[girliegirlie]

It seems that he might need to have more information on the adoption process... however, some agencies require that you are not able to have children in order to sign on to their program.

Good Luck

[mom2justynsarah]

A lot of things can change in 2 years. I have both a biological and adopted child. My love for both of them is strong, unconditional and everlasting.

I wouldn't really talk about things with your hubby until you are both at the point where you want to start a family. There is no sense arguing about something that isn't about to happn any time soon.

[shellydm]

Hi-

I sent you a PM, please check you PM mailbox!

Shelly

[hanshernadez]

I'm a prospective adoptive father, and when my wife and I first talked about marriage she told me she didn't want to have biological children but wanted to adopt, I at first hesitated, as I had never thought about the possibility, and my first though was that, I don't get to pass on my genes?

After a day, I thought adopting was a wonderful idea. My reasons for being excited about it were several. 1) I have friends who had adopted siblings, and I always thought that parents loved their adopted children as much as their biological ones. 2) We didn't want to have children right away, and my wife was 33 and would have had a high-risk pregnancy. And she always wanted to adopt, always. 3) I thought that while I think I'm good-looking and intelligent, I wouldn't want to pass my depression genes, which I most likely have, on to my children. 4) I always thought there were enough people in the world, and especially children who needed families. Part of this was political, more deeply it was a moral decision about giving to the world.

When I told my friends and family I wanted to adopt, most of them thought it was great, except one friend, whose two siblings were adopted and who told me adopted children are not the same, that the bonds between a biological parent and a child are much stronger, that I'd miss out on the miracle of birth. Then when my mother, who desperately wants to be a grandma, found out, she started crying, telling me, "how can you do this to me." Her husband, my stepfather, was dying of cancer at the time. I got really angry but couldn't really express it, just tried to tell her that she wouldn't feel any different about our adopted child than a biological one. Then I began reading about adoption, and especially adopted children's experience, and realized that while they have wonderful lives, there is always a sense of loss in not knowing their biological parents. When we went to an adoption seminar, I learned that women who want to adopt but didn't try to have biological children are in the minority. Because I have depression, adoption suddenly seemed to be an enormous challenge. The home study in particular felt invasive. Imagine the hardest thing I deal with in my life - my depression, which challenges me everyday and is my most personal, private secret that no one except my family and closest friends knows (I manage it well) - imagine now that I have to reveal it to a stranger who will share it with others and, even worse, that it becomes an obstacle, obviously not insurmountable, to adoption. It seemed so much easier (for me, the guy, I realize) to have biological children.

After that, I started to feel this emptiness whenever I saw a pregnant woman or heard about a friend who was getting pregnant. The feeling surprised me. I manage my depression by making sure I see the world positively. I allow myself to feel sadness but also try to put positive thoughts in my head. This almost always works, but though I told myself all the enumerated points above for why adopting seemed wonderful, I still had this longing and feeling of loss. Part of the feeling was my empathy for the adopted child for having a loss, part of it for perhaps my own loss, that adoption is both a miracle but also a loss.

My wife and I discuss this regularly, we are quite open. At first, she was upset, she sometimes thought something is wrong with her because she doesn't want biological kids. For a period, I couldn't understand why she didn't want to have biological kids either. Then I went back to where I had earlier been: I had always assured her that there is nothing wrong with her, she just always imagined that there was a child out there who needed a family, thought this since she was a child herself. We nonetheless had difficult discussions, sometimes fights, you could say. She sometimes told me that if I didn't want to adopt that I should leave and find another partner, because she couldn't give me biological children. I told her that I loved her and wanted to adopt but still felt this loss. I also said that there are always differences between parents on how much one or the other wants children, and that things look totally different after the children are there. Lots of guys aren't that excited about kids but go along with - they, after all, have less control over the situation - and discover that they love being a father. The opposite is dreadfully worse: People want children and then discover, after the children are born, they aren't that excited about being parents. I want children and have no doubts will love my adopted child as much as if I had a biological child. I have in me much love, empathy, patience, and generosity, and I want a family and it doesn't really make a difference how one starts one.

