[Katherine4]

I would like to adopt an infant domestically. I am open to adopting a child of any race/ethnicity.

I am completely new to the adoption world and am just beginning to get a sense of how the process typically works. The usual process, as I understand it, involves potential adoptive parents writing a letter to the birthmother and then the birthmother selecting the adoptive parents that she likes best.

Here is my question: Do the adoptive parents have any control over the selection process? In other words, can they meet the birthmothers in the hopes of getting a feeling about which birthmother would be the best match for them? I'm big on intuition and gut feelings and I'd love the opportunity to meet the birthmothers to see if I get a strong sense that a particular match is "meant to be". And if this is possible would I then be able to cater a letter to that specific birthmom?

Thank you so much and please forgive my ignorance if this is a stupid question.

Katherine

[kelceesmom]

I have not heard of the baparents doing the intitial chosing of an emom. I think that would be hard for you to "interview" an emom because you have no idea where she may live, but you could get lucky and she live in the next county.

Your control over the selection process would be that when you speak with your sw and go through the process of getting everything prepared you let them know what kind of emom you are looking for. They try to match both parties with their criteria. So let's say you are wanting an emom who is of your religion they will try and find an emom with that same criteria.

I would definately not let possible matches go because you weren't not able to meet them face to face right away. We didn't meet our bparents until a month before our daughter was born. We were in contact for a couple months by phone and got know to them that way. They lived 6 hours away.

In the end it is up the emom if she is wanting to meet you because she is the one placing. It is about them, as it should be, they are making the greatest sacrifice in their lives IMO. Good luck in your journey.

[billysmommy]

Welcome Katherine! First of all, let me say that NO question is a stupid question. If we don't ask, we may never know........

I think I understand what you are asking.....
Generally, an expectant mom will choose a profile (or multiple profiles) and then ask for a phone call or meeting with the prosepctive adoptive parents. The ball is in her court as for choice of parents for her child. However, once you meet with the expectant mom, and if you did not feel that "connection", you have every right to refuse the match if it doesn't feel right to you. Now that said, it may depend on your agency or attorney's policy regarding that as far as fees, etc.

There is a lot of emphasis on what an emom wants and is looking for in adoptive parents, but IMO it is just as important for the prosepctive parents to screen carefully, particularly if it is going to be an open adoption. Once the placement occurs and the initial excitement wears off , this will be a person (or people) that you will have a relationship with for at least the next 18 years.

Good Luck to you

[Katherine4]

Thank you so much for your replies, Denice and Billy's Mom!! I appreciate your taking the time.

Just to explain myself further, I wouldn't think of a meeting with a birthmom as an "interview". I would just want to meet her and get a feeling about her. I don't have a specific criteria in mind. I would just want to feel a certain connection with her, if you know what I mean -some sense of familiarity even though we may come from very different background.

I just don't feel that comfortable with the idea of having no control over the process. It's a life changing matter that is so enormous that I don't feel comfortable leaving it solely in the hands of a social worker or, for that matter, solely in the hands of a birthmom who will be making a decision based on a letter I've written.

Are there certain agencies out there that you know of that would be more apt to want to accomodate me in this way? How about Gladney? (I only ask about Gladney because it's the only agency I can remember by name.)

Thanks, again!! And, Billy's mom, that's a good point about having a relationship with the birthmom for a very long time.

-Katherine

[xillini]

Katherine, You may wait 2 weeks to 2 years for your child to come home to you. Please be prepared to sometimes not have control- it is a part of the process. I tell you this b/c the last few weeks before my son was born were crazy for me b/c I had NO control. There were some scary moments for me when I though bmom was changing her mind. (she didn't, she was having a hard time coming to terms w/ everything- as she had every right to) You will not have control over an emom's decision- she can change her mind anytime up until emom & edad sign the final papers. Perhaps an agency that chooses the ap's would work best for you- do a lot of research on agencies and the laws in you state. Good luck!

[ajrl]

Katherine:

I think it is hard on all of us as in some way or another we are all "controlling people".

With that said and not meaning to sound harsh, but the reality is that a pbmom chooses us. Whether you have an agency assisted adoption or a private adoption the pbmom chooses us.

