[Stormster]

As many of you know, we went into a late pregnancy situation where we knew pretty soon that the father, who is the ex of the birth mother and is really a bad guy....(though now I know that doesn't matter at all in the eyes of the law) was against the adoption. Many of you advised me to leave it alone and move on. Well our consultant said to keep our date to visit the birth mother (Second Time) because she has seen many birth father's change their minds at the last minute.

They had asked for some video of our house, schools and family. Well in my true fashion I learned how to use our digital camcorder (not easy!) and walked around for hours atthanksgiving doing these cute interviews and hours in our neighborhood and house filming everything I would want to see. As usual, did my BEST to do the right thing and make the birthmother feel more secure (she had already chosen us) about where her child might live.

WELL, yesterday was the day. 2 hour drive each way (I know that isn't so bad but my husband has only one day off a week) and my consultant spoke to them that morning and explained to us that they think the birth father was moving in the "right" direction blah blah. I noticed something was wrong when they didn't want to see my video. Well they finally did and after much yawning and not really looking at it they finally told me this.

The birth mother spoke to him the previous night. He said no way in hell would he EVER sign ANYTHING and that she was a sc-mbag (ewww) for even considering adoption. That he would take the baby and go on welfare. She apparently said "don't you want her to have what we didn't have? She could go to college?" He said a lot of poor kids make it to college etc....

THEN she and her Aunt (who has been orchestrating the whole thing and is the one who has all these big plans to get around the birthfather said, I kid you not) We have decided to say anothe rman is the father and then that she had a stilborn!!!!! I was floored. We were sitting there, I burst into tears, grabbed my husband and we left. My last words to the birth mother was good luck.

When I cried I was crying for the whole situation. I was so depressed yesterday I couldn't bare it. I cannot imagine for the life of me doing what they suggested. It first of all is illegal, unethical and puts me and my husband at huge risk for many problems.

But most of all, I told them a month ago, I would do anything to help as long as it wasn't illegal or unethical. Can you imagine?

I don't know if I want to continue with private adoption. My consultant did not protect me enough from this situation (she's supposed to screen good from bad cases) though she does have a lot of value in other ways and we were all duped by the aunt.

Part of me wants to write off the money we've spent (about 10K) and start over with an agency where I don't get to know the birth mother at all, well not like I got entrenched here.

Part of me wants to do surrogacy which is really a fortune but at least we have some control.

Anyway, as somebody once said, I think it was Oprah: When someone tells you what they are, believe them. In this case....Someone told me a situation. Next time I will believe them and not try and move mountains. I think this post belongs on this board because it is a pre-adoption thing.

What made me cry the most is how earnest I was....staying up all night making profiles and videos and jumping through hoops. THEY DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SEE THE VIDEO!!!! I can't explain why that hurt so much. I also brought pics of my extended family. I never had the illusion that this thing was going to work (just a slim chance we decided to try) but the Aunt and the birth mother who I thought I knew so well....they just turned out to be people willing to do really sick things and that just freaked me out.

Sorry for going on and on....Any support would be appreciated. I know all about birth father's rights (I have my PhD now believe me. What I need is just a little advice about private vs. agency or surrogate and some support because I'm just so shocked.

Thanks in advance. Love, G

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm sorry that the consultant led you astray on this one. She should also be counseling you that members of the expectant family aren't birth mothers or birth fathers until the TPR is signed. It not only disrespects them but sets you up for heartache when you realize that, no, they aren't a birthmother.

Private adoption is hard. So is agency adoption. So are the holidays. I hope you find some peace and resolution from this obvious loss.

But now I want to see the video.

[oleson1]

BIG HUGS from me to you.

Nobody understands how difficult this whole process is. Now is your time to grieve. You are right - your consultant did should have done a better job.

All I can say is I am SO SORRY. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that the costs are a huge factor in whether or not you switch agencies, but I will definitely be thinking of you as you are weighing your options during this time.

[lonni]

Oh no;~(( I am so sorry.((((((HUGS))))))) I would love to see the video too though.
I am glad you learned your video camera's operation,since you WILL be using it soon to record your little diddles;~)

edited for typo

[Stormster]

Thanks everyone. Here are the positives. I am more Savvy about birth fathers and understand the rights of birth parents....both legally and ethically. I am more savvy also about letting my consultant and attorney get more involved IN THE BEGINNING. I am not going to get ahead of myself again, thinking about names and all that....ok literally obsessing about names....LOL and finally,

I know how to operate a very expensive camcorder that has been sitting in our house since last christmas! It really touched me that you guys "get it" about having someone not even care enough to look at it.

