[DonnaLynn]

We are the proud parents of our DD age 2 1/2. We have an open I mean OPEN adoption. Our ** went through major rough times in her life prior and some self inflicted issues when she disappeared weeks after DD was born went for months bouncing from one bad thing to another even homeless. She then hooked up with a bf and things were up and down. She even attempted seucide<sp (not feeling to bad I cant spell that) We provided money, gave her an old van we were no longer using, money, clothes, friendship and as much time as we could get her to participate in with DD.

A month later she found out she was pregnant again. Her and the bf got married feb 2006. I was relieved but cautious I did not think her life would turn around that fast. Sure enough things went up and down. They lived in a 1 room studio and of course would need to move to make room for a baby. Things went from bad to worse. He lost his job...( I never really found out why) Then they lost the apt due to the building being sold. This is when i found out he had a underage record. (it is bad)
So they cant live just anywhere. They moved in with his mom and her 6 cats and 1 old dog. EWWWWWW!!
That was June - the baby was born in Sept. she was tiny and ended up in NICU for a week. Here it is Dec and he has been doing odd jobs under the table. But not DOING NOTHING to get a regular job!!! .. they live in one room in the house as the rest of the house stinks of cats.
This is a disaster waiting to happen! They have been fighting about his not working(her working would not help matters as the money would go to daycare) HE IS NOT CAPABLE of watching the baby.

My question after all of that is -- What do any of you think I can offer to do to help? This is a fragile situation and I am afaid it will get worse.. Any suggestions would be helpful!

Donna

[loveajax]

Donna, I am sorry that your DD's birth parents and her sister are going thru so much stress. Although I think your "worrying" is totally normal, I am not sure that there is much you CAN do.....

I have to "confess" that as an a parent, I really hoped that after our DD's birth parents placed, they immediately would finish their educations, get great jobs, etc. (it seemed to me that that would "justify" the reason for their placing). but it's not our lives, you know, and it's really not our place to judge/interfere, etc.

i think the best thing you can do is offer moral support (which I am sure you do!). hang in there! hopefully, things will turn around for the better.

[kelceesmom]

I think that what you have done so far is above and beyond the call of duty. Sometimes it is best to let others work through things so that they can grow. It is awful to watch but sometimes necessary. They are blessed to have you as a friend. Maybe it is time to take a step back and let them give it a try.

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by DonnaLynn

We are the proud parents of our DD age 2 1/2. We have an open I mean OPEN adoption. Our ** went through major rough times in her life prior and some self inflicted issues when she disappeared weeks after DD was born went for months bouncing from one bad thing to another even homeless. She then hooked up with a bf and things were up and down. She even attempted seucide<sp (not feeling to bad I cant spell that) We provided money, gave her an old van we were no longer using, money, clothes, friendship and as much time as we could get her to participate in with DD.

A month later she found out she was pregnant again. Her and the bf got married feb 2006. I was relieved but cautious I did not think her life would turn around that fast. Sure enough things went up and down. They lived in a 1 room studio and of course would need to move to make room for a baby. Things went from bad to worse. He lost his job...( I never really found out why) Then they lost the apt due to the building being sold. This is when i found out he had a underage record. (it is bad)
So they cant live just anywhere. They moved in with his mom and her 6 cats and 1 old dog. EWWWWWW!!
That was June - the baby was born in Sept. she was tiny and ended up in NICU for a week. Here it is Dec and he has been doing odd jobs under the table. But not DOING NOTHING to get a regular job!!! .. they live in one room in the house as the rest of the house stinks of cats.
This is a disaster waiting to happen! They have been fighting about his not working(her working would not help matters as the money would go to daycare) HE IS NOT CAPABLE of watching the baby.

My question after all of that is -- What do any of you think I can offer to do to help? This is a fragile situation and I am afaid it will get worse.. Any suggestions would be helpful!

Donna

As hard as it is to witness, this is not your problem to solve, nor are you being asked to solve anything. When someone is ready for change, they will come to you and ask HOW questions - HOW did you/can I/should I? Until you hear that, there is no request for help with real change.

So what you can do, and really the only thing you can do, is to listen sympathetically to the extent your heart can bear it. Be mindful of this child: If you feel they are in legitimate peril (this is different from living a lifestyle different from your child or parenting decisions you would not make the same way), then seek out help for that child. Remember this is your child's sibling and you are answerable to both of them.

