[035568]

My husband and I are on the waiting list to adopt and something has happend that I'm worried will decrease our chances of receiving a child. You see, I was arrested for a DUI, but just barely over legal limit. We already had our home study several months ago, but we will have to renew after a year if we don't get our baby. Has anyone else had this problem? This is not the norm for me, but I felt fine and didn't even feel tipsy that night, but the cop pulled me over and arrested me. He followed me out of the parking lot. I don't even drink that much hardly ever, but just bad timing I guess. Has anyone been turned down in their home study because of this???? I'm very worried that one mistake may cost me everything.

Sincerely,
VERY CONCERNED

[waiting4amiracle]

IMHO I'd be less worried about your renewal and more concerned about disclosing it to the agency who did your home study now. If you haven't already done so I'd let them know about the arrest, the circumstances and give them all the facts up front. Better they find out from you now than in the follow up. The potential is there for it to appear as though you were trying to hide it which could potentially have a more devastating effect than the arrest itself.

I've not been down this road and dont' know anyone who has BUT I have to believe candor with the agency is most important.

Good luck - we'll be praying for you.

[thornbird]

I agree with Rob. I don't have any experience with this, but I also think being candid with your agency is your best bet. If it is the sort of thing that will keep you from being able to adopt (and I don't know whether it is), you're better off dealing with it now rather than, say, having a placement & being told you can't finalize because it came to light in your post-placement study.

Good luck to you.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree you must foolow up on this now before you even get a baby. It would be heartbreaking to get a baby and have that looming over your head the whole time. It would prevent you bonding with baby and may very well cause you too loose baby if they found out on their own.

Some lessons in life are tough. What if you hadn't been caught by the cop....but rather hit someone and killed them. You would have a lot more on your mind to worry about. I say be honest....and learn from your mistakes....and NO MORE DRUNK DRIVING!!!!

[time2grow]

Tell your agency!!! Be honest and upfront with them about what happened. They will likely have more respect for you for being honest then they would if they found out second hand - don't give them any more of a reason to doubt you.

[kelceesmom]

Definately let your agency know what happened. If they are told upfront and have some compassion they might be more opt to help you get through this. Murphy's Law, what you hide will be found out.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by kelceesmom

Murphy's Law, what you hide will be found out.

DUI's come up when you get your fingerprints..but the fingerprints are usually valid for two years so they aren't redone for a homestudy update. Chances are the agency wouldn't find out unless your case was in the newspaper (as public record). This is SUCH a tough position to be in. I truly feel for you. Have you been to court yet? Maybe your attorney will be able to fight the case in court and you won't have a record. People do win DUI cases. Having the "arrest" isn't important if the charges are later dismissed. You wouldn't have a record. In your shoes, I would be a basketcase worrying so I would probably just fess up and call the agency to say I was talking to an attorney to see about having the charges dismissed and ask how that could potentially affect a placement. That way you aren't saying "I was driving drunk and got arrested", you're saying "It's possible that there was a mistake and I'll be found not guilty". Just ask them "Worse case scenario, what will my situation be like". They don't have to divulge a DUI to the birthparents. Birthparents accept that the homestudy was complete and okay in the agency's eyes. It's really going to be up to the individual agency to decide if they would place a baby in your home.

[BrandyHagz]

I’ll try not to ruffle to many feathers – but this topic is something I can’t just not respond to – especially given recent responses.

I grew up with a mom who ‘didn’t drink very much’ and got a DWI and couldn’t understand because she ‘hadn’t had that much and didn’t feel drunk’.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem – she still drinks and she doesn’t think she has a problem either – even though she drinks beer with her breakfast and sips whiskey all day long.

To her, she isn’t drinking much.

To most people – she’d be drinking them under the table.

I urge you to get help – drinking ANY amount and getting behind the wheel is irresponsible and dangerous.

I’m not saying you won’t make a good parent or that you shouldn’t adopt – but you NEED to address this first, instead of worrying about a way to cover it up (another sign of a problem).

[bagletkt]

I have to say I agree with Brandy. I don't know if pretending like you did not do anything wrong is going to help you. You need to take responsibility for what you did.

Brandy,

My dad is also an alcoholic. He had 23 DUI's before he was put in jail. Luckily nobody else was ever hurt when he would drink and drive. We have lived our whole life hearing excuses. Nothing will change until they are honest with themselves.

