[mom2justynsarah]

Hey all,

Yep, I am back again with an issue concerning my husband. His views on adoption, and my views seem to differ on several levels. What makes it worse is that he is an adoptee.

My lovely daughter Sarah will be two years old next Tuesday. Lately, I have been talking to her more and more about her adoption. She LOVES her adoption story~

Part of the story is about her living in another lady's tummy. That lady's name is Dee. Then I go into how we flew to California...etc etc. Then I will ask her whose tummy she lived in. She responds with a huge giggle saying "Dee!"

Well, the issue is that my husband says I should NOT tell her Dee's name. He also said NOT to show her pictures of her birthfamily. All of this must wait until she is 18, or she will grow up feeling disconnected from us. HUH??? I don't feel this way at all!

Am I crazy?? I just don't get it. I am looking for some supportive stories here. Please do NOT flame my husband. I just want him to be re-educated. Adoption is not the same as it was 40 years ago.

God bless,
Julie

[bethy724]

I think you are right on. My son & I pray for "mom Amanda" who carried him in her belly & loves him very much. I see nothing wrong with more people in your childs life (thru stories or prayers) that love him/her & it is safe to assume her bio mom loved her. I would not want to overload him at 18 years old-it seems natural to know where you came from & how your family was formed throughtout your life.

[loveajax]

Julie, good lord, are you sure you are not me?

My DH is an adult adoptee who really is against open adoptions (which we have -- he doesn't mind the updates, but the required annual visit bothers him -- by the way, I should clarify that we didn't know that birth parents wanted the visit until after DD was home with us for days). I actually ENJOY talking to my DD's birth mom and he freaks out when I do. He keeps saying things like, "I just want our family to be US." And I am like, "I'm looking around -- all I see is US." I wouldn't care but it's not as if we our DD's birth parents have been anything but respectful and kind.

It is hard because as an adoptee himself, I feel like he thinks he knows "better." But she is my daughter, and I want to parent her the way I think is best too.

Anyway, good luck to you. I hope he "comes around." I totally think it is so great for a kid to know their adoption story, see pictures, etc.

[HappyTwinsMom]

My daughters are 5 1/2 years old now and we've talked about their adoption from the very beginning. If you ask either of them whose tummy they grew in, they'll say "C's!" It it no way makes them "disconnected" from us as their parents. In fact, if they were any more bonded to me, they'd have to be surgically removed...LOL!

In my opinion, the surest way to make an adopted child feel a sense of disconnection from their adoptive family is to hide information about their origins. It's *their* story...they should get to own it and tell it if they choose.

I can sympathize with your husband's fears, and I'm not putting him down at all, but I do believe he is wrong about this issue.

Best of luck to you!

[2manyks]

most husbands are not as educated as the women. they are at work and we are reading, reading, reading. my husband is opposed to an open adoption. i am not. so when we made our match we said semi-open. now i talk so much to C and tell him all that we say. i mentioned maybe she should just come visit us instead of us going there. he said 'might as well. it doesnt much matter at this point.' which is a positive thing. he realizes that bmoms are not freaks who are going to come and steal our baby from the front yard. they do not want to interfear, they are wonderful people who are sure with their decision.

[JGarrick]

I haven't a clue what's best, but I definitely think it's interesting that the adoptees written of in this thread don't like the openness, but the adoptive parents (except those adopted who are now husbands) do.

There seems to be a lot of momentum behind the open adoption trend, but conventional wisdom has been proven wrong before.

I'm curious, for those of you who have stated that their husbands don't want contact with the birth family of your adopted children: What sort of contact have your husbands had with their birth family?

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by 2manyks

most husbands are not as educated as the women...

Be careful not to overgeneralize. I've read a half-dozen books and who knows how many web pages since we started down this path. My wife knows what she learned in orientation and training, and what a few friends have told her.

We both have limited perspectives. I mostly believe what I read, she mostly believes what she hears.

If you feel you need to educate your husbands (or wives), it's important to do it in a way they'll respond to. Do they like to read? Watch TV? Talk to people? I could hand my wife books all day, and the information would never penetrate because she doesn't like to read. But a five minute chat with someone who's opinion she trusts could change her mind faster than hours of reading.

[mom2justynsarah]

My husband is 41 years old. He was brought up in the "closed" adoption era. The only thing he ever knew about his adoption were benign facts.

For example, he knows what city, state & hospital he was born in. He knows his date of birth. He knows his birthmom was 22, single and Jewish at the time. Other than that, he knows nothing else.

He said that growing up that was fine. It was never an issue to him. As a child, all you know are your parents.

His opinion is that if we start telling her names and showing pictures of her birthfamily, it personalizes it. He said if she was to grow up happy, this is the way it has to be.

Now of course, him being an adoptee I think that maybe he has a point. But on the other hand, I personally think it's wrong NOT to say her birthmom's name.

I would think that by letting her know her birthmom's (Dee) it allows her to realize that her birthmom is a person, with a name. She is out there, she loved her, carried her, gave birth to her and then chose us to parent her baby.

I don't know, I think holding things back causes more pain? What do you think??

