[Inpurgatory]

Hi

I am kind of amazed to find this post as I happen to be a DH who is not yet sure about adoption. Actually let me correct, I am perfectly ok with adoption and hope to adopt at least one child, but I still want to have biological children.

My wife and I have been married for a long time i have always wanted kids more than she did (when we married i wanted 3, she wanted 2, we later agreed on 2). As time went by, she would always say ' we will have them whenever men can have babies'. We started to talk about adoption and as I liked the idea, i was keen to have one and then adopt one.

18 months ago, without much discussion she just told me she had decided she would not have our kids, she would only adopt. I tried to tell myself i was ok with that, found i wasn't and tried to talk with her about. It didn't go well, she took the fact that i still wanted our own children as a threat to our marriage. She has since told me i am being selfish. We can't talk about it as she see it is a marriage division. I have since been quietly trying to figure out why i want my own. She does not have a strong need for biological children, doesn't want to wreck her body and thinks adoption is great. I respect her decision, but i need to make mine.

Watching my sister's families, looking at my relatives, tracing my family tree, i am very proud of my lineage, where i came from and I do want a genetic link. Perhaps it is simple and primative, but that's how i feel.

I am glad to see from this article that I am not completely crazy for having these feelings, and certainly reassures me that before if we adopt, i must be completely sure that is what i want, with no regrets. I don't think i am closer to a decision, but thanks to the writers and the questions assuring me i need to make one.

[CanadianMommyToBe]

My DH and I are kind of the other way around on this. He was the one who thought stronger about adoption at first. We knew that it could be a really long and difficult process for me to get pregnant because of my PCOS and that I could be quite ill during the pregnancy (I suffer from hormone induced migraines, dermatitis, etc.) and so he was very concerned about my health and the health of our child if we pursued bio kids.

I waffled a bit, but now I think I am the one who is a bit more gung ho (he is totally excited, I just harass the workers more) and after a recent ectopic pregnancy scare, we feel even more strongly (is that proper english?!) about our decision.

Carrie

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by XyloGal

This is a very emotionally sensitive subject for me, but I wanted to hear if anyone else had a similar experience while considering adoption - and I hope we're not the only ones dealing with this.

My husband and I plan to start a family in about 2 years (we'll be 29-30), and I have always wanted to adopt and felt very strongly about it. For many reasons, some of which I think are very relevant and some of which I know are trivial, I do not want to give birth to any children. We've never tried to get pregnant, and have no reason to believe that we'd have any trouble, but I just don't feel that it's right for me and I have no desire to be pregnant or birth children.

My husband knows I feel strongly about adoption and is open to adopting children, however, he feels very strongly that we should (his words) "have a child of our own" as well.

I don't know if I should be bothered by the phrasing of it, because it kind of leads me to think that he might see a biological child as "our own" and an adopted child as somehow not ours, or not as much ours as a biological child. We've talked about this at great length, and I've told him my concerns about him saying that. He says of course he would not see an adopted child as any less "ours" than a biological child, but just the fact that he feels so strongly about having at least one biological child bothers me.

On the other hand, I think sometimes maybe I'm being selfish by not wanting to bring a biological child into our family if we're able, especially because adoption was not something we discussed before we were married. We knew we wanted children someday, but didn't discuss where they would come from, and his feelings about wanting a biological child are just as valid as my feelings about wanting to adopt.

Has anyone else not seen eye to eye with their spouse or partner on adoption? And what were your feelings about it?

Do you see this as a red flag that we may not be right for adopting children, or is it common for one person to not be as open to considering adoption at first?

Thank you so much!

Look at Tom Cruise, see how different he has acted since he had his bio child, how different he acted during the pregancy..

Though he says his adopted children are no different. He acted very different with Katie, the pregnancy and the baby, then he did with his adopted kids.

For some men, no matter what they say, bloodline is important. Some will say adoption is ok, and it will be. For some they will say, yet they will treat the bio child just enough differently that the adoptee will always know they are not the same.

If he really isn't as excited about adoption as you are, your marriage could suffer. It might get stronger, better, or even just end your relationship.

