[Stormster]

Hi it's Gwenn again....so now the Aunt/PBM want to come to our house on Saturday. I am about to call the whole thing off today. In fact, she is 7.5 months pregnant and it is her second consecutive pregnancy (2 months between) which means she may go early. Even if she went full term though and I stayed in this there would simply be no time to work out all the other issues such as the father's agreement (which we don't even know if there will be)....that takes time doesnt' it? I am not taking the baby home and I will not be at the birth (which is what I wanted and why I am doing private adoption)....there is almost no way this can all happen in 6 weeks ... also I get this feeling the PBM isn't all that sure SHE wants this. The Aunt is orchestrating everything! i just need to tell my Consultant and then I'm going to wait for the RIGHT situation. I'm going with my gut. I think they'll be upset but they should have been more upfront weeks ago!

[kelceesmom]

Good luck. It is a difficult place to be in. But you have to do what is right for you also.

[StorkWatcher]

Gwenn - I am so sorry this is happening. It is SO difficult to turn down a situation, even when things seem to be pointing that way to an obvious conclusion.

When we were wavering on a possible match in which the birthfather changed his mind and decided to fight for his children after initially being ready to sign, we were so torn! But afterward, I truly felt at peace with the way things turned out, because I had absolute faith that our perfect child was out there somewhere and would be sent to us at just the right time. (And that is exactly what happened about a month later!)

I hope this happens quickly for you!

[Leigh131313]

Gwenn

I just wanted to mention...just because you are having a private adoption does not mean you will be at the birth. Most of my adoptive parent friends were not in the delivery room. That is completely up to the pbmom.

Some pbmom's feel it is too personal of a moment to have other people there. Also, some feel it places extra pressure on them to place.

Even if a pbmom says she may want you there...she may change her mind at the time.

I just hope you are prepared for that.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by gwennspeak

Hi it's Gwenn again....so now the Aunt/PBM want to come to our house on Saturday. I am about to call the whole thing off today. In fact, she is 7.5 months pregnant and it is her second consecutive pregnancy (2 months between) which means she may go early. Even if she went full term though and I stayed in this there would simply be no time to work out all the other issues such as the father's agreement (which we don't even know if there will be)....that takes time doesnt' it? I am not taking the baby home and I will not be at the birth (which is what I wanted and why I am doing private adoption)....there is almost no way this can all happen in 6 weeks ... also I get this feeling the PBM isn't all that sure SHE wants this. The Aunt is orchestrating everything! i just need to tell my Consultant and then I'm going to wait for the RIGHT situation. I'm going with my gut. I think they'll be upset but they should have been more upfront weeks ago!

So sorry this is happening to you, Gwen. What a tough decision all the way around. I think it is a good decision to let go of this situation if in fact, the expecting mom is not the one wanting it. This is NOT the aunt's decision to make. It would be regretful if the mother felt coerced by anyone to place her child, for you, for her, for the child.

As for being upfront, I think we need to remember that many potential adoption situations come from crisis, which breeds a bit (or alot) of chaos! If things were in line and everyone were working together, they may not be having to make this difficult choice. Just something that might help with future matches. THey can be messy and sometimes you have to go with alot of unknowns to see if it will work out. As this situation unfolded, it became one that you aren't willing to work with, so that is when you have the control to say this one is not for me.

And just another word... from my perspective, the last reason one should consider a private adoption is so that there is the hospital room/delivery experience. THis also is completely the expecting mother's decision how much or even in she wants someone else to be there. The time in the hospital is not about the hopeful adopting family or their needs. It is about what the woman giving birth needs... and that is time and space to be with her child, to experience HER birth the way she chooses, surrounded by people she chooses, without any pressure from anyone. Just something to think about, something I learned that helped me get through our placements.

Hoping the next one comes to you soon!

[Stormster]

It's so funny, I just thought the birthmother would want and need you there but I guess you are right....even though in this situation I was asked to be in the delivery room already!!!!!

Meanwhile the Aunt still hasn't called me back.

Thanks everyone.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by gwennspeak

It's so funny, I just thought the birthmother would want and need you there but I guess you are right....even though in this situation I was asked to be in the delivery room already!!!!!

Meanwhile the Aunt still hasn't called me back.

Thanks everyone.

well she might... We were asked in both our matches to be there. For DD, we were the only support for her the entire time. In fact, we spent much of the afternoon caring for Bug as well as Bug's two older siblings while Bug's First MOm rested. It was quite a day, to say the least. I am grateful for the experience, don't get me wrong. BUT, it may not be what the expecting mother wants. Be prepared for that. And I wouldn't ever see it as a deal breaker.

With DS, we were also invited to be at the delivery and were called when V went into labor. However, it was over six hours in a rainstorm and we didn't make it. Sad, because she really needed some support as well. Just remember that each situation is unique...

[mommy3]

Gwenn -- about being there when our children are born:
we had hoped for this, too, but hadn't yet met our son's bmom when she went into labor and since she was young she wasn't prepared to have us "see it all"; so we weren't in the room, but held him and had him with us from about 5-10 min. after birth. With our youngest, we didn't get the call from the hospital due to a miscommunication, but were able to arrive there the same day. Clearly, I am devoted to both children, as are their birthfamilies -- and being at the birth would have been great for us all (they agree) but just "wasn't to be".

Even when we planned for this both times, it just didn't get to happen -- but we still felt part of both children's lives for sure from day one.

I hope you agree to the visit on Saturday just to allow this to unfold and give it time -- but my optimism always precedes me. Best of luck! susan

[redbonec]

Gwen--I would also feel uncomfortable in this situation if the aunt seems to be pushing for everything. In the end, the young lady needs to be the one to decide.
For you wanting to be present at the birth--as many others said--you may or may not. In our case, our daughter's birthmother wanted us there, but, at her last doctor appointment her blood pressure was high and they had to do a C-Section within the hour. We live 3 hours away. Unfortunately, we could not be there. I will always have a picture in my head of what we were told about her arrival, but I was not there to witness it. So, sometimes, being at the birth is not always the case.