[mom2samuel]

Okay, this is going to sound a little sad and selfish, but here it goes. We've been matched with a birthmom for about 2 weeks. She is due Dec 21. On Friday we were sent the hospital plans. When it asked "Do you want to name the child?" the mom had put "yes". I'm upset, and in some ways, I'm upset that I'm upset. Does this make sense? We are so disappointed, we already had a name picked out. On the other hand, I know that we are getting this wonderful gift, and the name shouldn't matter.

Part of me still fears another failure(we've had 3 this year). I'm worried that she wants to name the baby just in case she changes her mind. Also, naming the baby is such a personal thing, everyone wants to pick just the right name that fits into their family, culture, etc. I realize we can just change it later, but I don't want to do that to bmom. If all goes through, we are intending on doing pictures and letters, and maybe visits someday. It just wouldn't be the right way to treat her.

Anyone else have this problem?

Michelle

[Leigh131313]

Yeah, I've been wondering how I feel about this particular topic as well.

For me, I know that naming a child is of high priority. If a birthmom expects us to keep a name she chose, we are not the right family for her.

Where it gets foggy for me is ...what if she's ok with us changing it, she just wants to name it first....I don't know if I'm ok with this...and in which case, she would not be the right match for us....

I'm really quite torn on the matter.....

[Vogi2002]

I think I'd be okay with working a name TOGETHER. I would be all for having her name as the middle name, but I want to name my child. That may sound selfish, but there it is. Now, if I LOVE LOVE the name they picked out...maybe.

I would personally be okay with her naming them and us changing it, but she would KNOW before hand we were going to do that.

I just think that is such a personal thing and a joyous thing for all mommies and daddies to be able to do. Of course, I can see the other side of not really minding bmoms naming them either, but I tend to want to name my child...hope that makes sense and helps a little. You are NOT selfish, but you have to be honest!!

Natalie

[BrandyHagz]

Please, before you get upset or read to much into it, ask her for more information.

Maybe she wants to take part in the naming...maybe she intends to name the child at birth, knowing that you will change the name later...

Personally I think its awesome that they (whoever gave her the birthing plan) are making it known to her that she can name her baby at birth, if she wants to. This isn't something that is done very often...

My daughters parents asked me to take part in the naming process, we picked her name together and in the end, I felt so blessed that they wanted me to take part in that.

Just make sure you know where her heart is!

[Vogi2002]

Oh yes, and as far as her maybe wanting to name the child because she might want to keep it...well...

I have heard that a lot of adoptive counselors actually persuade emoms to name thier child before birth, when referring to them. That way it makes it much more real for them, and it becomes THIER CHILD, not just a baby in their tummy. I think it's a way for it to become reality..and for them to have that little piece. KWIM? I don't think it's neccessarily a bad sign.....maybe sit down and talk with her about what name she would like, and maybe compromise by finding a name together or something??


I don't know...that would be hard.

[cupcake17]

Hubby and I spent weeks arguing over names, but the birthmom that chose us had already named the baby. We were fine with the name and it was important to her.

[dutchgirl2]

We had a similar situation. We met a lovely young couple in January and finally matched for real in March (they wanted to make really sure this is what they wanted to do), and one of the things that had been discussed at the very first meeting, was their desire to name the baby together with us.
Let me tell you, it took months for us to come up with a name that we could all 4 agree on! Even so, it was still a difficult decision for us. DH still doesn't think our youngests name is the greatest name he's ever heard and he admits he would never have chosen it himself. But it has grown on him and I always thought it was pretty or I would never have agreed to it to begin with. Besides I think it totally fits her!
Anyway, what I'm saying is, perhaps you can come to an agreement on a name you all like? It can be a great bonding experience with the pbmom to choose a name together.

[mumofone]

Our 2 year old's mom named him. We could have changed it, but she had hoped that we would keep it or at least incorporate it into his name. Because this was one of the wishes she had on her "wish list" for him, we didn't have the heart to change it.

