[CBsMommy]

I adopted the biological son of my husband when he was just 17 months old. His birth mother died shortly after he was born, so he has no memory of her and has memories of me from the very beginning. Thus far, we have raised our son as if he is biologically both of ours and all he knows is we are "mommy" and "daddy". There has not been any talk or mentioning of a birth mother, etc. However, our son does have casual contact with his birth grandfather who he simply knows as Papaw. Our son is now 3 years old and we see him becoming more inquisitive about pictures and life things in general. We feel that in the next year or so we will need to introduce the idea that he did not actually grow in mommy's tummy, etc. We feel this is getting especially close because we plan to have a biological child of our own which, of course, will beg a lot of questions for our son. All of the adoption materials I read are so different from our scenario because our son is biologically my husband's and our son does have some contact with the birth family. We just feel we have a really unique situation amd none of the advise I read seems quite right. Going forward, we of course plan to be honest with him, but we then plan to continue to raise him as ours, without building some extensive post-mortem relationship with his birth mother. We will be open and honest, but not harp on it. Has anyone gone through something similar? I feel so alone and need help about how to deal with this, what to say to our son, etc.

[Leigh131313]

I think you can start with little things..

Like, when you are expecting your next child... it's a great time to talk about adoption. Yes, mommy has a baby in her tummy...did you know that you grew in *** (insert whatever term you are using - name, title -whatever) 's tummy? She loved you very much.

Or, you can just say to him (cuz he's still little enough) I love you SO much, I'm so glad that you became my son ...

subtle things like that work really well and open the door.

You can also start to talk about ALL the different ways families are formed. Single parents....two mommies....grandparents raising kids....and then put his situation in...your birthmom went to heaven (or whatever story you chose) and when daddy and I married, we became a new family


I find its easier when you can start when they are little....that way they just absorb alot of it.

Good luck!!

[NJNative]

I always think pictures are a great way to start this discussion with young children. If you have pictures of his biological mother, then you can look at those, look at adoptive photos if you have them, etc. Kids love to look at them. And is gives you something to DO while explaining things.

Good luck!

Robin

[loveajax]

CBsMommy,

I don't have any different advice, but do agree that using pictures and starting now is a great idea. I remember a childhood friend whose mom died soon after he was born and was adopted by his father's wife. Even though his birth mom had not died in childbith, he always felt "guilty" about her death like somehow he was responsible (of course, he wasn't, but kids think strange things somtimes). I think that is another reason why it may be helpful to "introduce" his birth mom now, etc.

Good luck to you!