[kate298]

my daring mother and MIL both have the same question.... when dealing with the idea of adoption or possible Birthfamily they always say "what was the deal with the Parents"?? I don't want to be rude and not tell them because I have a very close relationship with both, but when we do become matched, I don't know if they really need to know? but then again I don't want to lie, and good replies?

[EmmaLeigh2882]

"The bio parents have the warmest and most loving hearts to have allowed us to have this precious gift. Nothing else about them really matters, look what a fine job they did in making our miracle!"

[JGarrick]

If someone asked me that question, I'd just say I didn't feel comfortable discussing the personal details of someone else's life with anyone else. There isn't anything rude about it really. If you placed a child for adoption, would you want the adoptive family blabbing your life story to everyone they knew?

[akcskye]

I know this is going to stir up some argument(s), and I really don't mean it to.

But, I am an adoptive parent of 2 beautiful children from the foster system, so naturally, I hear these questions all of the time.

My best answer is "unfortunately, that is something I cannot disclose with anyone, but I'm sure you can understand that", and leave it at that.

The problem I have that may start an argument is this...unless you personally KNOW adoption and adoption speak, these questions ARE going to come out.

Rather than sulk and be angry or offended by these, 90% of the time, "well intentioned" questions, perhaps pre-educate those around you about adoption.

No question is an ignorant one, ever, you know?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I personally don't mind being asked questions about our adoption, and when they do come, I answer to the best of my ability, IF it's something I can answer.

Women who become pregnant get the same "ignorant" questions about their pregnancies as we do about our adoptions...but they are PROUD to talk about it, and let rude or "ignorant things "go in one ear and out the other".

Why can't we?

[HappyTwinsMom]

I've share more intimate details about our daughters' birthmother with people I'm extremely close to, like my sisters. However, I don't discuss her personal life with friends and acquaintances. If people ask about her "situation" when she placed the girls, I simply tell them she was parenting another child and didn't feel able to care for two more children at the time.

I don't like being put in a position where I feel I have to defend anyone - and I love our girls' birthmom, so I don't want people thinking or speaking badly of her. I guess my personal feeling is that I wouldn't talk about my best friend's or sister's personal life with others, so I won't with C's.

I don't mind answering questions about our adoption or about adoption in general - if I feel the person asking is genuinely interested and not just fishing for the "dirty details." I talk very freely about the openness of our adoption - and my dad will tell you that his opinion of it has changed in the five years since the girls were born. He was very afraid of open adoption then, and is much more comfortable now. So I feel I've helped to educate him about the realities of it.

People will always have questions. Whether or not we feel willing to answer those questions in depth is up to each of us - and is probably best considered on a case-by-case basis, depending on the person asking and circumstances under which they do so.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by kate298

my daring mother and MIL both have the same question.... when dealing with the idea of adoption or possible Birthfamily they always say "what was the deal with the Parents"?? I don't want to be rude and not tell them because I have a very close relationship with both, but when we do become matched, I don't know if they really need to know? but then again I don't want to lie, and good replies?

If you aren't comfortable sharing, don't. In many ways, it is not your story to tell. In our situations, I told a couple people (my Mom and sister) about what happened because I needed the support to get through some issues relating to babes' health. That's the only reason. Since both my kids have older sibs living with birthfamilies, it does get complicated as pictures breed questions.

And I agree with another poster that really, we could live our whole life frustrated by these questions. I would hope that loved ones do show some interest in the lives of our children, and even though it may seem short-sighted or ignorant questioning to us, who have lived with the situations for awhile, for some it is their way of trying to come to understand the situation for themselves. That's how I see it anyway.

[redbonec]

I really agree with everyone who responded.

I was really caught in the middle for a while. Before the birth and for a while after, I was a little disappointed when some people DIDN'T ask about our daughter's birthmom. We love her, and I almost felt like they were leaving her out when they didn't ask or speak about her. But then, when people did ask, I realized I wasn't sure how to answer. It's definitely good to think about it now!

And my answers are sometimes different to people who ask differently. Sometimes people can ask the same question in a different way that shows if they are really interested or instead like HappyTwinsMom said "fishing for dirty details." (Not that really interested makes for giving a detailed answer, but I still appreciate the difference.) I remember a close friend asked me "So what's the mom's story?" or other people ask about her "situation." That caught me off guard and didn't sit right with me. I realized it was because our daughter's birthmother is not a "situation", like a tv script or something, or some magazine article, and her "story" is something very special.

I will always remember another friend who asked with excitement, "So, did you get to MEET her?" And she asked it with a tone and I could tell on her face she was interested in our daughter's birthmother as a person, not a "situation." That question phrased that way also left it open ended for me to answer what I felt I could. When questions are asked with interest or trying to seek understanding, I try to answer what I can, because I do love to speak of the adoption and it can be a great way to shed some light.

[redfred]

My response has always been "The details of our child's birth and history belong to him/her. We are letting him/her decide what they want to share with whom. I really appreciate you respecting his/her privacy."
This usually stops any questions.

A note about this... maintaing this policy has been one of the hardest things to do, but we are SOOOO grateful that we did. Several of our adoption situations include "delicate" information and histories. I'm eternally glad that we implimented the policy with our first because it allows me to protect my other children from nosey relatives that like to talk about all the ugly detials of other peoples' lives.