Oh one more thing...the birth mother said "i might just have to put "it" in foster care" That's when I lost it. Can a birthmother just put a baby in foster care???? Without Dad's consent?

Anyway thanks so much for your words, they really do help!

[kelceesmom]

I am so sorry that your family it going through this. I believe it is even harder at the holiday time. Sometimes we are put in these situations to learn something. What that might be who knows. Maybe for you it is just that, having to high of expectations before things are final. Whatever the reason your precious little one is waiting for the right time to come into your arms. I wish you some peace and can't wait to hear when your time has come.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by gwennspeak

Thanks everyone. Here are the positives. I am more Savvy about birth fathers and understand the rights of birth parents....both legally and ethically. I am more savvy also about letting my consultant and attorney get more involved IN THE BEGINNING. I am not going to get ahead of myself again, thinking about names and all that....ok literally obsessing about names....LOL and finally,

I know how to operate a very expensive camcorder that has been sitting in our house since last christmas! It really touched me that you guys "get it" about having someone not even care enough to look at it.

Oh one more thing...the birth mother said "i might just have to put "it" in foster care" That's when I lost it. Can a birthmother just put a baby in foster care???? Without Dad's consent?

Anyway thanks so much for your words, they really do help!

I honestly don't know if an expectant mother can just decide to place her child in a foster home. I would imagine she could, but she might risk losing her rights to the baby's dad. I am not a lawyer and not sure how all that works.

I am sorry you had such a difficult time. I am sure you did work hard on that video. Keep it and treasure it, even if they didn't want to see it. Someday you'll have a child who will cherish seeing their family BEFORE they came along.

I agree with Jenna, your consultant also mislead you into believing this expectant mother is a birth mother when she isn't. I wonder why that happens so often? I love the agency I work with, but that is something they do as well and the next go around I think I'll start gently correcting the sw and see what kind of a response I get!

[tyiakoum]

Huge hugs... and hopes that the next time (and there will be a next time) will be better.

Have you considered parentprofiles.com? Andreas and I signed up 3.5 mos ago. We've had at least 8 legitimate contacts... they have not worked out for us for various reasons, but it gives you huge visibility.

We do have one situation that might work out for us thru pprofiles. She is early in the pg. and therefore, might want to parent. We are patient (kind of, we've been waiting 1.5 years now).

And if you can weed through the scammers (there are a LOT), by checking adoptionscams on yahoogroups, you at least will feel like you are moving forward.

[2manyks]

instead of thinking of the time wasted that you spent making profiles, videos, etc. just know you are one step closer. you would have had to do all that anyway. you did all that for your baby, not that baby. there is no way to protect yourself from every situation, no matter who your adoption professional is. we have all been through dissapointment and thank goodness you found out now, before the baby was born and you were in an even bigger emotional and legal mess. consider it a blessing. grieve your loss and move on when you are ready. things will work out and you will find your baby.

[chrisandaaron]

Originally Posted by 2manyks

instead of thinking of the time wasted that you spent making profiles, videos, etc. just know you are one step closer. you would have had to do all that anyway. you did all that for your baby, not that baby. there is no way to protect yourself from every situation, no matter who your adoption professional is. we have all been through dissapointment and thank goodness you found out now, before the baby was born and you were in an even bigger emotional and legal mess. consider it a blessing. grieve your loss and move on when you are ready. things will work out and you will find your baby.

I have to agree here. Our first "match" was 4-5 months long and we became quite close with the potential bfamily. In the end we really felt like we were "played." We were hurt and scared to try again. But in the end we met some other great pbmoms (even though those situations didn't work out either). Ironically enough, we have never met our son's birthmom. After all the other ups and down we got the first call about our son on a Friday, second call to say were chosen Friday evening, and the call that TPR had been signed and we should come pick up our son on Monday All the disappointments had left me much more guarded, but at least we were prepared when things happened so quickly. I will hope that you have a similar unantisipated blessing
On another note. While I completely agree that their plans are both illegal and unethical, a part of me feels for them that they have to go to such lengths to try to protect this child from the father. And I also respect them for having the strength to continue trying to do what they think is best (albiet in the wrong way). You were right to walk away!

[Stormster]

Thanks again. I am really OK today. I have something else going on and between the two I have been crying for two days. I think I may be done ....part of what is so emotional to me is my mom isn't here, she died 3 years ago. I really could have used her support through this. Thank goodness for this forum....and it is true, it could have been MUCH worse...I know that. xo

[loveajax]

I'm sorry, Stormster. That must have been surreal. I hope that you find the right adoption situation. It is so hard to trust our guts sometimes when such emotions are involved so don't beat yourself up!! Take good care....