I have said yes to the 2 pbmoms that we matched with. If you are with an agency like it was stated earlier they will normally have you talk to the bmom. If you do not feel a connection w/ her, you are always welcomed to say no....

Just be real with yourself and know deep down what you are really looking for in a child and what kind of relationship you want with the pbmom and her family.

Lets say that the pbmom wants monthly visits. Are you willing to do that? I am only stating that as there have been a few from our agency that have asked for that. I do not mind visits but I can not agree to monthly. So I would turn down that pbmom. And w/ that I would choose not to procede w/ the adoption.

I hope this helps. Good luck in your journey there will be many ups and downs and many days you do not have any control.

AJ

[ContactChar]

Katherine,

I think it depends on your search method. I have been searching both independently and through an agency. With the agency, I have no real control over the selection. I gave them my criteria, and they present me to potential birth moms who fit those criteria and whose criteria I fit.

In my independent search, I have the opportunity (and burden) to be more picky. I have had a couple of situations where I met with the expectant mom and just didn't have a good feeling about the situation; therefore I declined to move forward with them. With that said, I have also had at least one situation where I didn't have a good feeling, but I moved forward anyway. . . desperation can make you take chances you never thought you would! (That situation ended in a failed match, so I guess it was just as well.)

Just to let you know. . . while it sounds great to be able to pick the relationship, it is actually REALLY hard to tell a person who is in a crisis situation that you are not going to be able to help. It's even harder to tell a person who wants you to raise their child that you don't want to (when you want more than anything to raise a child). Still, if you want to have some sense of control over the relationships that will deeply affect your life, it could be worth it. (jury's still out!).

Good luck with your search.

Char

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by Katherine4

I would like to adopt an infant domestically. I am open to adopting a child of any race/ethnicity.

I am completely new to the adoption world and am just beginning to get a sense of how the process typically works. The usual process, as I understand it, involves potential adoptive parents writing a letter to the birthmother and then the birthmother selecting the adoptive parents that she likes best.

Here is my question: Do the adoptive parents have any control over the selection process? In other words, can they meet the birthmothers in the hopes of getting a feeling about which birthmother would be the best match for them? I'm big on intuition and gut feelings and I'd love the opportunity to meet the birthmothers to see if I get a strong sense that a particular match is "meant to be". And if this is possible would I then be able to cater a letter to that specific birthmom?

Thank you so much and please forgive my ignorance if this is a stupid question.

Katherine

Hi and Welcome Katherine,

I haven't read the other replies so forgive me if I'm being redundant.

The short answer: Of course you can decide whether you're prepared to parent anyone's expected child, and you're free to walk away from any situation that you do not feel you're right for.

Many paparents are afraid to do this, fearing that it's their 'one and only chance' to adopt: Nothing is farther from the truth. We are proof: we walked away from an eparent who wanted us to parent her child because we simply felt we could not handle the complications in her life. It just wasn't a connection. She was surprised, as her child would be considered 'desirable' by many. In the end it worked out though: she did find aparents for her child who she really 'clicked' with and we went on to connect with our son's bfamily.

The process is not quite as you understand it, of course. Paparents do write a 'dear expectant parent' letter which may be left with their agency & attorney along with a photo album for any expectant parents who come in and wish to see them. There are also a number of activites paparents can undertake to 'network' towards finding the right connection for them. PM me if you'd like suggestions.

It is in fact normal (and in some states required) for eparents and paparents to meet, often more than once before a connection is agreed on and continuously after that depending on the level of openness agreed to.

For now, I'd recommend you head to your library or bookstore and check out books like:

The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Molina
Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year by Randall Hicks
Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber

Best,

Regina

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Katherine,
I would imagine there are agencies that allow this practice, but I've not encountered any myself. I would say, the only control a paparent has in adoption is chosing whether or not to accept a match. And, when you accept a match, it's with the understanding that the expectant parents can change their mind at any time prior to signing those forms, and sometimes even after if it's within the state's revocation of consent period. Each state has it's own laws. Whenever we were presented with a situation, we googled the state and adoption law and usually it brought us back to the legal section of this site and we'd look at that prior to even conversing with an expecting parent. The reason for this, is because we'd already been through so much, we knew we were not willing to accept the risk of a state with a long revocation period.

