[smallwiseone]

I just need to vent and hopefully hear something uplifting. I am really down today... This board is about adoption, which is why I came to it, but it seems like ever since my dh and I have been looking into it, our relationship has gone downhill. I know I've not been in a good mood lately, but every thing I do is not good enough for dh. He hasn't always been nice, but here lately he calls me every name in the book whenever I do something to irritate him (well, he gets beyond irritated real fast)- "moron, retard, idiot, cry-baby"... you name it, and with the "f" word in front of each of those names. So then I think "How are we supposed to raise a child together? How will he treat our child?" I just can't believe this. We've been married four years and I thought it was going well, and in the past those words didn't hurt but they're really having an impact on me now, especially when it happens almost every day. Of course, he blames me, so I try to look at it from his perspective, but there's no reason he should treat me like that and say those things. We've tried counseling in the past (originally because of the infertility issue), but I don't feel he really was up for it, so I never pushed it. We only went to one session together. I went to one separately by myself, but never went back because dh wasn't making much of an effort. Does anyone have any advice or encouraging words? I feel like adopting a baby and raising on my own.

[spitzlvr]

Oh hon! That is verbal abuse, and you should not have to put up with it.

You say those words didn't have an effect on you, but I will bet they did.

Since you asked for advice, I will give it.
Get into therapy - alone.
Tell all.
Get away from him - call it trial separation if you need to.

Don't bring a baby in family dynamics like that.

My heart hurts for you.

You can raise a child as a single parent.

Run.

Vent here - we will always listen.

[NJNative]

No one ever has the right to talk to you like that. If my husband did that to me, he would be told he was not to come home. I would not stay with someone like that. My father and my brother would never speak to me like that -- and no one else has the right to do it either.

I think your husband needs a wake-up call. You need to either talk to him or write him a letter explaining why this is NOT OK. You should insist on counseling immediately and if he refuses to go, tell him you want to separate. Maybe that will make him understand that you are serious and he can't behave this way anymore. And if he still doesn't get it, then you will have your answer.

But you definitely should not be bringing an innocent child into that kind of verbal abuse. It won't get better, unless something changes. And no child should have to witness -- or endure -- that kind of abuse.

Good luck!

Robin

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by smallwiseone

I feel like adopting a baby and raising on my own.

Given the rest of the story, that seems like a more sensible plan. If your husband treats you as you've described, how do you think he will treat a powerless child? He needs a wake-up call, as others have stated. An ultimatum to get help or get out would be appropriate, but if you won't demand that for your benefit, you must do it before bringing in a child.

[Leigh131313]

Bringing a baby into a home (through birth or adoption) is actually a crisis situation....did you know that? I knew that it was stressful, but it is actually the equivillant of a crisis. It's good, but it's still crisis mode.

I feel very strongly that this type of environment is NOT good for ANY child....

and I really hope you have the strength to stand up for yourself on this, and either get help or get out.

These things can/do escalate...please look after yourself.

[bethy724]

You should never bring a child into a failing relationship. Get your marrage or life alone situated first & than look into parenting. I am a single mother & will not bring any person into my life that is not good enough for my son (I come second) I certainly would not consider a child with a person who sounds like a bully & abuser. If he does this to you he WILL do it to a child.

[Ladyofmoonlight]

Oh hon, I'm sure you must be feeling awful right now! Just remember, this is not your fault, no matter what he says! I know you probably don't want to wait any longer to become a parent, but I do think that is what's best. You should try counseling with him again, but if he's still not even attempting to make it work then I would try a trial separation. You may find, once you're away from him, that you're in a much better situation than you thought you'd be in.

My father has always been somewhat verbally/emotionally abusive. It was never anything outright bad: I was never called a cuss word or anything derogatory, but I was always reminded how worthless I was and how much I failed him. He acted the same way towards my mother, but she stayed with him. It's worked out, they're still together, and he's gotten better but he still says hurtful things. My mother never saw the affect it had on me and to this day defends him since he "can't help himself." One of the first things I told my husband is that I didn't care how angry he was or how witty he thought he was being, if he treated our kids like that he was gone, no questions asked. I know it wasn't that bad compared to others, but I still would rather not see a kid in that situation again. No one should be someone else's "punching bag," physically or otherwise, especially not a child.

Good luck, and keep us posted,
Megan

[kelceesmom]

You shouldn't bring a baby into that situation. It will only make things worse. This man has taken away your dignity and self respect. You somehow need to find it again. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated that way. I would seperate from him and work on yourself. That doesn't mean you have to get a divorce. One step at a time. Good luck.

[BuffaloBob]

Truth be told, if the environment is as hostile as you describe, you may not even make it through a home study.

Follow the other's advice already given. Find concrete ways to make the situation better. Then when it's better you can adopt knowing the child is coming into a good environment.

[pg13209]

Ok,
Maybe he is jealous of the attention that the new baby will get? Obviously he has some serious issues. You do not want to bring a child in to that. Is he like this when there is no talk about adoption? Or is it only just recently that this has happened? He is scared. He needs counseling

[Fran27]

I don't think there is any excuse for that behavior... period.

My sister was in the same kind of situation. Married 4 years, and she met a guy totally different from her husband, and realized that there are better men out there. She's divorced and living with the new guy now.

There are better guys out there. Nobody should have to put up with verbal abuse. And don't bring a child in such a situation, it will be horrible for the child...

My opinion? Leave him, and adopt a child on your own. No child deserves such a father.

[mumofone]

That is most definitely verbal abuse. He can make excuses for why he is doing it, but it does not make it right.

Please seek counselling for yourself.

Honestly, I wouldn't bring a child into your relationship right now because the verbal abuse will probably escalate and hearing such nasty foul language will not make a child feel very secure.

Good luck.

[happygmom]

Verbal abuse is almost as damaging as physical abuse. It is abuse.

My guess is that your sweetie is having trouble dealing with the emotional ups and downs of adoption. His verbal abuse may be a cry for help and a sign that he is having trouble dealing with HIS feelings.

Please go to a counselor where he has a safe place to express his fears and you have a safe place to react to your hurt.

Hugs!!

Happy G'Ma

[sanielsen]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and totally agree with everyone else on this board. Adding a baby to an already volatile household will not end positively for anyone involved. Babies can be a huge stressor on a relationship and if your relationship is rocky, it could tip things the wrong way.
I think you should go to counseling, with or without your husband and put your adoption plans on hold - I know that will be hard to do as you have your heart set on a baby, but if your husband is already verbally abusing you, think about what he'll do when you try to leave him with your baby.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[MlynnBrrtt]

Being the product of an Alcoholic/Toxic/Dysfunctional family in which both of my parents had personality/charter disorders in which emotional abuse IDENTICAL to that which you describe was a daily normal routine....I can tell you that bringing a child into this situation would not be fair to you, the child who you promised to love & protect, or the child's birth mother who is counting on you to offer a SAFE(emotional abuse is damaging to a child...this is not a "safe" situation for a child), loving, and nurturing family to her child.

Trust me.. daddy emotionally abusing mommy is scary for a child. Children know they aren't safe in their own home....even if daddy never lifts a finger. Living in the daily fear of daddy's temper and hurtful words/actions cause the child to walk on egg shells & experience pyscological & emotional trauma's that have long lasting effects. Parents can destroy a child's spirit with out ever lifting a finger...the effects can even be more devestating then physical abuse...and longer lasting...it leaves scars that often last forever.

If adoption is about giving children "better lives" then I don't see how bringing a child into this situation...even if it is what you despratley long for....would be in the child's best intrest.