[2manyks]

our emom seems to not care much about the fact that she is carrying a baby and is planning to soon place it with me. i read all these stories about how heart wrenching relinquishment is and what a terrible time birthmothers have with grief. i just don't see it with our emom. will it come after birth? this is her 4th child, 2nd to place, maybe she has just distanced herself to protect her heart. i just can't figure it out.

what do you think?

[Kimmisue]

Our son's bmom was the exact same way. (DS was born 1/31 btw). She did talk from the day we met all the way through that this was our (mine and dh's) baby, not hers. Every decision that was made, like name, circumcision, etc, she always looked at me for the answer because she stressed that this wasn't "her" baby. I was such a newbie at the time that I thought this was how all bmoms were and that it was a positive thing. She's never expressed to me any grief about the adoption, although I'm sure she has had some. She's always told me that she knows that she did the right thing for Brady and that she doesn't regret it. The only thing she ever said was at the hospital after he was born and before she signed. She told us that she wished she could keep him, but she knew in her heart that she couldn't care for him and that he'd end up "in the system". This way she got to choose.

So, I think especially if this is her 2nd placement, that she may have distanced herseld. I would be prepared for some grief that she isn't expecting. She may think she knows how she'll feel because of having been there before, so her feelings may take her by surprise.

Good luck! I know I repeatedly asked "M" if she was okay and stressed for her to call the agency if she needed someone besides us to talk to about it. She did tell me that she was able to get free counseling through her Medicaid, but I don't know if she ever did.

Keep us posted!!! That due date is coming very fast!!!
Kim

[Leigh131313]

I think it's hard to know what it's like in someone else's shoes...kwim?

Some people are really good at masking their feelings...especially ones that they think might make them seem "weak" or "too emotional"..She may be afraid to show you her concerns..

or, maybe she just deals with things differently...

It's so hard to say.


I really don't think there is anything you can do about this, and I wouldn't assume she doesn't care...we are just all so different..ya know?

[lahdh4]

I hope you don't mind a bmom opinion. For me, I had to step back from what I wanted to experience while pregnant and deal with the fact that I was chosing adoption. For me and some other women I know we tried to be indifferent, it didn't work. The grief came when we were least expecting it but it came.

[thanksgivingmom]

another bmom weighing in...i am not big on showing negative emotions and being vulnerable in front of other people...i'm trying to get better, but it's very hard for me to open up in that way. with regards to the placement of DD, i wanted to appear strong and in control, when inside i was scared and worried. every bmom is different, but try not to make assumptions...can you talk to her about it?

[katd402]

Our bmom is the same way, but she doesn't want any contact with us at all. She opened up to her social worker, and I'm so glad for her that she has someone to talk to about all of this. She doesn't stay in touch with her much, though. Our social worker told me that many moms pull away, especially around the delivery date, because they begin to grieve their loss. That makes sense to me. Good luck!

[kelceesmom]

When we arrived at the hospital after our daughter was born our bmom seemed indifferent. I think to an extent they almost have to shut off some of their emotions or they would go crazy. All we can do is hope and pray that they accept help from where ever it is coming from because eventually it will catch up with them.

[taramayrn]

I am a very very emotional person, however, when my son was born, I was the only one in the room not crying. I think part of me had shut down.

[loveajax]

I remember DD's birth mom comforting ME, of all things, when we were leaving the hospital and I was bawling like a baby (and I knew I wouldn't see her with our DD again (at least at the hospital)). She was so stoic and strong....but don't mistake that for indifference or not caring. It could also be a defense mechanism (and maybe a perfectly healthy one, who knows?)

[joskids]

I met a birthmother at the pool this summer. She heard me talking about how our children are adopted, how we have an open adoption with our baby's first mother, and approached me and told me that she was a birth mother in an open adoption situation with her daughter. She seemed just the way you are saying, not grieving, not really distant, though, just accepting of what she felt she had to do. She has a wonderful relationship with the adoptive family and is happy that things worked out the way they did. I was almost shocked yet happy to talk with her because I was grieving about the grief that our baby's birthmother was feeling at the time (and still feeling). It's hard to be happy when someone else is so hurting. I guess we all do things for different reasons and some of us can confront what choices we make and go on and for others of us, it's much more difficult. I'd call it "resilience". (I'm not very resilient, by the way).

Josie

[ourdreamcametru]

I have to agree with what the bmoms here are saying. We adopted our daughter at birth 2 1/2 years ago and met her bmom four months before our daughter was born. I thought many times in the past almost three years that she didn't have a bond with our daughter, everything seemed to come so easy to her concerning the adoption and letting the baby go. On Christmas night she called and told me that she was pregnant and happy because she thought it would help her to replace Castle. Today her mother called to tell me that she had miscarried the baby and was very upset. I think she just didn't want to let on that she was so hurt with the adoption and thought she could keep those feelings to her self. I think it hit everyone at a different time, some as it is happening and some, like our bmother, months or years later. The best advice I could give right now is to support her and pled with her to seek counseling now.

[browneyes0707]

[quote=thanksgivingmom]another bmom weighing in...i am not big on showing negative emotions and being vulnerable in front of other people...i'm trying to get better, but it's very hard for me to open up in that way. with regards to the placement of DD, i wanted to appear strong and in control, when inside i was scared and worried. quote]

This was me. To a T.

I was always afraid that DD's a-mom thought I was cold, and I was so afraid that that was what went through her mind if my DD ever asked. I even mentioned it when I wrote this summer, and she said she thought i was confident and brave.

I sure didn't feel it!!

My biggest fear was that I'd get attached and changed my mind, which I knew in my heart was the wrong thing. I kept up the facade for years, until it gradually wore away. It is finally something I can deal with now, nearly 15 years later.

Just offer support in whatever way you can. Even though she may feel funny taking it from you, in her heart I bet it will mean so much coming from you. It did for me. I look at all the cards and letters from DD's a-mom from the past and the fact that she was there for me made me feel even more confident that DD was going a wonderful and loving home. And it made me feel a connection with a-mom too, kwim?

[lahdh4]

I still don't show negative emotions when I am at a visit. I just break down later.

[redbonec]

Wow, a lot of great insight here.

2manyks--just continuing giving support to her--I am sure it will mean so much even though you cannot tell what she is going through inside.

[kakuehl]

Another bmom here... 34 years ago of course I didn't get to meet D's aparents. I was however very calm in the presence of sw, etc. I don't know that I showed much emotion when I signed the papers. (I know I caused turmoil in the ranks when I refused to sign the final papers until I saw him.) I was very focused on the task at hand. The tears, etc. came later. As the others have said, I think there's a numbness, a protective shell, that enabled me to do what I needed to do. It didn't mean I didn't care about what was happening for I did deeply.