My wife has since been much more sympathetic, recognizing that this is a loss for me. We're done counseling together, and it's been very helpful. Part of the challenge of adopting is having think about the parents we want to be before the children arrive, and that is good. I am starting to feel better about the whole process despite the challenges and obstacles.

Sometimes I feel that it's all my mother's fault, that if she were excited about it, thought it was a wonderful idea, none of my conflicted feelings would have emerged. Now over a year since her husband died, now that I feel that I just can't be supportive one way all the time, I got incredibly angry her. It felt good, I guess, though also upsetting.

I am anticipating that many responders will say adopting isn't a loss, that if I feel that way about it, I shouldn't adopt. This makes me angry: Most people are not like my wife, they try to have biological kids, some going through invasive procedures, ones that endanger health, even though there are so many kids who need homes. They want biological kids that bad. Why would they go through all that if the didn't think adopting would involve some loss?

I'm very close to wanting to go ahead with adopting, even if I feel a little sad about it. Sometimes I feel that the responders on this discussion forum are dogmatic, see it all as black and white, and I will ignore those who are. This entry is more about my own journey, and that perhaps in writing it, I've come to conclusions myself, and feel good about them. I just needed to write this and tell everyone out there.

[mommy3]

This thread reminds me yet again how the nuances of our lives and relationships truly shift the issues that on the surface seem so similar. Until we had miscarried a number of times, my dh would never have been interested in adoption. When we realized we COULD grow our family through adoption, he finall told me that he'd worried so much about our bio child (that we never carried to term) inheriting his allergies, asthma and other issues. It helped me so much to hear this from him. Our first adoption was wonderful with our ds. When our ds was about 5, I began to face that I had a true calling for another child. My dh really didn't. I'd bring it up once in a while but he'd just get really quiet. Finally, our ds began to talk about "his little sister" -- we talked to Daddy and told him we were ready for when he was ready -- and then we left him alone. About 5 mos. later he told us he was there. For us, the key was giving him time to decide, telling him how we felt and letting it be. It was really difficult for us while we waited, but it was worth it.

My point is, then, to have clear conversations and then lett your dh take the time to sort out the issues. We're a really candid family (but not very patient, ha), which helped a lot. susan

[atouchofheaven]

hanshernandez - you are not the only family out there wanting to adopt instead of being pregnant. my husband and i are also adopting through foster care although we've never even tried to get pregnant.

our reasons are many but mostly we don't feel it's right, for us, to bring more children into this world (which is already overpopulated) when there are so many out there needing loving homes and families. so we will keep adopting as long as there are children to adopt and we are physically able to parent them.

i honestly don't feel a loss at all from not having bio kids, and neither does my husband. to us, our son is our son. i can't imagine him being anyone else's child but ours, even though i know he has a birthmother and father out there somewhere. the only time it feels any different is when my friend's talk about their pregnancies, but in parenting there is so much more in common than just that so it really doesn't bother me.

it is important to have friends/family and a support network who understand about the specific issues in adopting. that has been a lifesaver for us. and it is sometimes hard to explain to people why you chose adoption in spite of being able to be pregnant. but i don't worry about what others think because it is my own heart i have to follow.

i'm sure there are many people on this forum that have experienced sadness and loss from not having bio children and i can't say what that feels like. but what i can say is that everything i hear about adopted children from their parents is nothing but positivity and love. you will be surprised when you recieve your child how normal it feels, cause you are just a dad, even to this child that doesn't look like you or have any of your DNA. but how easily you look past it and fall in love and it just doesn't matter.

by the way, if you really feel in your heart that adoption is a moral issue, how rewarding and assuring it is to go through with it. i am reassured everyday when i look at my son and know everything he has been through, and that he has found a safe loving place where he can grow into a successful person, and that we are a part of that because we listened to our inner self and valued that above genes and the "typical" way of doing things.

my husband adds, "you won't know that it's the right decision until you are holding your son or daughter." it took my husband 6 months after taking the class to be ready to actually accept a child. then another month and a half before bonding with our son and really feeling like he is his. now, i can't keep them apart, and he can't imagine not having him.

good luck to you and pm me if you have any questions.