[hedgie]

My dh and I have an open adoption w/ the PBmom delivering as soon as 2 weeks as long as 4. (This is not her first child- and ALL of her children were born during the 37 week- but actual due date is Jan.4).
She would like us to be at the hospital during the birth. She has given two other chldren up for adoption- in which the aparents were in the room.
I'm so overwelmed w/ the details of this- Excited - but overwhelmed! So I was just hoping to hear any of your stories...
Did you stay at the hopstial? Were you the 'primary' caretaker of the baby while there? Did the baby stay in the bmom's room? How did the hospital staff treat you?

Also sort of a sidenote but if you went to the hospital did your 'parents/extended family' come to the hospital as well? My MIL made the comment at Thanksgiving that if the baby wasn't born until Chistmas Eve they would just bring the 'party to the hospital' and she was being serious!. I think this is inappropriate, at least in our situation, but w/ all the emotions running high- I don't think that is really the best situation... I just told her it wasn't 'our permission' to give to let her visit at the hospital. What are your thoughts?
Jenn.

[Leigh131313]

Yeah, I'd say having your family there is extremely inapropriate.

It's really important to remember that you are a guest....even in your own room, any thing to do with the baby is up to the pbmom. She may decide to let you do the caretaking, but thats her choice..kwim?

the hospital is an extremely emotional time for everyone. I felt everything from Joy, Fear, Anger, Sadness...you name it, I felt it at some point during that time....

The adoptive experience in a hospital is not the same as it would be had you given birth...I hope your family can understand that.

[2manyks]

We went to the hospital at our bmoms request. we didnt invite extended family to visit, even though they wanted to. this was not our baby yet and everyone had to be patient. our bmom decided to not room with the baby and to not stay on the mother/baby floor. we stayed in the nursery w/ the baby. all the rooms were full. the next day the nurses put us in an unused section of the nursery so we could have some privacy with the baby. the nursing staff was wonderful!!!!!!!!!! never a question about us making decisions about the baby or letting take care of him. i know this is not the same for everyone though.

good luck. it will be fine and just remember to go with the flow. this is pbmoms time with the baby and she needs to do whatever helps her. you will get your time with the baby.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

Yeah, I'd say having your family there is extremely inapropriate.
.

I agree 110% - this is not a time for your family to meet the baby. If the pbmom does decide to place your family will have many years to spend with the child and to make memories. You need to take the pbmom's lead on this whole thing. If you feel comfortable and she wants you there, fine, but please play things by ear. She might decide now to not care for the baby, but once the baby is born she might change her mind. So please let the pbmom take the lead.

[SL&RL]

We stayed in the hospital with our son and his birthmother. I was soooo anxious about how things would work. My husband and I slept on the pull out couch and took care of all the needs of our son but made sure to ask his birthmother each time. She opted to hold and cuddle but skip the diaper changes. It was a very difficult time and I am thinking of going thru it again and....uh ..... want to throw up thinking about the time in the hospital again
The staff was pretty good to us. They addressed all situations to his birthmother (circumcision, rash on neck, bath, etc) and she replied to ask his parents but I was sooo glad they asked his birthmother first. It all worked out....but boy it was emotional.
Best of luck! My personality is not to go into a situation and take over if you know what I mean. And I can imagine some of my friends really making things tough by taking control of things when it really isn't their place.

[Noswal]

I find all of this very interesting. Because things as so different in South Africa.

Our pbmother will only be in the maternity section while she is being prepped for the c-section (elective). From there she gets moved into a general gynae ward and never has any contact with the baby at all. (Unless of course she changes her mind). Most Drs here try to book the adoptive mother into the maternity ward to look after the baby’s needs. We are allowed to be present at the birth with the pbmother’s permission, the gynae’s I have spoken too recommend it to both parties involved.. Because our pbmother is in a different part of the hospital I don’t see a problem with the extended family visiting.

At least your MIL is excited about being a granny.

[jaenelle]

We weren't even notified of DD's birth until after she was already born. Her bmom didn't want to choose the adoptive family, and didn't want to meet us. Although I would have liked to meet her, I'm glad we weren't there for Yuna's birth. I don't feel it's the adoptive family's place to be there during the birth. I think they're intruding on the few moments the birthmom will have with her child, and they should have more respect for her than that.

[ContactChar]

I missed SnuggleBunny's birth, but arrived at the hospital a couple hours later. My parents were with me. T had already agreed to my mom accompanying me, but I was nervous about my dad going in to meet T. The social worker went in ahead of us and cleared it, but I was still nervous, so I went in alone. . . and T said "where are your parents? Don't be crazy! Bring them in!" She didn't have the baby in the room with her, but her cousin led us down the hall to the nursery to meet her.

In my case, I think it was okay. T wanted to meet my family, and wanted to see our happiness and excitement. My parents were on their best behavior so that helped. My sister and niece wanted to come to the hospital the next day and meet T and the baby, and I told them no.

