[aedems]

I am the biomother of 3 wonderful children. I am considering adoption as I feel our family is just not complete yet, but yet I have a sense of guilt about this. I have been blessed with 3 wonderful children and I know there are families struggling with infertility. Are there more infants/toddlers needing to be adopted than there are families, or is it the other way around?

[crick]

Think it depends on what type of adoption you are considering....

I think there are more parents to be than infants available in a domestic adoption.

But if you adopt from foster care or some international places..there are more children that need homes than parents available..

Is that what you are asking?

[aedems]

Yes, that is what I am asking. I just have had the experience of parenting and I know, as my brother and sister-in-law are experiencing infertility, there are lots of families with infertility that will not have the experience without adopting. I don't want to be taking the experience away from someone who wants a baby, but can't have one. Does it make sense?

[crick]

well, I think there are some people who would feel that way, but no one can tell you what's right for you and your family either.

If you adopt an infant, it's really not your decision though...meaning most of the time, an expectant parent picks the adoptive parents. If there's something about you personally they like more than all the other waiting parents, then that's their decision. kwim? So it's not something you have all that much control over anyway.

I'm not on that side of waiting parents so can't really say, but that's my take anyway!

[DianeS]

To put it bluntly, it seems to depend on the "type" of child.

If you are able to parent a child of a different nationality than you are - for instance, a child who was born in Ethiopia or Colombia and who still lives there - then there are more children than parents.

If you are able to parent a child of a different race than you are but who was born in the USA - for example, a full AA or Asian child - then the numbers are closer but in many places there are still more children than parents.

If you are able to parent a child with significant special needs - for example, a child who has been exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero - then there are more children than parents.

If you are able to parent a child who you may not get to keep - for example, a child currently in foster care whose parents may or may not get their act together in time to take their child back - then there are more children than parents.

Etc.

For the MOST part, parents who choose to adopt choose situations where the child will be as similar to one born to them as possible - same race, same health, same citizenship, same immediate "permanency", youngest age. So the more differences you can accept, the fewer other parents there will be seeking that same type of child. That's not speaking for EVERYONE of course, you'll almost never be the *only* person seeking to adopt a particular type of child, I'm speaking in generalities here.

There are definately types of children you could seek to adopt who are simply waiting.

However, you may choose to think about this another way. Nowadays many birth families get to CHOOSE the type of family that will raise the child. They can CHOOSE to place their child with an infertile couple if that's what they want. But there are going to be birth families who want their child raised in a different type of family. There may even be birth families who already know they want their child raised as the youngest in a large family. Perhaps that's what the birth parents themselves grew up with. Perhaps they don't want their child to be the oldest, or the only child. Perhaps they want parents who have already parented children - you know some people think that's the best way to get experience in raising kids, and they'd feel best if their child were placed with an experienced family.

Who knows?

It's a personal decision, of course. Deciding that you're one "different" type of option for a birth family. Or choosing to adopt the type of child who may either wait longer for a family or who may not get one at all. Or being willing to be a "temporary" family for a child you may get to keep for a while OR for forever, you just don't know which one at the time you first hold the child.

There are lots of options, but I've rambled enough. Please keep posting! There are lots of people here who have chosen each way for a variety of reasons, and they'd be happy to talk about their choices.

[teranga]

We have 2 bio children and adopted our 3rd child. We have no infertility issues and both pregnancies were easy and uneventful with natural childbirths..For us though, we wanted to adopt the 3rd. We did not consider domestic adoption, although I have heard that when people say there are more families than infants, it means cc infants--there seem to be a lot of black children (including infants) in need of homes.

We adopted from Ethiopia, where there is definitely a need for families for children.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask on the board, or PM me.

Teranga

[JGarrick]

If only infertile couples without children could adopt, to whom would birth parents turn if they didn't want their baby to be an only child? Someone may be out there right now looking for a family with three other kids.

I don't think you're going to do anyone any favors by making some infertile couple a birth mom's second choice, when you might have been her first.

[aedems]

Thanks to everyone who posted. It eases my mind a bit and it makes total sense - I guess I just needed to hear it I just feel our family has so much to give. For us I don't believe race matters at all. Age is a factor, but only for bonding with OUR family, having to keep my bio kids in mind when our family decides to adopt. Domestic or International - we really don't care if they are from this country or not, but we will have to carefully weigh all of our options. I feel like I have a million things to say, but I am so overwhelmed I can't think at all

Thanks to everyone who posts online in all of the different forums. As we are just getting started in the process, I was amazed at all of the information to be found!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

As a birth mother, I searched specifically for families who had children as I didn't want the Munchkin to be a solo act.

Don't feel bad. There are many ways to form a family. If this is your calling, don't let guilt work its way in when it comes to things that you cannot control!

[2manyks]

we have bios and adopted. some as infants, some as older kids. all from the usa. we are awaiting the birth of our 12th child. the emom picked us because we already had so many children. you never know who is meant to be a part of your family until you find them.

[thornbird]

I've always said this about infertility & now I will say it about adoption: Other people's fertility has nothing to do with the decisions you make for your family. If you want to adopt, do it. You're not taking anything away from anyone. Your decisions have nothing to do with anyone but yourself and your family.

And good luck to you.

[Vogi2002]

The only thing I would warn you is the "so much to give" part. Don't adopt because you think you will be blessing the child but rather the other way around! Please don't take offense as you probably didn't mean it that way but I just wanted to make sure you weren't thinking that you were "rescuing" the child....

[Fran27]

I agree with Natalie - too many families, IMO, go for adoption for the wrong reasons - then they end up adopting a healthy CC baby when there are 40 families looking to adopt one - so much for the 'saving a child' theory.

Personally, the thing I have a hard time with is just understanding why someone would spend sometimes 20k and deal with the heartache of adoption (from birthmoms changing their mind to having to find someone to keep the kids while away etc) when they don't have to. I'm really excited to adopt and I seriously don't care about getting pg or having a bio child, but those are things I would really have done without, and given the choice I'd rather spend my money on things for my child than in having him/her.

[kelceesmom]

First I wouldn't feel guilty about wanting to adopt after have bio kids. If you have love to give why not give it to a child? They are deserving of having love, a home, and all that goes with it. If I could afford it I would adopt again and again.

[Synesthesia]

I think I want to adopt at least 2 or 3 children before I have bio kids...