and we would not allow him to live in our home due to those behaviors. The 'system' allowed us to sign him back over because he was so sick and dangerous.)
And even though our past agency knew ALL of the ends and outs of that situation---even that the system even agreed he was too dangerous to live with our other children....they STILL believed they did not want to 'continue with us'.
And.....much like your situation....they didn't have the nerve to keep in touch....we had to keep calling and presenting letters to support our reasons and all.....and we now feel they knew months before they actually 'decided'. (Again, like yours, based on ONE person's bias!)
But, no sweat. And you shouldn't 'sweat it' either! We found another agency THAT DAY. They came out to update our homestudy--completed it in record time-----we started submitting to various agencies/attorneys (in October) and in December we brought home a newborn baby boy!

There ARE other agencies. There are professional people out there...and do NOT LET THIS DREAM DIE!

This is a bump in the road. Don't let it be a roadblock for your dream and your lives! It can still happen!

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by mommy2b...again

...her "gut instinct", before she met us, was to not approve us and, therefore, she won't.

If she's making these kinds of life-altering decisions solely on the basis of gut instinct without seeing any evidence one way or the other, she not only owes you a refund of the $900 you paid for a going-through-the-motions study, she really shouldn't even be in the business she's in. What she's calling "gut instinct" could more properly be called "bias." It's called a home study because the person doing it is supposed to do some research about you, not just find some tidbit of evidence to justify her first impression.

At a minimum, if she knew she wasn't going to approve you, she had an ethical obligation to tell you immediately and not begin the study and collect a check.

[mommy2jillian]

I agree that you are being messed over here... I would call another agnecy and tell them before you even interview your situation and see what they say. Ask them if prior DUI 15 yrs ago and 15 yrs of being clean will affect the H.S. and that you relaize they have to interview you before final decision is made but that you don't want to waste more money if they are going to be one sided. We changed agencies after we went to talkto one and she asked how we were going to "finance" the adoption and we told her that we woudl get loans and use credit cards and she told us "No way will you have a baby if that is how you are going about it. You need to re-evaluate you financial situation first"... I was so mad and felt VERY judged... I called another agency and told her staright out what we planned and she said "Well honey unless you have 20 to 35 thousand in your pocket I don't know any other way to pay for it"... I was so comforted and she was very sad that a fellow agency woudl be so RUDE and judgmental... We now have a daughter that is almost 5 yrs old.... and she came 4 months after that converstation. Good Luck!!!!

[PasoJen]

So sorry for what you are going through!

I'm so glad you posted this because my husband has a very old DUI conviction and I never imagined it would be that much of an issue for domestic adoption. We'll have to consider how we talk about that.

I agree that this sw owes you some money back. She told you all of the meetings and phone interviews she was going to conduct for that $900 and at a minimum she should prorate that $900 for the activities she did not complete. But go for getting all of it back, it can't hurt. BBB is a superb place to start. Good luck!!