Originally Posted by JGarrick

I haven't a clue what's best, but I definitely think it's interesting that the adoptees written of in this thread don't like the openness, but the adoptive parents (except those adopted who are now husbands) do.

There seems to be a lot of momentum behind the open adoption trend, but conventional wisdom has been proven wrong before.

I'm curious, for those of you who have stated that their husbands don't want contact with the birth family of your adopted children: What sort of contact have your husbands had with their birth family?

[mom2justynsarah]

It's always good to hear I am not alone! How old is your hubby?

Originally Posted by loveajax

Julie, good lord, are you sure you are not me?

My DH is an adult adoptee who really is against open adoptions (which we have -- he doesn't mind the updates, but the required annual visit bothers him -- by the way, I should clarify that we didn't know that birth parents wanted the visit until after DD was home with us for days). I actually ENJOY talking to my DD's birth mom and he freaks out when I do. He keeps saying things like, "I just want our family to be US." And I am like, "I'm looking around -- all I see is US." I wouldn't care but it's not as if we our DD's birth parents have been anything but respectful and kind.

It is hard because as an adoptee himself, I feel like he thinks he knows "better." But she is my daughter, and I want to parent her the way I think is best too.

Anyway, good luck to you. I hope he "comes around." I totally think it is so great for a kid to know their adoption story, see pictures, etc.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Now of course, him being an adoptee I think that maybe he has a point.

When were in the "waiting to be matched" phase of our journey, we were talking with a friend in our Bible study group who had been adopted as an infant. He was not told he was even adopted until he was about 21 years old (he was in his late 30's at the time). He insisted it was absolutely the right thing to NOT ever tell a child they were adopted. In fact, he got pretty "in our faces" about it. We told him that we felt it was wrong to keep that kind of information from a child, and that we planned on always being honest about it.

Just goes to show, in my opinion anyway, that just because someone was adopted themselves, they don't necessarily know the healthiest way to deal with it.

[BrandyHagz]

I definitely think it's interesting that the adoptees written of in this thread don't like the openness

Not all adoptees feel that way. Its hard for someone who has never experienced something to give feedback on it.

I could not imagine being part of a closed adoption - but then again, I've never experienced that, so I can't say what is better and what isn't.

I can, however, say that MY experience with open adoption was great, both as an adoptee and now as a birthmom.

I can't imagine NOT knowing what I knew growing up an not having the connections I had growing up...but there are TONS of adoptees in closed adoption who will say just the opposite.

It all depends on the experience and the person. We may never know, for sure, what impact open adoption has had on adoptees raised in open adoption...I find it more ironic that more of them don't post here...but then again, if life is grand, why would they?

[mznia504]

I agree that you don't want to overload your child once she turns 18. That may cause her anger or hurt.

We are putting together a scrap book for our son. In the book there will be a picture of him with his bmom, his medical records with bmom's name on it, and his id bracelet with the name they gave him at birth. We will begin to discuss his adoption with him early in life(just as you are!) through adoption books at bedtime, and simply explaining to him that he didn't grow in my tummy but in bmom's.

[Leigh131313]

as a disclaimer..we do have an open adoption.


However..I think the assumption that open IS THE best type of adoption, is not completely fair. Perhaps your husband does not need to be re-educated, perhaps he just honestly feels this way - no matter how much he researches.

Sometimes I think we are so busy believing we are right...that we can't understand why someone else has a different perspective.

I'm not saying what your adoption should look like....but....your husband is just as much her father as you are her mother. I think his opinion should matter too.

[Mommy24]

I do agree that what works for some wont necessarily work for all, I dont see how a child knowing the name of the woman that gave him/her life is going to cause harm or unhappiness?! What does cause harm and unhappiness is secrets, lies and the fear of the unknown.

What saddens me the most about your situation Mom is that you and your husband dont appear to have been on the same page on your opinion of what you wanted in regards to the relationship with your childs birthfamily and now it is a bigger issue.

I dont really have much advice other than seeking counceling, Parents really need to be supporting one anothers decision and try to be on the same page in all aspects of a childs life adopted or not, so I can imagine this must be very hard on you both!

Good luck!

[MollyinSD]

Well they say a lot of male adoptees will never search and don't feel the need to as much as females, so maybe this to could explain some of his feelings...who knows for sure.

I am a female adoptee from a closed adoption.

I just always had questions and probably always will, so I think being open as long as her first mom is okay with that, then I think that is best.

We have a 2.5 year old son. His adoption is also closed, not our choice. His first mom also stated she did not want him to search for her, etc. So I am kind of at a loss as to what to share with him. I have very minimal info but I know how it felt to have none...arrghhh!

Anyway back to your predicament. I think that her story is important and I think it is great that you share it with her. I think information should come as she gets older as well...I hope you are able to have your DH think a little differently, but I understand where he might be coming from too...

Right now my son knows he is adopted, that he was a miracle and that God brought him to us. As he gets older I will make to make the more specific decision as to what to tell him. I want to honor his first mom's wishes, but also want to honor her in the gift of life she gave us.