[maviskat]

Hi everyone,
Our birthmom is expected to deliver some time this week....we think. She has not had any prenatal care except for a clinic visit back at 29 weeks. Our agency and SW have tried to get her to go, I have tried....offered to take her, make the appt for her, etc.. She says she is afraid of doctors. (Does she realize what is going to happen???) I am concerned that we don't have an official due date...what if she goes over her due date? Anyway, to avoid upsetting her, our SW and I finally decided to drop the subject last week.
I am sure she is afraid or maybe it is a way to avoid what is happening. She is only 21 and has no, absolutely zero, family support. She does have the birthfather (20),though, who does seem to care for her.
Our SW has gone over the things that will happen at the hospital with her but I am concerned for her mental/emotional state when things start to happen. I realize no one is prepared for childbirth, but I really worry how she will react. Her mother has passed away and there is no other family for her and I wonder if the birthfather at only 20 will be the support she needs???
I certainly would love to be there to hold her hand though. We only live 15 minutes away from them and were told they want us at the birth. Any thoughts on how I can help? I guess I am just freaking out now that things are getting so close.
Any thoughts or words of advice from anyone on how to help our birthmom?? or how to handle the hospital??? or on how to not be a nervous wreck for the next few days!!!!!

Kathy

[Leigh131313]

I think the big thing is, no matter how much you want to help and support her...you have to take a step back.


You can offer your support and help (both physically and emotionally) but you cannot make her accept it..no matter how much you think she may desperately need it.


This is definitely going to be very hard on her....but I feel I need to prepare you for what this is going to be like for you.

The hopital experience is very emotional as a paparent. Things are so up in the air....we don't really know what is expected of us...and we really don't know how things will work out in the end.

It is really important that you keep in mind that you are a guest at the hospital. This is her time, her delivery, her recovery and her baby...I know that can be SO hard, but really you must keep it in mind..

I think the smartest thing you can do, is to discuss this with the pbmom now. Get a feel for what she wants of you...but also keep in mind plans may fly out the window once it becomes reality. But at least that gives you both an idea of what the other is thinking.


good luck, this is so hard...but so worth it.

[ChristieS]

maviskat,

We went through something similar. The birthmom also did not have prenatal care and I worried so much about it. Then I realized that millions of women, before medical breakthroughs, did not have prenatal care either.

In the hospital while she was in labor she asked that I be there. Then just before the birth she asked me to leave. I just did whatever she wanted. Leigh131313 made some excellent points: I would recommend discussing it with her - IF - she is comfortable discussing it. If not then don't push it. Our birthmom was totally unprepared for what was happening to her and it was sad for me to watch. BUT - this is HER time, HER delivery, and still HER baby and yes, you are just a guest right now.

I didn't have but a few days notice, but I recommend doing something to keep yourself busy. Make sure everything is ready to bring the baby home. Make sure you have an infant car seat. Read a book, crochet, clean house, and most of all, if you can, REST - because you won't get much rest once your sweet baby gets here.

Also, prepare yourself as best you can that until the adoption is finalized this is still her baby and her decision. She may change her mind. She may not. All you can do is be very patient and understanding. I just basically was there for her until she asked me to leave - then I left. Then when she asked for me again I went back in.

This is a very difficult time for aparents as well since we just sort of have to "wing it."

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C/

[2manyks]

our pbmom didnt want us in the delivery room but wanted us at the hospital to be with thebaby after the birth. she had chosen to not interact after the birth w/ the baby or us. she stayed on a different floor and sent a friend up to check on the baby and make sure he was doing well. at the last minute our bmom invited us into the deliveryroom right before the baby was born. my dh cut the cord and i got to hold the baby first. what an amazing experience. we were just quiet and let the bmom call the shots and were grateful to her for letting us be involved in the experience in what ever way she felt comfortable.

our next pbmom has invited us into the delivery room and i have invisioned every moment in my mind. will it end out that way? i doubt it, but it is fun to think about. i think the best thing is to remember it is their birth, their baby, their time and we are just guests. if everything works out the way we hope we will have years with the new baby. good luck and just roll with her wishes.

[kelceesmom]

First and foremost you need to take your pbmom's lead. She probably has no idea what is instore for her emotionally or physically. I would gently bring up what might take place and what your part might be in the whole scope of things. If she isn't ready to make any plans then you have to go with it. As hard as it may be you should try to keep your expectations low. Keep busy in these last few weeks. Pamper yourself life can change in an instant. Good luck in your journey and we all hope things go well for you.

[rredhead]

This may be late, but: I highly recommend looking into hiring a doula, and, if that looks like something you think would be helpful, talking with the pbmom about it. A doula is someone who supports the delivering mom during labor and delivery.
I'm not sure if you've ever been to/seen a labor and delivery, but DS's was INTENSE. If we do adopt in the same manner next time, we won't be going to the hospital, at least not for the entirety of the process.

The hopital experience is very emotional as a paparent. Things are so up in the air....we don't really know what is expected of us...and we really don't know how things will work out in the end.

It is really important that you keep in mind that you are a guest at the hospital. This is her time, her delivery, her recovery and her baby...I know that can be SO hard, but really you must keep it in mind..

That is so true. Being there was probably the most emotional experience of my life, and not in a good way. (And my grandfather had just died after a hospital stay.)

I don't mean to be negative, I'm just giving my experience. Many people have good hospital experiences. We just didn't.

Good luck & God bless,
-R