[BrandyHagz]

Ten years ago, my daughters parents were present at her birth - her mom was my birthing coach, at my request.

Also, family and friends did visit, also at my request.

I would say that ALL of it is up to mom...if you are unsure if something is ok - ask her how she feels. In the end, she should be the one who makes the decisions.

The baby may or may not be in the room with mom...its up to her. We split it about 50/50 - but at my request, her amom stayed with me in the room most of the time - I wanted her to experience everything...again, my decision.

I don't think there is any right or wrong when it comes to this...of course, members can share how they would have felt or how it went for them (just as I have) but in the end, there is no gold standard and everything, even down to the littlest detail, should be left up to the mom, until she has signed the papers that say she isn't the mom anymore.

Good luck! Ours went really well...I wouldn't change a thing - and M's mom only would have changed one thing...she says she still feels that her holding her daughter first (at my request) was wrong...that she should have gone to me...I disagree (and obviously, my decision trumped her feelings on that )

[hedgie]

It's good to hear all your stories.
Our bmom wants us to be a part of EVERYTHING, she was upset when she was first told that we couldn't be at the birth, so I feel pretty confident that she wants us to be part of things... (she is in jail currently- so we had to go through the chain of commands to make it happen- and as of yesterday the Sheriff said it was ok- for us to be in there!)
I just want to be as supportive, and caring to her as possible. I would think that I would 'want' to see the amom take care of the baby- but then I wonder if that would make it harder... I love our bmom- I truly do, and I just want her to have the little time she gets w/ her child to be the way she wants it! Though I know that she will want us to be a part of things.
I will definitley be taking her lead on the isses!

The thing w/ my MIL/FIL is that I don't want them there- I feel that they can wait for the 72hrs. and then visit- apart from making me a nervous reck (like I won't already be) my FIL is notorius for making inappropriate comments- and THAT I won't tolerate- and I don't think her family should have to either... I know that my parents would love to come to the hospital but would never just 'expect' that they get to be there! If I was the one in labor than yes, but in this situation I think no. But I just wondered how everyone else handled this situation?

Jenn.

[Leigh131313]

Hedgie..


I have to agree that it is an extremely difficult time for you....If you are not 100% comfortable with having them there, they will push you over the edge...trust me.

I stayed at my cousins house when M was born. They didn't come to the hospital...but them just being around during that time was enough for me to want to go postal!!

[loveajax]

Hedgie, we were there.

I don't agree that "it's not the adoptive family's place to be there during birth." It's certainly not up to you, but there are birth moms (like mine, and it sounds like yours) that will want you there.

I can say with all honesty that it was one of the most joyous and amazing experiences of my life to be there when DD entered the world. (I know this is not possible, or even preferable, in many situations to happen.) I got to cut the cord, etc. I also helped birth mom in her delivery.

The hospital staff was really nice to us (in fact, I thought, "too" nice to us -- e.g., the nurse had me hold the baby first. I realize now that it was wrong, but I was sort of "stunned.") . Our DD stayed with birth mom for two nights and we visited in the room. We all sort of took turns holding her and caring for her.

I CAN say it was an EXTREMELY emotional time. While I was so joyous to be with my dd, I literally bawled my eyes out all night DD was born thinking about her birth mom and what she was going thru.

Re: extended family, again I think that would be birth mom's call. But it sounds like you are not "into it," and I don't think it's such a great idea. It would probably be "too much," imo.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by hedgie

My dh and I have an open adoption w/ the PBmom delivering as soon as 2 weeks as long as 4. (This is not her first child- and ALL of her children were born during the 37 week- but actual due date is Jan.4).
She would like us to be at the hospital during the birth. She has given two other chldren up for adoption- in which the aparents were in the room.
I'm so overwelmed w/ the details of this- Excited - but overwhelmed! So I was just hoping to hear any of your stories...
Did you stay at the hopstial? Were you the 'primary' caretaker of the baby while there? Did the baby stay in the bmom's room? How did the hospital staff treat you?

Also sort of a sidenote but if you went to the hospital did your 'parents/extended family' come to the hospital as well? My MIL made the comment at Thanksgiving that if the baby wasn't born until Chistmas Eve they would just bring the 'party to the hospital' and she was being serious!. I think this is inappropriate, at least in our situation, but w/ all the emotions running high- I don't think that is really the best situation... I just told her it wasn't 'our permission' to give to let her visit at the hospital. What are your thoughts?
Jenn.

We were present at the hospital for both of our placements, at the request of the first mother. I say it that way because alot of the questions you ask can only be answered by this statement (IMO)... "the hospital experience is all about the expecting/new mother and her needs and her family's needs". I believe being present there ifor the birth is a privilege not a right (and I am under the assumption that you see it that way... just asking the questions shows that...) therefore all of these kinds of decisions are upto the expecting/new mother. She may invite you to be there and may change her mind. You have to plan (and make a plan with her) knowing full well that once labor starts, she may change her mind.