Maybe threapy might be a good idea before you go any further. You need to know how he really feels, so that a child is not affected by adverse reactions.

[BrandyHagz]

Look at Tom Cruise, see how different he has acted since he had his bio child, how different he acted during the pregancy..

While I will not (and can not) argue Scarlets statement about bloodline being important (it was important for my adoptive parents, which is why I grew up in a group home) - I do want to caution members about judging what the media portrays as the actual way things are. Remember, the media often sees adoption as second best – and when Nichole and Tom were adopting, virtually no focus was put on the family – additionally Nichole wasn’t near the star that Katie is…I think more focus is put on the pregnancy by the media because of who it involves, so we hare more about every step of they take…I think less focus was put on the adoption by the media, because adoption is often viewed as less…and also because it didn’t involve two very high profile stars.

I would really hate to see any judgment made about Tom and his devoted relationship to his adopted children…simply because every step he takes with them doesn’t make the cover of Vanity Fair.

I will try to find the link to the story recently where a newscaster brought up an interesting point regarding TomKatSuri and the CruiseKidnam Kids…the fact that most every Paparazzi picture taken of them when they are out and about with Suri, often also contains the adopted children – but those pictures are often photoshoped or cropped…

Tom’s kids were also at the wedding – but I don’t recall reading anything about them in any of the media reports…only about Tom, Kate, and Suri and their Armani outfits…

Just a few things to ponder before we send Tom up the river…and for the record, I despise him as an actor and a person – so this isn’t a defense of an actor. Again, this is NOT an argument of the bloodline thing…as I have experienced this first hand…

[Scarlet Moon 13]

[quote=BrandyHagz]While I will not (and can not) argue Scarlets statement about bloodline being important (it was important for my adoptive parents, which is why I grew up in a group home) - I do want to caution members about judging what the media portrays as the actual way things are. Remember, the media often sees adoption as second best – and when Nichole and Tom were adopting, virtually no focus was put on the family – additionally Nichole wasn’t near the star that Katie is…I think more focus is put on the pregnancy by the media because of who it involves, so we hare more about every step of they take…I think less focus was put on the adoption by the media, because adoption is often viewed as less…and also because it didn’t involve two very high profile stars.


"Nichole wasn’t near the star that Katie is…"

actually Nichole is a bigger star then Katie is at present.. I couldn't name one show that katie has ever been in, but she is younger and her career is still in its early stages.

I agree media is why off at times..

[Leigh131313]

I think it just has to do with crazy tom since he's been with Katie...the media has been FASCINATED with them since day one when Tom was jumping on Oprah's couch.

I have LOVED his attitude about his children...the only thing I care for regarding him..LOL.

[angelaWI]

I too have never felt that I need to give birth. I have always felt this way and before I got married my husband and I discussed it. He assured me that he desperately wanted children and adoption would be fine. We have been married now for two years and he has finally admitted that he wants me to get pregnant and "could never love someone else’s child as much as his own".
To say I am completely devastated is an understatement. What now? I am 33 and he is 41 I don't have time to wait it out and try to educate him.

[ocracoke]

It really sounds like you are in a tough spot. You can not go into adoption with one person not wanting to do it. It is not fair to the parent or the child. How would this child feel if your husband never loved him or her? So do you choose to give birth as your husband wants? Or do you opt to be childless? And if either of those things, how does this affect your relationship with each other. I know when my dad and step mom got married my dad told her he was done having children but a few years later my step mom let him know she wanted kids. This is a major change but they worked it out. I also have a friend who ended up divorcing because her husband decided he didn't want kids and she did. Best of luck with your journey.
Samantha

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by angelaWI

I too have never felt that I need to give birth. I have always felt this way and before I got married my husband and I discussed it. He assured me that he desperately wanted children and adoption would be fine. We have been married now for two years and he has finally admitted that he wants me to get pregnant and "could never love someone else’s child as much as his own".
To say I am completely devastated is an understatement. What now? I am 33 and he is 41 I don't have time to wait it out and try to educate him.

At 41 I doubt you could change his mind.