So that was our first move. And we were matched with several women prior to our DD's arrival. So I would say prepare for failed matches. I think they're more common than not. The agency we worked with did a wonderful job at helping the pbparents they worked with really think about what they were doing and helped them find parenting resources, etc. While we waited, this drove us nuts, we feared we'd never be matched with anyone who would actually relinquish. However, in hindsight, once DD was born, we were so much better off konwing that her bparents were given every opportunity for counseling and that they thought long and hard about their decision. So when DD was born and came home with us, we knew it was right and it was the real thing and that our dreams came true. And we were grateful for all the agency did and offered to her bparents because we had peace with this knowing it was ethical. That is very important after placement, for everyone. I did not anticipate any guilt at all, but lo and behold, it hit me like a ton of bricks when DD was born. It took some time to reconcile those feelings. I can only imagine how much worse they would have been if our agency didn't work so hard for the expectant parents they work with.

Anyway, you will have control as far as whether or not you want to accept a match. And I strongly encourage you to really investigate your feelings and decide what you would be able to live with. For example, if you're open to a multiracial family, if you're open to a multiple pregnancy placement, if you're open to drug exposure, cigarrette exposure, bfamily health issues, etc.

There were a slew of the above mentioned that we were comfortable with. There were some bfamily genetic disorders we were not open to. Some health conditions we were not open to.

Then.. you have to remember, that often times the information you get is only as good as the pbparents word. DD's bparents are awesome. But they were as terrified as we were that this would fall through. There were some things we did not learn until after placement, and some things that we learned after consents were signed, and some things we've learned post finalization. They were afraid we'd run. So far, there was one thing that had it been presented to us up front, we probably would have felt too afraid to parent her. However, luckily, it seemed to have been meant to be for us to be her parents and ironically, we can't imagine anyone else parenting her the way we'd want her to be parented for this "thing."

Sorry to be so vague, but there are some things that are just too personal...

Anyway, just remember to guard your heart. I didn't hear about guarding my heart until after it got smooshed a couple times. Be excited, but don't be surprised if it's a rollercoaster. Just stay in your seat till the ride ends. ;-) Then one day I'm sure you'll look back on even the most difficult times and like us you'll remember even those times fondly.

Best wishes in your journey.

[Katherine4]

I want to thank you all so much for your detailed, thoughtful replies. This sort of first hand information is really valuable in filling in the gaps for me, and giving me some important things to think about.

Susan, I understand that they'll be no control over the timing. I can live with that! What makes me feel really uncomfortable is having so little control over the matching part of the process. Having said that, I don't really know the details of how the process works. Are paparents on a list and if they refuse a match they get bumped to the bottom of that list? You said, "perhaps an agency that chooses the ap's would work best for you." Can you elaborate on this, Susan? What type of agency are you referring to? Thanks!

AJ, I hear you about the "controlling" thing, and I'm not denying that that's me. But, I can't imagine anyone not wanting as much control as possible over such a momentous thing. I realize, though, that I'm going to have to be willing to loosen my grip a bit. AJ, when you said yes to the birthmoms, was it after having the opportunity to meet with them/talk with them/hear about them?

Char, I am very interested in hearing more about how to go about an independent search. I totally hear what you're saying about the difficulty involved in turning down a birthmom who'd really like the match to work. I think that would be a really painful thing to have to do.

Regina, I will PM you to find out about networking to find the right connection. Thank you for offering this!!

Julie, I really like the idea of working with an agency that works hard with the birthmom to ensure that she really and truly knows what she's doing and to ensure that she's comfortable with the decision that she's making. I think there will be guilt on my part no matter what, but I would need to feel certain before adopting a child that the birthmom wasn't ambivalent about it. I agree that ethically that is crucial.

Again, thank you so much everyone for taking the time to give me your thoughts. I really appreciate it!!!

Katherine

[chemist]

Katherine--

You should start visiting local agencies in your area. They all have free information sessions. You can learn a little bit more about how this all works and how each agency works. (You're not limited to using a local agency, but in the beginning its nice to see them in person and get your questions answered.) Each agency does work slightly differently, and then when you get packets from out-of-area agencies you have something to compare to.

