[Emster]

There are many of us at work who became first time parents at the same time, both by adoption and by good ol' fashioned childbirth. As we compare notes, it seems that none of us are immune to changes in our marital relationships (not always for the better) since our precious bundles arrived.

Personally, me and DH spend more actual time together than ever before, we have improved our teamwork like you wouldn't believe, and our house is cleaner (DH does more than he used to). Those things are all lovely.

However...out of nowhere there has been more snipping and misunderstanding (miscommunication??). Seems like on issues other than the baby we are often not on the same page. Could also have something to do with less time and energy for "you know what".

So, I know on a thread quite a while back I ws not as concerned about getting a sitter and making time for "date nights", seems like its important to DH and that I need to be more proactive on this (or perhaps HE does...). Anyway...

is this the experience any of you first time parents have had? Or am I just the exception to the rule?

[mommamarci]

We are spending less time together, but not neccesarily due to baby. We are trying to limit his daycare to 3 days a week, so dh usually works a night or two and then all weekend (which is very similar to pre baby schedule). However, dh has been short staffed since Cameron was born and is now in his busy time of the year, which means a lot more hours.

Overall, I don't think it has changed our marriage much. We have lost the stress, and everything that came with it, of wondering if we were going to be parents. That has, of course, been replaced by parenthood and money stress! However, one look at our babe and I tend to forget I am stressed. We are also struggling with the "you know what!"

Lately things have improved. Dh has started doing more at home when he is home all day. (At first it was a struggle for him to survive all day alone with Cameron, now he has mastered that and is slowly adding chores into the mix!!) Last night I came home to a completely clean house, no dishes in the sink and a yummy dinner on the table! That is my husband I used to have, pre-baby!

I do not think you are the exception. That is why it is so important to make alone time a priority. Dh and I are having our first date day next week. I am off all week. We are taking Cameron to daycare on my birthday and going to lunch and a movie / shopping / something! Yay! We are going to try and do this at least once a month. Usually it will be a date night. However, we have to pay for daycare anyway, so might as well do a date day next week!

Okay, this is turning into a novel now. Can't wait to hear other's reponses.

[Lovebug]

Nope certainly not an exception....especially in the "you know what" department. We are just too tired and our babe will be 3 in January! Lol.

We have different stresses now..mostly money, because I am a SAHM. But if I got a full time job again, the daycare here is outrageous and almost counterproductive to me working.

Right now, we are waiting for number 2, so we have all that stress surrounding our relationship. Overall, we have a great marriage. He is my best friend. We communicate, he helps around the house...I couldn't ask for more really.

BUT...we are in a funk. Seems like the same thing one day into the next. We've done "date" nights, but money is tight so that is hard. I can't put my finger on it. We've basically settled into a very comfortable time and we both need to rev things up, kwim?

--Renee

[HBV]

My dh might have a different opinion (and he reads this board, so I guess we'll find out!) but I think our marriage has been strengthened. On a deep level, we had to rely on each other to keep our composure during the scary time last fall when we thought the adoption could be disrupted. I am always so thankful for him during times of stress. On the surface, he's gotten much better about the day to day efforts he makes, and I think (again, he might say differently) that's decreased my tendency to nag.

DH has always been incredibly funny, but interacting with the baby has given him a whole other dimension. Bottom line, being a dad has just highlighted all of the things that I loved about him anyway.

I am a big advocate for dates---both dh & I come from parents w/ long marriages (45 years, 43 years) and I think that's made us appreciate the security of being a child in a home where the parents truly enjoy each other. We usually go out alone together once a week.

[HappyTwinsMom]

You are definitely not alone. Our girls are 5 1/2 years old and we're STILL trying to find the time and energy for more "you know what." Overall, we have a strong, committed, happy marriage - and when the girls were babies it didn't seem so tough to arrange time for just the two of us. It seems to be getting harder as they get older. Kinda weird, I think.

[dragonfly1234]

We found that date night was very important for us. With a 6 and 2 year old it makes it tough. I am a SAHM so we don't have a lot of money to go to dinner and theater like we did pre-children. We save up and go out about every 3 months. However, we just started our Friday night watch a dvd and cuddle on the sofa. We make sure the kids go to bed early and we have our time. But many times one or both of us fall asleep because we are tired...lol

You will find a balance emster...its taken us 6 years to get things going without the getting mad at eachother and the miss communication or lack of communication. I learned that I had to work harder at it since he works all day and I stay home. Everyone is different on how to deal with day to day stress.

Michelle

[shy_bear]

We have been parents for 8 yrs. now. With each age your child meets new milestones and as parents you have to adjust and that can effect any marriage. I also am a SAHM so money is tight esp. with ortodontic bills coming up in 2007!! I have always been very worried about leaving the girls; we don't live by family, so really in just the last year we have begun to venture out more on our own as a couple. As far as the you know what department for us it is there, but not nearly like it was before kids. We are just too tired. On the plus side we had our kids young so they will be out, hopefully, on their own when we are in our early 40's and I for one plan on making up for lost time!!!

