[XyloGal]

This is a very emotionally sensitive subject for me, but I wanted to hear if anyone else had a similar experience while considering adoption - and I hope we're not the only ones dealing with this.

My husband and I plan to start a family in about 2 years (we'll be 29-30), and I have always wanted to adopt and felt very strongly about it. For many reasons, some of which I think are very relevant and some of which I know are trivial, I do not want to give birth to any children. We've never tried to get pregnant, and have no reason to believe that we'd have any trouble, but I just don't feel that it's right for me and I have no desire to be pregnant or birth children.

My husband knows I feel strongly about adoption and is open to adopting children, however, he feels very strongly that we should (his words) "have a child of our own" as well.

I don't know if I should be bothered by the phrasing of it, because it kind of leads me to think that he might see a biological child as "our own" and an adopted child as somehow not ours, or not as much ours as a biological child. We've talked about this at great length, and I've told him my concerns about him saying that. He says of course he would not see an adopted child as any less "ours" than a biological child, but just the fact that he feels so strongly about having at least one biological child bothers me.

On the other hand, I think sometimes maybe I'm being selfish by not wanting to bring a biological child into our family if we're able, especially because adoption was not something we discussed before we were married. We knew we wanted children someday, but didn't discuss where they would come from, and his feelings about wanting a biological child are just as valid as my feelings about wanting to adopt.

Has anyone else not seen eye to eye with their spouse or partner on adoption? And what were your feelings about it?

Do you see this as a red flag that we may not be right for adopting children, or is it common for one person to not be as open to considering adoption at first?

Thank you so much!

[Fran27]

I strongly think it's something that should be 100% agreed on with both parents... and I think it's something that should have been talked about before getting married.

I don't know your reasons for not wanting biological children, but keep in mind that you are probably in a minority. Personally, I'm quite sure that the only thing that made dh change his mind about adoption was the fact that we struggled so much with infertility and it made us miserable... I still had to cycle one more time to make him at peace with his decision.

So no, I don't think it's fair to force someone to adopt if they are not 100% on board. Besides, if you search adoption more (especially the price of it), I think it's another reason not to force someone to do it...

Just IMO.

[Vogi2002]

I agree with Fran. I totally respect your "desire" to adopt, although to be totally honest don't deeply understand it (only because it is a really heart wrenching process and its hard for me to understand someone "choosing" to go through...but with ALL respect).

I WOULD NOT force dh to adopt, this needs to be his decision. My dh, to be honest, also would not have done it had it not been for our infertility (and I probably wouldn't have either...but I digress). What dh said, to me, is not a red flag, but it's more his overall tone. People say "child of my own" but mean "biological" all the time without thinking, but some people (including my dh before he was really "into" the idea of adoption) truly DO feel like they want a child FROM THEM. THAT is a red flag, basically telling you he needs more time. Not that you can't talk to him while he is thinking about it.

Talk to him and explain things to him, but give him time to make the decision. But remember, you will also though have to be open to talking to him about getting pg as this is something HE wants too. The communication should be open both ways, and one of you will have to compromise. I think you should sit down and describe how you feel. See who it means to most.
For example - If you dont' want to go through labor because of stretch marks (which I'm sure that's not your reasoning, just giving an example ) then you may have to see that reason is not really valid if the reason he wants a baby is to have a genetic tie to him.

Hope this helps, Good luck!

Natalie

[ocracoke]

I think that adoption is something that all people involved have to committed to voluntarily and completely. I have not had this experience since I am single. However, my first choice was always to adopt -- I didn't want to give birth. I was actually pressured into trying to get pregnant since it "would be easier." But it turned out that I have fertility issues so getting pregnant was not an option for me. So I was able to return to the idea of adoption. After 8 years of fertility treatment and 11 months of adoption process I finally got my daughter. To me adopting was easier then trying to give birth only because it was shorter and in the end I had a child. However, in terms of how the child will feel in the family, if a child is not wanted 100% by the parents then the child may feel this and that would not be fair to the child.

Samantha

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by XyloGal

This is a very emotionally sensitive subject for me, but I wanted to hear if anyone else had a similar experience while considering adoption - and I hope we're not the only ones dealing with this.

My husband and I plan to start a family in about 2 years (we'll be 29-30), and I have always wanted to adopt and felt very strongly about it. For many reasons, some of which I think are very relevant and some of which I know are trivial, I do not want to give birth to any children. We've never tried to get pregnant, and have no reason to believe that we'd have any trouble, but I just don't feel that it's right for me and I have no desire to be pregnant or birth children.