Although his name is not one we would have chosen, I honestly cannot imagine him being called by anything else. His name just suits him. We chose his middle name.

I agree that naming a child is a very personal thing, but I wouldn't walk away from a placement because the expectant mom and dad wanted to name their child.

[srusse24]

Originally Posted by cupcake17

Hubby and I spent weeks arguing over names, but the birthmom that chose us had already named the baby. We were fine with the name and it was important to her.

This is exactly what happened to us. We had finally chosen a name after much debate, and then bmom let us know she had chosen a name.

We were very torn about the naming process, and our agency kept reminding us that we could change the name. This seemed completely disrespectful to bmom though. She chose a name that was similar to her name, and now I am proud to tell my son his first mom gave him his name. We gave him his middle name and she was fine with that, but it meant a lot to her to give him his first name.

When you look at the big picture, how important is it that YOU name the baby? If you want to pass along a family name, or something like that, you should talk with bmom about naming the baby together, or you giving his/her middle name.

[qs mom]

I'm in a different situation. My son is an International adoptee. He was nearly 3 years old, with a full name.

I know his birth mother loved him. She kept him for 9 months until he became sick. At that point he was removed from her.

The only thing she had to give him was his name. It is now his middle name and we use it proudly.

So, could you possibly talk with her and determine a naming for this very loved child?

[thanksgivingmom]

Birthmom checking in...

I never thought that naming my baby would even be an option...when she was named i knew nothing about her adoptive family. we are now working on an openess (this is all still very new as the baby is not even a month old). After my daughter was born, I wondered every day about what name they had chosen. I pictured every name in my head, and names that I used to hate seemed suddenly perfect, because they described this beautiful baby that I had brought into the world.

In the end, in my first letter to the amom regarding openness, I mentioned that I wanted to know the babys name. The next day the social worker called me and told me the baby's name. Amazingly, it is my second favorite choice for a daughters name. This was as perfect a situation for me, because I still have my first choice in case I get the opportunity to have another daughter which I will raise.

Sorry for the rambling, just weighing in on the naming issue

[InBlindFaith]

I hope this makes some of you feel a little better.

I placed my DD in a closed adoption. I didn't pick out the parents. When I gave birth I did name her. I knew her name would be changed in a few weeks, I was okay with that. I wanted her to have a name when she left the hospital and until she was placed in her parents arms, I needed for her to have a name so I was able to call her by that name until I was able able to find out what name was given to her later on.

Last July I did find out her name, and to me, the name they gave her is her real name. The name I gave her was only temporary...it served its purpose. She was called Ashley until the day she was placed in her parents arms and I refered to her as Ashley through the years. Now that I know what her name is I do refer to her by that name...a part of me is relieved to find out it was no longer Ashley. I refered to Ashley as a big secret I carried...now I refer to J as my firstdaughter.

I needed to name her just to help me through this journey.

[kakuehl]

Again, a birthmom weighing in here. When my son was born, I didn't know that I had the option to name him. The nurses told my only after it was recorded as "Baby Boy B****". I really hated that! For almost 33 years I really had no name for him (except what I would have named him.) I've told D what I would have named him - he's told me I have no imagination at all and he's glad I didn't name him!! Ah well. It's good to know I'm consistent - my other two have never been thrilled with their names either, sigh!

[DebCsMom]

I'm an AMom to 3 children. When we named our children, we did it together with the Birth Moms. The names we chose together was the name we gave our child. BUT...I felt that our childrens BMom's should have given them the name THEY wanted! Everyone, including Birth Moms have a dream name for their child. WE FELT IT BETTER FOR OUR CHILDREN TO HAVE A NAME ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE, any name, OTHER THAN "Baby Girl/boy XXXXX"!!!!

In two of our adoptions we chose the name together with the Birth Moms. In our other, the Birth Mom chose the name & that name is on her Original Birth Certificate. Her Birth Mom knew we would choose a different name. We used the name her Birth Mom gave her as her middle name. This name is very special to all of us!

