[akcskye]

To get you "up to speed" on my story, I'll TRY to make a VERY long story short.

My kids, K&K, were in a religious based group home when we were matched with them.

Said group home broke rules before and after the adoptive placement.

Even though TPR had occurred in 2005, they were allowed to see other Bfam members until May of 2006.

It was deemed too counterproductive for the children to continue visits (regressive behaviors, etc).

Okay...when this happened, the kids were assigned 2 "visiting families", aka: acting families, to take them to dinner or to their house for the evening, when the other children (who were mostly there for disciplinary issues but HAD homes) were allowed family passes for the night/weekends.

In other words...the house mother wanted the night off, totally.

Well, even though DHS (our state dept) has contacted the group home AND the visiting families regarding the inappropriateness of continued contact after the adoptive placement, today, I get a call from one.

Before I realized to look at the phone number, it was her.

She was all "hearts and flowers" trying to butter me up "wondering how K&K were doing".

As NICELY as I could, I said I was surprised she called, as I was advised that NO contact with them or any bfamily (which has NOT happened, it's a closed adoption) was allowed.

She gets ANGRY/MEAN with me, stating that "they loved those kids and want what's best for them" (keep in mind, they took them out to dinner like 8 times over 2 months giving the house family a night off) and that they have a RIGHT to know how they're doing.

So, that hacked me off. I said, "I AM they're mom, and you even knowing they're doing fine was more information than you are privledged to, and continued contact will be considered harrassment, as I have personally been told that the group home and you HAVE been advised to refrain from contacting us, that the adoption is closed...do not think about it and call me back later, goodbye MEANT goodbye!"

She wanted to know what school they were in, what activities they were in, a reminder of when their birthdays were...all sorts of personally identifying information and SHE nor the other visiting family even had background checks done to be able to take MY kids (and the group home still let them take them out to dinner after the move in date at our home was set)!!!

My own MOTHER had to have a background check done if she was even going to get to have them for 1 hour, you know?

So...I guess the whole point of this post is...I still feel bad...I know they "loved" them...my kids are easy to love.

Some of my friends have said "why don't you be receptive to contact"?

My answer is that I don't want strangers who have never even had background checks to try to have a significant role that was NEVER there in my children's lives. Plus, the state says it IS none of their business now, and that they're not even bfamily so that gives them even LESS business in our lives.

And now, with the defiance of the orders of DHS, it further shows me I do not want these people around my children (they haven't even mentioned them in a month).

To me, it feels like what is best for my children (I'm not in the equation here, naturally)...I guess I just need to hear your thoughts and see if I'm the only one who feels this way...as I'm sometimes led to believe. haha

***EDITED...ONE MORE THING TO ADD***

Broken rules by the home consisted of sharing our home address with the visiting families (I intercepted a card from the other birth family, sent in anonymity by only using their first names, requesting photos and letters), providing contact information, passing judgement on us (like saying I STUNK when my daughter had surgery and TELLING my daughter that...who wouldn't after traveling 120 miles on a 100º day in a car with no air conditioner), and then calling us after bed time "just to check on them" about a week after move in. I just felt I needed to share this in case you all felt I was just not wanting them in our lives and making up lame excuses...I'm all for prior foster/birth family involvement if it's positive...this just, isn't.

[Leigh131313]

What a crappy-crappers day.

I think you are the only person who knows what is right for your family. Trust your guts, they are usually spot-on.


hope tomorrow is better

[Linny]

You know...it doesn't matter WHY you don't want these people involved with YOUR children! The point is, they are YOUR children....the children YOUR family decided to adopt...the children YOUR family is now responsible for---and that's the end of the story!!!!

We were foster parents to two wonderful children.....ages 18months and 3yrs when they left. We'd had them for--just about one year. They were supposed to be an adoptive placement...but in the end, they weren't. In the end, the children left---and were adopted years later by other families. They were our babies for that year. We felt as much as their parents, as anyone else would....but, in the end--years later...when we were contacted for more photos through an agency that handled their adoptions......we NEVER felt we had ANY rights to know how they were, where they lived, what they were doing in school, etc.

