[mznia504]

The first week I brought my baby home, I was overwhelmed by the comments and questions asked by my family, but what hurt me the most was the constant referrals to his "mom". Everyone was asking, "Did his mom have lots of hair?" "Did his mom cry?" "How tall is his mom?" "Does he look like his mom?" In the beginning I figured it was just normal for the first few weeks for people to not understand the transition and that I was now his mom. I didn't notice just how much this was getting to me until one day one of my friends came to visit and she asked out of nowhere "How does his mom look?" and I replied without thinking, "You're looking at his mom!" She said "Well you know what I meant." The only person who really understood was my mom. Whenever she referred to the birthmom she called her either by her name or called her the sweet "young lady".

Well Jayden is now 5 weeks old and I began to feel that now everyone understands that I am his mommy and all the hoopla and questions about who is his mom were all gone...until yesterday. My sister called to check on him b/c he has been placed on meds for Reflux. I have been sick with the flu so when she asked how he was doing I replied "Oh he is doing much better but now his mommy is sick." She said, "Oh his mom is sick? What's wrong with her?" I could tell by the sound in her voice and the way she phrased her question that she thought I was talking about his birthmom. I was offended but I just replied. "I'm sick with the flu and it's extra hard when you have a newborn to take care of on top of it." She didn't reply for a few seconds (I guess it had to hit her) and she said "Oh you have the flu??" Then she blamed her pause on being out of breath. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I could tell she was embarassed and I was offended.

How long should I expect this to go on. Jayden will be raised to know that he is adopted, but I want him to know that I am his mommy. I don't want people to confuse him or label him as my "adopted child". Will this eventually subside or will I always be considered his adoptive parent instead of his mommy?

[bethy724]

Sorry to write, but my son is turning 3 next week & it doesn't stop-it may slow down until you put your foot down. Great response to your sister!!! I've weeded people out of my life that continue to insult me or my son & for the most part it works. If you surround yourself with people who are willing to educate themselves & understand your place in this world it makes life easier. I gave people many chances & my true friends & family have learned from my experiences, as far as those that want to continue to ask "what was wrong w/ his mom"/where is his dad?" I had to put an end to it & really there was no love lost. I've gained many friends since becoming a mom(single moms/other adoptive parents) One door closes/fifteen open!!

[mommamarci]

I have been very fortunate. I have had few people do this. Of course I live hours away from family, so I am not around them much!! I have had several people aske me how we would like to refer to her. We use the term first mom, so I tell them that. The few times people have asked me about his mom, I always reply, "His first mom..." We are not surrounded by adoption, so most people just don't know. I would start by using that repsonse. "Well his first / birth / bio mom has red hair, etc." Or answer for yourself. "As you can see, I have brown hair." I think they will get it is you stay consistent.

The issue I have had that I am working so hard to accept is references to his brother. He has a full bio sibling that fmom is parenting. Poeple ask me constantly about his brother. At first I was tempted to say, "Oh he is an only child." But that is his brother, so I am working on making myself okay with the fact that he has a brother and we are referring to him as such.

[traceyk]

My MIL who I have a FABULOUS relationship with has from time to time said things referring to F as "her Mom". There is no b-father. In fact it happened a few weeks ago when she asked if her "Mom" was tall and I said no I am only 5'4" and she said "you know what I mean"jokingly. It is getting old now and Drihan is understanding more so DH said he is gently going to bring it up and tell her that it hurt's my feelings and with Drihan getting older in fact we are going to keep the adoption talk to when it is just us adults because we don't want her to keep hearing it. That way if she does slip again, Drhan won't hear it. DH and I mention the adoption to Drihan from time to time, but we don't saturate her with it.