If you convinced him to adopt, and he couldn't "love", this child the way the child needs to be loved, the child would know it.

Give it a year, go to adoption classes, try. You are ready to love a child from adoption, he isn't. The baby/child shouldn't be an experiment for him.

Maybe threapy?

Does he have any other children? If no, then maybe he really doesn't want kids at all at his age.

You know, I know, that 41 isn't too old. But maybe he does.

[Oliver1]

Even after researching, talking to other adoptive parents, visiting informational meetings, AND being an adoptee myself, both my husband and I had feelings of fear and uncertainty about what it would truly be like adopting a child as opposed to biologically producing a child.

While I 100% agree that education and research is vitally important before jumping into the adoption process, I also feel that it is a leap of faith. You may never feel 100% like your husband and your husband may never feel 100% like you do about adoption while you're going through the process. It's a little unfair to assume that both of you will have the same exact feelings and thoughts regarding the process of adoption. While a couple, you are also still individuals with individual emotions and reactions.

For my husband (and to a degree, myself) only once our baby was in our arms, and we could see, feel, and touch the reality of adoption and realize its profound impact and emotion, did our fears and uncertainty melt away.

I think that you should keep talking and discussing the issues honestly with each other until you are at a comfortable point to go one way or another. Don't worry about seeming selfish or unfair or worry that you don't seem to be exactly on the same page or that you don't seem to be 100% positive about anything at any given moment. Many times during our adoptions, we felt scared and ready to backtrack. Everyone has different reactions and feelings and experiences with adoption, just like in pregnancies.

Good luck and blessings!!!

[loveajax]

Inpurgatory, your feelings are completely normal. My DH, who is an adult adoptee and thinks his adoptive family is the best thing since sliced bread, really was reticent to adopt. He said that since he had no real bio "link" in the world (he has not located his birth family), he was hoping to have a bio child. Completely understandable. Primal, instinctive even (for everybody).

Ironically, before I discovered that we had infertility problems, I blithely said I would have one bio child and adopt a child, b/c I truly do think adoption is a beautiful way to grow a family.

I can only tell you this -- DH now always says that he is so GRATEFUL that we suffered from IF because otherwise we wouldn't have DD (ummm...I don't think I would use the word "grateful" but I know what he means). He is literally gaga over our DD and always says, "THIS is so much better than I ever imagined!" I am not saying that YOU will feel that way, but leave your heart open to it and keep reading/researching.

Btw, without prying, why does your wife NOT want to have a bio child?

[NJNative]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

Look at Tom Cruise, see how different he has acted since he had his bio child, how different he acted during the pregancy..

Though he says his adopted children are no different. He acted very different with Katie, the pregnancy and the baby, then he did with his adopted kids.

For some men, no matter what they say, bloodline is important. Some will say adoption is ok, and it will be. For some they will say, yet they will treat the bio child just enough differently that the adoptee will always know they are not the same.

If he really isn't as excited about adoption as you are, your marriage could suffer. It might get stronger, better, or even just end your relationship.

Maybe threapy might be a good idea before you go any further. You need to know how he really feels, so that a child is not affected by adverse reactions.

I agree that if either partner doesn't want to adopt, then no adoption should happen. However, I was also glad to see you said "some" men might treat their adopted child differently. Because it's certainly not ALL men.

I have four adopted cousins...two in two different families. Both my aunt and my uncle have three bio and two adopted kids. In my uncle's case, when he died in 2001 at 59, holding one hand was his bio daughter, holding the other was his adopted son. (He adopted his second wife's kids.) Guess who took over the business? His adopted son -- not his biological son.

I also have a husband who has two bio children from his first marriage and one adopted son with me. If anything, I think he's a better father this time around, since he was young with the first two and middle aged with the third.

As for my 77 yo dad -- well, he considers my son his grandson (his only grandson) and part of our family line. But then, my dad is the son of an adoptee.

We just don't differentiate between bio and adopted in our family. But then maybe have two adopted grandparents, four adopted cousins and one adopted son have made it so common in our family as to hardly be worth a mention.

