[Synesthesia]

In the future I would like to adopt at least 3 children. I've given this a lot of thought over the last few weeks or months. I feel that there are a lot of children in the world who need homes and I have decided I want to adopt before I have biological children.
The thing is I have to wait at least 2 years. I don't think I have the maturity to be a parent yet. There are issues from the past I will have to deal with in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes.
I am leaning towards adopting internationally first. I think I have a selfish motivation in doing this.
I think for my first adoption I want to adopt a child that doesn't have any relatives that can come and claim him or her from me. I also don't think I have the maturity to adopt from foster care or domestically my first time and would have to wait until I'm at least 40 before I could adopt an older child.
I need some advice, since i mentioned to people I know about adoption and mentioned it on other forums I have been getting advice against my will. Very obvious sort of advice that rankles me for some reason I can't figure out. I feel like i am trying to look at this from every angle, trying to weigh my motivations. The desire to adopt is so strong for me I wish I could do it RIGHT NOW but i know I'm not ready. I don't have a partner. I work temp, my apartment is rather messy and I have a lot of growing up to do.
Mostly I want to know, if I am adopting for the first time, which is the best route to take, Domestic or Internationally?
I also will adopt domestically in the future...
Thanks...

[ocracoke]

There is no easy or correct way to answer this for you. You need to do what you feel is right for you. When you feel like you are ready to be a parent then you need to look at what works for you. Ask yourself the questions that will help get you to the answers. Do you want an infant? Does race matter? Does gender matter? Do finances matter? And so many many more questions. I was adopted out of the foster care system so I always assumed that I would adopt from the foster care system. Then I was told that I needed to either be open to a much older child or I need to be open to developmental disabilities. And at the time I wasn't. I looked at infant doesmtic but I was told that as a single woman I could have a significant wait time to be picked. I also wasn't sure that open adoption was right for me. It became clear to me that international was the right choice for me at the time. I now have a wonderful 2 year old daughter who has been home for just over 4 months. I think for my second adoption (if that happens) I would adopt an older child out of the foster care system because I think that will be what is right for me at the time. It is a personal choice.

Samantha

[semperfiwife5]

we are fostering to adopt. we have 70 days left til our first comes here. im so excited

[Synesthesia]

Fascinating, how does that whole process work? Foster to adopt, I feel like i don't know enough about it.
What triggered this was reading a book about adoption in China.
Then I considered China my first choice, but they have changed the rules quite a bit. I don't think adopting singly is right for me at the time, so I'd have to somehow find a husband who is open to having our first child be adopted.
However, if I was mature enough, in the next few years and I don't have a partner, I'd consider adopting single. It seems to be so much easier when I don't think too much about it in terms of race or country or whatever.
Then it makes sense, it feels like a hand of sort has taken hold of my heart and is pulling me in the right direction, but when it comes to other people's comments and an odd feeling of guilt that if I adopt from this place, than what about this OTHER PLACE, that's when it falls apart and i have doubts and feel miserable.
It feels best when I don't second guess it too much. It's one of the strongest, rightest feelings I've had ever.

[waiting4amiracle]

I think Samantha hit the nail on the head. Only you know what is right for you ans whne you're ready to make the type of commitment required to beging the adoption journey. There are so many factors which need to be considered and those factors and the weight of their importance changes throughout the journey...sometimes from day-to-day!

The second guessing will happen, with or without your knowledge. That said, once you've made the decision and are confident it is the right time, place and manner for you to pursue adoption, the second guessing won't matter much because you'll be secure in your decision. That's not to minimize the importance of a support system. DW and I are blessed with an incredibly strong and broad support system which includes family, friends and co-workers.

Without sounding like a philosopher, most of the answers you seek will come from within and will come when the time is right....a time which only you will know. Can I just point out - the fact you are thinking about all of this in advance and at this level indicates a certain level of maturity and self-awareness many do not have. You should be commended for that.

I wish you all the best in your journey!

[rredhead]

I highly recommend the book Is Adoption for You? by Christine Adamec. It goes over the different types of adoption, their pros and cons, and gives you a lot of discussion questions that you can go over (and your spouse/partner if you have one).
After that, read read read! The more research you do, the better off you'll be. There is no "typical" adoption is what I've learned.

[Synesthesia]

Thanks for the compliment, Waiting.
I will have to find that book rredhead. I've been reading a ton of sights about attachment issues and RAD and learned things I didn't know.
it's strange, I know it's going to be harder than I can imagion, but I still want to do it anyway! But I also want to enjoy my life now, single, without kids while preparing for the next phse in my life at the same time. I wonder if that's possible.
I also need to do more research on the affects of transcultural and transracial adoptiong because I think I might be doing that in the future. It's strange how doing research makes me feel empowered, knowing what could happen, even if it shifts seems to make me feel more confident. Not sure why.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by Synesthesia

I want to adopt a child that doesn't have any relatives that can come and claim him or her from me.

I think the fear of this for most people is well out of proportion to the risk. It's very rare, but garners a lot of media attention when it does happen.

Originally Posted by Synesthesia

It's strange how doing research makes me feel empowered, knowing what could happen, even if it shifts seems to make me feel more confident. Not sure why.

Knowledge is power, even in a personal decision. The more you know about an issue, the more informed your decision will be, and the more confident you'll feel about it. Even realizing how much you don't know is a step forward.

[Synesthesia]

I was reading some more about domestic adoption. What I read made me feel a bit less nervous, But I still would consider it for the second or third adoption for some reason I can't figure out. I have a lot to learn and things will shift aft least over the next few years.
But, the main target will be in sight though, wanting to adopt a child(ren) and raise him or her (Them) the best way I can.

[Lynard1210]

Here's a thought . . you could adopt a sibling group of 3 or more! I bet that would break you in for future adoptions!

Seriously, though, I want to comment on what you said about what other people's advice. I am very sentitive to people's criticisms and advice, especially when not asked, but I have learned that usually when people are giving advice, it has more to do with [i]them[i], their value system and their beliefs, etc. than it really has to do with you. People are biased by their own experiences and beliefs. Sometimes those people are family members or friends.

I like what the poster said about knowing inside what and when it is right. I always "knew" i would adopt but I had no idea how that was going to happen since my husband did not want more children. The opportunity came 2 years ago when his teenage daughter became pregnant. I somehow knew I would be our baby's mom, before any plans were made. I think it's like that many times . . you know when the time is right and the more you become informed about the pros and cons of each type of adoption, you will see a fit for you . . . or something else could happen to change everything that you thought was in the "plan"! My best friend fought in Australia to get approved to adopt in China after they denied her. She won and turned up pregnant the same week!

[traceyk]

We are in a semi-open adoption with a b-mom who we never met and never saw a picture of us. She gave birth, left and then signed without ever looking back. Even if she wanted to know something all she is able to know is our first names and not where we live or anything else. So not ALL domestic sit. are a big risk. They sensationalize those that are and a lot of times the whole stories are being told. Just my 2 cents.

[CalandraLark]

Originally Posted by rredhead

I highly recommend the book Is Adoption for You? by Christine Adamec. It goes over the different types of adoption, their pros and cons, and gives you a lot of discussion questions that you can go over (and your spouse/partner if you have one).
After that, read read read! The more research you do, the better off you'll be. There is no "typical" adoption is what I've learned.

SECOND! I loved that book, so far it's my favorite adoption book ever, I'm sure that might change as I continue reasearching but... it has so much information in such a clear consise and thought provoking organization!

[Synesthesia]

Your signiture is extremely interesting to me.
Also, in the future I must buy books about adoption instead of taking them from the library.