[dutchgirl2]

Unfortunately some people get it and some don't. I guess it depends on how often you speak with them and if they're willing/able to make the adjustment in their head.
When we brought home our son and had to return him to his first mom & dad after a whole month, I called my mom sobbing, to tell her the news. Her response was "well it's not like he died, he only went back to his Mom and Dad!". Now I know my mom and I know she was hurting terribly for us at the time, but that response cut through me like a knife.
Now that we brought home our youngest daughter, she has made the mistake a time or 2, but I keep correcting her and now she just calls Ayla's first parents J and J, skirting the whole issue entirely. Hey it works for me, just so long as you call me Mom!!
It doesn't help when those of us who have gone through the emotional rollercoaster of adoption and have finally arrived at our much desired destination of motherhood, aren't called or seen as 'mom' by those around us. And we have had long months using the correct adoption terminology, while most of those around us really haven't. I'm guessing though, that your sister won't be making that mistake again any time soon!

[redbonec]

You mentioned that you corrected people saying that you are his mom, but have you told them how to refer to his birthmother instead? Many people do not know the title "birthmother" or "first mother."

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by mznia504

I have been sick with the flu so when she asked how he was doing I replied "Oh he is doing much better but now his mommy is sick." She said, "Oh his mom is sick? What's wrong with her?" I could tell by the sound in her voice and the way she phrased her question that she thought I was talking about his birthmom. I was offended but I just replied. "I'm sick with the flu and it's extra hard when you have a newborn to take care of on top of it." She didn't reply for a few seconds (I guess it had to hit her) and she said "Oh you have the flu??"

In your sister's defense, I might have thought that's what you meant also, after having referred to yourself in the third person. It's not uncommon for people to need a few seconds to catch up with that style of speaking. I understand your frustration in dealing with claiming the title "mom," but I think this mistake was understandable.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I wish I could say that it will go away, but I am not sure it will. I brought this up with my therapist this week and she said.

"if you have ever changed where you put something, but you find yourself going back to where it was in the first place? This is something you WANTED to change, but you find a difficult time adjusting to this change. Imagine people who don't WANT to change. You can try to educate them until you are blue in the face, but unless they want to change, they will not. Put it simple and straight forward "I am his mom" no need for explainations, just facts. After awhile they may want to change their terminology rather than be corrected."

I figure it is worth a try.

[bajj]

My oldest is 5 and my youngest is 2 and I still get asked about their "Mom & Dad" or "Mommy & Daddy." I have gotten to where I always answer as if they were asking about me and when they say, "you know what I mean." I say, "Oh, I'm so sorry, did you mean his Birthmom?"

I don't think it does go away, sorry to say.

[alinev]

I am their mother, they have a birthmom. I actually often refer to her as "their mother" among family and friends because the semantics don't change the reality.
The list of ignorant offensive things people say is so long that unless something is really off the charts I simply have no ear and no time for it. What they say to me no longer upsets me, they just slide down a notch in my book and I walk away. What they say in front of my children is another matter and that will elicit a very prompt, direct response

[danhanan]

It doesn't go away, but yeah, it will slow down. We just need to keep educating people and hope they learn. DD is 5 1/2 now and is starting to educate people herself. She had an appt for an eye exam and when going over the family history, I mentioned that her bmom has terrible vision. A few minutes late the Dr asked me if I could find out more information on her MOTHER"S vision problem. DD very promptly and politely stated to him that she is he "BMOM". To cut through the tension I thanked her for clearing that up and I also assured her that the DR knows that I'm her mom, to which he nodded. He obviously hadn't been in that situation before, if at all, but I think he'll be really careful if it comes up again with anyone.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by traceyk

There is no b-father.

Wow! How did that happen?

[mom2justynsarah]

Oh boy, do I feel your pain! My daughter was brought into my life through domestic infant open adoption. She is now 2 years old....and YES, I am her mommy.

However, I STILL have people who ask about her mother. Sometimes my own sister will make a comment like "How is her mother" or "Have you spoken to her mother recently."

I immediately reply with, "You mean her birthmother."or "Her birthmother is fine."