These people had/have no rights to your children. They should have known their acting role regarding your children for the time while in the group home, and that role was NOT to permanently be the parents. True, background checks should have been done, as other protocol should have been followed; but the bottom line is that YOU have adopted them. You know what is best, and it's your job to determine that for them.
You are the momma-- and you proved it today by standing your ground for your children!

Sincerely,

Linny

[tyiakoum]

Kristi, can you change your phone number?

I really feel for you in this situation and you are totally correct in how you are reacting. They have no rights to your children. And unless your kids, when they are older and more mature and able to express their true desire to connect w/these people, want to know what is happening w/these people, you should not respond to them.

My neice and nephew were adopted out of an orphanage... they live in the same village as the orphanage. I remember last year when we visited my aunt, we asked something about their friends from the Orph... and my nephew said, I don't ever want to think about or remember anything that goes on or went on there. Ever.

I would have to say, your kids probably have a few decent memories but you are making the best life for them and the best memories for them ever.

[joskids]

I've seen with my own eyes how vindictive birth family members can haunt what you are trying to do as the childrens' parents and keep them from bonding to you and causing major damage to your family. I understand that the birth family probably cares for them and what happens to them. But it is a CONTROL ISSUE just as it is when a birth parent tells a foster parent the child's hair isn't fixed appropriately, yada, yada, yada. Those children are YOUR children, are in YOUR HOME, YOU MAKE THE RULES. Feel no doubt. It is quite possible that what you are doing (staying your ground) will facillitate a much more effective bond of the children to your family. There are post adoption resource groups out there that can confirm this for you. You have every right to feel anger in this situation.

Josie

[dadfor2]

no contact means no contact. I would change your phone number.

if it continues, i would get a restraining order. Your children should not know any of what is going on with this, they need to just feel safe with their family at the moment.

IMO

[2manyks]

we've had a similar situation w/ our akids biograndmother. yes i feel bad that she doesnt have contact w/ them. but not bad enough. she did her deed and now has to live w/ the consequences. she said she couldnt take care of them after their mothers death and so they landed in foster care. she wants us to take care of them and she will party w/ them when its convient for her. now they are adopted by me i have decided no contact is better for them. they NEVER ask to talk to her or see her, unless they want something of theirs from her. long story short, she didnt let them take anything w/ them when they were moved into care. she has all their stuff, clothes, toys, memories, pictures and holds them ransom. she says, "if you let me see them i will bring their _____". whatever. it has been 2 years and yes, as their mother i would like their baby pictures, but it is not worth the stress of seeing her. besides, she never follows through and brings the whatever she promised. my therapist says people like that want to get you angry. they like conflict and so if they can get some conflict from you they are happy and will come back to you for more. so i quit getting upset, at least in front of her. i kept phone conversations short and then, thank goodness for caller ID, i quit answering the phone when it was her. she hasnt called for 4 months. she sends cards that in my opinion are not appropriate so i throw them away. she sends gifts in the mail and i open them and put the clothes in the kids closet and they thank ME for the new clothes. i dont know if they will resent me when they are teenagers. so be it. they can have a relationship when they are older and stronger.

by the way, for those of you who think i am hard hearted about not letting a grandmother see her grandkids and visa versa, her son molested at least one of the kids. she knew it was happening and did nothing. in fact her name isnt exactly cleared in the matter either. so i am not hard hearted, i am just protecting MY kids.

good luck and stick with what you know is right. they are your kids and its up to you to protect them. you go girl!!!!!

[CAToso]

Regarding changing your phone number, the phone company should do a temporary change for you for no charge (and then your number will revert to the old one in 30-90 days), so hopefully just long enough to deter these people without you having to go through the inconvenience of a total phone number change. Just tell them you're getting harassing phone calls. (I had this done when an ex was harassing me.)

Good luck with your situation.

~Courtney

[karaleah]

What stands out to me in your post is how over the top your reaction to these "surrogate" family members are. (and just to clarify, the "visiting family" weren't birthfamily, correct, but more like a "Big Brother/Big Sister" kind of thing?)