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

As many of you know, we went into a late pregnancy situation where we knew pretty soon that the father, who is the ex of the birth mother and is really a bad guy....(though now I know that doesn't matter at all in the eyes of the law) was against the adoption. Many of you advised me to leave it alone and move on. Well our consultant said to keep our date to visit the birth mother (Second Time) because she has seen many birth father's change their minds at the last minute.

They had asked for some video of our house, schools and family. Well in my true fashion I learned how to use our digital camcorder (not easy!) and walked around for hours atthanksgiving doing these cute interviews and hours in our neighborhood and house filming everything I would want to see. As usual, did my BEST to do the right thing and make the birthmother feel more secure (she had already chosen us) about where her child might live.

WELL, yesterday was the day. 2 hour drive each way (I know that isn't so bad but my husband has only one day off a week) and my consultant spoke to them that morning and explained to us that they think the birth father was moving in the "right" direction blah blah. I noticed something was wrong when they didn't want to see my video. Well they finally did and after much yawning and not really looking at it they finally told me this.

The birth mother spoke to him the previous night. He said no way in hell would he EVER sign ANYTHING and that she was a sc-mbag (ewww) for even considering adoption. That he would take the baby and go on welfare. She apparently said "don't you want her to have what we didn't have? She could go to college?" He said a lot of poor kids make it to college etc....

THEN she and her Aunt (who has been orchestrating the whole thing and is the one who has all these big plans to get around the birthfather said, I kid you not) We have decided to say anothe rman is the father and then that she had a stilborn!!!!! I was floored. We were sitting there, I burst into tears, grabbed my husband and we left. My last words to the birth mother was good luck.

When I cried I was crying for the whole situation. I was so depressed yesterday I couldn't bare it. I cannot imagine for the life of me doing what they suggested. It first of all is illegal, unethical and puts me and my husband at huge risk for many problems.

But most of all, I told them a month ago, I would do anything to help as long as it wasn't illegal or unethical. Can you imagine?

I don't know if I want to continue with private adoption. My consultant did not protect me enough from this situation (she's supposed to screen good from bad cases) though she does have a lot of value in other ways and we were all duped by the aunt.

Part of me wants to write off the money we've spent (about 10K) and start over with an agency where I don't get to know the birth mother at all, well not like I got entrenched here.

Part of me wants to do surrogacy which is really a fortune but at least we have some control.

Anyway, as somebody once said, I think it was Oprah: When someone tells you what they are, believe them. In this case....Someone told me a situation. Next time I will believe them and not try and move mountains. I think this post belongs on this board because it is a pre-adoption thing.

What made me cry the most is how earnest I was....staying up all night making profiles and videos and jumping through hoops. THEY DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO SEE THE VIDEO!!!! I can't explain why that hurt so much. I also brought pics of my extended family. I never had the illusion that this thing was going to work (just a slim chance we decided to try) but the Aunt and the birth mother who I thought I knew so well....they just turned out to be people willing to do really sick things and that just freaked me out.

Sorry for going on and on....Any support would be appreciated. I know all about birth father's rights (I have my PhD now believe me. What I need is just a little advice about private vs. agency or surrogate and some support because I'm just so shocked.

Thanks in advance. Love, G

So sorry you went through all of this. It sounds like you went out of your way in doing your part to be open with them. As others have said, your consultant has failed miserably in not helping you keep expectations intact. The expecting parents are the parents and no matter what we think of their choice, it is theirs to make. Until such time as they sign papers that free the child to be adopted, we as waiting families have to hold loosely to the possibility that the child may come to be ours. Considering adoption does not a birthparent make... that's how I got through our matches. Hope but hold loosely... and do all you can to prepare yourself for all the possibilities of an adoption match.

[StacieGates]

You didn't go on & on at all. What you've gone through is so difficult. I'm so sorry for you. Whatever you decide to do now, may God bless & keep you. Don't see the making of the video as a loss or a waste of time. Maybe you could re-edit it and use it for when you find the right birth mother....maybe you can edit it to show your future child.

You are absolutely right to run (don't walk) from the situation where illegalities and unethical behavior is going on. Can you imagine the bfather finding out two years later & showing up with a lawyer?? What a nightmare.

I am a firm believer that if you take the high road and do things right, you'll be blessed...not only with a positive outcome but also with a clean conscience.

Stacie