I don't mean to sound cold toward Birth Moms, but if an AFamily has their dream name for a child, THAT is the name that will go on the amended birth certificate. That is the name the child will be called from the moment the AFamily has the child in their arms.

Personally, I think it is a WONDERFUL gift to the child to know his/her Birth Mom gave him/her a special name! A name that SHE chose for her child.

Deb

[AwaitingBeloved]

This is one of those things that are so important to many, many waiting parents. And, it's also important to some birthparents. Not all, but to some. And it sounds like the potential birthmother you are matched with feels strongly about this. I so get what you're saying. That you're upset. And you're upset that you're upset. I'm in that place often about many parts of this new relationship with DD's bparents. I find myself being upset with things that I really, really wish I could be more "kumbaya" about.

When we were matched with DD's bparents last December, we talked about names. Her bparents were not sure if they wanted to name dd. In fact, at first, they told us the names they were considering. KS. The funny thing is, the K name, we had considered the very day we first learned about her bparents, prior to speaking with them. However, we dismissed the name pretty quick because the last two syllables of the name rhymed with our last name.

The S name, I really didn't like. I have a history with that name. Funny the parallel I'm just realizing actually with bparents. I never realized this. I'll come back to this.

On DD's birth day, we were in the hallway, right outside their room, the door was open so we could watch DD while respecting the personal privacy of her bmother while in labor.

While we're in the hall, after we saw our beautiful girl, we heard the nurse asking her bmother what the name was. At first she said whatever the adoptive parents want. I felt so weird. So I told the nurse, please, let them name her. We'll end up changing her name to what we want, let them have this. This was no secret to her bparents. They knew we were planning on naming her (different K name) KM.

So I overhear them tossing around S. The name that I'm not crazy about.

I roomed in with bmother for the two nights she was there. It was an amazing experience. Unforgettable. Extremely stressful, and honestly, I would not do it again because my nerves were that shaky. But, we got to talk and talk and cry and sit in silence and just be together. We learned a lot about each other in those 48 hours.

Then it came time for the bc to be filled out. She asked me if we would consider using S for her middle name. I told her we'd consider it. I wasn't excited about it, but I thought, we really should consider this.

Then, she told me she was naming her KS on her bc. OUR K name. She explained to me that the M name we picked out was a very painful name for her. And right away I decided the M name would be a terrible choice if it's a bad name for bmother. I really don't want her having any negative feelings about anything to do with this pure little angel. So I agreed with the KS.

At first, I thought we might still change her middle name. Not to the M name, but another name that we picked. But, I felt like, this was so nice that she even asked us and this would be an amazing thing for DD, to have a name from her two mothers.

Her middle name, describes her beautiful personality. Truly. And at first, I was afraid to change it that I would jinx her and she'd be miserable because karma would come get me.

So we never changed her middle name.

And.. guess what? Now I love it. I've started thinking about nicknames for the middle name to use for everyday. There are some really cute and unique possibilities.

I will say this. If you know that naming is a high priority and you won't bend, then you may want to consider moving on. However, I also want you to know, when you see your child, you are not really going to care so much what their name is. You're just going to want to be that child's everything, and for your child to know YOUR name.

I have read things about how adopted adults feel when they find out their name was changed. And I try to imagine how I would feel. I don't know if I'd feel like me if I knew I had a different name. I think it'd probably throw me off a little bit if I learned that. And I've read these sentiments from some adopted adults. However, others, have shared that it really didn't affect them at all. And I imagine it could be similar to a person who changes their last name when/if they get married or a person who takes on a confirmation name, etc. It doesn't necessarily change how one feels about themself.

Search your heart, and find out what feels comfortable for you. And honor that choice. It is OK to put your desires first, and eventually, you'll find someone who is okay with your desires (if you haven't already!)

Good luck!