After 2 months and 8 visits it's easy to care about a kid and want to know how they're doing. Can you blame them?? You've got great kids, right? Of course they want to know that the kids are adjusting well and happy.

Your response to them just seems kind of mean. Like what they did (taking your kids out for fun times) was of no consequence whatsoever. ouch.

How about this for a response to the person that called, "The kids are doing great. They're making lots of new friends and seem really happy. We *so* appreciate that you took the time to spend time with them. They had a lot of fun with you. Right now, we're trying to create our own family and we've decided that for the time being we want to limit contact with non-family members. It's nothing personal, but, I really feel like this is best for our family."

I'm just a little freaked at how cold and callous you're coming across. I understand wanting to set boundaries, but it's possible to that in a way that isn't so freakin' HARSH.

[BethAF]

I think changing your number is a great idea.

Please tell me the group home they were in is under investigation! I've worked for Mass. DSS and in a couple of group homes. What they did is a total violation of confidentiality and possibly the law. It's absolutely disgusting that they didn't do background checks on people before they allowed the kids to go with them. On top of it they gave out your personal info to people. NO WAY!

Also, don't feel guilty about telling those people to take a hike. They knew they weren't supposed to call you and they did, then the woman gets angry with you for not wanting to give out personal info about the kids. Another NO WAY! You did the right thing.

Good luck!
Beth

[akcskye]

Okay. I am totally re-editing my post to you.

Quite frankly, upon first look, you totally p***ed me off.

But then I paused and realized, there are MANY justifiable things that these "visiting families" (they were not even big brother/sister) did in attempt to make the children say "no" to us that I have deliberately left off of the boards.

So, you really don't have the whole picture that would give you just reason to see why I am being so harsh.

It's bad enough they tried to tell K that I stunk. They also tried to tell her that my hubby working 2 jobs meant that we were not stable in our finances (which we were) and we wouldn't be able to provide for her. They said because I didn't loudly say Amen praying with them at the hospital, I wasn't a good enough Christian, and would lead them to the devil. I was raised to "not go out to the street corner to profess your faith" and to practice in private. And who says I agreed with their prayer? The prayer was "please let K make it through her surgery alright, and bless whatever family she is chosen to go to"...HELLO...I was RIGHT THERE...her chosen family!! Of ALL the nerve!!!

There is PLENTY more that I will NOT get into here...but I would like to think you could see, just by this much, plus my original post, I have REASONS for being "harsh", and yes, these people are full of hate, and being paid to take the kids out to dinner to give the house family a night off certainly discounts their intentions with me.

And please remember, the STATE themselves has told them PERSONALLY...NO contact...they are now defying the orders of the state in this *CLOSED* adoption.

KWIM?

Originally Posted by karaleah

What stands out to me in your post is how over the top your reaction to these "surrogate" family members are. (and just to clarify, the "visiting family" weren't birthfamily, correct, but more like a "Big Brother/Big Sister" kind of thing?)

After 2 months and 8 visits it's easy to care about a kid and want to know how they're doing. Can you blame them?? You've got great kids, right? Of course they want to know that the kids are adjusting well and happy.

Your response to them just seems kind of mean. Like what they did (taking your kids out for fun times) was of no consequence whatsoever. ouch.

How about this for a response to the person that called, "The kids are doing great. They're making lots of new friends and seem really happy. We *so* appreciate that you took the time to spend time with them. They had a lot of fun with you. Right now, we're trying to create our own family and we've decided that for the time being we want to limit contact with non-family members. It's nothing personal, but, I really feel like this is best for our family."

I'm just a little freaked at how cold and callous you're coming across. I understand wanting to set boundaries, but it's possible to that in a way that isn't so freakin' HARSH.

[Leigh131313]

you don't have to apologize to anyone.


hugs to you




and a dancing banana since we have one!!

[2manyks]

those of us who have been in similar situations know where your anger is coming from. you could not possibly put every bit of info out for us to know how you got where you are. i am sure you have tried the nice thing and it didnt work. youve tried the mean thing and thats not working either. dont worry. most of us understand. just keep doing your best. thats all anyone can ask of us!