We tried to prepare ourselves both times that we were there ONLY to support the expecting mom and needed her permission to do anything, including being in her room, being present at the birth or caring for the baby. This needs to be foremost in your mind as you deal with hospital staff. Both times, we were very upfront with the fact that the new mother was THE mother, making decisions and we would go with her wishes. Only when she deferred to us for those decisions did we weigh in on them. ANd example of this with DD... we were DD's first mother's only support in the hospital. I actually ended up in an amazing supporting role that is probably the closest I'll get to any birth. When it came to cut the cord, the doc offered me the scissors. I deferred to K who wanted me to do it. I asked if it was okay if Hubby did. In that way, she made the decision. It was how she wanted.

It would be great if you and the expecting mom went into the hospital experience with a plan so you have an idea what will happen. But you also don't want to push that issue either, which means that you have to become a "go with the flow, background" kind of person.

In both situations, we became primary caregivers of both kids. For DD, her First Mom left the hospital within hours, at her request, as she had two older children to care for. We were with her all day, at her request, and during that time, we cared for Bug together. After Hubby took K home, Hubby and I stayed the night with Bug in a room.

FOR Roo, his First Mom made the decision that she didn't want to care for him overnight but she also didn't want him to be alone. SO I spent the night with him in the ICU, at her request. The next day, she chose for us to stay away so she could spend time with him and care for him herself for the rest of the time. We were completely supportive of her wishes. He was her son, afterall.

As for having guests visit you, I would really, really discourage this. Again, the birth is not yours to share, but the expecting/new mother's experience, and that of her family. Although I can understand the excitement of everyone (and they should be!) this is SO different from you giving birth and they have to understand that. And I guarantee that you will treasure whatever time you have just with babe and his mother (and her family) in the hospital. You won't want to have to "entertain" others who might show up. We actually had a very awkward experience with DD's birth. We were hanging out with his Mom and in walked a friend of ours from home (which is over 2 1/2 hours away). She is a dear friend but we had only told one person from home (not her) that we were even at the hospital. She just happened to be at the hospital for an appt that day and ran into Hubby in the lobby. What a fluke but really, it was uncomfortable because I didn't want Bug's first mom to think we had invited her. She was respectful and kept her visit very short but it was still awkward.

With Bug, in the end, we did have visitors but only AFTER Bug's First MOm decided that she wanted to be discharged and Hubby took her and her two children (who had spent the whole day with us as well... there were times when Hubby and I were caring for all three kids in a waiting room while Bug's First MOm slept) home. Only then did we start calling and invited a couple friends to visit. With Roo, we were over 6 hours away from home... no visitors and we were thankful in many ways we didn't have to deal with others as it was (well they both were) HIGHLY EMOTIONAL situations.

Bug stayed in First MOm's room but again, it was only for the day and she wanted us there too. We spent the night with Bug by ourselves at the hospital that night. WIth Roo, he was with First Mom part of the time, but not through the night.

Sorry this got so long... I get very passionate about making it clear that this experience is not ours, as hopeful waiting parents, to make decisions about. I think in your questions, you grasp that as well. Anyway, this is our experience.

Hope for the best for all of you...

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by hedgie

The thing w/ my MIL/FIL is that I don't want them there- I feel that they can wait for the 72hrs. and then visit- apart from making me a nervous reck (like I won't already be) my FIL is notorius for making inappropriate comments- and THAT I won't tolerate- and I don't think her family should have to either... I know that my parents would love to come to the hospital but would never just 'expect' that they get to be there! If I was the one in labor than yes, but in this situation I think no. But I just wondered how everyone else handled this situation?

Jenn.

If family would have assumed they were invited (they didn't) I would have first been very upfront about the fact that this isn't about them, that it IS very different than if you were giving birth. If they don't seem to understand that, then we just wouldn't have told them when the expecting mom went into labor. If they can't respect the boundaries we set then they don't get the privilege of knowing the details of things. It's simple to me...

As for wanting one and not the other, sadly, I would have just not invited anyone.

[ourdreamcametru]

We went to the hospital with Castle's birthmother when she was admitted to be induced and were in the room when she delivered. We spent the day with her and her extended family and eveything went great. My mother had our two older boys that day and stopped by around lunch time to check in. This was very uncomfortable for me and my husband so I would not encourage any family until at least the next day. "E" chose not to tend to Castle once she was born, our hospital gave my husband and I a room of our own down the hall so we kept her in the room with us and "E" visited a couple of times but didn't ever want to feed her or care for her in anyway. Our family and friends came to visit the day after Castle was born when we knew for sure that "E" was okay with it. As has already been stated, the hospital time is so very emotional, you will not understand until you have been there so be sure you and your pbmother are making the rules together as to when and if anyone will be allowed at the hospital. In our case "E" went home the day after the birth but we had to stay with Castle for three more days because of some feeding problems so this made it much easier for us to have company once "E" had left because we didn't feel like we were intruding on her time.