Beyond that, simply pray that they both find their way.

Best,

Regina

[mommy2jillian]

I must agree with the other posters on this... YOU can only do so much. I went through similar things with DD B-mom and had to just learn to left life happen ya know. You can only help people so much before you have to set back and let them just learn, as long as you keep picking up the pieces for them it will not get better. Unfortunately there is a baby involved, but as stated you can only do so much. Curious... Are you thinking that you might want to adopt this baby too? Cindy

[Treasuring My Gift]

We all which we could solve the worlds problems. However if we get to involved in others lives and try to protect them from the consequences of their decisions, we're not letting them grow. Sometimes it's the hardest thing, but we have to let people make their own decisions and face the consequences.

Be as supportive as you can be without becoming too entangled. If you feel the baby is in danger, then you need to act on that, but otherwise recognize that she will lead a different life because she has different parents.

[DonnaLynn]

My greatest wish is that ** and her family get their lives together and live happily ever after! I see this new baby as perhaps her salvation ( I know big job for a small baby). That she will get it together for the baby and herself. The problem is her husband is failing to play his part get a job and support them. This causes so much discord and fights-- thats when she calls me and I am at a loss cause truly the answer is of course they need MONEY... As to adopting this baby that would only be if the ** & BF asked us..
Or if the state stepped in! It is really that I want whats best for her and in this case I really do want it to be her bparents. We are part of this baby's life as she is my DD sister.
Between my husband and I there are 7 children we are not at a loss for wanting more. WE are Blessed!

Thanks for all the advice!

Donna

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by DonnaLynn

We are the proud parents of our DD age 2 1/2. We have an open I mean OPEN adoption. Our ** went through major rough times in her life prior and some self inflicted issues when she disappeared weeks after DD was born went for months bouncing from one bad thing to another even homeless. She then hooked up with a bf and things were up and down. She even attempted seucide<sp (not feeling to bad I cant spell that) We provided money, gave her an old van we were no longer using, money, clothes, friendship and as much time as we could get her to participate in with DD.

A month later she found out she was pregnant again. Her and the bf got married feb 2006. I was relieved but cautious I did not think her life would turn around that fast. Sure enough things went up and down. They lived in a 1 room studio and of course would need to move to make room for a baby. Things went from bad to worse. He lost his job...( I never really found out why) Then they lost the apt due to the building being sold. This is when i found out he had a underage record. (it is bad)
So they cant live just anywhere. They moved in with his mom and her 6 cats and 1 old dog. EWWWWWW!!
That was June - the baby was born in Sept. she was tiny and ended up in NICU for a week. Here it is Dec and he has been doing odd jobs under the table. But not DOING NOTHING to get a regular job!!! .. they live in one room in the house as the rest of the house stinks of cats.
This is a disaster waiting to happen! They have been fighting about his not working(her working would not help matters as the money would go to daycare) HE IS NOT CAPABLE of watching the baby.

My question after all of that is -- What do any of you think I can offer to do to help? This is a fragile situation and I am afaid it will get worse.. Any suggestions would be helpful!

Donna

You have such a big heart for wanting to help. I think it is key to remember, that as hard as it is for us to take, it is their life to live, their choices to make. You are honoring the choice your child's first mother made by being the Mom to her first child. Now it's her choice to parent and to be married. They have to figure this out. IF there is abuse on any level, you have a responsibility, but my question is... can you go in to help without rescuing and making them dependent? You hit on a key point for me... the husband's unwillingness to find a stable way of supporting his family. What can you do to motivate him to work and do what he should do for his wife and child? Not much I think. Other than that, it would seem like a bandaid solution.

I remember walking away from our first post-placement visit with Bug's first mom and sibs. In their little apartment they had next to nothing. I sobbed when I got to the car because I knew I could go to my house, load up half the things there and take it to them and I probably wouldn't miss those things AT ALL. I wanted to do that but I realize it's not my place to do that.

As long as you are keeping your commitment to openness with your child, you are doing what you can. You are not responsible for her mental well-being nor their lifestyle choice. You are only responsible to do what she asked of you to begin with... to parent her DD and to be open in your relationship. That's it.