Robin

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by NJNative

I agree that if either partner doesn't want to adopt, then no adoption should happen. However, I was also glad to see you said "some" men might treat their adopted child differently. Because it's certainly not ALL men.

I have four adopted cousins...two in two different families. Both my aunt and my uncle have three bio and two adopted kids. In my uncle's case, when he died in 2001 at 59, holding one hand was his bio daughter, holding the other was his adopted son. (He adopted his second wife's kids.) Guess who took over the business? His adopted son -- not his biological son.

I also have a husband who has two bio children from his first marriage and one adopted son with me. If anything, I think he's a better father this time around, since he was young with the first two and middle aged with the third.

As for my 77 yo dad -- well, he considers my son his grandson (his only grandson) and part of our family line. But then, my dad is the son of an adoptee.

We just don't differentiate between bio and adopted in our family. But then maybe have two adopted grandparents, four adopted cousins and one adopted son have made it so common in our family as to hardly be worth a mention.

Robin

Oh some is the word, it is never all, never all men, never all adoptees, never all aparents.. sometimes it is a few, sometimes more one way or the other.

I have 6 grandchildren, 3 bio, 2 are my bson's boys, 3 step..

3 boys, 3 girls, I was birth coach for for both my daughter and step dau. So I was there for the birth of my bio granddau and 2 step granddau's..

They are just my grandkids.

For the step grand dau's, I am the only grandmother on their mom's side of the family.

My step dau's mother, has never seen the youngest granddau, and saw the oldest, now 14, once, at about 6 months. She lives an hour away.

I am the grandmother, I helped delivier them, they have lived with me, we even had custody of the youngest now age 8, for 4 years (3 to 7).

It is never all of anyone or anything..

[lela]

My husband and I have 5 bio kids and 2 adopted kids. I wanted to start adopting after baby #3, but my husband said "Why would you want to go through all that, when we can have kids of our own?" I felt called..compelled..so I kept hounding him until he finally said "NO!" I was heart broken, but I realized that if my husband didn't want to adopt, then it obviously wasn't God's plan for our family. I let it go..completely...did not bring it up at all.
Over a year later, I'm brushing my teeth one morning and my husband says "I guess its time to start looking into adoption." Whaa? I nearly choked on my Minty Fresh Crest.
Now we are foster parents. We have adopted one of our babies, and are working on adopting the second. Both are special needs kids. The way my husband talks about our experience, you'd think that he invented the concept of adoption...he's such an advocate.
The people who have posted that you both need to be on the same page are very wise. This is a very difficult and frustrating journey. But I know lots of families who can and do have bio kids, and also choose to adopt. I think its quite normal to want to produce a biological child, so don't be too hard on your hubby. Its also quite a blessing to be able to parent children who you did not give birth to. And trust me, at the end of the day you can barely remember which ones you gave birth to and which ones you didn't.
By the way...I wouldn't let your genetic concerns stop you from having bio kids. Chances are, your adopted children will also have genetic issues in their birth families. If all my adopted daughters had in their bio familiy backgrounds were diabetes and cancer...we'd be doing the happy dance.
lela

[Gs_Mom]

Hi there,

Although you are not struggling with infertility it may help to think about why he would like to have a bio child.

Your post made me think about the book we read before we adopted titled Adopting After Infertility.

We struggled with infertility for a couple of years and I "moved on" much sooner than my husband. (Even growing up, I had always thought adoption was an option.)

The book helped us immensely. It pointed out that there are several losses a person/couple experience in dealing with infertilty. I have since given the book away, but from what I recall they include

-- Genetic continuity
-- The pregnancy and birth experience
-- The opportunity to parent

and 6 or 7 more.

The book encouraged the reader to rank the losses as a way to work through each of the loses.

So, I'm wondering if you would rank the opportunity to parent over genetic continuity and your husband would do vise-versa. That was the way it turned out to be for us. (Obviosuly, we worked through them and are both madly in love with our DS.)

Perhaps you would help for you both to pick up the book or get the list from someplace and talk about the different issues that arise.

My two cents .... hope it helps.

Sandee