[redbonec]

Yes, I was just discussing this with my friend the other day!
My husband is a teacher and a coach, so during his basketball season now, he gets home around 6 p.m. after practices, and on game nights, like tonight, after I've gone to bed. But, on regular nights when he comes home around 6, he spends time with our daughter, and, even though she goes to bed around 7:30, we eat together but still don't do much after that. Sadly, I've noticed that one of us gets on the computer, and the other gravitates to the tv. I think it is just us winding down after the day, but we are still not together.
Last Friday, we actually watched a movie we had purchased two months ago!
The best time we find to talk is if we are riding in the car together.
My husband probably thought adoptive parents didn't have to wait several weeks after the birth for renewed "you know what." But, sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation no matter what.
I will say though, that my husband does great things when he is not here to keep my spirits up, and just stay connected. He calls each day, occasionally sends me an email complimenting me, and always kisses me first thing when he gets home. He has not complained about anything, has done quite a bit of housework, has not complained when I mess it back up, and has taken the brunt of my frustration on some days.
I would really like to do a date night. We need something where it is just us with no other distractions, and I don't mean our daughter is the distraction. I mean that when we are home, there is always something to do other than just sit and be together--laundry, yardwork, tv, computer, dishes, etc.
As I read other responses, I see that dates don't have to be often, once a month is good.
Well, back to your original post, parenting definitly has put a new dimension in our relationship, I'm just not exactly sure what it is!

[rjsmom]

Definitely not alone. With DS it was a huge adjustment for DH - we had been together 12 years and he was used to having all of my time. Now here is this little baby that melts your heart and you have waited so long to be a mom that it is easy to lose focus on those around you. It took a little bit but we got rebalanced and then poof enters #2. We are still finding that balance - with 2 under 2 - I am way too tired for you know what.

[yusen]

I am also in the ""You know what Department "" << Lack of.

Since I am a stay at Home Mom, Life has changed a great deal. My Husband and I see each other less, ( we used to car-pool to work ),, When he comes Home after work,, it's Dinner, Home-work,play time,,etc,, Bed. We are both too exhausted by the end of our days,, we dont even Kiss Goodnite anymore.. We are ready to ask family members if they wouldnt mind having the children over-night, so as we can Go to Dinner, and a Movie or Just hang out with Friends.. It has always been the 2 of us and our Little Dog,, I am glad my House is no longer Quiet,, But I miss tht, and miss My husband and I cuddling alone on the couch..
This sounds like a Topic for DR. Phil...
So you all are not Alone.

[kelceesmom]

I think the lacking in the "you know what department" is the norm after bringing home our babies. Why is becomes that low on the totum pole I don't know. Maybe our priorities change to much. All we have on the brain is our precious bundles of joy?! We spend about the same amount of time together as before. My husband will keep Kelcee for several hours at a time now since she is older. In the beginning he wouldn't do it. He changes diapers and will feed her if I leave the menu out. We laugh more now that she is in her walking and playing stages.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Emster

is this the experience any of you first time parents have had? Or am I just the exception to the rule?

If you are the exception, so are we. I know DH and I have a strong connection, and a lasting marriage. But as you said, there are struggles now, as we have so little time by ourselves, without kiddos, to communicate fully and it feels constantly like we're struggling through misunderstandings. I know it's more than our precious babes as we have gone through some pretty difficult life changes during this time of starting our family, including have to leave jobs that we loved and moving from a place we loved to a big city, just to mention a few.

ANd it amazes me how our little flaws become magnified with sleep deprivation. Yikes!!! Poor guy... it's a wonder he is surviving... sigh... I have to work doubly hard to make sure we communicate as he's never been a talker to begin with. It is exhausting at times.

But the good... well, there are so many good things about finally being parents. We talk often about how much our kids bring happy sounds to our home where there used to be silence. And how content we are, even as we struggle to adjust to each new curve life throws at us. And I have no doubt that even through the struggles we will be stronger because we have yet another experience ~ good or bad ~ that we experienced together.

Everything has changed in our marriage since our kiddos arrived... or almost everything... our commitment is still the same.

ETA: I should say this too... there are many things I have discovered about my DH since becoming parents that has made me love him even more. We married late in life after having successful careers as single people. We met in a grad school program and started new careers together. We were focused on work and now, it is amazing to see how his emotions are heightened, for me and for the kids, since they came into our lives. This is a good thing... and he is so much more willing to put aside "work" (although right now we are in transition so even work isn't the same) to read a book or help put babies to sleep. Parenting, by his own admission, has made him a better man. I believe that too... I just hope that even in my often insecure self as a wife and mother, I can say that someday as well. I think we're getting there...