[redbonec]

Back in June I had posted about an uneasy aspect of our adoption situation--I'll try to review info that would be pertinent here without being completely longwinded:

I had become friends with another one of the waiting couples, well, namely the wife of one of the couples. In the spring, they were excited because someone they knew had linked them with an expectant mother. They sent info to her about the agency to get things started. For a couple months, they were under the impression that everything was going as planned as an "identified adoption."

Then, in June, we get a call from our agency and would we like to be presented to a birthmother, and they proceeded to tell us about her. We realized it was the same birthmother as the one my friend thought they were matched with. I spoke with my friend, and although she was upset about the "match" falling through, she did not hold any ill feelings toward us and wanted us to be presented. The birthmother chose us, and we did adopt the baby, who is our daughter now.

It was a tough thing for everyone--
-the waiting couple didn't know why the birthmother had "changed her mind" (it turns out that the birthmother knew she wanted to look at other couples when she went to the agency, the agency did not tell the couple this) and why there weren't "good enough"
-the birthmother felt bad about not choosing them, said she went with what felt right and has kept them in her prayers for the right baby to come to them.

Well, in July my friend and her husband decided to withdraw from the adoption program, sent in a letter and she donated all of her baby things to a shelter. Then, the agency called and told them there were 9 potential birthmothers in the program--for several months before this there were NONE. So, the couple went back in to the program.

In October, my friend and her husband decided again to withdraw, this time it was final. He has been having some health issues--has had many eye surgeries and they do not know how his eye sight will be. They decided it would be best to not continue, especially because they are in the middle of his health situation now.
The day after they decided, the agency called and finally there was a baby they could adopt. They talked about it all night and decided that they would decline.
After years of infertility treatments and surgeries and 2 years of waiting to adopt, they decided that this was not their plan anymore, and God would have other plans for them. They are now moving into a new direction--possibly providing respite care--as they still want to care for children.

She mentioned that some friends do not understand why they would not accept the baby. I think it was an amazing selfless decision--they decided to not go with what they wanted more than anything, but instead to do what was best for everyone, including the baby that could have come to them.

There is the background. Today our daughter's birthmother called. One thing she asked is if the other couple had adopted a baby yet, as her mother was asking too (this was not meant to be a nosy question--they have always thought about them and hoped for them). I hem and hawed around the answer, not sure what to say. I didn't want to spill private details my friend had told me, but I couldn't go on for years and forever saying that they were still waiting, and I couldn't lie and say yes.

So, I finally said they decided they would not be waiting to adopt anymore. To which birthmother said she felt really bad. I couldn't leave it at that, and have her carry that guilt with her, so I did tell that it was because of health reasons and gave a brief detail. I also told her about the last situation that was presented to them to let her know that her decision was not the reason they do not have a baby, and spoke about how it was very hard to decide, but what was best for them now. Then I said they were moving into a new direction to still include children in their lives--the respite care. Birthmother did feel better, and said it was heartwarming.

When I got off the phone, I felt bad. I feel I should not have said some things my friend had told me. I also don't know what I could have said instead to have the birthmother at peace with things.
Besides my husband, I have never spoken of my friend's conversations to anyone.
I also worry now that if birthmother tells her mom and her friend (who knows a relative of the couple--that's how they connected in the first place) it may get back to her.
Maybe I should call her back and tell her to not pass on any details to her mom and friend?
I feel like a schmuk.

[Leigh131313]

I think you did the right thing.

can you just email the birthmom? Just say, you realy felt that you needed to tell her about your friends situation, however you would apreciate it if she kept it private.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it.......an email would be better, i think.

[mommy2jillian]

I agree with Leigh... Just e-mail her adn explain that you are now worried that you may hurt the other families feelings, although I really don't think you did anything wrong. You are simply asked a question and answered it. It was sweet that you didn't want the B.M to feel bad but now you are in that situation, feeling guilty. Juast make the call or email and I am sure it will all be ok. Let us know if you have already talked to people involved and how it went...

[Hadley2]

I think your gut is telling you that a boundary was crossed, and IMHO, it was, even if somewhat understandably. So, I tend to disagree with the pp's. The older I get, the more I realize that speaking for other people just isn't OK.

First and foremost, what they have told you, they told you at that particular moment in time, in that particular place, in the context of their particular relationship to you. What they may or may not tell other people at other times, in other places and circumstances may be very different. That doesn't mean they are lying, necessarily, but that things can shift dramatically depending on who is talking to whom, when and where.

For all you know, the birthmother may have known about another child who might now be perfect for your friends. By speaking for her, you may have made a life-changing decision for her without her knowledge.

This entanglement probably shouldn't have happened in the first place, but is very understandable given people's natural social nature and the openness of proceedings today. Also, I know that when I was younger, I had difficulty not answering a question put to me directly, especially in a social situation where I felt the need to be "polite." The older I get, the less problem I have saying, "you know, I just can't comment on that, you really need to talk to the other person." Given that the entanglement happened, however, a strong sense of boundaries needs to come into play.

If it were me, I'd re-contact the birthmother and say something like, "you know, it wasn't my place to speak for my friend or broadcast her business. She may have answered you very differently, I don't really know. Please keep what I said private, and if you or someone you know is making any decisions that might affect my friend, please find a way to contact her directly. I'm also going to let my friend know these conversations took place and apologize for speaking for her." Then I'd do it.

There's a reason we sometimes come away from a situation not feeling right about it. When I dont' listen to that feeling, I usually regret it. Whatever you do, I hope all works out well for both your friends.

[redbonec]

Hi,
I did call bmom back, and asked her to keep the conversation private. She understood and said she would not say anything.
It is hard to know how to answer the right way sometimes. The answer of "I just can't comment on that; you need to talk to the other person," is a good one. Although that was not possible this time, she could not have talked to her, it's still a good answer to remember in the future.
Thanks,
Michelle