My husband knows I feel strongly about adoption and is open to adopting children, however, he feels very strongly that we should (his words) "have a child of our own" as well.

I don't know if I should be bothered by the phrasing of it, because it kind of leads me to think that he might see a biological child as "our own" and an adopted child as somehow not ours, or not as much ours as a biological child. We've talked about this at great length, and I've told him my concerns about him saying that. He says of course he would not see an adopted child as any less "ours" than a biological child, but just the fact that he feels so strongly about having at least one biological child bothers me.

On the other hand, I think sometimes maybe I'm being selfish by not wanting to bring a biological child into our family if we're able, especially because adoption was not something we discussed before we were married. We knew we wanted children someday, but didn't discuss where they would come from, and his feelings about wanting a biological child are just as valid as my feelings about wanting to adopt.

Has anyone else not seen eye to eye with their spouse or partner on adoption? And what were your feelings about it?

Do you see this as a red flag that we may not be right for adopting children, or is it common for one person to not be as open to considering adoption at first?

Thank you so much!

I can't say that DH and I ever really disagreed on the way we worked to build our family but I will say that it would have never happened (adoption, that is...) if we were not in complete agreement. Since we have fertility issues, we would be living without children if he would not have wanted the adoptions as well. That would have made me incredibly sad but that would have been how it would be. Adoption is too hard to begin with, even if you are in complete agreement about it, to have conflict over it in your relationship. And parenting, well, it's even harder. I've never been blessed with the experience of a long pregnancy or childbirth so I cannot comment on it.

It sounds like you need more time to agree on how you want to build your family. His comment of having "one of his own" does not raise a red flag to me, as many people would say this about bio children, esp if they haven't thought about it much. I for one, don't take offense to it.

[redbonec]

Xylogal--I myself never had a strong desire to be prgenant or give birth. I think some people do, and some don't. When not being able to conceive continued for us, moving into adoption was fairly easy for us. So do not feel bad for wanting to adopt and not wanting to give birth. Sure, when I look at my daughter now (adopted 3 months ago) sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to feel her move within me, or feel her grow, and other things. But, overall, I never felt the NEED to give birth, like a couple of my friends have stated. One knew that she would continue to pursue many infertility routes before turning to adoption. That is fine. Many people do, others don't.

A friend now is trying to convince her husband to look into a sperm donor. That way she could still carry and give birth to a child. Her husband does not produce sperm, so there is no chance they could conceive on their own. He is not interested in that, but wants to look into adoption. She is not there yet. I say this because, like your situation, there is not one who is right and one who is wrong, and they both feel what they feel. I just encouraged her to both learn more information about both.

I think sometimes that no or little information is the roadblock. Would your husband be willing to go with you to any informational meetings about adoption? At least that way he could be informed, but still disagree with adoption for now.

It is hard when spouses are not on the same page, because complete agreement is necessary whichever route you go to build your family. LIke you said, his feelings are valid to want a child biologically, and your feelings are valid for wanting to adopt. One is not better than the other, but both are wonderful ways to build a family.

[Leigh131313]

Adoption is a very difficult process. It can put a huge strain on you both financially and emotionally. I cannot say how strongly I feel that you BOTH need to feel called to adoption for it to work.

This does not mean that he won't chang his mind...but you certainly can not change it for him.

Give him information and give him time. Thats all you can do.

[OnTheJourney]

I remember playing house as a child, my childern were adopted. Not sure why but I have always known that is how my family would grow, so it has always been my first choice and I have never had a desire to get pg. Like Redbonec, we tried to conceive 'cause it seemed 'easier' and 'what you were supposed to do'. After only two years we discovered we could not conceive without intervention. This was not and option for me. My DH wanted to do everything he could to 'have his own childern' and you cannot persue adoption unless you are both 100% on board. I gave him time, encouraged him to talk about his fears and concerns, we went to an adoption seminar, and did some reading. After a few months he said let's do it. He wanted it as much as I.
Now, our DS is 2 and 1/2 months old, and DH is so in love with that little guy. He's already excited about the next one and he will tell you DS is 'his own baby'.
For us, the adoption process has strenghted our relationship. I think it is normal for one person to have a different opinion in the beginning. But you have to both be 100% committed to continue. I don't think a family is supposed to be formed any particular way. If you choose adoption, thats great. My advice is only educate and prepare yourself, it can be very difficult and painful at times. And be sure of your reasons for choosing this path. JMO

[Yash]

XyloGal,

I'm right with you. I never had any desire to give birth or be pregnant. I always knew I was going to adopt. My husband knew this info too before he married me. When we decided we were ready to have kids, I started looking for agencies and trying to decide what country we were going to adopt from.

