[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

I'm glad pregnancy sucks for you, but please do not belittle my infertility experience. There was a point in time where I would have given everything to become pregnant, and it was not pointless, nor do I regret trying everything I did to become pregnant. I fully admit adoption is my second choice, like previosly stated, NO that does NOT mean second best.

Believe me, I will love my adopted child every bit as I would have a biological child, and if I get pregnant, that love will stay the same. I feel that adoption is every bit the miracle pregnancy is, as a matter of fact, I want to adopt now every bit as much as I wanted to become pregnant. But it took me a while to accept that I would NEVER become pregnant or feel what your feeling right now. So for you to try to downplay pregnancy and people making "such a fuss" over become pregnant is very demeaning to those of us that that put lots of time, tears, and pain into trying everything to become pregnant.

And NO I still stand by what I said, If I could have gotten pregnant, I would have not adopted. Does that make me a bad person or will that make me a bad parent? I guess you have decided that for me.



NO you have not been through infertility, so then how can you tell "some of us on this thread" that we are not over it? You obviously don't understand what a harsh accusation and judgement this is to make, especially for those of us that took years to grieve that LOSS BEFORE adopting. Infertility is like any other grieve, you learn to move forward but for those that suffered like most of us have, we probably never will fully move ON wether we eventually get pregnant or adopt.

And "hard" doesn't even come close to what infertility is.

Actually, I think it was pretty clear from dawnrenee's posts that she has struggled with infertility. That was very obvious to me, so I'd have to say she probably does understand.

[AdoptInMe]

I've pretty much read all the posts, and I have to put my two cents in as well. I'm going to go back to OP, to address her question. I do not think it's fair to seek to adopt a healthy cc infant when you can conceive on your own. There are many IF couples waiting for and competing for those babies. The issue is not that you aready have children, it's that you CAN have more if that's what you really want.

But there are many more non-caucasian and older children than there are potential adoptive situations. In that case, you would be helping a child who may not have as many options, and you would be completing your family. So, in my opinion, there is only one type of child that would not be fair to adopt. There are many, many other children out there that really do need homes.

I have always dreamed of having a big family, at least 3 or 4 children. We haven't even gotten to 1. But, I have also ALWAYS said that we will adpot an older child when my other children are older than that child. Everyone deserves to have a family.

You can do whatever you choose to do. Yes, there are some potential birthmothers out there who would love a family with 3 children already. But you did ask our opinions, and that's the only reason I'm giving you mine . Good luck with whatever you choose.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by devildogwife

Actually, I think it was pretty clear from dawnrenee's posts that she has struggled with infertility. That was very obvious to me, so I'd have to say she probably does understand.

The last part was a quote from Jeanelles post, I was referring to her. Not Dawn's, I was referring to Dawn saying that she feels sorry for my children, because adoption was not my first choice in life.

[teranga]

I agree there is no "final answer" to this question of which is harder, but I was answering a specific question, posed to someone had both been through a pregnancy and adopted. Which I have.

Of course it depends on the pregnancy and the adoption. My point in giving my experience was to let people know that are adoption options which are not heart-wrenching, or unbelievably long processes, or any of the other things which some people on this board automatically think of when they think of adoption. I understand when adopting a cc healthy infant, the experience will be very different, and probably very hard for a lot of people. But this goes back to earlier parts of the thread: there are many children out there waiting, and if you can open your lives to a child of another race, you can still have a healthy infant without all the wait and issues described.

People are saying adoption is so hard. But that is their experience b/c they are being very specific and not open to option which would make it a whole lot easier. I 'm not criticizing that decision--I believe everyone has a right to decide for themselves what will work for them. But it is hard for me to hear how HARD adoption is vs. pregnancy from people who really mean how hard domestic cc healthy infant is. They are choosing this difficult route, which is their right. But it's not the only route, and they could make it easier on themselves if they chose to adopt trans-racially. First they choose the difficult route, and then they say how much harder it is than pregnancy. Why not turn it around, and say "I chose this difficult route and it is so much harder than adopting from Ethiopia.."

As for the people who said there is no answer to this question, well that's obvious. Honestly, a lot of the topics on here are opinion, and and can be argued til one is blue in the face. That is the nature of the bulletin boards in general. It's just interesting to hear different people's opinions and that's why most people come to the boards in the first place.