[Edited to remove URL to Agency Supported/Waiting Parents Website]
Good luck!

[BrandyHagz]

Please remember that you can't post Agency/Facilitator Websites...even if those sites contain information you think might help the poster.

We have strict rules regarding the posting of Agency URL's on our site.

[tomandcate]

Originally Posted by Katherine4

Are paparents on a list and if they refuse a match they get bumped to the bottom of that list?

This is one of the questions I would ask if you are considering working with an agency...some may work differently than ours but they reassured us several times that if we said "no" to a situation (which we did, before we were placed with our son) it would in no way "put us at the bottom of the list." And personally I would not feel good about working with any agency that made this a practice - it is tantamount to "punishing" paparents for making a careful decision and is the antithesis of what they are supposed to be trying to do - find the right match for all parties involved.

Originally Posted by Katherine4

AJ, I hear you about the "controlling" thing, and I'm not denying that that's me. But, I can't imagine anyone not wanting as much control as possible over such a momentous thing.

This is one of the hardest things about adoption - the loss of control. We don't have control over emoms choosing us; bmoms don't have control over how we raise their children; the children don't have control over the fact that they were placed for adoption. I, too, love to have control over my life and my environment...have always been that way to the extreme...but the process of adopting our first child taught me so much in terms of how to "let go and let God." You will feel calmer and enjoy this exciting process so much more if you can let go and let whatever you believe in - God, fate, destiny, whatever - take over. You have already completed the phase in which you have the most control - the home study - and as someone else posted, your control going forward is often limited to accepting or denying a potential match. As hard as it is, it is great practice for becoming a parent, because you will often feel out of control!

Originally Posted by Katherine4

AJ, when you said yes to the birthmoms, was it after having the opportunity to meet with them/talk with them/hear about them?

Often it is up to the emom whether she wants to meet the paparent(s). In our case she did not want to meet us, so that was that. It was very clinical in that regard - she reviewed our 6-page profile, and we reviewed her social/medical history, which was not very revealing. We got the call about Sam on Monday night - he had been born the day before, she wanted us to parent, and we were to pick him up two days later. It was completely exhilerating and terrifying all at the same time, but we knew it was right. And I can't imagine anyone else being his parents, or any other child being my first baby. It is exactly as it was meant to be.

As Julie mentioned, finding an agency that takes extreme care with emom counseling was of the highest concern for us. And it has meant even more, in the 2+ years since placement, when I could ask our agency for ongoing help and counseling for bmom and me in dealing with some issues I did not feel equipped to handle by myself.

Cate

[AwaitingBeloved]

Originally Posted by tomandcate

This is one of the questions I would ask if you are considering working with an agency...some may work differently than ours but they reassured us several times that if we said "no" to a situation (which we did, before we were placed with our son) it would in no way "put us at the bottom of the list." And personally I would not feel good about working with any agency that made this a practice - it is tantamount to "punishing" paparents for making a careful decision and is the antithesis of what they are supposed to be trying to do - find the right match for all parties involved.

This is a very good point. We talked with a few agencies before committing to the one we used, and some did have this practice and were up front about it. The agency we worked with worked with up to 20 paparents at a time, and would categorize each family/couple/single waiting to adopt... by various factors, so if a expectant parent came in looking for information on just religious families, they'd be offered the profiles of the families that would fit that match. If they were looking for a young family, they'd be offered those profiles, a family with financial security, they'd be given those profiles, etc. Each person has different values, so there were all different categories and each waiting family fit into several.

I never did ask DD's bparents what they asked for that gave them our profile and just one other.

Anyway, it was great because the agency would put your profile out each and every time it was applicable. I really liked that about them.

[Katherine4]

Thanks for the suggestion, Chemist!! I'll look into that!!

Thank you, Cate, for sharing some of your story and your insights with me. I think the idea of shopping around for an agency that works best for me and my husband is a great idea! I'm really glad things worked out so beautifully for you and your family!!

Awaiting Beloved, thank you, too!!! I like the sound of the agency you worked with. So if you happen to fall into several of the categories, then you'd have the advantage of being shown to emoms more often, right?

If any of you really loved the agency that you worked with and would like to share the name of it with me privately, please pm me.

Thank you so much for all of your help!!