I agree with everyone else you have to give your husband time and space.

Best of luck,

Yash

[schroem]

I am baffled as to why you never dicussed this with dh before you were married - as it sounds as if you knew you never wanted to conceive when the time came. I think if you dicussed having children prior to marriage it was perfectly logical for your dh to assume you would do it the old fashioned way (unless you COULDN'T).

I guess I can't offer any advice. I'm just confused asd to why you would blind side your hsband. (Sorry- I don't mean to sound this judgemental - I'm truly baffled).

[chemist]

One thing that other people hadn't mentioned...

The realization that we would never have a biological child was a huge blow. The loss of the genetic link was absolutely something that we had to mourn. My husband especially was also unhappy about losing the shared experience of pregnancy and childbirth. It is a tremendous loss, and I think that you should acknowledge that to your husband.

That being said, NOW we know that adoption is the right way for us to build our family.

[loveajax]

Xylogal, I applaud the fact that you are totally excited about building your family thru adoption. And while I really wanted to have a bio child with my DH, I also never really had this great yearning to be pg (I know some people do, mine was more of a "oh, i"d love to see what a kid of DH and I looked/acted like.").

That said, I think if having a bio child is important to your DH, you really should explore the reasons why with him. I think not having a bio child can be a loss, and he probably views it that way. Frankly, I would have been a little shocked if DH said he preferred to adopt instead of try to get pg....in other words, I think his reaction is totally normal.

That said, I can say that my DH (who also really wanted a bio kid and he is a v. happy adult adoptee, ironically) has fully embraced adoption and loves our DD with a passion that is unbelievable to me. Maybe if DH could talk to other adoptive dads, etc. you two may get on the same page (obviously, it is important that you be on the same page).

Good luck to you!

[XyloGal]

Thank you, all, for your comments and feedback. I feel I have some explaning to do in reference to some of the comments:

Adoption DID come up before we were married, but only in that DH knew I wanted to explore that option, and we didn't ever discuss it thoroughly. Talking about hypothetical children when you're just out of college and can't even imagine having a child at the time, is different, naive as it may be, than the real consideration of ACTUAL children that WE will be raise and have for the rest of our lives. When you're not ready to raise children yet, then just saying, "Yeah kids, sounds good to me, we'll talk about it later," is easy to do.

Also, although I have always felt that I wanted to adopt, I have NOT always felt so opposed to giving birth to a child. Only over the past few years have I really started to think seriously about having children and what, really, being pregnant and giving birth would mean for me. Genetic background does have a small part in my reasoning for not wanting to give birth (cancer, alcoholism, diabetes, and some other serious negative traits run in our families). While that may not be a very good reason in some people's view to not have children, since I ALREADY wanted to adopt, it was all the more reason for me to want to do ONLY that.

I would NEVER force my husband into adopting if he truly did not want to, and I am not 100% opposed to having biological children either. I will definitely take the advice and give us both more time to think about and discuss our feelings.

Whatever we choose, I would never want to have a child, through birth or adoption, unless my husband and I were in complete agreement going into it. This has a lot to do with why we're talking about it now, a few years before we want to start our family. If we both keep an open mind and are honest with each other, I'm sure we can come to agreement.

Thanks again!

[kelceesmom]

It is hard to be in that position when it is something you want so bad. But, you both do need to be on board 100%. Maybe for now you can do your research and discuss it with him in small amounts every few months or so. Hopefully one day he will say he is ready and you have all your research done and you can get started right away. I really didn't care if I had a baby naturally or through adoption. Now I'm glad I couldn't have a baby after seeing some coworkers go through what they are right now being pregnant. I feel lucky that I was able to adopt instead.

[PWRWAGN]

interesting thread and responses!

As for us, we had talked about adoption for over three years and never followed through with it because one of us did not feel ready. Then a little over 9 months
ago I had a strong feeling about adopting. I wrote a letter to my wife explaining how I felt and gave it to her. After reading my thoughts about it she agreed that the time was right to begin the process. Nine months to the day that I wrote that letter, our Daughter Sadie was born. So I believe that things happen for a reason and I am so thankful that we have Sadie in our lives.

Like everyone else here - I think that both spouses needs to be on board 100% and confident that adoption is what they want. In the past two weeks people have come up to us and said "Wow - what an easy way to get a baby".... Well I guess my wife does not have the physical issues that she did after giving birth but I am sure that most adoptive parents can attest that there is not a lot that is "easy" about adoption.