If we don't talk about topics which can't be "solved", a lot of the board will shut down.

Teranga

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by teranga

People are saying adoption is so hard. But that is their experience b/c they are being very specific and not open to option which would make it a whole lot easier. I 'm not criticizing that decision--I believe everyone has a right to decide for themselves what will work for them. But it is hard for me to hear how HARD adoption is vs. pregnancy from people who really mean how hard domestic cc healthy infant is. They are choosing this difficult route, which is their right. But it's not the only route, and they could make it easier on themselves if they chose to adopt trans-racially. First they choose the difficult route, and then they say how much harder it is than pregnancy. Why not turn it around, and say "I chose this difficult route and it is so much harder than adopting from Ethiopia.."
Teranga

I am open to all races, yes we are doing domestic. I'm not sure that being less or more open makes it any easier. The emom can still change thier mind, you still have no control, and you still may put all your heart into something that may not happen. I'm sorry I ever brought up 'which is harder' in the first place, that was completely not my point.

I guess the thing about pregnancy that I personally see as "easier" is that that baby that you love, that you have, is YOURS from the beginning. THAT is what is so hard to me about adoption, wether you do international (which not all of us have the funds for or qualify for BTW), domestic, etc. That baby is not YOURS until someone else decides it is...and that is heart wrenching. I'm not here to argue with anyone, this is just my very personal opinion of adoption vs. pregnancy and why I would have not adopted if I could easily get pg. Now, where I am now at my life, going through all the infertility, etc, I could give two links about becoming pg and can not WAIT to adopt, but at the beginning, and if I could get pg easily, it was different. KWIM? Maybe I'm not making any sense... I AM NOT judging anyone for feeling different, heck that is thier right and I applaud them! I hope I have made that VERY clear...if not, well hopefully I have cleared it up.

[aedems]

I didn't mean to start a war here! I have found over the years that emails do not get the actual point that you are trying to say across exactly. Words are chosen quickly and often not thought through. If you were talking to someone face to face, you might see the look on their face as if they were saying "I am not sure of the right term to call" any certain subject.

As I said before, I have 3 biochildren. I hate that term as well, as if my adopted child would not be as good, but I accept it as being the only easy way for people on this board to understand that these children weren't adopted. Why does it matter, because that is what we are talking about on this forum. If I delved into the complexity of my immediate family, I would have your head spin. I have a biomom, a step mom, a biodad, a stepdad (that my mother divorced again) and he remarried. I have a bio brother, a half biobrother, a half biosister, a step brother, and a brother who is not by "terms most people use" technically my brother as he was my stepmother's previous husband's child that she raised. So, head spinning yet!! But in the end, I have 3 brothers and a sister. I guess in the end families are made up by what you want them to be. There are some in the list above that are no longer my family due to MANY reasons and there are MANY NOT on the list that I consider MY FAMILY. So I have decided no matter how I get my children they are all going to be MY children, though I guess on this forum I will have to describe them as bio or adopted (and we are thinking of maybe even throwing foster in there )

The only opinion I wanted I guess was whether or not "people who cannot have children biologically who wanted to adopt" would be upset with me because I could and I am taking their only chance away, but from what I am reading I guess not. Everyone's thoughts and experiences truly helped me. That is all I was looking for.

It is difficult when you love your children SO MUCH and when you have had struggled with different situations, not to try to protect your HEART and your children. Just remember I think almost everyone on this board truly means the best and if you don't agree with them, don't fight it, but try to explain yourself and your experiences. Like someone said earlier, no two pregnancies are alike, no two situations are ever alike. At least we all have the right in this country to express our feelings and we have the ability to learn from others experiences.

And to think I just started on this forum....

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by Runyan2002

The last part was a quote from Jeanelles post, I was referring to her. Not Dawn's, I was referring to Dawn saying that she feels sorry for my children, because adoption was not my first choice in life.

Thanks for clarifying Runyan.

[ContactChar]

Ultimately, everyone has to build their family in a way that works for them. I tried the bio way first, even though as a single person, that meant I had to skip straight to the HARD bio way. I assumed that my only issue would be singlehood, not infertility. Maybe it was. . . I didn't try for as long as some others, but I tried for as long as I was physically and emotionally able. When I moved on to Plan B, it was with the excitement and anticipation of knowing I was no longer dealing in "percentages of success," I could build my family without being whacked out on hormones, and that I would have a baby some day.