I don't think people intentionally make these comments to hurt us. It's just that they are not educated when it comes to the world of adoption.

Please know, adoptive moms ARE our children's mothers. Your child WILL know YOU as mommy.

However, the reality is that adopted children DO have two mothers. One who bore them, and one who raised rthem,

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by mznia504

The first week I brought my baby home, I was overwhelmed by the comments and questions asked by my family, but what hurt me the most was the constant referrals to his "mom". Everyone was asking, "Did his mom have lots of hair?" "Did his mom cry?" "How tall is his mom?" "Does he look like his mom?" In the beginning I figured it was just normal for the first few weeks for people to not understand the transition and that I was now his mom. I didn't notice just how much this was getting to me until one day one of my friends came to visit and she asked out of nowhere "How does his mom look?" and I replied without thinking, "You're looking at his mom!" She said "Well you know what I meant." The only person who really understood was my mom. Whenever she referred to the birthmom she called her either by her name or called her the sweet "young lady".

Well Jayden is now 5 weeks old and I began to feel that now everyone understands that I am his mommy and all the hoopla and questions about who is his mom were all gone...until yesterday. My sister called to check on him b/c he has been placed on meds for Reflux. I have been sick with the flu so when she asked how he was doing I replied "Oh he is doing much better but now his mommy is sick." She said, "Oh his mom is sick? What's wrong with her?" I could tell by the sound in her voice and the way she phrased her question that she thought I was talking about his birthmom. I was offended but I just replied. "I'm sick with the flu and it's extra hard when you have a newborn to take care of on top of it." She didn't reply for a few seconds (I guess it had to hit her) and she said "Oh you have the flu??" Then she blamed her pause on being out of breath. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I could tell she was embarassed and I was offended.

How long should I expect this to go on. Jayden will be raised to know that he is adopted, but I want him to know that I am his mommy. I don't want people to confuse him or label him as my "adopted child". Will this eventually subside or will I always be considered his adoptive parent instead of his mommy?

I guess I have a different take on some of this. Do you really feel like your sister was trying to offend you? Is there truly reason to believe that they only think of you as "the adoptive parent" and not as his Mommy? Why take it so personally, unless, of course, this person or others repeatedly say things that they know upset you AFTER you've had the discussion?

I for one take these as opportunities to speak gently to how we can refer to each other in the often complex relationships of adoption (to us, definitely not to the kids IMO... I don't think Jayden will be confused at all about who his Mommy is... kids are great that way!) I sure don't take offense unless someone is intentionally pointing it out every single time we talk.

For me, the offended feelings started to fade as I became more secure in my own feelings about being my kids' Mom. I don't notice people "trying to offend me" in the things they say.

I find that sometimes we (okay I'll just say I) can be oversensitive to language because we live with it every day. Other people don't. They don't read the books. They don't live with this conversation (like on these boards). They don't dwell on it. I don't know the whole situation, but I sure don't try to take offense unless someone seems to intentionally say things over and over when they know it is upsetting to us. I just can't imagine that people who haven't lived with/through/etc adoption sit there and say "I'm going to make them feel offended by saying this or that". It's a shame it there are people like that. But in general, I think these types of questions as in "what does his Mom look like?" are innocent curiosity, a friend showing interest who may not understand all the dynamics of open adoption relationships that we, who live in them, do. I for one would welcome their interest.

For me, it's better than people (as in my case) trying to say things that make me feel like they're trying to "smooth over" the fact my kids are adopted, or forget it, or whatever, as if it is regrettable that they came to me through adoption, or at least, second best. That's when I get peeved.

And then there's the "you got your kids the EASY WAY" comment. DOn't get me started on that!!!

I guess we're all sensitive to different things. Be secure in who you are. YOU ARE JAYDEN'S MOMMY. No doubt about it. What a thrilling time in your life as a family. Don't for a minute let these kind of comments make you feel less of one. Because you aren't. Bless you and your sweet son!