[035568]

I appreciate what you all have to say, but I will say this...I am NOT an alcoholic and I'm not just saying that and to be honest with you, I don't even allow it to come into my house by me or my husband. I made one mistake and yes I do take full responsibility. I don't drink alcohol for breakfast, lunch, etc....I may have one or two a YEAR tops and the thing is, I am diabetic which can also increase my acetones and cause the breathalyzer to register higher and yes, I do have a lawyer, a very good one. I do look down upon drunk drivers and regret that I even had anything to drink that night. It was New Year's Eve and my husband bought me 2 drinks and that's it! I honestly didn't think anything of it and passed all the other tests, said my ABCs, etc. I remember every word that was said, etc. One key factor here is that I was eating in the car and it made me swerve a little and that's when they pulled me over. I haven't even had any alcohol since then and don't even desire to have any alcohol. I don't have a problem, but made 1 mistake that I regret, so please do not put me in a category with an alcoholic. I"m just very worried because we have waited so long for a child and I see people who don't deserve children get them and I know we would be great parents!

[Oliver1]

Sorry, I don't agree that we should be pointing our fingers and branding the OP: "Alcoholic, get some help! You're in denial! You clearly have a problem because I know someone who had a problem who did the same thing!" I don't think that's helpful or called for.

That's a HUGE leap from one post. Everyone's situation is different. I don't know her at all, so I certainly don't feel comfortable telling her she's an alcoholic in denial who needs help! (Although I completely agree that no one should drive after drinking if there is any question whatsoever on their state of mind.)

That said, I agree with those who advised to talk to your agency and be very up front about it and see what they think.

I'm sorry you are going through this!!

[myccg2004]

I do not think that getting 1 DUI makes you an alcoholic like the original poster is obviously being compared to. I do think driving drunk is irresponsible and dangerous but it doesn't mean there's a deeper problem. The person went out, had a few drinks, drove home and ended up with a DUI. I know people that this has happened to. Thankfully, noone was hurt. Should it mean they need to enter AA? In some cases yes, in some no. Let's not judge anyone without ALL the facts. Even then, let's be careful of judging. I do not think she is trying to pretend the incident didn't happen. Maybe she is realizing that what happened was not good and may have an effect on an adoption. I hope that is not the case for her because EVERYONE makes mistakes.

[BrandyHagz]

035568,

I am sorry - I realize my post was harsh and I wasn't saying you were an alcoholic - but I do think you need to fess up and face the music - you made a decision to get behind the wheel after you drank and you need to be honest with your agency about that.

You said this was new years? I personally think you may be doing MORE damage by not disclosing this NOW (actually as soon as it happened)...how much trust can your agency have in you and your word?

Also, I believe (I know ours did) your Homestudy Agreement/Contract says that you are REQUIRED to disclose/report changes that impact your status/life - so, waiting for an update may also not look good for you.

Also, what if you get a placement from a state that has a one year waiting period? What if you decide not to disclose, you get a placement then when you are required to do the update to finalize - your agency decides they don't wish to continue to work with you?

Think about how this will all look in a month/year - you're lying by omission - and homestudy workers don't look fondly on lying.

[035568]

Thank you MyCCG!!! You are correct. I'm not trying to cover up anything and never intended to. I'm just not sure what to do or how to handle it. I got on the phone and told my mother immediately. I'm extremely honest and sometimes, too honest for my own good. I go to court soon and my lawyer even told me that it was refreshing to have someone like me there because he's used to all the idiots that come in there and don't learn their lesson.

[BrandyHagz]

Ok - I don't want to start an argument - but I see countless threads on these forums made by hopeful adoptive parents who deem a birthparent 'unfit' because they have a DUI...so why is this situation different?

I am wondering - what is the difference between a birthparent with a DUI and an adoptive parent with a DUI - really, I wonder...because if this post were an aparent who was fighting a contested adoption and using a birthparents DUI is proof that the parent was unfit - many adoptive parents jump RIGHT on that bandwagon...I've seen it often here on the forums.

Gah - I hate the double standard!

(I AM NOT SAYING THIS POSTER IS UNFIT! I am responding ONLY to the comment that One DUI doesn't make someone bad...)