After I lost my Snugglebunny, I considered going back to Plan A for a while. . . I had only tried for a year, after all. I made an appointment with my RE, agreed to more tests, etc. As I left her office, I knew I would not return. Plan B may have been my second choice, and may have left me completely hearbroken, but I knew that it is the process I want to use to find my child. One note: when I speak of Plan A and Plan B, I'm talking about the process, not the child. I don't see anything wrong with saying I would have rather used this process than another. In the end, the RESULT I'm looking for is the same-- my child. The whole process sucks, both Plan A and Plan B. It's all in what you can tolerate (for me).

Another note: as a black woman, my search has been for a black or biracial infant. . . the kind folks seem to think are so easy to adopt. Anyone who knows my story knows that it hasn't been easy for me at all. There are some people who have searched for healthy white babies who have had an easier time of it, and some who haven't. My point is, you'll build the right family for you when it's your time to do so. Ironically, I received a call right before Christmas from an expectant mom of a caucasian baby. She seemed very eager to place and was comfortable placing her baby with an African American mom, but I struggled with the idea and ultimately referred her on to friends in my local adoption support group. Part of my decision had to do with feeling a little guilty that this was a baby that other people were clamoring to adopt, but the main part of my decision was that I just felt transracial adoption was not right for me in building my family. I also considered international adoption. I looked hard at Ethiopia, Guatemala and Haiti. My child is here is the US. (at least my first child is! )

I'll end where I began: everyone has to build their family in the way that's right for them. If that means using the Plan B process even though Plan A is available to you, that's fine-- it's your family, and you know what your family needs. You are not the caretaker of the world. You are only responsible for your own family.

Char

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by aedems

I didn't mean to start a war here! I have found over the years that emails do not get the actual point that you are trying to say across exactly. Words are chosen quickly and often not thought through. If you were talking to someone face to face, you might see the look on their face as if they were saying "I am not sure of the right term to call" any certain subject.

As I said before, I have 3 biochildren. I hate that term as well, as if my adopted child would not be as good, but I accept it as being the only easy way for people on this board to understand that these children weren't adopted. Why does it matter, because that is what we are talking about on this forum. If I delved into the complexity of my immediate family, I would have your head spin. I have a biomom, a step mom, a biodad, a stepdad (that my mother divorced again) and he remarried. I have a bio brother, a half biobrother, a half biosister, a step brother, and a brother who is not by "terms most people use" technically my brother as he was my stepmother's previous husband's child that she raised. So, head spinning yet!! But in the end, I have 3 brothers and a sister. I guess in the end families are made up by what you want them to be. There are some in the list above that are no longer my family due to MANY reasons and there are MANY NOT on the list that I consider MY FAMILY. So I have decided no matter how I get my children they are all going to be MY children, though I guess on this forum I will have to describe them as bio or adopted (and we are thinking of maybe even throwing foster in there )

The only opinion I wanted I guess was whether or not "people who cannot have children biologically who wanted to adopt" would be upset with me because I could and I am taking their only chance away, but from what I am reading I guess not. Everyone's thoughts and experiences truly helped me. That is all I was looking for.

It is difficult when you love your children SO MUCH and when you have had struggled with different situations, not to try to protect your HEART and your children. Just remember I think almost everyone on this board truly means the best and if you don't agree with them, don't fight it, but try to explain yourself and your experiences. Like someone said earlier, no two pregnancies are alike, no two situations are ever alike. At least we all have the right in this country to express our feelings and we have the ability to learn from others experiences.

And to think I just started on this forum....

LMAO!! Welcome!! Don't worry about it, as you can see we are all a bunch of strong, opinionated, beautiful, independent and very close ladies!! Don't let the debate fool you, we all love each other very much and are always there for each other.

We may not always agree with each other, but isn't that what makes it so interesting and fun?

Welcome again!!

[loveajax]

Char, perfect way of putting it!

I am so looking forward to hearing when you have YOUR child home with you forever....I know you will be an awesome mom.

[sadiegirl]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Honestly I don't know if you can ever compare what is harder. I think this could be argued until you are all blue in the face and you still wouldn't have come to any conclusions.

Tara,

This was what I was saying earlier; it all boils down to your experience and no one's pain is "better" than anyone else's. Yet, it seems this thread is still trying to compare pain? (Dunno, haven't read all the replies).